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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have texted the soon to be xH to tell his whore

170 replies

mumof4sons · 14/06/2011 17:04

not to text our sons and demand that they buy their father a fathers day card. How dare she! I can't believe it. Shock

My DS was sitting in a counselling session talking about how he felt about being abandoned by his father and he gets that text. He is in counselling because of his father having an affair and walking out on his family. His father never makes time for DS, because DS doesn't want to meet the whore. DS is 17.

I just want to scream and scratch the bitch's eyes out. Angry

BTW, if the my DSs want to get their father a card I will take them, even though he didn't take them to get me a birthday card or mothers day card - my neighbour did.

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 14/06/2011 18:14

Love, I am so sorry.

Our Dad's DW (you can make up your own word for the W) used to HIDE the father's day cards from our dad, then tell him repeatedly that it was proof that WE didn't love him. We were late teens ourselves. Her DH left HER for an OW too.... so she went through the hurt of it all being taken away from her after 20 years, only to do it to my mum and her 22 year marriage.

He used to call up and ask us to send another card, as the first didn't get to him Sad

For everyone else... 18m is NOTHING after a 20 year marriage. OP can call anyone she likes whatever she likes tbh! Her DS is vulnerable, this woman has no right to remind anyone of anything. The boy is also clearly struggling at the moment due to the split, so it's not like this OW has the intimacy with the boy, who IMHO IS abusing her position tbh. She has not got an automatic right to be a part of her now P's previous life.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/06/2011 18:16

Sorry you're upset, Mumof4Sons, I would be too in your situation.

Although this isn't the same there might be a parallel... when my dad remarried, none of us were bothered as we were all grown up and not close anyway. New wife had been married before but took it on herself to 'try to build bridges' left, right and centre. We had had a peaceful status quo but when she started doing that it really caused friction.

I think you're quite within your rights to tell your Ex to stop this woman from texting you BUT, unless your sons have expressed that they don't want her to contact them, you can't stop her texting them with instructions, even though it hurts like hell because you're their Mum, not her, and it feels like she's trying to take your place... and your boys are the last vestige of your marriage and what was good about it. :(

It won't feel like this for ever, OP, let her have her petty 'victories' and rise about them. Your boys will always be your boys and they'll never be hers. She can rest uneasy that she and your Ex are cheaters and one day one or other of them will do it again. You'll be enjoying your life and they won't even register anymore.

You do not have to take your boys to get a card... if I were in your position, I'd log onto Moonpig and let them order them there. They're pretty impersonal but it ticks the box and I don't imagine you want to get involved in choosing heartfelt verses right now.

This is going to pass, OP, it really will, you can do this... all serene. :)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/06/2011 18:17

Oh duplicate post... grrr Blush

usualsuspect · 14/06/2011 18:23

Does your son mind this woman texting him?

If he does, he needs to tell her to stop ,he doesn't have to play happy families with her if he doesn't want to

DogsBestFriend · 14/06/2011 18:27

YABU to call any woman a whore. I understand your anger about your ex's partner telling your son to buy your ex a Father's Day card when the father isn't much of a dad. I had a similar one - my ex's partner told me that maybe if my children bought their father a FD card he'd make more of an effort for them.

That was a bit rich considering he'd spent the previous 5 years refusing to see my children and that both he and his partner were lying to the CSA, Inland Revenue and various other authorities in order to get out of paying so much as a penny in maintenance.

Please don't think I'm a saint - I told her to go fuck herself and felt soooo much better for it :o

Lizzylou · 14/06/2011 18:27

It sounds like OP is just venting here, not in front of her sons, with good reason.

Your poor eldest boy, Mumof4sons, does his Father not understand the hurt and confusion he is causing him?

Oh and 18mths is nothing with regard to still feeling bitter. My Mom managed 37 years, she wasn't as restrained in front of me either.

Lizzylou · 14/06/2011 18:28

OOps, my Mom only managed 27 years, but we're still counting!

ChinnyReckon · 14/06/2011 18:28

I have no idea why people are being so harsh to you. I have no experience of this but if I was in your situation I'd be very angry and raw too (yes even eighteen months on. Investing 19 years of your life into your marriage can do that to you I imagine).

Your ex and his partner are both fucking disgusting, by the sound of it; your ex is emotionally blackmailing your son to accept the awful woman who he split up your family for, by refusing to meet without her being there. How absolutely disgusting of them both. They deserve each other thoroughly. I wish you lots of luck and healing, OP.

euphrosyne · 14/06/2011 18:28

YANBU

If he said that he does not want to meet her, she has no right texting him at all.

Where did she get his number anyway?

LittleWhiteWolf · 14/06/2011 18:30

I'm sorry for your sons and for you OP. Your ex-husband to be is a twat.

However I am in your sons shoes, albeit as an adult, right now. My dad walked out on us 18 months ago, too, the very week my mum came out of hospital having spent 6 months in there following major surgery. He is a prick of the highest order, however hearing my mum send all her anger at the OW aka the whore (her words) and other hideous things she has said makes me feel awful. The OW suffered with cervical cancer several years back; a fact my mum laughs about. She calls her Cancer Cunt. She does this in front of my almost two year old daughter on ocassion.

But hey, as long as she's venting, right certain posters? Its not doing any harm, eh? Its not poisoning the air my innocent child breathes? Its not stopping my mum from moving on because she is intent on keeping all that hate. Its not degrading her in any way when she forgets any semblance of dignity when she spews this to people she barely knows because she's so angry?

No, thats healthy, right? Hmm

OP, please keep your anger in check in front of your kids, for their sakes and do think about counselling. My mum has finally agreed to try that after being badgered for a year by my sister and I. We may be adults, but we're scarred by all thats happened; not just dad fucking off, but mum losing herself to anger so that sometimes we don't recognise her Sad.

