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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My 5 year old daughter given a 5 day detention!

156 replies

Cherry2011 · 19/06/2011 16:59

I received a call to say my daughter had a few incidences with another child. They were unaware of anything but apparently my daughter had nipped the other child. When asked my daughter said that the other girl had slapped her and admitted she nipped her. She was sorry for what she had done. The school have obviously had a complaint from the other mum and has said that other things have happened althought nothing has been seen by the teachers and as with this incident my daughter had been hit and had retaliated. I was told she had to stay in at lunchtime but by the time i arrived at the school to pick her up i was given a letter to say she had detention for 5 days. Now i was unaware that a child of that age would be given a detention at all, let alone for that long for something that happened the week before. My daughter will not understand what she is being punished for and i find this rather extreme. The headteacher refused to lift the detention and my daughter had to stay in every lunchtime and breaktime. Im appalled by this punishment and so are a number of other teachers and professional people i have spoken to. The local secondary school doesnt even sanction that length of time of detention on 11 to 15 year olds. How can they get away with this???

OP posts:
youarekidding · 19/06/2011 20:36

Hope it helps cherry. It was the bit about reasonable for age that got me. Seriously children this age do pinch, hot kick etc. They know its wrong but are impulsive and often act before thinking iyswim. They need to learn to control their impulses - missing playtime will not acheive this.

Also the bit about behaviour policy outlining actions and consequences which is clear to parents, staff and pupils. Considering your policy says nothing about this kind of punishment and staff and parents are not on board you should have a case there too.

pingu2209 · 19/06/2011 20:49

Your daugher has 5 days of no play time for pinching!!!!!! Seriously?! I know it is hard to stand up to the teachers, especially if the head teacher has already agreed to the punishment.

If someone pinched my child really hard to bruise, even if it was my darling youngest 'baby' (age 3!) who I protect above all my dc - I would not expect the 'pincher' to do that much 'time'. 1 lunch break - perhaps the next day if it couldn't be done on the day itself, but no more. They are 5 for goodness sake!

However, if you as her mum can't stand up for her, how can you ever expect her to stand up for herself in years to come.

Write an immensely long email (as it is instant) to the head teacher and copy in the LEA. You will get the head's email from the school office and you can phone the LEA (get phone number from Google) for their contact email address.

Show you mean business so they don't take the piss again.

waffler · 19/06/2011 21:28

you are most definately not being unreasonable. I think it's pretty harsh punishment for a 5 yr old whatever they have done.

happy4eva · 19/06/2011 21:41

thats horrible a 5 year old needs guidence and reasurrence not a school week of punishment
i would go to the school and say i will pick her up at lunch times if you canot look after her properly

pinkie00 · 19/06/2011 21:41

Tricky one. All my DC have had detention at some point, the youngest being about 7 and never as serious as biting. It is a serious offence, but I would rather my DD got suspended for 3 days for instance than got this. 5 days with no breaks must be even more traumatising and over the top.

BoffinMum · 19/06/2011 21:49

Have not read whole thread, but youarekidding makes a very good point. This is ludicrous. Nearly all kids bite at some time or another and this is disproprotionate. You would be justified in remonstrating with the head and if necessary going to the governors about this. If you have no joy, move schools in September.

angels3 · 20/06/2011 09:04

I think 5 days is a bit long! There have been incidences in our school, but that usually involves being unable to go outside with the other kids for the day only.

I would suggest speaking to the teacher if there is some sort of problems between your DD and the other girl, asking her to keep an eye on them and see what happens.

My DS has a boy in his class who continually picks on him, and we can't seem to find out why - it was so extreme that at a birthday party another mum saw an incident involving my DS and this boy, and unprovoked attack from the other boy. Although this happened outside school, we did inform them of what happened, and they have taken this on board when splitting the class up into group activities. They are subtle about this and it is not a subject of conversation in the class.

MmeLindor. · 20/06/2011 09:21

Was the girl involved with this incident the girl who was bullying your DD?

5 days detention is ridiculously long. Unless the incidents were more serious, in which case the HT should detail exactly what has gone on.

I also think that if there has been multiple incidents then the HT should have called the parents into the school before punishing this one incident.

Was your DD punished for the other incidents? I don't think that it is right that it is given as a reason for this disproportionate punishment, that she has misbehaved in the past. Each incident should be handled individually, not "saved up" to hand out a big punishment.

nannyl · 20/06/2011 09:38

regardless of the seriousness of the crime, to punish a 5 year old for 5 days in a row is way OTT IMO!

One day (ideally the same day as incident) fine... a whole week, no way!

