can i ask how much your dp/ dh does at home?

[hugeleyoutnumbered]

i mean in terms of getting up with the children, housework, and sharing the responsibilities of parenthood?

mines good, does washing up because i cook, cleans hoovers if i dont fancy it, cooks occasionally but did more so when i was pregnat, and wakes if baby does but theres not generally much he can do as ds is breastfed, can i ask why ?

Dh does not see dirt so doesn't clean - makes up for it on the cooking and washing up front

More than me. Washing (shared but he does more), all ironing, all hoovering. He does the supermarket shop. He gets up with ds on Saturdays and occupies all morning while I do the same Sundays. I drop off at nursery and ge collects. I do stuff like clean oven, he defrosted freezer last. It's pretty equal though tbh.

We have cleaner who does bathrooms and a weekly dust/vac/changes bedding.

Dh does a lot. He works shifts so depends on what he is working but he cooks a lot, hoovers, takes dog for walks mostly, picks ds up from school, does the gardening. Terrible at washing clothes, laundry but then I do no gardening. When ds was little would take turns getting up.

I'm a SAHM with school aged kids so there's generally not much for him to do...plus he words 3 different rotating shifts.

But at weekends he loves to cook and do various other stuff like gardening/decorating etc.

works not words

50/50. He's currently hoovering the stairs. I'm lying on the bed after a long bath :o

Washing up; hoovering perhaps once in a while.

bugger all though delegates dcs to empty dishwasher at w/e..to be fair we have domestic worker 2 full days a week and i'm a SAHM, sigh...

cheers pregolaola, sorry I may be drip feeding here. dp is between jobs at the moment (redundancy ) I am a SAHM. it seems that I am constantly on the go while he has time to sit and relax, it only hit me today that he did nothing for anyone in the house except himself until ten 30, am feeling a bit put upon, just wondered what other peoples home life arrangemnts were like. he washes up but that really is about it, it wouldn't occur to him to make lunch or empty the washing machine, it feels like I am constantly nagging and asking for help

We do what needs doing. No-one in this house sits on their arse while the other one's doing stuff - someone's always entertaining the toddler, or cooking, or cleaning, or building furniture (alright, that's just him), or tiling (him again, actually), or running errands. Since we seem to have a high maintenance sort of house, what with the wood fire and the water tanks and the DIY, that means nobody relaxes until the toddler's in bed, and then we both split whatever's left and then both sit down.

He'll also take on a bit extra when I'm sick/pregnant/have brought work home to do, as will I.

DC hasn't arrived yet, but for housework DH is in charge of floors (vacuuming and washing) and is pretty good at doing the laundry. Puts stuff in the dishwasher, but never wipes down any surfaces. He is also renovating the basement atm so I make allowances.

He's very often away on business but he pays for a cleaner!

Hugelyoutnumbered - could you ask him to take responsibility for lunch while he is inbetween jobs? He probably doesn't realise how you are feeling or how his behaviour affects you. You may have to phrase it as helping you. It seems to be much more effective.

oh but...... your not alone there Dp always needs some GENTLE nudging to the direction of a hoover or the little things.

if i wasnt here i reckon he'd leave the washing up until the next afternoon and hoover once a week, he has very high personal hygiene standards and likes a clean house but doesnt notice the difference between leather cleaner and dettol or understand why i wipe the skirting boards down.

So yes he does alot, if i tell him to as hes favourate line is 'you didnt ask me to'

DS is 3.7. DH does:
watching tv with him, playing football with him, chasing him around the house (fun for both!)
DH does not:
bath him, dress him, put him to bed, get him up, clean his teeth or anything else that needs doing.

As far as the house is concerned, DH does:
cook every other evening meal; wash up every other time; load/unload the dishwasher every other time; occasionally clean the kitchen work surfaces; iron his own shirts on an ad hoc basis.
DH does not:
notice that the floors need sweeping therefore never does it; clean the bathroom/loo or anywhere else really (apart from the kitchen); do laundry (but I won't let him because he buggers up my system by putting a load of all his stuff in together); tidy up unless asked to and even then it's cursory.

God knows what will happen if we ever manage to have a 2nd DC! Oh that's right - his mum will come and help out.

Dh and I both work, but mine is a more physically demanding job and I work six days a week whereas dh works in an office for five days a week.

During the week (I'm night shift) I hoover, iron, cook, sort out the dcs, do housework etc, and when he gets in from work he gets to wash the dishes and maybe walk the dog before he goes to bed.

On weekends he does everything, including hoovering the entire house and changing beds; and by the time I get up mostly everything is done and tea is cooking

We both work hard outside the home, it's only fair that we share the stuff that goes on inside the home too.

DH is out of the house for between 11 and 16hrs a day but on work days, still does stuff like cooking, general tidying, cleaning the bathroom etc. But on work days it's about a 80/20 split.

When he's off work he does 50/50, if not a wee bit more. He would never dust though. Or iron. He doesn't see the point. But everything else he mucks in with quite cheerfully.

Its that I have to ask thats got me so wound up I think.

can you have kids while i do the shopping, can you do this, can you give me a hand with that,

I probably am BU in that I just want it done rather than having to ask.

I grew up in a household where if you dropped it you picked it up etc, it feels like its all falling to me. His parents are mum does all the housework dad cuts the grass

I feel its more like,"she always does that" rather than what can I do to help.

DH does pretty much everything around here, including getting up to DC in the night. In the morning he unstacks the dishwasher and looks after our 3 DC until he leaves for work (dressing, feeding etc.) so that I can have my coffee and get myself ready. In my defense, he is a morning person and I am a deep sleeper.
I do the food shopping, most evening meals and all of the laundry, although DH irons his own shirts. In the evening he does the dishes and makes me a cup of tea. He does the bath and bedtime routine at the weekends.
Of course he does all the rubbish/recycling and makes sure my car always has petrol in it.

With kids he does bath and bedtimes, he works all day and is happy to spend this time with them. In the house he deals with dishes and rubbish/recycling as he knows I hate icky stuff, he also cuts the grass as our back garden is huge. On his days off he will take over with the kids to give me a break and will help with whatever I ask him to.

hugelyoutnbumbered I am in the same situation as you. DH only works a few months of the year, rest of the time he is at home playing working on his computer. We have a 2yo and a 4mo. I do all cooking, washing,bins, recycling, cleaning, although he will occasionally run the vacuum over. I do all the childcare although he will play with the 2yo a bit sometimes. If I ask him to do something he will do it, but I get sick of always nagging asking. So much sympathy from me :)

Too much bearing in mind he has mad, full on job

He'll stack and empty dishwasher, shop for food, cook, make school lunches, do school runs, take dd out, go on endless errands like picking up pet food/dry cleaning/dropping dd off at friends/glass recycling etc etc

He doesn't do any laundry or actual cleaning or tidying up but gladly pays for help (we live in big, old, very shabby, difficult house)

And he's really uninterested in DIY (and terribly bad at it anyway)

I do the lion's share of the garden but he'll mow lawn and do heavy lifting of things if I ask

He never stops in fact ...

Like Creamymilk he's a morning person and more active then, while I do loads of tidying up/organising after school/work/in the evenings, so we make quite a good team

Given the demands of hsi job though, overall, I'd say he does more than me.

Hugelyoutnumbered have you thought of doing a list of everything that needs doing (Flylady site can help with that, or simply write down everything that you do for an entire week in detail). Then sit down one evening with him, feed him a lovely dinner and tell him you are unhappy, negotiate and then divide the work between you. Pin the list up on the fridge - then there is no negotiation required - it's up there in black and white. I did this with my dh and he's never looked back.