(Apologies for all the waffle)

BitOfFun · 14/06/2011 18:33

I think people are being harsh because they are uncomfortable with the gale of anger from the OP, and the use of really unpleasant words like 'whore' and 'bitch'- I know I reacted that way anyway. That said, it's a bloody rotten situation, especially for the poor lad struggling to come to terms with his dad's crappy behaviour.

Miggsie · 14/06/2011 18:36

Your poor boy, with Aspergers he will find it difficult to accept his dad is not there, and he won't be able to accept a new woman in his dad's life for a long time. And you will be getting his emotional fallout as well as dealing with your own.

Yes, tell this woman not to text as it is clearly upsetting a person going through a lot of emotional distress.

PamBeesly · 14/06/2011 18:36

Hi OP fwiw I'd be fuming too, I also think that being angry about the OW here is fine, this is anonymous and it helps you. Like you said you don't refer to her as a whore around your sons despite what your personal feelings are. Your ex sounds like a right toerag too. I wouldn't want her interfering one way or the other. He walked out on his family I don't know all the circumstances but I don't think he deserves a fathers day card and I think she has some nerve even suggesting it.
I hope you've had some counselling too OP

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/06/2011 18:36

LittleWhiteWolf... But it's different because the OP is talking here, not in front of her sons - your Mum talked in front of you and your daughter? I can see why you're upset but it's not the same. This is an anonymous internet forum, don't assume that OP is behaving in the same way as your Mum, that's not fair.

fedupofnamechanging · 14/06/2011 18:38

OP, in your position I wouldn't encourage my DC to send their dad a card. If they mentioned that they wanted to send one, then I'd take them to the shop, but I wouldn't bring it up myself. Father's day is a 'thank-you' for being a good dad and your H is not a good dad or he wouldn't have shagged some other woman, while married to you, his children's mother!

In your position I'd call the OW some choice names too. Not in front of my DC (and to be fair, you haven't), but on MN and to my friends, I would. An affair is the fault of the person who is married, but it doesn't reflect well on the OW (or man) either.

I also think she is way out of order telling your children to do anything. None of her fucking business whether they send a card. Agree with the poster who said she has no entitlement to any part of your husband's previous life.

I think it's easy for people not in this position to think it wouldn't have happened if the marriage had been happy and to say what you should and should not be feeling/doing by now. In your position I'd think I'd still be incredibly angry. The thing is, you are better off in the long term without a liar and a cheat in your life. If possible, please talk this through with someone who can help you come to terms with it, because the best thing for you would be to become indifferent to your ex and to have a good life without him even registering on the fringes of it.

BitOfFun · 14/06/2011 18:42

I think that's good advice- anger is an exhausting emotion, and while it's totally appropriate for it to flare up at times like the incident that triggered your post, if it is lingering as a constant in the background, it will end up making you ill.

pumpernickel10 · 14/06/2011 18:42

I can't say I know what your going through op but I'd be pissed if my ex new wife/girlfriend was texting me. I'd text back tell her to fuck right off. You need to tell your ex DH to tell her to butt out and not contact you.
As she done this before?
Give the op a break we'd all be pissed off if it was us.

SoupDragon · 14/06/2011 18:43

FFS. Did you all miss this bit "I do not vent my anger in front of my children."

animula · 14/06/2011 18:44

LittleWhiteWolf - I really hope your mother does come back to you. Sad Mine's a bit like that - not divorced but bitter and free with it - and it is surprisingly damaging.

catinthehat2 · 14/06/2011 18:45

not harsh to say definitely keep the venting on line
has to be better to let it out here rather than IRL

might even be that the more on line venting done, the quicker it will get out of OP's system, so she doesn't care about these people any more?

pumpernickel10 · 14/06/2011 18:46

Remember some of us soup are defending the op here.
She would be called more than a whore I can tell you, I wouldn't be so kind!

BitOfFun · 14/06/2011 18:47

That wasn't in the OP though. And the venting is neither here nor there- it is the constant simmering undercurrent of rage which is impossible to ever really cover up. Or at least the effort of trying is unhealthy in the longterm. I still think that it is worth MumOf4sons trying to get past it for her own sake as well as the boys.

PinotGrigiosKittens · 14/06/2011 18:47

Another one standing up in support of you. I also have no problem calling a woman who cheats with another womans husband a whore. And worse. I have zero tolerance for cheaters but thats neither here nor there.

OP you vent here and call her (and him) every name under the sun if it helps you. Scream and punch a cushion if it helps too. Whatever it takes to get over the utter betrayal these two people have caused. Get it out, out, out then try to find the new you. The new strong, honest and trustworth you.

Shame this thread isn't filled with support but hey-ho. Sisterhood, eh? Do you have RL friends to call on too?

PinotGrigiosKittens · 14/06/2011 18:49

Ooh xposted with Soup and Pumpy. We seem in agreement.

Mamaz0n · 14/06/2011 18:52

Quite why people are worrying about the rights and wrongs of affairs is beyond me.

This woman had no right to contact your sons. especially if she has no contact with hem at other times.

You are angry and that is to be understandable. You may not vent it every day but when you are provoked to think about what has happened I can fully appreciate why you would get a sudden surge of anger at both your xh and his new partner.

People are right to say let the anger go. It is so incredibly damaging to YOU to be angry at them.
But mothers are protective. I think most of us would become fiercely protective of our children if they have been upset by someone, especially when that same person has already caused them pain and upset.

Op is asking for support, not derision for her overly emotive choice of words towards a woman who was partly to blame for her life falling apart.

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