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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking it's strange not to want me at his house?

295 replies

LoweredBrows · 17/06/2011 12:09

Been with DP 2 years. I moved in with him briefly last year as I had nowhere else to stay (landlord of my house went bankrupt etc) but he moved again and I took over the tenancy of his house. So we do have a lot of history, it's certainly not a new relationship. I helped him move etc and stayed the night at his new house so I know he didn't move in with another woman or anything. Since then though he's been really funny about me going to his house. The only time he's ok with it is if I give him plenty of notice (like a few days notice).
A while ago he invited me around (this is very rare) during the day, he made me lunch etc and I put my shopping in his freezer but I forgot to take it home, not realising until later. I text him saying I'd pop around for my stuff and he was all like "No no, I'll bring it to you". So I told him I was going passed his house anyway so I might as well just pick it up and he made excuse after excuse and in the end insisted that he bring it to me???

Same thing happened again with something else, I said I'd pop in after work and pick it up. He protested, made excuses, acted strange but I pushed it this time because I was starting to wonder what he was up to and in the end he agreed but wanted a specific time in which I'd be there.

He bought me a cake a couple of days ago. Came around to my house but forgot it. I said "No worries, I'm going passed your house tonight on the way to the opticians, I'll pick it up" so he went on with his excuses, trying to get out of it, saying he'd bring it to me, even tried to say he'd drop it in at 5am on his way to work!! I was like "err no, that's just stupid, I'll just pick it up" so reluctantly he agreed but again wanted a specific time and text me an hour before to ask if I was still going and would it be the same time still. I was in a shit mood when he text so I replied saying "actually no, I have to much on tonight, sorry. I'll pick it up tomorow when I leave work". He agreed and seemed relieved. SO I was supposed to be picking it up this afternoon and I've just had a text saying he's leaving work early so will go home, pick up the cake and come back to mine to drop it off!! this is really going out of his way!! why?? I know for a fact he's not married lol, so why the urgency in keeping me away from his house?

OP posts:
perrinelli · 17/06/2011 12:46

I think what you've said about his behaviour in terms of mess and visitors when you stayed with him makes it more likely that it's some OCD quirky thing to do with that, but still worth further exploration/discussion.

ebbandflow · 17/06/2011 12:46

Could he have financial trouble, maybe debt collectors coming around.

porcamiseria · 17/06/2011 12:47

just do a stake out and watch his house

BelleDameSansMerci · 17/06/2011 12:48

You're very restrained, OP... I'd have roped a friend in for some "light surveillance" by now! I am nightmare if I want to know something though.

I assume you have asked him?

akaEmmaFrost · 17/06/2011 12:48

He is either:

Not serious at all about you. When you moved in with him, it sounds like he freaked out and took the desperate measures of moving out himself in case your living there turned into a long term situation.

Or as others have said he is seeing other(s).

How bizarre, but to be honest I think it is a bit weird that YOU haven't had it out with him, I certainly would have done. I mean how close can you be if you can't discuss something like this?

BelleDameSansMerci · 17/06/2011 12:49

manatee are zombies the new labradoodles? Smile

Hammy02 · 17/06/2011 12:49

As you have lived with him previously, I think we can discount tidiness or OCD issues. I'm intrigued.

QueeferSutherland · 17/06/2011 12:50

Sorry, but I don't think he's that into you.

He did break up with you when he moved out. His family would have asked, and he obviously didn't jump to your defence and tell them you are still a couple.

Do you still get on? Do things together?

Do you think the relationship has "legs"?

workedoutforthebest · 17/06/2011 12:51

Perhaps he has a part-time girlfriend who is also in another relationship and is only available on monday, wednesday and saturday........

fuzzpigFriday · 17/06/2011 12:51

Assuming he hasn't overtly said "I don't want you turning up unannounced" you have no reason not to.

