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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have texted the soon to be xH to tell his whore

170 replies

mumof4sons · 14/06/2011 17:04

not to text our sons and demand that they buy their father a fathers day card. How dare she! I can't believe it.

My DS was sitting in a counselling session talking about how he felt about being abandoned by his father and he gets that text. He is in counselling because of his father having an affair and walking out on his family. His father never makes time for DS, because DS doesn't want to meet the whore. DS is 17.

I just want to scream and scratch the bitch's eyes out.

BTW, if the my DSs want to get their father a card I will take them, even though he didn't take them to get me a birthday card or mothers day card - my neighbour did.

OP posts:

allnewtaketwo · 15/06/2011 11:13

"Really? A 14 year old needed a reminder, from you? "

Actually I never fail to be amazed at what DSS needs reminders to do. Flusing the chain after having a s* for one. Making his bed is another. Removing his own bowl from the breakfast table when he has finished eating is another. Actually closing the car door after getting out of it last week was another. I could go on and on

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/06/2011 11:21

Some women are just so bitter - guess she doesn't realise how pathetic this makes her look.

No, I don't feel that any parent owns a child, not at all. I just thought your comment above was really lacking in any kind of empathy. DSS would be involved in father's day because DH is his father, so I don't understand your post really but please don't bother to explain.

allnewtaketwo · 15/06/2011 11:27

Empathy for who? A woman (DSS's mother) who deems control over her children to be more important than their emotional welfare

DSS was upset the year before that he hadn't known it was Fathers Day and therefore hadn't got DH a card (DH didn't give a hoot about the card, nor did I). To help avoid DSS getting upset again, I let him know as he had asked. But because the text was deleted he still didn't know. So then I got the card myself and DSS signed it. No problem (except DSS was confused as to why his mother would delete a text about a card)

TotallyLovely · 15/06/2011 11:35

I haven't read most of the posts OP but get the idea you've had a pasting. It must be really horrible for you and you have all my sympathy. I can completely understand why you are angry, I would be too. There is no reason for OW to be contact your children with reminders. She should fuck off. Have you discussed this with your ex?

oohlaalaa · 15/06/2011 12:24

YANBU

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/06/2011 12:27

allnewtaketwo... I'm sorry, I'm taking the OP's situation and projecting it on you and being really unreasonably unfair. Sorry.

I think it's a shame that DSS's Mum is trying to take control because she can't really stop her son being her ex's son also, and for DSS's sake, she shouldn't try. How come she had access to his mobile? It's a really odd thing to do, delete a text. DSS's Mum obviously doesn't think that ex 'deserves' a father's day card, it's symbollic.

The only thing is DSS is really old enough to sort out a card for himself if he really wants to, he's 14 and I know some kids need reminders but you'd think, since he was upset last year that he'd make a point of remembering this year. Does he remember DH's birthday or do you have to chivvy him for that as well?

I don't have any experience of step children so I really don't know how it would feel, I can only imagine how I think I would feel. It must be tough all around, especially when children are involved and I do think it's important to try to be civil once all the bitterness has faded, but perhaps for some, it takes a long time to fade if it ever does. :(

Bucharest · 15/06/2011 12:28

I find it hard to believe how worked up people get over a day that was invented by card companies for profit purposes.

But anyway, apart from that, the OP lost any chance of my sympathy by referring to her ex'snew partner in that way. She's not actually the "OW" anymore either is she?

It must be hard, you have every right to be angry. But try and maintain your own dignity instead of going batshit every time she's mentioned. You're doing your children no favours with the hysteria.

Miggsie · 15/06/2011 12:31

Well, that's a hell of a Father's day card to write:
"Dad, thanks for everything you've done for me including walking out on my mum and me and my brothers, never talking to me and putting me into the worst emotional turmoil of my life which you don't even acknowledge."

I'd be bloody pissed off as well.
YANBU.

You and your son are also still in the "anger" phase of your marriage split. I hope you get to "acceptance" really soon.

(The stages to grief or change reactions are: denial-anger-bargaining-depression-acceptance as per Elizabeth Kubler Ross model)

constantlywrong · 15/06/2011 12:36

YANBU

Man there are a lot of bitches on here today.

kaluki · 15/06/2011 12:47

Why are you all being so horrible to the OP and sticking up for the OW?
I think she's quite entitled to call the woman a whore after what she has done, and the OW has absolutely no right to text her ds.
I agree that she shouldn't go on like that in front of her dss but this is a good place to let rip!
Fair enough the exH was the one breaking the marriage vows but the OW wasn't innocent either. She should have had more morals and kept her legs closed.

Sapphirefling · 15/06/2011 12:58

Kaluki - I'd hazard a guess that a significant number of those ripping into the OP are or have been the OW - not that many of them would admit it.

MollysChamber · 15/06/2011 13:00

I'm getting that vibe at times too Sapphire.

Not surprised the OP hasn't been back.

MollysChamber · 15/06/2011 13:02

Oh, scratch that, just noticed she posted last night.

Good for you OP.

I think some of the comments on here have been surprisingly harsh.

allnewtaketwo · 15/06/2011 13:03

Thanks lying - no worries, I think we all do that sometimes
Yep birthdays as well. I've just resorted to buying card and present and asking them to physically hand the stuff to DH on the day now. Same for Christmas. DSS has now turned 15 and I do wonder where it will all end. I was a bit/very annoyed lst year on DH's birthday when I'd bought and wrapped the present and reminded DSS about 5 times to bring it down from his bedroom to give to DH. That's just one aspect of the overall problem - basically his life has been micro-managed and controlled for so many years now that he doesn't seem to have any initiative at all

Bucharest · 15/06/2011 13:23

I have never been the OW.

AFAIK my stepmother (with whom I have always had an excellent relationship) was my father's OW for a time before he and my mother split up.

Just to clarify.

Bearinthebigwoohouse · 15/06/2011 13:25

I've mostly organised cards/presents from dsd because her mum hasn't done so, but it's all been done without her mum knowing because I didn't want her to think I was treading on her toes, and because dsd was happy to allow me to help. The relationship with her mum was fragile enough without me making things worse, I trod on eggshells around her for years. There's no way I would have sent a text like this - it's insensitive and inflammatory and I can understand why mumof4 is angry.

ciderandblack · 15/06/2011 13:32

YANBU

This would make me furious too. She has no right to contact your dc about this issue and seems oblivious to the needs of your DS.

Good to hear that you are getting on with your life OP after what must have been a hugely stressful time with four dc to care for. If it makes you feel better, feel free to call the stupid woman whatever you like.

Certain triggers are always going to take you right back to all of the awful feelings of pain you felt on discovery of the affair and your XH leaving. Just because the OP was feeling very angry when she posted it doesn't mean she is in a constant state of boiling rage. If she didn't let it out sometimes (on a forum or to adults elsewhere) her feelings would be more likely to impact her DC. It is healthy to vent. The women 'keeping your dignity' line that is often trotted out on here always irks me. Sometimes we are quite rightly furious and why shouldn't we express it. Why should the OP care what the ow thinks of her?

CrazyChicken · 15/06/2011 13:33

I don't think you are. I think she has a nerve to demand that of your son. Its his choice if he wants to get one.
And as for taking him - well maybe there's no where near? Or transport? I don't see why everyone is focusing on that part?

Allinabinbag · 15/06/2011 13:40

I am not an 'OW' but I am someone who has a good relationship with the OW, once the anger died down. You have to allow for these possibilities, and seething anger and mutterings about 'the whore' don't really do that.

shitmagnet · 15/06/2011 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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