can i ask how much your dp/ dh does at home?

[hugeleyoutnumbered]

i mean in terms of getting up with the children, housework, and sharing the responsibilities of parenthood?

All the people i've spoken to about it men and women seem to feel that as we are all now equal and feminism has set women free (yeah right) that all the money should be split equally regardless of what you earn or what profession you are in (all the women are in caring low paid jobs and all the guys IT etc). The guys don't care about the cleaning so dont care if it gets done. They don't think its women's work they just think it's optional. So if there's no dinner, that's fine, they'll just make a sandwich, no pants clean they just wear dirty ones from the basket. AND no one irons male or female!!
All obvious anecdotal evidence from my own experience. But i do get interns roles in companies for my job and from what they all tell me, that's pretty standard opinion.

sadly i've had to start pimping my tasks so if he wants stuff ironed for work i say 5 shirts equals a cinema ticket, or 4 cooked dinners equals a meal out. then i get to go out and dont feel totally taken advantage of!

sad i know, but i have the time and i don't have the money!

oh and to answer your question - i suppose when a dc comes along (we are ttc at the mo'...well not exactly at this mo'!) the housework will be put on hold and we will live in a horrible mess!

I'm not sure it's worth splitting up with someone you love over housework, and the money thing is difficult because it's not mine so you can't make people share it with you. Also he is backed up by all our peers so he feels totally justified.

And as i said i haven't met anyone in my generation that feels differently so would it matter if i left and looked for someone else? I mean also how do you know this? it isn't till you already love them and move in with them that it becomes apparent.

spuddy - I am your generation!!!

xh was very lazy about the house unless he was really really in the mood then he cleaned better than I did - however this came along maybe 4 times in the 8 years we were together. I also would be questioning if to have children with a man who doesn't view you as an equal.

I just dont get how some of you stay with such lazy fuckers. The money thing is a whole different issue but surely if you're both working you should both be cleaning/looking after DC?

XOH and i live and raise dd together. I only work pt atm so do most of the home stuff. When i work he does it. Simple. When i swap to doing ft he will go pt and the housework will be his thing.

There has never been a discussion or plan - it is just fair. If it was any other way neither of us would put up with it.

I do feel sorry for you coz it would drive me nuts but as my dear mam says you only get treated as you let people treat you.

Spuddy as for putting up with being treated like a maid because you have not met anyone who thinks differently - i would rather live alone! Time to start mixing in different circles perhaps?

spuddybean-I am imploring you please get as far away from this horrible man while you still can. Do not have dcs with him ffs! Read some of my other posts if you want to know what kind of life you will have. I dont care what he/his twunty friends may have told you-this kind of behaviour is not acceptable and he wont change when you have dcs.
My dh feels because he works and I am sahm that he can treat me as his personal skivvy-doesnt share his money either. Please dont make the same mistakes I have.

my point is i suppose that i am not treated like a maid. i am not asked to do stuff as such - i just i do it cos i like a clean house and he's not bothered.

More than me in term time, less then me in school holidays (I'm a teacher).

Hi pink4ever - i suppose i am also in two minds whether he should share his money with me. i mean really is it anyones responsibility to pay for someone else? i flip flop between opinions really.

spuddy-tbh I would be far more concerned about his attitude to money. If he views it as his money now why do you think its going to change when you have dcs?. How do you think he will treat you when you are on maternity leave and earning very little?. Please think seriously about this-you are worth more.

spuddy-he is not "paying for you" ffs!. You are contributing your share to the relationship and I am not just talking about the financial stuff. This is the way dh has made me feel for years-worthless and like I should be grateful to him that I am sahm. Its only by seeing how other friends of mine are treated by their dh's(who totally value their role as sahm and what it contributes to their family) that I realised how I am treated is not normal. Still trying to work out a way to sort it out though.

