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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to have sex?

460 replies

choceyes · 18/06/2011 10:26

DD is over 10 months now, and me and DH hasn't had sex for about a year now Blush

I have absolutely no desire to have sex anymore. I'm sure it's partly to do with breastfeeding and partly to do with looking after DD and DS who is 2.5yrs. I'm absolutely shattered most days by the evenings, and all day DS and DD would have been all over me and I carry DD a lot and DS is quite clingy too since DD was born so he needs a lot of comforting and cuddles and he loves climbing all over me all the time....so I'm all touched out by the evening.

DH once a week or so asks me if we can DTD, we kiss and cuddle but I always say no sex, and DH gets sulky and last night he was quite pissed off and he went out for a walk, and has been in a mood all morning today.

I know a year is a long time and I do feel for DH, but what can I do?? I hate my breasts being touched now, and that was the thing that turned me on the most before breastfeeding, so it's like there is nothing much DH can do to arouse me anymore. And it doesn't help it that usually there isn't much foreplay (there isn't that much time, by the time the kids are in bed and housework is done) and there is always the pressure of sex if we start kissing and cuddling. DH thinks sex is imminent, but I just want some cuddling.

Frankly, the way I am feeling at the moment, I don't care if I don't ever have sex again Blush

OP posts:
SpringchickenGoldBrass · 21/06/2011 11:12

Ho hum, the usual misconceptions: that men's dicks will fall off if they don;t get sex, that women simply don't like sex as much as men, blah blah.
People vary in how much sex they need and want and this is not gender specific.
It is also not at all unusual for mothers of babies and toddlers to lose a lot of their previous level of interest in sex. But they will regain their libidos quicker if their husbands/partners are not tosspots about the issue.
I think actually that one of the biggest reasons for women losing interest in sex with their longterm partners (well, the second biggest, the biggest one is always going to be men who don't do enough domestic work and childcare) is that their longterm partners are actually rubbish in bed. When you are In Love with a man you are more accepting of a sexual technique which is two pumps and a squirt, or consists of a rather narrow repertoire that he doesn't want to change because it 'works for him' - or indeed a rather elaborate business of toys and lingeries and varied positions that doesn't actually contribue to the woman's orgasm. WHen your sex life has been one of those 'Well I don't need to have an orgasm as long as you do darling' ones, then when you are tired, touched out, hormonally challenged and pissed off with your H anyway, having to engage in sex that isn't even going to get you off becomes less and less appealing.
Now while I fully agree that someone who refuses sex and won';t discuss the issue or agree that it needs discussing is being unfair and eventually his/her partner will either have an affair and leave, if the OP has explained to her H that she is tired, needs more help and support from him and he isn;t listening then it's his own fault he isn't getting as much sex with her as he would like.
The efforts the H needs to make are: stop being such a dick about the car and the cleaner, make sure you take at least one evening/weekend afternoon and look after the DC by yourself so the OP gets leisure time - this is a higher priority than 'couple time' for an exhausted and pissed off SAHM.
The OP should talk to her H and remind him that this stage of sleep deprivation doesn;t last forever, and take some time to rediscover herself, and keep communicating her wants an needs to the H.
Best of luck.

vmcd28 · 21/06/2011 11:25

An important point to those of you whose husbands are less than understanding of this, and you're tempted to put out just to stop him leaving you - coercing someone to have sex with you, by way of threatening you with something (such as walking out of the marriage) is by definition rape.
Doesn't sound such a great idea to me.

megapixels · 21/06/2011 11:32

I think it's quite normal to go off sex when you have a small baby (and you have a toddler as well!) and are left to do all the childcare and housework without any help. I think it is quite unusual for a woman in that position to be in the mood for sex regularly, though some women would do it, just because it seems to be ingrained that it is a wifely duty and necessary to "keep their man from going elsewhere" Hmm.

Looks like you have other issues as well and your dh is being a complete jerk about the cleaner and car. Would something like Relate be out of the question?

Don't listen to the "lube yourself, grit your teeth and lie back" BS. Any sane human being wouldn't think it's worth reducing yourself to a blow-up doll to keep a man.

MrSpoc · 21/06/2011 11:34

Thats a bit far-fetched VMCD28.

So if i said to my wife. Ok you no longer want sex ever again, you do not like it and have now fulfilled your child birthing duties so now you will cease from this activity.

If i then said fine then in effect we are no longer living as man & wife but more friends living under the same roof, so ill go and find a new partner. If the wife then said hang on let?s make an effort you can now fuck me to see if i get in the mood.

So by your definition, this is RAPE?

Pull the over one love.

