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AIBU?

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Original poster

to not want to have sex?

460 replies

choceyes · 18/06/2011 10:26

DD is over 10 months now, and me and DH hasn't had sex for about a year now Blush

I have absolutely no desire to have sex anymore. I'm sure it's partly to do with breastfeeding and partly to do with looking after DD and DS who is 2.5yrs. I'm absolutely shattered most days by the evenings, and all day DS and DD would have been all over me and I carry DD a lot and DS is quite clingy too since DD was born so he needs a lot of comforting and cuddles and he loves climbing all over me all the time....so I'm all touched out by the evening.

DH once a week or so asks me if we can DTD, we kiss and cuddle but I always say no sex, and DH gets sulky and last night he was quite pissed off and he went out for a walk, and has been in a mood all morning today.

I know a year is a long time and I do feel for DH, but what can I do?? I hate my breasts being touched now, and that was the thing that turned me on the most before breastfeeding, so it's like there is nothing much DH can do to arouse me anymore. And it doesn't help it that usually there isn't much foreplay (there isn't that much time, by the time the kids are in bed and housework is done) and there is always the pressure of sex if we start kissing and cuddling. DH thinks sex is imminent, but I just want some cuddling.

Frankly, the way I am feeling at the moment, I don't care if I don't ever have sex again Blush

OP posts:
snowmama · 21/06/2011 15:08

Yes, OP gets no foreplay, housework support at a cost of nagging, passive aggression about car and cleaner, a lack of appreciation that her breastfeeding has impacted on how they feel to be touched....yet she is the selfish one.

What does the husband need to do to meet her halfway?

MillyR · 21/06/2011 15:11

I don't care if you've just come back from active service in Afghanistan and crossed the North Atlantic in a Zeppelin. You don't feel the way the OP feels about sex. She doesn't want that intimacy. She isn't you.

The comments of many posters on this thread, effectively trying to pressure a woman yo have sex when she does not want, is by far the most disgusting thing I have seen on MN.

Omigawd · 21/06/2011 15:13

Olifin noted (in a good post IMO):

"If the situation becomes a long-term difficulty (For me personally, 3 months perhaps; I'm sure this 'limit' would vary from couple to couple) "

I think this is what this all boils down to...how long is "reasonable"?

Clearly it depends on the circumstances, and the people, but IMO still no nookie a year after childbirth is starting to knock on the "There will be consequences" mark. (In fact I suspect ther already are, just reading about the OP's family environment)

And yes I think the guy is a total prat re car and cleaner too.

vmcd28 · 21/06/2011 15:15

clickety, I said earlier, it's been LONGER THAN A WHOLE YEAR for us so far. Buy, actually, dh and I are still happy, mainly. Doesnt mean we are thrilled with this situation. It means we respect each other and are working through it. Go figure.

Laquitar · 21/06/2011 15:16

Shock and Hmm @ MillyR

snowmama · 21/06/2011 15:24

'There will be consequences' mentality puts the blame squarely at the feet of the woman who does not want sex, and suggests regular sex solves all marital difficulties.

Examining the causes and not pressurising someone into doing something, they don't want to do may be a kinder way of responding though.

swallowedAfly · 21/06/2011 15:30

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Message withdrawn

spanishfly · 21/06/2011 15:31

Gosh this is a shocking thread if ever I read one!!

The posters who suggest lying back and thinking of England sound completely bonkers.

What does "nm" mean btw?

swallowedAfly · 21/06/2011 15:33

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Message withdrawn

LolaRennt · 21/06/2011 15:37

Unless dh had a medical reason for not having sex with me for a year (and was seeking treatment) I'd start to question my marriage tbh, and myself.

vmcd28 · 21/06/2011 15:38

Fly, youre right - I'm off to email dh to tell him I'm going to suck him off tonight, and will feel cheap for doing so. But I dont mind doing it, as it's my duty to keep him happy.

vmcd28 · 21/06/2011 15:39

Lola, dont you consider exhaustion, stress, hormones etc to be medical? Or do you think it's all in her head?

swallowedAfly · 21/06/2011 15:42

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snowmama · 21/06/2011 15:44

Yes, SAF, that seems to be what I am hearing....I am not saying this of the OP's situation , but just as an aside, men who play away will find an excuse to do so whether their wives have sex with them or not.

swallowedAfly · 21/06/2011 15:47

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WidowWadman · 21/06/2011 15:50

Pumpernickel - "The op is not being selfish fabby you can't make someone have sex if they don't want it. Explain to me how the op is selfish?"

