to have texted the soon to be xH to tell his whore

[mumof4sons]

not to text our sons and demand that they buy their father a fathers day card. How dare she! I can't believe it.

My DS was sitting in a counselling session talking about how he felt about being abandoned by his father and he gets that text. He is in counselling because of his father having an affair and walking out on his family. His father never makes time for DS, because DS doesn't want to meet the whore. DS is 17.

I just want to scream and scratch the bitch's eyes out.

BTW, if the my DSs want to get their father a card I will take them, even though he didn't take them to get me a birthday card or mothers day card - my neighbour did.

utter

think you pretty much said all that, though ...

And hopefully bridges will be built in your son and his father's relationship. Don't make your place as the troll under that bridge. I don't mean this in a nasty way. You are clearly still hurting.

From a child's perspective though, It reminds me of when my mum, when I was younger, handing us over for contact with my dad, who for the first time, was including the OW in contact. My mum came out of our house, and as calmly and with as much dignity as she could muster, said to OW "these are my children. Please treat them with the respect they deserve" before turning on her heels back into the house. ( I have since learnt she spent two hours sobbing afterwards)

I was hit with such a huge amount of respect for her, which in turn made me understand how much she was hurting, bit how she had been so brave for us. That incident also kind of allowed me to give OW a chance ( as it seemed my mother was) and she was lovely to us. Destroying though the situation must have been for my mum we as kids were certainly never aware of conflict between our parents. Upset, yes. But I never heard either parent speak negatively about the other and I can't tell you how much I appreciate that they managed to hide their disdain for each other. They get on ok now btw.

I digress.

Be strong and good luck

I refer all who are questioning OP's use of the term "whore" to the Online Dictionary here Not passing judgement personally on the OW, just pointing out that OP has every reason to use the term if she feels like it from her point of view

Another one who understands and sympathises OP. Do keep venting on here if it helps you to keep your equilibrium in front of your boys.

If your son has made it plain that he doesn't want anything to do with his father's OW then she has no business harassing him via text. He may be 17 but he is still your son and you have every reason to have your hackles raised in protection, particularly as he has Asperger's and is clearly finding this new situation extremely difficult to come to terms with.

God glitter your mum sounds like an amazing woman - that must have taken a colossal amount of strength. OP being in pain is one thing but the level of anger you feel at something so small, and the language etc that you use is really indicative that for your own sake you desperately need to get some help to move on - carrying all the bitterness and hurt with you is giving two people who hurt you terribly far too much of your life. Consider it the best revenge to move on and be happy and try to get some perspective - this isnt going to help you in the long run.

excellent post glitterkitten, i hope i can behave with the dignity your mum did

great post Glitterkitten.

Rant away OP, better on here than in rl.

Although i agree that moving on from the angry place you are in now will be better for you, but its easy to say that to someone else, you are obviously still feeling raw and the text was salt in your wounds.

I think the OW was unreasonable to text your son moreso because of his AS.

I dont know what the answer is, but i can empathise with the OP.

Glitterkitten, that post gave me a lump in my throat!
My Mom was not so restrained, but I did always know that my Mom and Dad loved me and my Brother. I also (even at age 10) understood why my Mom was so hurt. But I sincerely hope that if I was in that situation I would act in your Mother's style and not in mine (sorry Mom!).

I agree with animula's post, it's excellent. I hope against hope that Op was just unleashing and now she feels able to get on and get happy.

Sorry but a lady that takes a married man away knowing he as kids and a wife is nothing more than a tramp to me. I know there are woman that have been duped by married men and them telling them they are single. These men are wankers. I won't put blame on these women as they were lied to.
But women that know are two bit tramps.

it seems odd to me to text someone you have never met. If your son has never even met her what the fuck is she doing texting him in the first place?

The idea that the cunt exH wont see his son unless his new gf is there is outrageous; he must accept these things will take time and he needs to rebuild his relationship with his son before introducing the new gf.

By texting the gf is assuming a relationship which is not there. Which is frankly just bizarre.

A man can not be taken away by a woman! Any woman who knowingly enters into a relationship with a married man is still a bitch IMO but she can't "take" him away.

OP, whilst I think you'd get more balanced advice in relationships, you bloody come on here and rant away!

To all those people who have judged the OP, what should she be doing eh? 'Sucking it up'? 'Keeping a stiff upper lip'? bloody hell. Way to show support. Sometimes, back in Real Life where it's not perfect, people get a wee bit cross about their situation, ok? They want to scream and stamp and shout, but they can't because it isn't appropriate. So where is it appropriate, then? Other people's dramas are all fine, as long as there's no naughty language. Get a grip.

Good on you OP, say what you need to!

