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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to have sex?

460 replies

choceyes · 18/06/2011 10:26

DD is over 10 months now, and me and DH hasn't had sex for about a year now Blush

I have absolutely no desire to have sex anymore. I'm sure it's partly to do with breastfeeding and partly to do with looking after DD and DS who is 2.5yrs. I'm absolutely shattered most days by the evenings, and all day DS and DD would have been all over me and I carry DD a lot and DS is quite clingy too since DD was born so he needs a lot of comforting and cuddles and he loves climbing all over me all the time....so I'm all touched out by the evening.

DH once a week or so asks me if we can DTD, we kiss and cuddle but I always say no sex, and DH gets sulky and last night he was quite pissed off and he went out for a walk, and has been in a mood all morning today.

I know a year is a long time and I do feel for DH, but what can I do?? I hate my breasts being touched now, and that was the thing that turned me on the most before breastfeeding, so it's like there is nothing much DH can do to arouse me anymore. And it doesn't help it that usually there isn't much foreplay (there isn't that much time, by the time the kids are in bed and housework is done) and there is always the pressure of sex if we start kissing and cuddling. DH thinks sex is imminent, but I just want some cuddling.

Frankly, the way I am feeling at the moment, I don't care if I don't ever have sex again Blush

OP posts:
OrangeHat · 21/06/2011 12:08

I am pleased that you and your wife's relationship has improved though.

swallowedAfly · 21/06/2011 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

OrangeHat · 21/06/2011 12:11

How do you know it is the same as the majority of men's?

Some of the advice on here is appalling and I'm quite shocked TBH.

Men are not base creatures who have to be regularly despunked to keep them in the family unit. Unbelievable many men find that sex is only one facet to a relationship, actually love their wife and children, and would be horrified at teh suggestion that they start being unfaithful, or leave, because their partner has gone off it for a bit. There is a reason for it (she has had a baby and is still getting over it all and yes that can take fucking ages) and he understands that.

Some of the views about men on this thread are horrible.

MrSpoc · 21/06/2011 12:14

Thank you OrangeHat. I realise i may come across as an ogarish brute but I am only trying to provide a male perspective.

My true thoughts are:
1 - You need to understand what child birth cand do and the feeling does come back eventually
2 - You should be patient & supportive (but for how long)
3 - There does come a point where you think. Wife I am here, you are not just a mother but a damm sexy women. (all the house work, night feeds, hotels etc never seems to work) - and you do worry that you cannot turn your wife on and you have lost that special way you could get her going.
4 - There does come a breaking point that needs addressing: Wife - never wants sex again: do you leave cause lets face it, sex is a major part of the relationship anyone who says different is either lying or not in a normal relationship.

snowmama · 21/06/2011 12:16

Mr Spoc, xposted but I did read your post.

You have a 1 and 3 year old, they are young. When my children were that age I also thought I never wanted sex again, particularly when my ex's backrubs and snuggled were just in order to get sex, and he actually made the threat you discussed.

It was a temporary situation, and now my sex drive is higher than ever, because I am not being hasseled for sex. The husband however, has gone, because I recognised he did not fundamentally love and support me, and was not prepared to hold my hand through life. Actually the sex was not why we split up the was just an aside running beside more fundamental issues.

Olifin · 21/06/2011 12:17

Applauds swallowedafly

OrangeHat · 21/06/2011 12:18

The real problem on this thread is not the fact that some women are not "putting out" but the fact that some men appear to be selfish childish bastards.

HTH everyone Smile

OrangeHat · 21/06/2011 12:20

A normal reasonable man in a normal reasonable relationship with a normal reasonable woman will have normal reasonable conversations and they will work together on all aspects of their relationship.

Sadly this rarely seems to be the way it works in RL judging by threads on MN, and the attitudes of some posters.

MrSpoc · 21/06/2011 12:21

snowmama - I appreciate that. Its all down to communication and understanding.

I have tried to explain what goes through most men's minds when in this situation. As i have said, due to advice found on here me and my wife are much better and have a fantistic marage (granted we dont have sex often) but we know where we are at.

But if you go from an active sex life to then say, Husband I never want sex again then this is a major shift in the relationship. How does no one see this?

CoffeeDodger · 21/06/2011 12:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrSpoc · 21/06/2011 12:22

Agree again OrangeHat.

vmcd28 · 21/06/2011 12:28

MrSpoc, Rape can be defined as coercing someone to have sex, by way of threats. You may not like that definition, but it is a fact, so I'm not sure why this is being debated at all - it's not my opinion, it's a fact. And again, youre changing what I said in your flippant example. If you feel threatened to sleep with anyone, it is horrible and degrading and, yes, rape.

