to not want to have sex?

[choceyes]

DD is over 10 months now, and me and DH hasn't had sex for about a year now

I have absolutely no desire to have sex anymore. I'm sure it's partly to do with breastfeeding and partly to do with looking after DD and DS who is 2.5yrs. I'm absolutely shattered most days by the evenings, and all day DS and DD would have been all over me and I carry DD a lot and DS is quite clingy too since DD was born so he needs a lot of comforting and cuddles and he loves climbing all over me all the time....so I'm all touched out by the evening.

DH once a week or so asks me if we can DTD, we kiss and cuddle but I always say no sex, and DH gets sulky and last night he was quite pissed off and he went out for a walk, and has been in a mood all morning today.

I know a year is a long time and I do feel for DH, but what can I do?? I hate my breasts being touched now, and that was the thing that turned me on the most before breastfeeding, so it's like there is nothing much DH can do to arouse me anymore. And it doesn't help it that usually there isn't much foreplay (there isn't that much time, by the time the kids are in bed and housework is done) and there is always the pressure of sex if we start kissing and cuddling. DH thinks sex is imminent, but I just want some cuddling.

Frankly, the way I am feeling at the moment, I don't care if I don't ever have sex again

There have been plenty of threads on here where a man "withholding" sex is considered either to be emotionally abusive due the effect this would have on a sexually active female partner, or a problem which it is his responsibility to resolve. They often end by suggesting the woman might be better of finding a man who can 'do his duty'.

The converse situation tends towards understanding of the woman's position and the suggestion that the man's desire for sex is oppressive, degrading, and he needs to look to his behaviour to remedy the situation. I always find it fascinating how the empathy generally always flows one way but it reveals a lot of deep seated assumptions about male/female sexuality that seem quite outdated to me!

Anyway, that is off topic. No one should ever feel compelled to do any sexual act they are not happy with. That should be an absolute given in any loving relationship. OP- if you discuss your feelings and he still "expects" it I think you need to think about what that says about him and his attitude towards you (and it isn't good I'm afraid).

The thing is, Nesbo, when it's the woman who doesn't want sex, she usually says that she has tried explaining to the man why she feels this way, and he has either completely ignored her explanation, said it's rubbish or whatever (and it almost always is down to him being selfish about housework and childcare, nothing is more offputting than a lazy entitled man who does nothing like his fair share and then wants sex all the time) or said 'Do more sex and then I might consider doing you a favour'.
When it's the man who is witholding sex, he is usually refusing to discuss the issue or implying the woman is a freak or a slut for wanting it more than him or wanting it at all.
Some people are simply very selfish and won't consider a compromise even if their partner is trying hard to meet or at least understand their needs, and this works both ways.

Some people are suggesting that she:

a. lies back and thinks of england

or

b. just sucks him off even if she doesn't want to

Foolish to pretend that all comments on this entire thread are saying what you are saying, really, ITNK.

Interesting that if people are post-natal, knackered, breast-feeding, up half the night etc, and at the moment they just don't want to, they don't want to try and turn anyone on, they don't want to move their kids out just yet, they don't want to stop BF, they just don't want anyone's hands on them right at this moment thank you very much, and can't it just wait a bit... That their marriage is DEAD. Christ almighty some people.

I just find it so miserable.

A lot of women on this thread have said they are not having sex anywhere from a couple of months to a year or more after having a baby. They just don't want to, however they know this will pass, and their DHs understand.

These marriages are all dead are they? If all these women go and announce that to their DHs I think there will be an awful lot of very confused and devastated DHs out there. Not all men think with their cocks thank fuck. Some of then actually like and love their partners and children. Unbelievable!!!!

"g) have sex with someone with a good grace BECAUSE YOU WANT TO, not try and exchange sex for chores"

So this means do it even if he refuses to help with the housework, kids, or get up in the night. And do it with good grace.

And if you don't WANT TO, right now, because you are knackered because you are the one doing everything, then your marriage is DEAD.

So basically you have to want to, however much you don't want to, and you're not allowed to ask for help with the things that are making you feel shit in the first place.

FFS

This thread is outrageous.

ITNK. If a marriage is dead because the husband cannot manage post natal libido dip as described by OrangeHat, it was never worth saving.

True in some cases I'm sure SGB, but certainly not all. I would say that in cases where men don't seem to know the reason why sex is off the cards MN will quickly supply them with many very good reasons (and they will be quizzed on everything from contribution to chores to failures as a lover). The assumption is likely to be that if they haven't been told they have failed to empathise sufficiently to see what should be obvious.

If the woman hasn't been given a reason, the explanation is the "uncommunicative man", not a failure of empathy by the woman (an assumption you make in your post). There tends to less effort to work out how he might feel, whether his loss of libido is connected to the stresses and strains of parenthood or his own workload. There tends to be less questioning of whether it is a failure in the woman's sexual technique (always a rather snide and insulting implication) and it generally isn't long before someone suggests that the loss of libido is really evidence that he is 'getting his kicks' elsewhere. I think many still subscribe to the myth of the permanently priapic man, and treat any signs to the contrary with suspicion or derision.

As I said it is an off topic observation and I didn't want to derail the thread, so apologies OP.

