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Original poster

In thinking it's strange not to want me at his house?

295 replies

LoweredBrows · 17/06/2011 12:09

Been with DP 2 years. I moved in with him briefly last year as I had nowhere else to stay (landlord of my house went bankrupt etc) but he moved again and I took over the tenancy of his house. So we do have a lot of history, it's certainly not a new relationship. I helped him move etc and stayed the night at his new house so I know he didn't move in with another woman or anything. Since then though he's been really funny about me going to his house. The only time he's ok with it is if I give him plenty of notice (like a few days notice).
A while ago he invited me around (this is very rare) during the day, he made me lunch etc and I put my shopping in his freezer but I forgot to take it home, not realising until later. I text him saying I'd pop around for my stuff and he was all like "No no, I'll bring it to you". So I told him I was going passed his house anyway so I might as well just pick it up and he made excuse after excuse and in the end insisted that he bring it to me???

Same thing happened again with something else, I said I'd pop in after work and pick it up. He protested, made excuses, acted strange but I pushed it this time because I was starting to wonder what he was up to and in the end he agreed but wanted a specific time in which I'd be there.

He bought me a cake a couple of days ago. Came around to my house but forgot it. I said "No worries, I'm going passed your house tonight on the way to the opticians, I'll pick it up" so he went on with his excuses, trying to get out of it, saying he'd bring it to me, even tried to say he'd drop it in at 5am on his way to work!! I was like "err no, that's just stupid, I'll just pick it up" so reluctantly he agreed but again wanted a specific time and text me an hour before to ask if I was still going and would it be the same time still. I was in a shit mood when he text so I replied saying "actually no, I have to much on tonight, sorry. I'll pick it up tomorow when I leave work". He agreed and seemed relieved. SO I was supposed to be picking it up this afternoon and I've just had a text saying he's leaving work early so will go home, pick up the cake and come back to mine to drop it off!! this is really going out of his way!! why?? I know for a fact he's not married lol, so why the urgency in keeping me away from his house?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/06/2011 13:05

You refer to him as 'DP', LoweredBrows, it doesn't sound as if he'd refer to you in anything like the same way.

Something's going on, it doesn't really matter what, but the fact that he's not being truthful or forthcoming with you means that he's not even a friend. Confused

ENormaSnob · 17/06/2011 13:06

It's all very odd.

I would do a stake out purely for the coffee and donuts.

bubblecoral · 17/06/2011 13:11

If you can't shake the feeling that there's something wrong, then there is something wrong!

Whatever it may be, he's hiding something, that much you can be certain of.

Now the choice you have to make is whether of not you are going to continue letting him take the piss out of you until you finally find out what it is.

rulenumber1 · 17/06/2011 13:11

He's hiding something and has plenty of opportunity for another relationship.

If you frequent the 'Relatinship' threads you'll know that a cheating man will almost always accuse his partner of paranoia when she first confronts his with her suspicions / evidence. That sort of confirms it for me. Also, it never ceases to amaze me how cheating me manage to find a second relationship into a very small space of free time in their life. The 'Relationships' topic probably would have been more helpful for this issue, I think.

It doesn't sound like it's much of a relationship tbh. Why don't you let it go and find someone who cares about you and des want you to be part of their life on a regular basis.

FakePlasticTrees · 17/06/2011 13:14

There'll be coffee and donuts? OK - am in for a stake out too.

Just thinking back, what was the reason for him moving out after you moved in together? Was it just too soon or does he not like to share space? (Which might explain his behaviour if it's just that he's odd about sharing space rather than cheating or breaking the law in some way, of course that does mean you have to accept you'll never have a proper relationship with him, youll just be the girlfriend he sees now and then rather than full life partner)

Laquitar · 17/06/2011 13:17

He might see other women or he might be controlling and likes things to be pre-arranged.

Or he might be 'anavailable' and this is his defence. In this case, the more you 'forget things' at his house, the more he will pull away. Tbh your dialogue sounds a bit silly 'no, i'll come to get it' ,'no, no, i'll bring it to you' 'no, no, i can come after work'....

Just look at him in the eyes and ask straight forward what is the reason for this and tell him plain and straight how you feel about it. (he might start talking about indepedence, feeling suffocating, not ready, blah blah)

Also ask yourself what you want from him and what you will do if he doesn't want the same things.

girlywhirly · 17/06/2011 13:17

The thing is, he is covering something up and is less than honest. So why would anyone believe him if he was confronted and gave an explanation?

I think you'd be better off without him.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 17/06/2011 13:17

There's only one way you're going to find out for sure, and having aroused so much curiousity you will very definitely BU if you don't come back here after you've made a surprise visit around 7.30pm one evening.

