to not want to have sex?

[choceyes]

DD is over 10 months now, and me and DH hasn't had sex for about a year now

I have absolutely no desire to have sex anymore. I'm sure it's partly to do with breastfeeding and partly to do with looking after DD and DS who is 2.5yrs. I'm absolutely shattered most days by the evenings, and all day DS and DD would have been all over me and I carry DD a lot and DS is quite clingy too since DD was born so he needs a lot of comforting and cuddles and he loves climbing all over me all the time....so I'm all touched out by the evening.

DH once a week or so asks me if we can DTD, we kiss and cuddle but I always say no sex, and DH gets sulky and last night he was quite pissed off and he went out for a walk, and has been in a mood all morning today.

I know a year is a long time and I do feel for DH, but what can I do?? I hate my breasts being touched now, and that was the thing that turned me on the most before breastfeeding, so it's like there is nothing much DH can do to arouse me anymore. And it doesn't help it that usually there isn't much foreplay (there isn't that much time, by the time the kids are in bed and housework is done) and there is always the pressure of sex if we start kissing and cuddling. DH thinks sex is imminent, but I just want some cuddling.

Frankly, the way I am feeling at the moment, I don't care if I don't ever have sex again

I've read posts on MN previously where a female MNetter complains that DH or DP refuses to have sex, and for the most part they receive supportive comments. Everyone seems to sympathise and offer suggestions and attempts to understand how difficult that must be. But the MOMENT a woman posts that she just doesn't feel like sex and doesn't want to sleep with her partner she is immediately vindicated for her choice to refuse and suddenly the whole thing becomes the DH problem The argument suddenly becomes about a man rights verses a womans right, instead of about two people who are both contributing to a marriage.

The O.P hasn't said her husband is awful or emotionally abusive. I find it strange that people are giving O.P the idea that she should only consider HER feelings and ignore his. That it's alright if she chooses not sleep with her husband for months, but he is selfish if he misses sex and dares to express this. That if her husband doesn't hire a cleaner he is somehow a control freak, and emotionally abusive.

I personally think choosing to deliberately withhold sex from a partner without prior discussion for prolonged periods of time is very controlling behaviour, and it is worse when not getting everything you want is used to justify continuing withholding it. I am not taking 'the man's side' if the roles where reversed I'd take 'her side' equally.

choceyes, dunno if ur still reading this thread but if u are, here's my tuppence worth:

really whether you and DH are having sex or not is a bit of a red herring - it's a symptom of a wider problem in your relationship. I did a bit of work as a family therapist during work training and I seemed to see all the ladies who were depressed, which turned out to be due to no sex (for YEARS) and the no sex turned out to be due to other unresolved issues. It sounds from your OP and a few of the subsequent ones I've seen that you are pretty angry with your DH and that your expectations of each other and your communication with each other are a big part of what is going on here. Never mind the real huge impacts of childrearing and breastfeeding!!!

I think you should try to get some counselling, not cos you're 'mental' or 'wrong' but purely to have a non-judgmental space to work out what you want and what you need in your life right now. Once you've started that, look into some couple's counselling or family therapy work. As one poster has mentioned, RELATE is pretty much available nationwide - tho you may have to pay for sessions (think so). Or some NHS trusts offer this sort of help (but are under a lot of pressure to cut services so get it while you can!). Or google couples counselling in your area. And some NHS services have psychosexual clinics too, for 'female loss of desire' (again, usually a lot more complicated than one label can cover!) where you might get some help for you.

I don't think it'll lead to a straightforward happily ever after, and one thing about counselling is that you can end up hearing and facing up to things you really don't want to - but you sound like you're getting near the end of your tether. Good luck.

swallowedafly, Ive seen loads of people on MN being attacked for things, and it's always in a situation where posters have never been in that situation.

eg "I would NEVER ever have an elective C-section. I've had 7 natural deliveries, and it's not as hard as people make out" type of comments.

My sympathies OP; you sound like you are tired and frustrated. This thread is long and convoluted; but I think there is something I would like to add/reiterate:

1. The "right" to have sex does not exist: not for a man, not for a woman. It's one of the reasons why rape within marriage had to be recognised as a crime. Just being married someone does not mean that you are required to have sex on demand nor perform any service at all. Plus, sex is not the be all and end all of a relationship; it's just one part of it. Mutual respect, love etc are much more important things imho.

1. Your DH is not an animal unable to control his sexual desire. If he doesn't have sex with you this does not mean he will need to look to other women to satisfy it. If he uses this as a threat with you, he is bullying you. The posters who suggest such a thing are bullying you. People have sex from choice not overwhelming and unstoppable necessity. Pretending otherwise is just a way of excusing or rationalising this choice.

1. Beside being demeaning and sexist, pragmatically speaking, taking up the "grit your teeth and get on with it" advice is not going to help you to solve any of your problems with your DH. It won't cure your resentments or your tiredness. It won't make him magically agree to drive you places. It won't make your sex drive reappear either. I think it may even add to your resentment.

1. I don't think the not wanting sex is not the cause of your problems with your DH, I think, but rather a symptom of other issues: namely, the question of your tiredness and frustratedness with DH. These are the things you need to address in your relationship, imho, before even worrying about your attitude to sex.

clickety - you must be some kind of prize twat!

"The O.P wanted the family and kids. She got it. Now she's complaining about the work involved."

Who's to say the OP's partner didn't want family and kids. Why are kids only hers? Are 'family and kids' some sort of payment for sex on demand? What a weird and unhealthy view of family life you must have.....