" As I said, if you don't want to make an effort, your marriage is dead."

So if you don't want to make an effort because you are post-natal, breast-feeding, knackered, miserable, your marriage is dead.

And you aren't allowed to ask for help.

This is not a relationship as I understand it.

ITNK: What about the man making a fucking effort? That should come first - men in this situation should address their own behaviour, make sure they are trying to help their wives feel less exhausted, less taken for granted and more like happy, sexy women. If the man won't make any effort then it's his fault that the woman doesn;t want sex and his fault the marriage is endangered.

This cuts both ways as well I am old enough to know plenty of women who go outside of the relationship for a shag as sex with their partners has completely broken down. What I am recommending is something to keep sex on the agenda if you don't like blow jobs don't do it think of something else which is mutually acceptable.

Mr Spoc - can you imagine you are in a packed commuter train - all touched out so your body does not feel like it's yours? Now imagine that's your day for say 20 hours out of 24. Now imagine that's what everyday is going to be like for the forseeable future. Maybe 12 months, possibly more?

You are also tired physically from a lack of sleep, you've had no REM sleep so emotionally you are wrecked too. You've suddenly become responsible for the physical and emotional health of another human being on top of your own - and you also have to take on the emotional wellbeing of your partner who's complaining about the lack of a sex life which is your fault because you do not feel like sex.

You may be physically recovering from an operation or say - as an equivalent -your balls are so sore that touching them brings only pain and discomfort. You're also missing intimacy and sex yourself although in comparison to the new parents in the media you have not returned to the pre-pregnancy weight and do not feel physically attractive. So your libido has disappeared and the chances of getting an erection are minimal.

Your partner appears to be making a big thing about 'doing things to help you (help you with the chores as YOU are responsible for them) or are nice for you (fancy a massage?)' but you suspect this is merely coercion in order for them to have sex. You are the one deemed responsible for keeping the relationship together as YOU are the one that has changed and posting on MN has people suggesting that you should be prepared to give your partner oral sex to please them (and sod your needs) else they would be entitled to have sex elsewhere.

Thoughts?

What I don't understand is this idea that we are all supposed to be at it 24/7 like horny teenagers at all stages of our lives and if we are not there is something wrong with us.

Surely it doesn't take a genius to see that a sex life, like everything else in life, has its peaks and troughs and highs and lows. And over the space of what will hopefully be decades in a marriage, it will vary. Not least when there has been a pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, massive lifestyle change and likely sod all sleep.

How can anyone not get that?

Yes sex lives go through peaks and troughs and the op wants some suggestions on how to get out of the trough.

Yes and some of the comments on here are singularly unhelpful.

Plus FWIW - whilst I agree that husbands/partners who help more with all responsibilities are likely to have more sex - I think this is more down to the partnership they already have being a true partnership - rather than the man suddenly working out he can exchange chores for sex. Points to the bleeding obvious - choose carefully who you have a relationship with before having children if you want to sustain the relationship afterwards - where does the balance lie between 'needs' - if roughly equal or oscillating fine - if always one-sided consider it's likely to fail.

SpringchickenGoldBrass - i can assure you that i made sure i made every effort. In fact I would say i did the most round the house, all / most of the night feeds. Went to work, cuddeles, massages, everything possible and nothing worked.

My wife thought i just wanted sex. (no could have a wank instead. much less hassle) but i craved and needed to feel loved & have intamacy.

My be your ideas about men are just wrong.

LindenAvery - taken out of context again help you with the chores as YOU are responsible for them

My family dynamics are spilt 50/50 but i found i was doing near on 90% just to help my wife out.

Luckily we talked and expalined how each other felt. It is now much better.

MrSpoc: Mate, it;s not all about you. It sounds like you did make an effort and guess what, now your marriage is back on track. But other men are selfish and downright abusive to their wives when their wives are tired and have newborns to look after.

SGB its not all about me your right. I am trying to give yyou an insight into the male mind and how we actually think.

Op stated she does not want or can never see her wanting sex again. I am trying to show her how males act & interpret this.

The problem is couples not talking or making an effort.

ITNK, you asked where the comments were that suggested we should all lie back and think of England -

1. Actually I'd think of Scotland. But then lots of people seem to forget that Scotland, Wales and NI also exist in the UK. I digress - thats a whole other thread.
2. The comments that suggest the OP is being selfish suggest she should just get on with it, or he'll go elsewhere. When you absolutely dont want to have sex, why should you give him some to stop him leaving?

If thats not enough, the following comments were easy to find at first glance, and they clearly missed the point that the problem is beyond the op deciding not to bother with sex. -

"What about you going down on him if you can't face intercourse? You need to start doing sexy things - anything - at the moment your dh is deeply frustrated and upset and your whole future is at stake. "

"Get on up, back in to the saddle. things will most likely end if you cannot overcome this."

"Sometimes when you just get on with it, then it gets better and better.
I think a bit of bullet-biting is required, and just doing it."

Lie back and think of England is a recognised phrase isn't it?

I have never heard of lie back and think of any other country in the world.

Apologies if this is actually a common saying with interchangable countries

:) I think you get the point I was making :)