Not much tbh. Though he works 7 days a week.
He cuts the grass/ hedge. That's about it.
I don't expect him to do a lot as I'm a SAHM so I'm here to do it iykwim.
It really fucking annoys me though when he doesn't pick up after himself.
Like tonight for instance after he had finished his tea instead of scrapping his plate and putting it in the dishwasher he just left it on the side for me to move .
I had even left the dishwasher open as a hint.

but pink it is his money! he earns it he gets paid it. why should men support women? why doesn't society recognise and compensate women for their work as much as men? it isn't fair and he doesn't understand that.
His parents are obsessed with money and have brought him up with a pathological fear of being poor and someone taking their money.

lady-yes sounds like my dh!. Literally leaves everything lying at his arse. Also expects me to be grateful if he deigns to help with dcs. For example today he informed me that he was going to the shops to purchase something and that "he didnt want this to be interfered with in anyway"-meaning dont dare ask me to help with dcs!.

spuddy-sorry but I am now at your posts so wont be offering you any more advice. Good luck-you will need it.

aww pink - i'm sorry you feel that way. i do not feel the same (yet!) and not that i'm thinking of it but if i left i would have no where to go and no money to not go there with!
That scares me very much.

lets put this another way spuddy.

yes he earns it. however is it not unreasonable that he sees it as his and yours - if the boot was on the other foot would he still see it as his and your or want his share of yours?

in our house yes DP earns more than I do, HOWEVER, is it fair that one person has the best of everything while the other they profess to love and cherish is struggling. is it fair of them to assume that as they can afford the luxury/best of everything they should expect the other to 'keep up' with them thus getting theirselves into financial troubles.

it's elitist I feel and completely wrong as it projects the image that a person should only be allowed to/have a relationship with someone of the same financial standing as otherwise the one with more funds is entiteld to have an unbalanced relationship.

(and I speak there as if it was either sex earning more than the other)

spuddy-that is the exactly the situation I am in but the difference being that I have 3 dcs and no money and no where to go!. You know what he is like so why are you even considering having dcs with him?. That will only make things ten times harder.

Pinky is right. If you want to have a miserable life, a good recipe is to shack up with someone who is happy for you to skivvy for him and is too mean to share their good fortune with you.

If everything really was 50/50 then surely he would have to pay for someone to clean, cook and do his laundry for him if he is not prepared to do it himself.

good god spuddy, I am your generation - that is absolutely nothing like anyone I know. How on earth can you describe it as generational? Its incredibly mean, unkind, selfish and unloving. I have never heard anything like it. My partner earns more than me and would give me his last penny. whats his is mine, whats mine is his - he has no interest in having more than me as he considers our time together the best thing we have. this man is absolutely vile. How can you say you love him then say he is selfish. Did you grow up being treated badly in your family? or seeing your mum treated like this?

What kind of man enjoys having more than his partner - what kind of man considers it a 'punishment' to share what he has with the person he loves most. URGH URGH URGH. DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN!

Only have children with someone who shares everything with you and supports you in everything you do.

I seroiusly suggest you get some counselling to talk about why you put up with being treated like some kind of burden - I am baffled by your question 'why should men support women' - this has NOTHING to do with feminism. Its about Partners in relationships SHARING what they have - not about one person 'paying for ' another.

I share everything I have with my partner - well, not day to day, b ut basicalyl our money is shared - you have been totally muddled by his thinking - its really not about him 'paying for you' - its about loving your partner and sharing your life and what you have with them.

honestly, I really hope you can see the truth here before ending up having kids -this is about love and kindness not men paying for women.

how deeply vile that he would rather buy himself some new crap from a shop rather than have you with him on a holiday you cant afford. urgh. What does this tell you about his character?

davids - yes i see it, i just see it from both sides so i am torn. He would never expect any of my money either.

pink - thank you for your posts, they have made me realise i have been too lax and let this go on for too long. i will be stricter. however the man i love is an only child who has never lived with anybody and has grown up with totally mental parents. so i do give him leeway (a bit too much i think).

from the way he is i actually think having dc's will make him more understanding of all this as at the mo' we are not really connected by anything other than love. i think he just needs to act more like he's in a couple than a single person and i think that takes time.

thank you again, you sound very nice. :)

btw. pink4ever, I have seen your posts before. I am so sorry for you being stuck in your situation - surely you would be better off leaving then he would have to support you?

spuddy - dont mean to be harsh, calling your partner vile, I know thats unfair - he is your man and you love him. I jsut cant bear to think of you thinking this is normal. If you want to have kids with him this needs to chaneg and you need to become a partnership where your love is more important to him than keeping hold of 'his' money .....he will need to move on from that and see it as your shared money.