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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have texted the soon to be xH to tell his whore

170 replies

mumof4sons · 14/06/2011 17:04

not to text our sons and demand that they buy their father a fathers day card. How dare she! I can't believe it. Shock

My DS was sitting in a counselling session talking about how he felt about being abandoned by his father and he gets that text. He is in counselling because of his father having an affair and walking out on his family. His father never makes time for DS, because DS doesn't want to meet the whore. DS is 17.

I just want to scream and scratch the bitch's eyes out. Angry

BTW, if the my DSs want to get their father a card I will take them, even though he didn't take them to get me a birthday card or mothers day card - my neighbour did.

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 14/06/2011 21:44

I think text her back and cc the ex in. Point out that fathers day cards are earned, not automatic in such a situation and if your boys want to send him a card then it's their choice. Likewise they may choose not to. And point out he did nothing to help them get you a mothers day card.

KangarooCaught · 14/06/2011 22:15

Nothing arouses the protective instincts more as a mother than when someone unkindly hurts their child. They are the innocents in this, and in this case ds1 has AS and is in counselling and is upset by this, he sounds vulnerable and hurt. The meddling OW who has demanded the OP's son send a father's day card is certainly deserving of some online ire.

allnewtaketwo · 14/06/2011 22:18

Dear god, I haven't read the thread yet - but you're talking about your DS needing help and you're referring to his father's partner as a whore? Are you 6 years old Shock

pumpernickel10 · 14/06/2011 22:21

Read the thread all before commenting she's not acting as a 6yr old

allnewtaketwo · 14/06/2011 22:23

I texted 14yo DSS to remind him get DH a Fathers Day card last year. His mother deleted the text Hmm and told DSS that the purpose of him mobile phone was not for social purposes Hmm

Some women are just so bitter - guess she doesn't realise how pathetic this makes her look

Allinabinbag · 14/06/2011 22:23

I would not do what Viva suggests, carry on the arguing and bickering and nastiness even though you are split up. Horrible for the children. She was out of order, but surely the point scoring and nasty texts just have to stop.

I agree that calling her all the names under the sun is reasonable, but surely it does have to stop at some point. I was very angry with my dad when he had an affair and left us after over twenty years and didn't speak to him for nearly two years. But time passes, we have all moved on and I now genuinely like his 'OW' and she is part of my children's lives (as a step-granny). You have to allow that how you feel about him may not be how your children always feel about him or her for that matter.

chickychick · 14/06/2011 22:36

I'm with you KangarooCaught l'm in a similar situation to the poster and l am fine until one of my girls are upset by an action or no action and when that happens he is every name under the sun and so is she l try to refrain in front of the girls but not always easy YANBU

Original poster
mumof4sons · 14/06/2011 22:51

Well I did open a can of worms here?

I will be taking my 11yr DS to get his father a card. He has asked me too. If his brothers want to sign it or get cards of their own, no problem. What I objected to was the OW demanding my AS DS to organise getting a card. I feel it is not her place.

I haven't call XH anything, because I don't know/come across a word strong enough for him. The man broke my heart and shattered my dreams.

With regards to my children I have always been open and honest with them about my marriage breakup. I have answered their questions to the best of my ability, which is more than the XH has. He has never once sat them down and explained his actions. For him it was normal to walk out of my house one Saturday morning and hang his clothes next to his married lovers husbands clothes. Normal to expect to see his DSs the next weekend, introduce OW and play happy families without any regard for their feelings.

The hardest conversation and one I never expected to have was when I asked my darling DSs if I could divorce their father.

So you judge away.

BTW, the dickhead did me a favour. I lost a stone and a half, got my haircut and new clothes, and friends tell me I've never looked better. I have even started dating.

OP posts:
gapants · 14/06/2011 22:54

op you sound amazing, hats off to you, and you really took a but of a pasting on this thread, I don't know why.

WeepinWillow · 14/06/2011 22:57

This is so close to my heart too. Difference being OW is not really OW as she is not the one he left me for (after 25 plus years). Bear her no hard feelings obviously as she met him as a single man.

He has handled everything so badly and I really want to leave the bitterness and anger behind but it is very hard and so easy for people who have never been in that situation to tell you how to react.