Omigawd · 21/06/2011 11:38

I wondered when the rape card would be played, its like the Godwin's Law of MN :-)

CoffeeDodger · 21/06/2011 11:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LuckyMrsT · 21/06/2011 11:42

Hi Choceyes, I read this thread yesterday and thought about it all night. Like some of the others it made me think about my own situation (this is why I love MN). Our DS is 3 months and we've only had sex four times since he was born - once being last night after I read this Smile. I know my DH is feeling frustrated as he's very physical in his affection and I can tell that I'm hurting him when I constantly turn him down. But like you I'm BFing, tired and 'touched out' and just not really feeling it at the moment.

I just wanted to say that if you want your marriage to work you do have to address this. Now I don't think he could justify an affair because you won't have sex with him but it's a fact that if you constantly reject him the love will die and you leave yourselves vulnerable to outside temptation. As others have said you have a responsibility to take action by starting the ball rolling and talking to him. I also think you should have a car and cleaner if you can afford it and agreeing something will hopefully stop some of the resentment that's getting in your way. I wish you all the best and thanks for the post, it's helped me remember that I need to show my DH a bit more love too.

vmcd28 · 21/06/2011 11:43

You're completely changing what I've said.
I said threatening. Your example is discussing and trying to fix it, not at all the same thing as threatening.

MrSpoc · 21/06/2011 11:45

But it is still a threat - no sex ill leave. This is still not RAPE.

OrangeHat · 21/06/2011 11:50

So there is no room on here for temporary loss of libido after children?

The idea that women should just lie there and get shagged to stop their husbands running off, however much they hate it, is really really depressing. I thought that relationships / marriages had moved beyond that?

OrangeHat · 21/06/2011 11:52

The idea that normal men would want to fuck their partners even if they knew they were hating is is bizarre to me as well I have to say.

vmcd28 · 21/06/2011 11:54

MrSpoc, actually it is rape. By definition. Look it up.
And actually, when I felt at my lowest, that is also how it would have felt to me. But thank God my dh had a different attitude from you.

Omigawd, "the rape card". Seriously? Wow.

snowmama · 21/06/2011 11:55

Oh my days. How about the husbands to women with young children, take the responsibility to show a little love and tenderness and don't make their love dependent on sex.

Mr Spoc, are you proposing that the conversation described above is a reasonable discussion to have with a woman who is tired, and still breastfeeding which is impacting on her sex drive?

What would be wrong with'what can do to help you now to make you feel better' ? If I was presented with that argument of 'put out, or I go elsewhere', I would feel I was being coerced into sex.

vmcd28 · 21/06/2011 11:55

Orangehat, that's what I said earlier - my dh and I would be far LESS happy having sex if it repulsed me, than having none at all till we worked through the problem.

vmcd28 · 21/06/2011 11:57

Snowmama - we just have to be thankful that our dhs are more understanding/give more of a shit about our feelings than MrSpoc.

vmcd28 · 21/06/2011 11:58

This thread illustates some of things I hate about MN. Some people give the advice they were asked for, others come on and twist their words and mock what they say, when they've clearly never been in the same situation. Bizarre.

CoffeeDodger · 21/06/2011 11:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrSpoc · 21/06/2011 12:00

VMCD28 - you have took it out of all proportions. If you tried to take that to court you would be laughed at.

Court - Why you here
VMCD28 - My husband said he'll leave cause i wont sleep with him so i did. He raped me.
Court - Fuck off.

OrangeHat no one said that they would not be understanding of what they have been through but 1 year - 2 years, never again is such a huge change.

Have a look at my experiance that i wrote earlier and it my give you an insight into the male's perspective.

Men just dont want sex. The wife lying there while then men empty their load. We want the affection that comes with it. the feeling of beling held, loved, longed, fancied. Without this for a long time is very wearing and makes you feel rejected, unloved.

It is not enjoyable sleeping with a wife who does not want it or not into it. Why would we enjoy it?

MrSpoc · 21/06/2011 12:00

I agree CoffeDodger

OrangeHat · 21/06/2011 12:01

Who says that not having penetrative sex means that there is no holding, loving, fancying, and even groping and kissing?

MrSpoc · 21/06/2011 12:02

vmcd28 - snowmama, i suggest you read my experiance that i posted earlier. That may help you understand.

MrSpoc · 21/06/2011 12:05

My experiance OrangeHat is that you dont get that either. I would often try to hold my wife, kiss her or even just give her a back rub but she would reject. After advice from people on this site we sat down together and talked. it helped us both.

Turns out she was scared of me trying to take it further. Now we can both lie down togther and have a snuggle on the sette with no worries.

OrangeHat · 21/06/2011 12:07

People have different experiences mrspoc

snowmama · 21/06/2011 12:07

Well, I am single parent, which suits me better than when I was married.

In all seriousness though, for those with husbands, as vmcd28 age coffeedoger etc say, a good husband will not want to have sex with you if you don't want to.

If a man threatens to fuck someone else unless you put out here and now, when you don't want to, then he is coercing you into sex, which last time I checked is rape.

MrSpoc · 21/06/2011 12:08

Yes but mine seems to be the same experiance as the majority of men.'s.