to not want to have sex?

[choceyes]

DD is over 10 months now, and me and DH hasn't had sex for about a year now

I have absolutely no desire to have sex anymore. I'm sure it's partly to do with breastfeeding and partly to do with looking after DD and DS who is 2.5yrs. I'm absolutely shattered most days by the evenings, and all day DS and DD would have been all over me and I carry DD a lot and DS is quite clingy too since DD was born so he needs a lot of comforting and cuddles and he loves climbing all over me all the time....so I'm all touched out by the evening.

DH once a week or so asks me if we can DTD, we kiss and cuddle but I always say no sex, and DH gets sulky and last night he was quite pissed off and he went out for a walk, and has been in a mood all morning today.

I know a year is a long time and I do feel for DH, but what can I do?? I hate my breasts being touched now, and that was the thing that turned me on the most before breastfeeding, so it's like there is nothing much DH can do to arouse me anymore. And it doesn't help it that usually there isn't much foreplay (there isn't that much time, by the time the kids are in bed and housework is done) and there is always the pressure of sex if we start kissing and cuddling. DH thinks sex is imminent, but I just want some cuddling.

Frankly, the way I am feeling at the moment, I don't care if I don't ever have sex again

"No realistic expectations of what would be entailed when kids and other responsibilities arrive. "

I agree - I just don't think that the OP is the one with the unrealistic expectations!

DH and I both think if one refused the other sex for any length of time that doesn't give the other the right to go elsewhere for sex and we would just hang in there until the desire came back.

Communication is the key.

Okay reading the OPs comments she seems resentful because her DH doesn't want to hire a cleaner and because of his green-friendly views doesn't want to get a car. She also said that he does help around the house and she cannot fault him for that. Yeah he is a bit of a twat regarding the car but I presume that she new he had these green views for a long time.

A year without no sex is a long time no one saying you need to have sex every hr of everyday, but think of it this way imagine you got rejected by your DH for an entire year how would that make you feel.

From what I get from the OP she doesn't want to have sex because of self conscious issues with herself and just can't be aroused anymore and not only that she said she would be happy to never have sex again. Don't tell me that a partner should just put up with it with no complaints and many relationships would not survive an ongoing problem like that. Whether you like it or not sex is for most an important part of a relationships it's like someone in your relationship deciding to withdrawal emotionally.

The OP should make attempts to try and solve this and saying there will be consequences is not blaming or even excusing someone for straying it is just telling the facts a relationship where one partner removes an important part for an indefinite period of time and is happy to remain that way will eventually crumble -fact not an excuse

If she is happy for them to part ways then that's okay if she doesn't then they both need to do something about it.

Actually if the OP is fedup with her husband and lifestyle with him and can't imagine ever wanting to have sex with her dp again she should cut her losses and leave him. Putting off the inevitable will only cause more distress.

Why do so many people equate giving there dp a blowjob with being a doormat desperate to keep their husband, BJ's (if you like them) are part of a sexual relationship just like him going down on you. if my dp obliges me by going down on me I'm not worrying about whether i'm oppressing him or not and similarly if i give him a bj it's not a statement of the power balance within our relationship

CC your post seems to presuppose that the OPs DH

Didn't want to get married
Didn't want children and
Doesn't want her to BF

Have I missed the post where she said that?

wheredidyoulastseeit yes of course and that works for you however in your original post you just said "try giving him a blow job" with no disclaimers about "if you like them" etc

You just said to a woman who has no sex drive and for all you know hates giving BJs - give your DH a BJ. It's always best to stick a few disclaimers in when dishing out this kind of advice if you want to avoid sounding prescriptive.

Orangehat "Have I missed the post where she said that?"

I think it must have been the same post where she said they had both signed up for marriage on the condition that sex would cease for a long and indeterminate period.

I assumed that most people did like them to be honest and I also assumed that this was about how to start having a sexual relationship after a period of drought within a loving and consensual relationship. not a discussion on sexual politics. I still think that if you haven't had sex for months a bj is a good way to start seeing your dp as a sexual being and him to remember your sexual needs as well without going as far as penetrative sex.

wheredidyoulastseeit I don't think that you can assume that others all find the same things as you stimulating. Personally I like a bit of oral action as a later part of foreplay - it's not something I would feel at all comfortable doing "cold" as it were. You can't just assume that for most women upzipping their DHs fly and going down on him will get the woman into a right lather - I mean surely logically it's the least likely thing to do it unless it's something she is particularly keen on BJs IYSWIM.

I am also not sure how going down on your DH "cold" is a good way of reminding him of your sexual needs? Surely it's just a great way of getting him off quickly with as little involvement for yourself as possible. Mmmm sounds great.

What's wrong with a good old fashioned kiss for crying out loud? A stoke, a fondle, a grope? A bit of mutual masturbation? They are more gentle ways to get back into it than dropping on your knees and sucking him off I'd have thought, and ways which (for most people) are mutually enjoyable, which for many women a blow job "cold" is not.

I just thought it was shit advice, I guess is the bottom line. wheredidyouseeit your heart may have been in the right place but the way that post came out sounded terrible.

StayFrosty but in this OP DH has not insisted on claiming conjugal rights since they have not had sex for a year. I think he has every right to be upset not because of the long period without sex but because she is happy for it to remain that way.

Is he really treating her like shit though so far the only thing I see is resentment about a cleaner and no car. She said he cleans and he looks after the children including dealing with them at night so also has disturbed sleep.

I am not sure if this has been said, I haven't got time to read all the posts

But I am in a similar situarion to the OP, but I do make an effort to have sex as I know its very important for both of us, not as often as he would like though. The pity is that I don't really enjoy it. So I searched the net and came across the charity "Relate", don't know how to put links sorry, but they are UK based, they do couple counselling and sex therapy amongst other things and I have an appointment next week :) I am really excited as I love my DP to bits and we are happier than ever befor now with our DD so I just want EVERYthing to be good :)

By the way, on the website it says is a problem that affects 50% of women of certain age and its very very normal. And two thirds of the ones that go to relate have a better sex life afterwards.

Good luck!

'So many men seem to forget that motherhood requires being on duty 24/7'

Reading this I think this is why some mums feel like they dont want sex. I have never felt on duty 24/7 as a mum thats why Im married so my husband can do as much as me when he is not at work. I didnt lose my sex drive at all even a couple of weeks after birth, but then I have never had to feel like I am doing it all on my own, and wouldnt for a second put up with that

Swallowedafly, ten months is a long time. Put yourself in his shoes.

BettyCash, actually I can comment with experience of this.

I have not had sex with my dh for even longer then the OP.
We are not on the verge of splitting up, far from it. He is not out shagging someone else, and I deserved it.

Actually, I am on the PC emailing friends, looking at Facebook etc, while DH gets the baby ready for bed - after having made his bedtime bottle, and bathed our older ds. He has also laid out 2 wine glasses in the kitchen ready for when the boys are in bed in 10 mins. He is not hoping I jump his bones as a result. He is doing exactly what any reasonable, kind-hearted dh would do - he realises how drained I have been after bfeeding for 7 months, being pregnant for 14 months out of 16 before that, and knows I now need some space at times.
I am starting to come out of the other side now. Part of that is as a result of my dh not being a complete and utter dickhead.