I have 2 sisters in happy marriages who tell me basically to get over it or I will damage my children. I never run their father down to them and I am encouraging a meeting with his new partner (neither of my DDs want this yet). My crime now is that because I seem sad my children are affected. I try very hard not to show them that I am devastated and heartbroken and I actually think I cover it so well but to now have extra guilt added because I am causing damage to my own children just makes me feel like crap.

I am a good mother but I am also human. I talk to them openly but they do not know about his serial cheating. I just pray they will be ok. Even my own mum has said to me that they wont thank me in the future if their lifes were blighted by my misery so I keep smiling... Noone is having these conversations with exH and he is not beating himself up about how his DDs are affected by his leaving but that road leds to bitterness so I try not to dwell.

Sorry I know this is not about me OP! Just wanted to let you know that I feel your pain and anger and wish I could give you more productive help but please know you are not alone.

Adversecamber · 14/06/2011 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pipandpet · 14/06/2011 23:15

OP, I can understand how you feel (although for me it was a much shorter marriage and a 4 month old baby that he walked out on).

18 months is nothing and it's no suprise that you're still feeling angry and hurt. I don't have anything more to say apart from that it seems like you're doing a fantastic job in RL of maintaining your dignity and being the bigger person.

Hope this gets easier for you - am sure it will in time.

hr100 · 14/06/2011 23:38

I think you need to listen to Because of You by Kelly Clarkson, she wrote it about her Mother after her divorce from her Father

differentnameforthis · 14/06/2011 23:48

She has every right to text your sons

What & make demands on them? Make demands that they buy their father (who doesn't see them - or the one who was text at least) a card when he can't even be bothered to help them through this traumatic time in their lives?

Sorry, no. I don't think she has that particular right at all. Especially when she is part of the reason he isn't at home any more.

DioneTheDiabolist · 15/06/2011 00:12

Your DS has made it clear that he does not want anything to do with OW, she has no right to text him. YADNBU.

As for DC's needing reminding to buy a card, stuff and nonsense. You can't move for advertisments and articles about Father's Day.Hmm

lemonandhoney · 15/06/2011 00:13

The OW should leave well alone if she knows her input isn't welcome. It is none of her business unless the sons have indicated they want her involved.

To those who say the OP should grow up, try walking a mile in her shoes. I would ask whether any of you know the unspeakable pain of handing your children over every other weekend to a man who has failed in his most fundamental responsibilities and to a woman who was entirely and knowingly complicit in that. It is the worst pain I have ever felt and I cannot promise that I will always continue to behave with the restraint I am currently trying to demonstrate. 18 months is nothing - of course she is still angry and raw. And why shouldn't she vent here?

I have thought far worse about the woman who broke up my marriage whilst pretending to be my friend. I've only once told my ex what I think about her. And the two times I have seen her this past year I have kept my thoughts to myself because whether I like it or not she is part of my children's lives and they have a right to love and respect their father despite what he has done. So I have never and will never tell them what I think of her.

But the effort has nearly tipped me over the edge mentally and I am guilty of failing to forgive and move on. Do I really hope she ends up miserable with the choices she made? Absolutely.

OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable. He's hardly acted like he's father of the year, has he?

takethisonehereforastart · 15/06/2011 00:18

mumof4sons did you send the text and did your (soon to be) XH reply?

FWIW - I think you have every right to feel anger towards both of them and it sounds like you are doing very well at managing that anger in front of your sons.

This woman has no right to make demands of your sons and I think you are right to speak out on their behalf if they object to her getting in touch with them for any reason.

After all, although they are mostly teenagers, none of them are adults, you say the eldest has AS, all of them are coping with a situation that is hard for anyone to come to terms with and no matter how grown up they may appear they still may find it very hard to tell the grown woman who is living with their father that they don't want her to contact them and order them about.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all to contact your XH about this if it has upset your son.

mumblechum1 · 15/06/2011 06:57

Some people take longer to heal than others, I guess.

This thread got me thinking to when I split up with my first husband, we had no kids so it wasn't so complicated. We split in Feb 1990, and tbh I'd moved on by the May by getting together with my now dh and the divorce was all done and dusted by the June.

If you have children and have therefore to keep seeing your ex it makes it a lot harder to just dust yourself off and move on.