Young children make you tired. Housework makes you tired. Being tired makes you less keen on sex. It's not a complex idea really. If her partner wants more sex he needs to help her to stop being so knackered and worn down. Or would he really like to simply perform sexual intercourse on a worn out and unaroused female body? Might as well get himself a nicely compliant Rubber Rhona and solve all his problems.

that illustrates my point nicely - "choosing to deliberately withhold sex from a partner without prior discussion". It's not a "choice" and it's not "deliberate" - given that youve never experienced this, then how can you make such sweeping statements?

LOL at deliberate witholding of sex. Does it count as deliberate witholding when your eyes are closing the moment you hit the mattress and even when you get a chance to sit down on the sofa?

[round of applause] for saf and catitainahatita

Just to put my 2 pennies worth in about what helps to regain sex drive after kids;

a) get cleaner
b) stop bfing
c) read sexy books / romances - get them from the library.
d) Exercise (might be easier when back at work)
e) Some time alone to get some mental space.

good luck!

oh and thanks to mumsnet; take Spatone sachets. I put them with a fizzy vit tablet and I swear it gives me more energy.

Wow this thread has moved on.

I've noticed something about a lot of the posts where people are saying they haven't had sex with DH for x months/years. All the posts are about them, what their DH is/should be doing for them, how the impact of childbirth/rearing is affecting them. Its all about them_. Not one says anything about the DH apart from maybe 'he is not pressuring me and he is happy to wait'. Well he doesn't really have a choice does he?

A lot of you are come across as very selfish and talk as if motherhood is some kind of higher calling and no man has any right to express unhappiness with the state of his marriage once a baby arrives.

Twat yourself Ormirian.

"Young children make you tired. Housework makes you tired. Being tired makes you less keen on sex. It's not a complex idea really.

No really? Why I don't have children myself, have never endured sleepless nights and have never done housework. I had NO idea those activities could make you tired. And I'm always turned on regardless of how tired I am. Really?

We are not talking about less keen here. We are talking about NO sex whatsoever. And yes if someone's libido falls to the point that they feel they cannot have sex at all, they should out of simple respect for their spouse's feelings get some help, not wait 10 months, and then accuse their partner of being unreasonable for wanting more than a hug. At that point it does become a choice. But as usual on MN name calling has started coming into the equation now.

Well you can all sod off I'm going to bed with someand, tired from all that housework you see.

snowmama: 'if I was the OP, and my H suggested I went to counselling/GP/Relate about my sex drive, without changing his position on the car, cleaner or housework, then I strongly suspect that the counselling sessions would not be about how often we had sex.'

I totally agree and hadn't seen the information about the car and the cleaner and so on when I wrote my post. That would make a huge difference to me.

Like many, I had the common post-baby libido issue and my OH has also had his own sex-drive issues at other times. I have a really lovely OH who never once put any pressure on me and who is, and always has been, hugely involved in the parenting and running of the household. I was motivated to take steps to address my own libido issue because I wanted to be intimate with him; not just for him, for us. I tend to forget that some women's OH's are expecting their wives to leap willingly into the sack with them without them having to make any changes or efforts themselves.

And as for foreplay, as mentioned by the OP, I personally would be much less interested in having sex if I knew there was going to be little or no foreplay as it's a huge part of the whole thing for both me and the OH.

Pintglass, we haven't mentioned all the things we do for our DHs because we don't class it as a competition. We merely pointed out what a reasonable dh would do for us to help us through this. That's the relevant point here.
We have lists a mile long of what we do for each other. And my dh appreciates WHY I have low libido atm. That's the point.

Still only read till page 7 (two small kids, hardly get ANY time these days), but loving ShowofHands and Stay Frostys posts. YOu echo my thoughts exactly. And a few others too although can't remember all the names.

The others who are all doom and gloom about my relantionshop with DH - well I am taking on board your experiences and advice too. I know I need to do something about the situation and it's great to hear everybodies POV.

Also wanted to say, ShowMama regarding the car business - yes my DH is very much passive aggressive unfortunately. I on the other hand is very quick tempered and aggressive and certinaly not passive about it!

last night I talked to DH about this a little bit. I asked him for cuddles and kisses, but he says that he is sick of giving them out when it doesn't end in sex, so I guess he is saying that he won't be intimate with me unless in ends in sex. Well what can I say to that. nad I desperately want his touch and intimacy. After spending the day looking after the kids on my own (a particulalry bad day today) I just need some adult company and closeness. He has gone off to play Squash (he did ask me first though and has done all the washing up) and I am left on my own. The last 10 months after having DD has been the hardest of my life.

Having DS changes our lives a somewhat, but having DD has completely knackered it.

sorry so many spelling mistakes.

Also wanted to add that my DH is ACE at housework. He does most of it actually, so can't complain there. And is a responsible parent who does his fair share of childcare and is a great father to our DCs. There are his redeeming features and if it weren't so I'd have left him by now.

"Twat yourself "

"No,twat you!"

"Nooo, twat to you first"

Well bully for you for being such a good little woman. I am so glad I am not married to the sort of man who didn;t compromise, at the very least, in the first few years of our DC lives.

"a) get cleaner
b) stop bfing
c) read sexy books / romances - get them from the library.
d) Exercise (might be easier when back at work)
e) Some time alone to get some mental space"

Good advice, I'd add:
f) get car
g) get kids out the marriage bed
h) get out - some other adult company to remind you what you once were

Ormirian - are you referring to me with the twatt convo??