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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking it's strange not to want me at his house?

295 replies

LoweredBrows · 17/06/2011 12:09

Been with DP 2 years. I moved in with him briefly last year as I had nowhere else to stay (landlord of my house went bankrupt etc) but he moved again and I took over the tenancy of his house. So we do have a lot of history, it's certainly not a new relationship. I helped him move etc and stayed the night at his new house so I know he didn't move in with another woman or anything. Since then though he's been really funny about me going to his house. The only time he's ok with it is if I give him plenty of notice (like a few days notice).
A while ago he invited me around (this is very rare) during the day, he made me lunch etc and I put my shopping in his freezer but I forgot to take it home, not realising until later. I text him saying I'd pop around for my stuff and he was all like "No no, I'll bring it to you". So I told him I was going passed his house anyway so I might as well just pick it up and he made excuse after excuse and in the end insisted that he bring it to me???

Same thing happened again with something else, I said I'd pop in after work and pick it up. He protested, made excuses, acted strange but I pushed it this time because I was starting to wonder what he was up to and in the end he agreed but wanted a specific time in which I'd be there.

He bought me a cake a couple of days ago. Came around to my house but forgot it. I said "No worries, I'm going passed your house tonight on the way to the opticians, I'll pick it up" so he went on with his excuses, trying to get out of it, saying he'd bring it to me, even tried to say he'd drop it in at 5am on his way to work!! I was like "err no, that's just stupid, I'll just pick it up" so reluctantly he agreed but again wanted a specific time and text me an hour before to ask if I was still going and would it be the same time still. I was in a shit mood when he text so I replied saying "actually no, I have to much on tonight, sorry. I'll pick it up tomorow when I leave work". He agreed and seemed relieved. SO I was supposed to be picking it up this afternoon and I've just had a text saying he's leaving work early so will go home, pick up the cake and come back to mine to drop it off!! this is really going out of his way!! why?? I know for a fact he's not married lol, so why the urgency in keeping me away from his house?

OP posts:
Original poster
LoweredBrows · 17/06/2011 12:23

lol I have visions of sitting outside his house with a newspaper over my face Grin he'd recognise my car though and I can't afford to hire one.

OP posts:
Callisto · 17/06/2011 12:23

It does sound bizarre in the extreme, especially as you once lived together. I think you need to ask him why he is being so odd, or hire a private detective to watch the house for a few days to see if anything illicit is going on - drugs, women, terrorism...

Original poster
LoweredBrows · 17/06/2011 12:25

terrorism lol

Thing is when I've been to his house, all seems normal. It's very blokish, no female touch anywhere. There is usually signs of rushed away mess though like a stray sock hanging from under the sofa and grease all over the oven top when the kitchen sides are otherwise spotless.

OP posts:
Glitterknickaz · 17/06/2011 12:26

He's living with someone else.

Original poster
LoweredBrows · 17/06/2011 12:27

Just thought of something else. When I said yesterday I'd pop around this afternoon (as in today) he said "alright but you can't stay, I have to pick some things up from doctors". There have been times when I've gone to pick something up and he's been waiting in the kitchen window and then rushes out with my stuff before I've even had chance to get out of the car.

OP posts:
grandadsays · 17/06/2011 12:28

I actually have the same issue with my flat and DP. I have always been very possessive of my space and privacy, DP has only seen my home once in three years!

He did ask me once if I was secretly married but now he has pretty much accepted it as one of my quirks. It doesn't always mean a secret lover or criminal activity.

bran · 17/06/2011 12:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleBlueBoat · 17/06/2011 12:29

use a friends car?

Also i moved in with DH and our home even with kids is still bloky as i'm not house proud. He could be living with someone else?

paddypoopants · 17/06/2011 12:30

Something similar happened to someone I knew. Turned out the house wasn't his it was his friend's. He had another house with a wife and 2 kids. You wouldn't have believed it. The girl i knew was really smart and sensible and it took her ages to twig something was up, she just couldn't believe he was lying to her. I'm not saying it's the same with your dp but his behaviour is not normal. You need to go round sometime when you're not invited and find out what the score is whether it's just that he is really messy or a control freak or something more serious.

dreamingbohemian · 17/06/2011 12:33

That is really, deeply bizarre.

