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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to have sex?

460 replies

choceyes · 18/06/2011 10:26

DD is over 10 months now, and me and DH hasn't had sex for about a year now Blush

I have absolutely no desire to have sex anymore. I'm sure it's partly to do with breastfeeding and partly to do with looking after DD and DS who is 2.5yrs. I'm absolutely shattered most days by the evenings, and all day DS and DD would have been all over me and I carry DD a lot and DS is quite clingy too since DD was born so he needs a lot of comforting and cuddles and he loves climbing all over me all the time....so I'm all touched out by the evening.

DH once a week or so asks me if we can DTD, we kiss and cuddle but I always say no sex, and DH gets sulky and last night he was quite pissed off and he went out for a walk, and has been in a mood all morning today.

I know a year is a long time and I do feel for DH, but what can I do?? I hate my breasts being touched now, and that was the thing that turned me on the most before breastfeeding, so it's like there is nothing much DH can do to arouse me anymore. And it doesn't help it that usually there isn't much foreplay (there isn't that much time, by the time the kids are in bed and housework is done) and there is always the pressure of sex if we start kissing and cuddling. DH thinks sex is imminent, but I just want some cuddling.

Frankly, the way I am feeling at the moment, I don't care if I don't ever have sex again Blush

OP posts:
vmcd28 · 21/06/2011 14:20

Plus, this thread is getting my back up, so I'm being very touchy.

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 21/06/2011 14:22

Agree entirely with SGB's post [13:11:46]. It sounds like the OP doesn't have enough support from her DH, she is exhausted and she certainly isn't "withholding" sex - she doesn't feel like it - very different.

In addition - these "rules" about no car and no cleaner sounds slightly controlling to me as they are having a larger and more detrimental impact on the OP than her husband.

Olifin · 21/06/2011 14:22

I think:

It's reasonable for people in a long-term partnership to expect intimacy and sex to be part of their lives together.

It's understandable that either party can and do suffer a loss of libido for a variety of reasons at different stages in life.

It's understandable for the other person to feel frustrated and sad about the lack of sex.

It's not reasonable to put pressure on a partner for sex.

It is reasonable to want a partner to think about things they could do to help get their sex lives back on track.

It is also reasonable to expect the 'wanting' partner to be extremely patient while the other partner sorts out any issues they may have, and sometimes that will just mean giving it time.

If the situation becomes a long-term difficulty (For me personally, 3 months perhaps; I'm sure this 'limit' would vary from couple to couple) I would think it reasonable to ask the partner not wanting sex to speak to their GP or see about Relate or such like, with the SUPPORT of their partner.

Throughout all of this, it is reasonable to expect both parties to communicate about what is going on, about their feelings and about their hopes for the future of the relationship. If this can be achieved, it is possible to negotiate these phases without hurting each other too much.

No-one should be doing stuff they don't want to but nor should anyone reasonably be expected to go on indefinitely without a sexually intimate aspect to their relationship, if this is not what they want.

InTheNightKitchen · 21/06/2011 14:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vmcd28 · 21/06/2011 14:27

ITNG, you think "I think a bit of bullet-biting is required, and just doing it." is an acceptable solution? You think that implies both parties being happy to have sex?

MrSpoc · 21/06/2011 14:28

Olifin - great post.

OrangeHat · 21/06/2011 14:30

the comments above all say that the woman should engage in sexual acts whether she wants to or not

MrSpoc · 21/06/2011 14:34

No women should have to give sex if she does not want to.

Same as a man should not have to go without sex indefinitely if this was not agreed to in the beginning.

vmcd28 · 21/06/2011 14:35

precisely.
Olifin, you said what I think most of us are trying to say, but failing :)

vmcd28 · 21/06/2011 14:37

My "precisely" was for OrangeHat :)

InTheNightKitchen · 21/06/2011 14:41

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vmcd28 · 21/06/2011 14:45

ITNK, I dont get your point at all. You said no-one suggested lying back and thinking of england. I quoted a post saying the op should grit her teeth. Thats the same thing, yes? I dont get your point.