Original poster
Cherry2011 · 20/06/2011 09:46

No the other girl was not the one that was bullying my daughter, but may i re-iterate, she did not Bite and has never bitten. She pinched her arm after the girl slapped her. I have never known her to do this but the girl that had previously been bullying her used to do this to my daughter so she may have got it from her. It was in reaction to it which i guess at her age its hard not to, but i do tell her. I agree highly that she shouldnt have had this. Her teacher doesnt agree with whats happened and it was the Head that imposed this and yes it said detention on the letter for 5 days with loss of playtimes and lunchtimes :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherry2011 · 20/06/2011 09:48

My daughter was getting ready for school this morning and she said, 'oh im going to play with so and so today', then stopped in her tracks and said oh no im not allowed to play out anymore. Gosh im absolutlely appalled. She clearly has had nothing explained to her and i told her she will be going out. Not a very happy environment at the moment

OP posts:
ImeldaM · 20/06/2011 09:58

YANBU, totally OTT, would not be happy with that at all.
Sorry if not understood, but were you only informed after the 5 days detention had taken place?

Original poster
Cherry2011 · 20/06/2011 10:48

I was told on the day they sanctioned it and only found out it was 5 days and not 1 as told on the phone, when i went to collect her. I wasnt aware of any problems as her teacher always said she was doing great, so was a bit of a shock

OP posts:
lateatwork · 20/06/2011 11:25

yanbu. I would be outraged- not only for the punishment but also for the lack of adequate explanation.

if your daughter's class teacher openly does not agree with the head, and is totally being over ruled..then alarm bells would be ringing for me too. Surely the school should be presenting a united front?

as there are seemingly 'no reason' for this excessive punishment, I would be questioning the Head's motives... are they indirectly punishing you for previously complaining, is the Head bullying your child, what hold has the other parent over the head?

In the absence of explanation, conspiracy theory would be running riot in my mind. Its the Head's decision. The Head is accountable and needs to explain in a timely manner.

If you arent getting any joy, try your local MP and councillor to.

Original poster
Cherry2011 · 20/06/2011 13:48

I have been thinking of the same reasons. Something is not right somewhere. At the moment i have to await replies from the governor and head of education to see what they think. This may take til next week. In the meantime i am looking at getting her out of there. At 5 years old she should be enjoying herself not being punished all the time like this. The fact that she no longer wants to go to school says it all. She used to love it. If i dont get anywhere with those that i've wrote to, i will take it higher as i seriously think the Head needs to think about what shes doing!

OP posts:
K999 · 20/06/2011 18:21

Cherry, sorry think I am getting confused? Is your DD to have detention this week? If so, inform the school that she will be going home for her lunch....they can't detain her against her will.

youarekidding · 20/06/2011 18:28

She had the DT's last week. I got confused too! Cherry was still upset as she hadn't got anywhere with HT and so has come here to ask isibu to push for an explanation.

Luckily it seems to be a resounding support and agreement that this was disproportional punishment.

MissingMySleep · 20/06/2011 18:29

YANBU that's just nuts.

You need to get the school to stop classing her as naughty or move her asap as in due she will believe what they say, and will behave in the manner they expect her to behave.

Good luck

Original poster
Cherry2011 · 21/06/2011 10:14

Thanks everyone for your support. The head is asking for a meeting rather than putting it in writing of which im not happy about as things just get fobbed off. I will hold out for a written explanation. Spoke to my daughter's teacher yesterday and she is happy with my daughter at school and said she's 'high above average' of which i am very proud :)

OP posts:
SenoritaViva · 21/06/2011 11:20

If they insist on a meeting then you need to insist that there is someone at the meeting to take minutes. You will have to agree to the content of the minutes and sign them off in order to ensure it is a true reflection of what was discussed.

MissingMySleep · 21/06/2011 12:11

Stick to your guns, you do want something in writing.

GabbyLoggon · 21/06/2011 15:01

OTT not far short of distasteful. needs to be appealed

TiggyD · 21/06/2011 16:46

Far too much. Children that age forget what they've done so quickly. A telling off from a scary teacher or maybe the rest of breaktime indoors. The punishment really needed to be done at the time.

Cherry, book a few hours off at lunch next week and pinch the HT when you see them. A bargain.

jocarm · 21/06/2011 22:40

As a nursery school assistant i feel the punishment given is way too harsh. Children of a young age should be punished at the time of the incident or not at all. The teachers in question need to get to the bottom of it and stamp out any bullying while they are still young enough to care. I would be tempted to keep the child at home for the week if they refuse to withdraw the detention, then i would check out the schools policy for behavior management and write a letter of complaint to the headteacher, the governors and the education authority.
Good luck :o

betterwhenthesunshines · 21/06/2011 22:53

Agree with SenoritaViva. If you are going infor a meeting then you also need someone else to come in with you. Someone who can be independent and openminded and will just take notes for you? Make a note in advance of what you want to ask about and imagin ethe meeting is being recorded - it will stop you over reacting and saying anything you wish you hadn't if you are like me tempted to blow a fuse :)

Agree with others - it seems a wildly inappropriate and counter-productive punishment.

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