YANBU to think that this woman who is NOTHING to your children should get involved in what they give or don't give their father for fathers day. Am not surprised that you are angry. Scream all you like online, then paint your smile on and live your life well while she desperately tries to do the right thing in order to cling on to some bloke who will probably cheat on her as well

I too hope that I'd be able to do as my mum did in that situation, but you can never be sure can you.....

Just read some of the OP's replies. Seems as though she's doing her best. That's all that anyone can give. Therefore that is enough. I hope she has great support around her

I know soup just feel for the op

Just a word of my experience.

DH and his ExW both met other partners within 3 months of splitting -and have been with them for 10yrs -, however initially seeing their parents move on so quickly was very traumatic for the children obviously.

DH ExW and I have never really been best pals but I do have respect for her. At the time I got with him I was v young (11 yrs younger than her) and very inexperienced with children but she was very dignified and friendly with me. She even said to them that she was sure I loved them and as far as I know she has encouraged them to be nice to me and certainly lay no blame at my feet.

It really helped our relationship that they were not caught up in bitterness or anger. Although DH ExW was moving on and in a happy relationship herself. I think you should try to help matters and be more positive about the situation. You have the upper hand morally after all. I would be super nice and through gritted teeth if need be thank her for reminding them - that will throw her and she may realise you are not an ogre after all! Keep the dignity in the situation.

@ glitterkitten.

and for you too, Mumof4sons. Wishing you a better day tomorrow.

I know this is just a side issue, but I notice that your ex is just your ex while the OW is a whore.

Your ex is the one who betrayed you, it was him who swore to love you and to foresake all others.

Call him the names he deserves! Might make you feel better if you unleash the rage where it truly deserves to be unleashed. HE promised to be faithful to you, she didn't. HE lied to your face, she didn't. HE lay in your bed, looked you in the eye, while knowing he was betraying you, she didn't.

I don't mean call him to his face, that won't be helpful! I don't mean tell your children, that won't be helpful. I just mean safely get it all out in some way. He is the Prince of Bastards. HE is the whore. Maybe you need to do that in order to be able to move on.

But as far as the children are concerned, hard as it is (and no matter how impressed I am by how reasonable and grown up everyone else is, I hold my hand up that I'd be locking myself in my room at night and indulging in some serious voodoo and shit if my husband crapped on me from a such great height, so I understand your anger. He made a fool of you. He betrayed you. It is very hard) you have got to seperate 'bastard husband whore' from 'father'. and do nothing that could harm your children.

Mind you, it sounds like he doesn't need any help in that department if he is refusing to see his children unless she can come along. they're his children. He should want to see them, regardless. She shouldn't be a consideration.

You have got to find a way to let go of your anger if you ever want to be happy. He betrayed you. He's not worth you destroying yourself with bitterness.

Awww OP, how horrid for you. I hope you are getting counselling as you are clearly hurting and this sort of hurt is destructive for everyone, especially you.

mumof4sons

Both my nephews are Aspergers and in their teens and just like your son, they are very black and white about morals. They also thrive on routine and repeated situations. I know when things change for them- new schools, new friends, someone moves away on their street,- they both find it immensely difficult to adjust to that in a quick or "reasonable" way. I am so glad you said that he is getting counselling.

Maybe it is worth a call to the charity Gingerbread and get some advice for them. They deal with single parent families. I think you would find their advice supportive.

By all means vent on here, really who can blame you? I would be furious and devastated if it were me. But as glitterkitten has said, the value and importance of building a civil relationship with your Ex and his new partner is huge.

OP - sorry, it all sounds very difficult.

Your only mistake has been to post in AIBU rather than Realtionships!

I hope things improve.

So LeQueen, how would you handle it? My Mother was very frank with me from an early age, but I was a v precocious 10yr old so I knew divorce was on the cards for ages before it happened. I have had friends whose parents have divorced where the injured party and the new relationship had a sherry together on Christmas morning in a lovely display of togetherness whilst the bitterness seethed visibly.

This is not a situation that the OP made, and it seems that she is making the best of what she has.

YANBU to tell this woman not to text your sons. I can understand why she might want to build a relationship with your children but that should be done with your full involvement and consent. Distasteful as it may be, she is your exH's partner. However she is clearly going about it completely the wrong way if that is her intention. I can understand why you are so angry. This isn't RL, it's somewhere you can safely have a rant and say what you damn well please.

With that in mind, YABU to generalise all women in this situation as whores and so are similar posters. You can't know everyone's situation and my experience is that things aren't always as straightforward as that.

Glitterkitten

I don't know how your mum found the strength. If that was me I'm not sure I could do that. That's brought tears to me eyes.