OrangeHat · 21/06/2011 14:45

I am losing grasp of what your point in ITNK. Which of my posts does your last post refer to?

OrangeHat · 21/06/2011 14:45

xposts i fear there is a general lack of clarity Grin

MillyR · 21/06/2011 14:47

I have only read the first four pages of this thread.

OP, it is very common for women to not want to have sex in the first year after having a baby. Eventually your desire for sex will come back.

I think it would be a huge mistake to have sex with your husband when you don't feel like doing so, especially if you do so repeatedly. It can be very hard to pretend to be enjoying something that you are actively disliking, and this is likely to make your DH feel even more rejected. It is also likely to damage your self esteem, give you issues about sex in general in the future, and almost certainly give you issues about having sex with him in the future. To have sex when you don't want to is the best way to turn this into a long term problem that will sour your relationship.

The fact that you still find certain celebrities is attractive is neither here nor there - the reasons that people find celebrities attractive is because they are completely unobtainable and are not going to put demands on you to clean a house, look after their kids or have sex with them when you are exhausted.

As for people saying that not having sex is going to destroy your relationship, I would say that is the wrong way around. The ongoing destruction of your relationship is leading to the lack of sex. A relationship in which one person is constantly exhausted and feels they cannot cope with the work demands put on them is a relationship in serious trouble. The amount of work you are doing needs to be reduced, and then when this basic issue has been sorted out, you and your husband can look at whether or not you have a relationship worth saving. But a man who won't hug his wife unless there is a sexual reward? There is some major issue going on with him.

InTheNightKitchen · 21/06/2011 14:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

snowmama · 21/06/2011 14:49

Don't disagree with anything you have said Olifin.

However, if I was the OP, and my H suggested I went to counselling/GP/Relate about my sex drive, without changing his position on the car, cleaner or housework, then I strongly suspect that the counselling sessions would not be about how often we had sex.

In fact on reflection...may be a good reason why OP should talk to someone external and neutral....if you are still about choceyes?

swallowedAfly · 21/06/2011 14:53

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Laquitar · 21/06/2011 14:55

I dont read the 'make an effort' as = 'you must service your man' .

I would make the effort because a) i like the intimacy in the relationship, b) for myself - because i know it makes me feel better and it gives me energy.

It is a bit like excercise imo. I'm not naturally sporty person so if i left it i could spend every evening on the sofa and i could find 100 excuses for it. But i know that if i make the effort it will make me feel great. So i push myself to wear the trainers and get out of the house and 5 minutes later i am glad i did. Exercise and sex are good for your physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing. It is not about servicing men etc.

MillyR · 21/06/2011 14:58

Laquitar, it isn't about you though. You don't feel the way the OP does.

clickityclackity · 21/06/2011 15:01

Sorry OP but whilst I understand why you're not feeling like engaging in sex, I find your posts breath-takingly self oriented. You ask if YABU. My answer is yes. I feel sorry for your husband and if the roles were reversed I'd feel sorry for you. If I felt as you do I know I would have done everything possible to meet my husband at least halfway, whether that meant going to doctors, relate, making an attempt to do something romantic etc. I would not have let it go on for a WHOLE YEAR and than make out that other half is selfish if he can't tolerate it and ever feels tempted to go else where.

As a woman I could not tolerate such long-term physical and emotional rejection from someone I love and want to be close to.

StayFrosty · 21/06/2011 15:04

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OrangeHat · 21/06/2011 15:05

Since when is penetrative sex the only way to show physical and emotional closeness in a relationship?

OP says she kisses and cuddles but doesn't want full sex. How does that = total physical and emotional rejection?

StayFrosty · 21/06/2011 15:07

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Laquitar · 21/06/2011 15:07

MillyR, not recent childbirth but medical problems, i am recovering now. I might also heading into menopause.