Sapphirefling · 15/06/2011 09:48

'To those who say the OP should grow up, try walking a mile in her shoes. I would ask whether any of you know the unspeakable pain of handing your children over every other weekend to a man who has failed in his most fundamental responsibilities and to a woman who was entirely and knowingly complicit in that. It is the worst pain I have ever felt and I cannot promise that I will always continue to behave with the restraint I am currently trying to demonstrate. 18 months is nothing - of course she is still angry and raw. And why shouldn't she vent here?'

Perfectly said Lemon - the pain IS unspeakable and something I wouldn't wish on any other mother. But we deal with it and we do paint the smile on and put one foot in front of the other. But when that woman decides to stick the boot in by getting involved in issues that are NONE of her business, the mask might slip a little and the pain comes to the surface.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/06/2011 10:20

*allnewtaketwo Tue 14-Jun-11 22:23:17
I texted 14yo DSS to remind him get DH a Fathers Day card last year. His mother deleted the text and told DSS that the purpose of him mobile phone was not for social purposes

Some women are just so bitter - guess she doesn't realise how pathetic this makes her look*

Really? A 14 year old needed a reminder, from you? What does it have to do with you? It's a relationship between father and son, nothing whatsoever to do with you. Makes you look a bit desperate to be involved, I think. Hmm

porcamiseria · 15/06/2011 10:29

OP

I have not read thread but I DO NOT blame you for being angry, sweet jesus

I would urge you to try and really love and nurture yourself, cos the hippy love shit DOES work. do yoga, do anger management, exercise, whatever, try and look after your body and soul and remember

WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND

good luck XXXXXXX

and feel to vent and ingore to BAYATCHES ON here who clearly have no empathy and no imagination

anger is not a bads thing you are only human!

ooohyouareawfulbutilikeyou · 15/06/2011 10:31

marriages break up - thats one of the facts of life. Im sure we wouldnt advocate him staying in an unhappy marriage "for the sake of the children" as I have seen countless posters advising women not to.

You just have to move on OP and lose the bitterness, it does no one any good. And however many times you say you are "happy" and getting on fine, your tone and your words belie that.

My BILs mother has held a grudge against her ex for getting on for 40 years now, no one is allowed to mention his name - which makes it very awkward for the sons who want to have a good relationship with their dad. Its none of their business why he left, what was going on in the marriage - it wasnt about them. Their relationship was and is completely separate. Just because the husband decided he didnt want to live with the wife any longer, for whatever reason, he is still their dad

porcamiseria · 15/06/2011 10:35

yes but its only recent! she is not going to be this angry FOREVER is she (I hope not) but fuck me let her vent and get it off her chest

if she came on "sad" she would gets loads of sympathy, but seems to me people cant cope with good ole fashioned RAGE

its normal, its human

essexmumma · 15/06/2011 10:59

I think some people are missing the point here! yes the 'whore' shouldn't be called a 'whore' in front of the kids but Mumof4sons says she doesnt HOWEVER the new girlfriend should never ever be texting this 17 year old telling him what to do!

She has nothing to do with this at all and should not be making such demands to any child especially one who is struggling to deal with his father walking out. Speaking from experience (my father left when I was 17 for another women), my mother didnt speak badly of my father and his new women but I still hated her - still do. As a child their father has abandoned them! 18 months may seem like a long time to some but I can tell you now 12 years down the line I still remember the pain of when he left.

Continue to concentrate of getting your sons settled after this selfish man left them and has no interest (my father still dips in and out) and if your sons want to send cards tell them you will help them if they need it. Just be a support and finally ask you xDH calmly to tell the WHORE to not make demands of his children.

allnewtaketwo · 15/06/2011 11:10

Lying hahahahahahahaha - personally I couldn't care less about a stupid card. But in previous years DSS1 has been upset that he didn't know it was Fathers Day. And I have another child with DH - imagine poor DSS if DS bounded up to DH and gave him a present/card while DSS stood there with nothing. How awkward. Also DH feels bad in case DSS feels hurt that he's not involved.

You clearly feel that parents own a child and that no-one else (even a SP who has known the child for 8 years) has no right to help that child out in any way or make sure they feel involved. Pathetic - yes

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