I'd be guessing he has a new illegal hobby than another woman though.
Could he be selling from his house, and wants to make sure you don't bump into any customers?

If he doesn't stop acting this way, though, you need to break up with him. Either he's sleeping around or doing something dodgy, either way you don't need this kind of bollocks.

I'm sorry Sad

perrinelli · 17/06/2011 12:34

YANBU to think it's strange but I wouldn't jump to conclusions - think it's a possibility it's some quirky thing about not wanting you to see his mess/porn/marajuana factory etc. but it would be good to find out more to rule out anything more sinister like another woman. When you were staying with him what was he like about mess, unannouced visitors etc?

LineRunner · 17/06/2011 12:35

Does he stay over at yours, then?

Original poster
LoweredBrows · 17/06/2011 12:36

well he hated anyone coming to the house when I stayed with him but surely it should be different for his girlfriend?

He was also really uptight about mess and would get on at me constantly about it. Thing is though when I first moved in his house was a tip and I suspect his new house is messy when I'm not there. Maybe he feels embarassed about his house now considering he used to constantly have a go at me about being tidy?

OP posts:
Original poster
LoweredBrows · 17/06/2011 12:37

LineRunner, yes he does. Every other weekend usually (but that's because my kids are here the other weekend so that was my doing).

OP posts:
ebbandflow · 17/06/2011 12:38

Very strange, it does sound like there is a possibility of someone turning up at his house at any time. Have you met his family?

Original poster
LoweredBrows · 17/06/2011 12:39

Met his family very briefly but that was when we were living together. I think they're under the impression we broke up when he moved.

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 17/06/2011 12:39

Well it could just be that he's messy and needs tot idy up, or just hates having visitors; but you have also mentioned that he has been dishonest and is "less available" than he used to be, so there could be other things going on here.

sausagesandmarmelade · 17/06/2011 12:40

It's completely strange....

What's he hiding?

I'd definitely be inclined to turn up un-announced one evening....

There has to be open-ness and honesty in relationships..

StealthPolarBear · 17/06/2011 12:41

Could it be that he is going off you? Certainly the "not popping to tesco" thing might indicate that. How are things when you're actually together?

Hammy02 · 17/06/2011 12:41

I'd just pop round unannounced. You've been together for 2 years so nothing wrong with that. Do you have any of your stuff at his house? I would think it extremely odd in a long-term relationship that you wouldn't have a toothbrush and other bits and bobs there?

nenevomito · 17/06/2011 12:42

I'm another vote for him having another girlfriend. If it was about his messy house, then you going back for something you've left there shouldn't be a problem - after all it can't have got so bad you can't see it in a short length of time.

LolaRennt · 17/06/2011 12:43

After two years, I woudl have no issue p[opping round unannouced and expecting to be let in. He hasn't got a kid you dont know about that t stays sometimes? That would explain why if hes out its safe to go home. Baby wouldnt be by themselves.

Rosa · 17/06/2011 12:43

I smell a rat.......not sure what kind but something is going on

WhoAteMySnickers · 17/06/2011 12:45

"he does have a habit of being dishonest".

"he's definately less "available" than he was. Doesn't text me half as much as he used to and doesn't make excuses to see each other anymore".

"Met his family very briefly but that was when we were living together. I think they're under the impression we broke up when he moved".

ITA with StealthPolarBear, he is going off you. Or he has commitment issues. Or he's just downright odd. Or he's seeing another woman.

Don't waste any more of your time on him.

OTheHugeManatee · 17/06/2011 12:45

He's either got

a) a marijuana farm
b) a second girlfriend
c) a pet zombie
d) serious ishoos

In any case, I'd be backing carefully away if I were you.