Anyway, fwiw i DO actually agree with you about a relationship changing if your dw/dh says they NEVER EVER want sex again. However, Id be surprised if that happened very often out of the blue. And that would probably also mean there would never be kissing/cuddling/massages etc, ie loss of all intimacy forever - yes, that would be awful and possibly a reason to reassess if this is still the relationship for you.
But it's not the same thing as losing libido due to having small kids.

betterwhenthesunshines · 21/06/2011 12:29

We didn't have sex for 15 months after our second DC was born. It's still not the same now although DH never had the highest sex drive. For me, the longer I go without it, the less I feel I want it, and the more effort it takes to be interested. But, but... when it does happen now it can be more emotional - in an connection way because it's more infrequent. I'm always saying I need closeness to want sex, DH says the sex can bring the closeness - and he's right! It just takes a bit of effort. BTW this isn't just a young children thing that will go away of it's own accord so you need to take some responsibility to sort it out so you are both happier.

wheredidyoulastseeit · 21/06/2011 12:31

Why don't you try giving him a blow job? It will make him happy and doesn't make much of a demand from you to enjoy it, and it might get you in the mood if it is fun. I found when my kids were young it was a good halfway post between wanting intimacy and not feeling like a proper shag with all those stitches and breast feeding issues.

OrangeHat · 21/06/2011 12:34

I can't think of anything worse than having to give a blowjob to someone when I really wasn't enjoying it (ie didn't want to).

Seriously this thread is so depressing.

MrSpoc · 21/06/2011 12:35

Vmcd28 - I think it happens to more people than you realise. I know a few of my mates who were in the same situation.

Wife gives birth then decideds she no longer wants sex ever (dont say it unless you mean it as its a very big thing to deal with).
Wife refuses massages, kisses, cuddles as she is scared of giving husband the wrong impression - so the lack of intamicy evolves into a nightmare circle for both.

This is when you need to discuss and be honest and open with each other.

wheredidyoulastseeit · 21/06/2011 12:35

plus the longer you go without sex it becomes more difficult to haveit with out having some huge significance placed upon it. I'm sure someone can explain it better but but not having sex becomes the elephant in the room which makes having sex even more difficult because of these unspoken issues.

wheredidyoulastseeit · 21/06/2011 12:37

I'm not saying you don't enjoy giving the blow job you enjoy making your partner happy even if you don't fancy a shag and often it can turn you on so that you want sex as well.

swallowedAfly · 21/06/2011 12:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

snowmama · 21/06/2011 12:41

It is a fundamental shift in the relationship, and that requires love, patience and communication to resolve. The scenario described here us about post children libido dip, not fundamental asexuality.Mr Spoc you are also viewing it as something being inflicted on you alone.

Do you honestly not think that women do not miss their sex drives or wonder why and how something that used to be so fun and pleasureable is now so distant and undesirable?

...and it is often for reasons we all know about, hormones, tiredness, expectations about childcare, cleaning.....how society categories women as mothers, wives etc all swirling about in one exhausted body....which is why the sentence 'I never want sex again' seems logical and sensible response, by way of just managing all of that. And that requires a patient and loving response from husbands if they are there, and the ability to step up and put their wives needs first.

OrangeHat · 21/06/2011 12:42

So you should service your man by getting down on your knees and sucking him off, your pleasure in this physical exchange comes from the fact that you are making him happy.

Giving a blow job is not the most usual method of sexually arousing a woman, strangely.

OrangeHat · 21/06/2011 12:44

The idea that women gain satisfaction and happiness from looking after and servicing others is so pervasive isn't it.

The idea that a woman might need more in her life than servicing other people is still apparently a bit modern and unusual.

Want to make a woman happy?
Give her lots of children to look after
Plenty of housework to do
No time to herself
And at the end of the day get her to suck you off.

What more does any woman want?

betterwhenthesunshines · 21/06/2011 12:46

Blow job would be the last thing that would put me in the mood! A really good kiss is what most usually does the trick.

snowmama · 21/06/2011 12:47

OrangesHat I need a like button for that post. Perfectly put.

vmcd28 · 21/06/2011 12:49

MrSpoc, but dont men realise what a MASSIVE thing it is to carry a baby for nine loooong months, then to push it out, or be sliced open - or both - then to have NO time to recover, cos they then have to feed the baby constantly, while getting up at all hours, so they're not sleeping either, and all this while still healing physically. Thats before hormones even come into the equation. Yet some DHs still seem to expect to have a similar sex life to the one they had before?

My point is the same - if your marriage is solid, then dh/dw will be able to work through this together, seeing it as a temporary problem that will improve. IF it doesnt improve, and you can both say hand on heart that youve tried everything, then you make decisions about the future. But you dont say "Oh, boohoo, poor me, poor me, I'm well within my rights to fuck someone else now."