Though I do like the stake out idea!

veritythebrave · 17/06/2011 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LineRunner · 17/06/2011 12:52

OP well, if he's staying with you every other weekend, I'm thinking that that makes it likely that IF he's in another relationship he is either lying to them too, or the other person knows about his relationship with you.

I have a male friend who cultivates an insanely complicated life and sounds a bit like this. He thrives on risk and dishonesty and invariably is in two relationships at the same time. He moves house every year or two. At heart he is an attention-seeking little boy but he has caused huge hurt to his paramours. The complexity of his deceptions has been breathtaking at times. He is also confused about his sexuality.

Your bloke on the other hand may just be a bit odd.

You really do need to thrash it out with him.

Original poster
LoweredBrows · 17/06/2011 12:52

I have mentioned it to him, like I've said "what you hiding at your house? you never seem to want me there" and he just passes it off as paranoia and says its just easier for him to come to me.

Like we're due to go and see a band in November. I'm having a babysitter stay over at my house so it would make perfect sense for me to stay at his house for the night (as otherwise I'd have nowhere to sleep at my house!) but he's now going on about travel lodges etc.

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 17/06/2011 12:54

And you are staying with him because.....?

Original poster
LoweredBrows · 17/06/2011 12:56

Everything is fine otherwise, it's just this little niggle that keeps telling me something isn't right. I'd done various stalking checks (his email, even his phone bill) and everything turns up negative but I just can't shake the feeling.

OP posts:
AnyF · 17/06/2011 12:57

You should listen to that "niggle"

Overlook it at your peril

Hammy02 · 17/06/2011 12:58

Have you ever just turned up unannounced? I assume so. Before DP and I lived together I used to love it when he popped round and I wasn't expecting him.

WhoAteMySnickers · 17/06/2011 12:59

I'm chuckling away at the stake out idea. Really?? Grin

Any relationship that involves a stake out or surveillance is going nowhere in my opinion. If that is your first choice or your only option to get to the truth then there isn't much of a relationship to begin with.

SquishyCinnamonSwirls · 17/06/2011 12:59

Gut instinct is there for a reason.
It sounds decidedly dodgy, and I wouldn't just be letting it go if I were you.

LineRunner · 17/06/2011 13:00

OP It's more than just a little niggle for you, though, isn't it? It's more like, has this relationship got any future at all? It just doesn't sound right, to be honest.

akaEmmaFrost · 17/06/2011 13:01

I am utterly intrigued by this thread. OP where do you live, if it is near me I will do a few drive bys for you if you like Grin.

pfbornot · 17/06/2011 13:02

The huge red flag in this is the fact that he is trying to pass his strange behaviour off as YOUR paranoid. You aren't, you are perfectly reasonable. I'd be staking the place out! Park round corner and go on foot if worried about car being seen. Borrow family member's car. Or if you don't think he is Mr Right, save yourself the bother and ditch him.

wannaBe · 17/06/2011 13:03

he has another woman.

You met his family but they're under the impression you broke up after you stopped living together.

I would hazard a guess she doesn't live there but that she spends a lot of time there hence why he can let you round there at certain times iyswim.

I would ring him under the pretence of popping round "now" and if he makes an excuse why not then I would say ok and go round there when you explicitly know he doesn't want you there. It's the only way you're going to find out.

pfbornot · 17/06/2011 13:03

I like akaEmmaFrost's suggestion. You should post his address and any nearby MNers can go spying on him Grin.

FakePlasticTrees · 17/06/2011 13:04

right, back again, I would suggest then you start calling on his landline - see if anyone else picks up or if he's funny about talking to you.

Also, can you pop round when you know he's out, ring the bell to see if anyone else answers, have a look through the windows, if it is a total shit tip and/or there's porn out all over the living room, that might explain his behaviour.

I don't think from what you've said there's another woman living in the house, but then you don't live there so there could be another woman who's around a lot, or as I said, something illegal going on.

How about you suggest meeting up with his family, see what he says - and do it face to face so you can see if he panics.

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