Obviously you cannot make anyone have sex against their will, but can you make someone live without sex for an indefinite amount of time or possibly forever against their will? Is that fair?

If she doesn't even try to find a conpromise, by say, trying to explore what happened to the Mojo, and whether its possible to get it back, it just shows a complete disregard of his feelings. Don't think a relationship can survive that

clickityclackity · 21/06/2011 15:51

"she's spending 20 hours or so a day (and night) looking after dependent infants, even feeding one of them from her own body for hours a day and being climbed all over whilst doing it. she is also cooking and cleaning and sorting out everyone's clothes whenever she has a spare second in the context of having been pregnant, bf or pregnant again for the last 3.5years."

O.K and who chose to get married? Who chose to have several children close together? Who is chosing to breatfeed several hours a day? The O.P did that's who.

When people choose to get married, they must know that things will not be exactly the same when they have kids and more responsibilities. The dynamic of any relationshiop changes when kids come along. The romance and passion can easily fly out the window if you're not careful. And there will be more washing and folding and housework to do.

The O.P wanted the family and kids. She got it. Now she's complaining about the work involved.

And god, how many women would love a cleaner or/and a car and can't have one?

Are you really telling me that the OP has a right to hold resentment because her husband says no to a cleaner and she has to get the bus? Get real.

If there is a medical problem such as PD the O.P should look into it. And no, sex isn't the only way to show affection but few people get married hoping for a platonic relationship.

snowmama · 21/06/2011 15:56

Ha! SAF is right though, life without a man is not the worst outcome in the world.

Seriously though OP, it might be worth getting some time out with a counselor to work through your current situation....and be clear to husband what you need from him. His response to that will tell you a lot of what you need to know.

snowmama · 21/06/2011 16:00

Seriously Clikety, you have just painted the least appealing picture of marriage I ever read!

They earn £60k between them, she is not entitled to a car in cleaner because others in the world can't afford it. Is that really your argument?

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 21/06/2011 16:01

"When people choose to get married, they must know that things will not be exactly the same when they have kids and more responsibilities. The dynamic of any relationshiop changes when kids come along. The romance and passion can easily fly out the window if you're not careful. And there will be more washing and folding and housework to do."

Precisely - why is the OP's DH not accepting this? Why is he denying her a cleaner and a car, not setting aside time for her, not even starting with foreplay? Why is his life not changing but hers is? Why is she being the one that has to accommodate all the changes? Why is he acting like he doesn't care about her needs and her emotions?

Talk about looking at the this from the male perspective!

clickityclackity · 21/06/2011 16:10

It is the OP who is painting an unappealing picture of marriage. IMO this post typifies exactly why so many marriages break down. No communication, no sex, blaming extrinsic factors like lack of cars, cleaners. No realistic expectations of what would be entailed when kids and other responsibilities arrive. No responsibility for own choices - thus not seeking proper help and then turning the whole thing into a gender war.

InTheNightKitchen · 21/06/2011 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MillyR · 21/06/2011 16:16

CC, if you think that a realistic expectation of marriage is that a woman should expect to have to do all of the housework and childcare, then I think you are the person making this into a gender war.

Where do people on MN live? 1955?

snowmama · 21/06/2011 16:21

Oh yes, wouldn't it be a lovely world if we sucked up being exhausted, being treated badly, pretended there wasnt technology or services about to make our lives easier, communicated by agreeing to sex, and treated the responsibility of marriage as ours alone.

Sounds fab, where can I sign up ? Let's not have men step up and be kind to their wives, lest we kick off an imaginary 'gender war' though.

vmcd28 · 21/06/2011 16:23

Clickety, I think we ALL agree that no communication AND no sex is not conducive to a healthy marriage IN THE LONG TERM.
But to say that the OP is saying that her situation is BECAUSE she doesnt have a cleaner and has to get the bus everywhere is insulting to anyone who has ever felt like this

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