Original poster
LoweredBrows · 17/06/2011 13:18

See I always go on facebook to see if he's on in an evening but he very rarely is. So last night I just couldn't be arsed and instead watched Born To Be Different. I then get a text from him asking if I'm going on facebook Hmm so I go on - he says hello etc and then says he's watching a thunderstorm outside and I get no reply for 20 minutes. Therefore, sick of playing the lapdog I send a message saying "going to watch telly, cya". 10 minutes later I get a text asking why I went off facebook!!
He only seems to want me when it's on his terms. If I'm warm, he'll blow cold. Id I blow cold, he warms up in panic. Last night after the facebook thing he offered to take me out for lunch next week for instance.

He's coming at 2pm today. I'm going to wait until about 7ish tonight and then said a text asking what he's up to. He'll probably say "watching tv" so I'll say "ok I'm popping down with something I got you earlier but forgot to give you". That way, he can't say he's going out.

I'll let you know how it goes.

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 17/06/2011 13:19

Sounds odd - my money is cross dressing!

Lemonylemon · 17/06/2011 13:25

OP: I wouldn't bother telling him you're going down there with the money- just turn up and see what happens.....

thenightsky · 17/06/2011 13:26

I'd just ignore the bastard for a fortnight.

Pennybubbly · 17/06/2011 13:27

Do yourself a favour and do a bit more digging. You obviously have heavy suspicions otherwise you wouldn't be checking his bills and posting on here.
You say everything else is ok, but if you're looking round his place on the sly trying to find evidence, I'd say it was far from ok.
I'm not sure that I'd go as far as camping outside his place, but I'd be calling round there unannounced for sure and definitely calling the landline.
Something isn't right. You know it, we sense it.
As painful as it'll be now, it'll be better than investing another 2 years on someone who really isn't respecting you at all. I'm sorry, I really am.

Georgimama · 17/06/2011 13:27

Basically one (or both) of two things are going on:

  1. he is engaged in criminal activity - drug cultivation/dealing/fence

  2. he has another relationship on similar terms to the one he has with you

There is a third, highly unlikely possibility that he is a spy.

Dump him, basically.

TotallyLovely · 17/06/2011 13:28

If I'm warm, he'll blow cold. Id I blow cold, he warms up in panic

I had an ex like that! He had serious issues. He pushes women away and then when they go works hard at getting them back. Think it's all to do with his late adoption. His mum had him adopted when he was 5. He would still see his mum but wasn't allowed to tell her subsequent children that she was his mum Sad

Allinabinbag · 17/06/2011 13:30

Even if it is 'just' mess, OCD, porn or a marijuana factor (!), don't you need to know before carrying on?! And another relationship is the most likely. It all sounds very suspicious to me, you don't use his landline no (which is another dodgy sign). And surely if he was a nice upfront guy and you said you seem to be keeping me away from the house, he would invite you round to reassure you, not go on about your paranoia.

Good luck hunting but my guess is you are going to find out something unsavoury.

IWantToBeAFairyWhenIGrowUp · 17/06/2011 13:34

This is really odd.

I don't understand why you don't just pop round there, don't ring him first, then you can say you were just passing.

thenightsky · 17/06/2011 13:36

Roll up there very early in the day, or very late.

Hammy02 · 17/06/2011 13:36

OP why are you giving him a warning about going to see him? Just turn up. It sounds as though you are afraid of what you may find. It's better to find out sooner rather than later if there is something going on isn't it? You are not being at all unreasonable in turning up unannounced. 2 years is not a short relationship.

messybedhead · 17/06/2011 13:44

GO there right now.

saladfingers · 17/06/2011 13:45

No signs of a femine touch. Any chance he could be bi and have a BF?
I'd have to call in unexpectedly I'm afraid

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 17/06/2011 13:47

def dont call, just turn up!!

thenightsky · 17/06/2011 13:49

When you have got him chatting on Facebook, tell him you have computer problems and are signing out to try and fix things, reboot computer, whatever. Then hot-foot it round his place fast and knock on the door. Say 'suprise honey' and throw your arms around him when he answers.

That's assuming you live close enough to do that of course.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 17/06/2011 13:49

Agree - don't tell him you're going. Just pop in "cos you were in the area". You may not like what you find, but at least you'll know.

SarahBumBarer · 17/06/2011 13:50

What exactly gave his parents the impression you split up when he moved out?

Is he worried that if you go round to much you'll move in again and he'll have to move again to get away? Grin All very odd.

I'd be dropping by unannounced and I'd call him on completely the next time he is acting weird at the time he is acting weird - ie not as a separate abstract falsely lighthearted conversation but a direct - you are always like this what is this about challenge.

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