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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about DPs porn habit?

301 replies

Flojo1979 · 13/06/2011 09:23

Ok, too much info for a monday morning. I dont get the whole porn thing, i hate it. I think its my DP getting off on another woman etc etc. Told him this a few months ago, b4 he moved in and expected him to respectfully refrain from such things. Since then hes moved in and well to put it blunt, got it on tap so has no reason to watch ever again, right?
So last night i said lets go for an early night (nudge nudge wink wink) and he said no I'll stop up for a bit u go up etc, fair enough, a guys allowed to say no ta too and off i toddled to bed. I heard his laptop boot up and when he went to work this morning in my usual suspicious ways, i checked his history, and he was on porn last night, when i was in bed!
Angry, furious, annoyed, upset, betrayed and oh feeling like he prefers that to me, and i must be rubbish!

OP posts:
HerBeX · 13/06/2011 22:21

Maybe she's got earplugs to free up her hands.

I don't buy all this shit about child workers in factories either, so I'm off to Primark.

And I don't buy all this shit about blood diamonds, so am off to bling myself up.

Ii

HellAtWork · 13/06/2011 22:21

CheerfulYank We'll have no lady love here. Before you know it Hully will be round and we'll be singing songs with linked arms covered in fucking fairy dust. Grin

CheerfulYank · 13/06/2011 22:22
SybilBeddows · 13/06/2011 22:26
Prolesworth · 13/06/2011 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

carmenelectra · 13/06/2011 22:42

Er herbex, I haven't done any research. I'm not writing an essay on porn. Just giving my opinion on OP's predicament.

Hate the way these threads always go political.

My Dp and I occasionally watch porn. Admittedly, we don't delve into the deeper issues surrounding it.

This thread is supposedly about whether OP should do something about her dp watching porn instead of shagging her.

Basically I think he sounds like a problem.

HellAtWork · 13/06/2011 22:47

What is political about this thread? Am I missing something?

Eurostar · 13/06/2011 22:54

OP - if you ever come back - it's not that you are rubbish. He's insecure about his performance and/or lazy and selfish by the sounds of things.

As for documentaries, I remember one about a girl, I think she was Asian origin living in the states whose "speciality" was being "gang banged" (sorry, horrible phrase). Each film she would take more men. She's pretty famous in the porn world I think. Predictably, it turned out that she had been a victim of a gang rape by multiple men and had turned this around to empower herself. On one level, yes it makes sense to say, yeah, what you did means nothing, sex means nothing and I can choose to do far more alone. However, surely what she was doing was far, far more damaging in the long rung. God only knows what sort of physical pain she must have put herself through before one even gets to the emotional pain. The film makers, the men who joined in the films (for free incidentally, so they could take part in the "record breaking") just seemed to be happy to use this person.

Intothevoid · 13/06/2011 22:56

Can we sort this out quickly as I'm not sure whether it's ok to go delving into the internet porn abyss or play it safe and get the Littlewoods catalogue out at the underwear section.

AnyFucker · 13/06/2011 23:02

void ?

a black, black hole, most definitely

Mumcentreplus · 13/06/2011 23:07

..Littlewoods is a dirty word

Lets look at the facts..OP did her come hither moves (he may or may not have noticed) he chose to stay at the screen and watch strangers getting it on...no matter how you put it it's not good...yes he may have wanted to wank but imo he should have the courtesy to do so not at his partners expense..

BertieBotts · 13/06/2011 23:11

"I have happily given handjobs/oral with no return because it turned me on to see my DP getting turned on. It would not turn me on to have to give handjobs/oral with no return as some kind of 'pay-off' for not watching porn."

How did you get into my brain? Grin

cleverything · 13/06/2011 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HellAtWork · 13/06/2011 23:18

Eurostar That was Annabel Chong. It was originally aimed at 300 men for the gangbang but only 70 turned up so they all had to repeat turns until they reached the grand figure of 251.

Interestingly (and revoltingly) the wikipedia entry states:

"Chong originally advertised for 300 men, but only about 70 [2] turned up. The men went in cycles until the number of sex acts reached 251. There was criticism from the rest of the industry on the spectacle, including the safety aspect, the documentary on the ordeal 'Sex: The Annabel Chong Story' hints that many of the men participating were not tested for STDs as Annabel was told and many did not use protection."

So if she had consented to only protected sex with those particular men and was denied it and/or had given consent in the belief they had been tested for STDs and they hadn't - that's not much 'consent' really?

If someone said I'll pay you £500 for a boxing match - you don't have to fight back but you just have to stay in the ring for 30 minutes and we're going to give you a full body suit so you're padded out like the michelin man and you won't get hurt - and then when I got into the ring and they said "Oops no sorry forget the suit" after the bell had been rung - and I got beaten to a pulp - I don't think that's consent even if I got the £500. The lies would vitiate the consent.

Original poster
Flojo1979 · 14/06/2011 00:27

Blimey, Its taken me over an hr just to catch up.
And now feel ashamed at being so self indulgent and mithering over porn use on a personal level and giving no thought to the exploited women.
I have taken a copy of the link and have so far avoided DP, and now i'm the one on the internet while hes sleeping to catch up on this thread!!
I'm considering saying nothing and casually suggesting we watch an 'interesting documentary on porn' which will probably spark his interest at the possibility of seeing some porn in the documentary and showing him the Hardcore one in the hope that it will make him see the truth about porn,
As for the preferring a wank instead of sex, i'm not sure how to approach that, maybe it was entirely innocent, maybe he did start watching telly got bored n did it, maybe he was feeling lazy and as he knew i wanted it, thought he couldnt get away with me sorting him out only. Who knows, maybe i should just vaguely ask if hes happy with everything.

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 14/06/2011 00:36

Maybe you should say..Oy mister!! ...'I wanted you to a ravish me/or vice versa last night and you didn't take the hint whats going on?' Grin

HellAtWork · 14/06/2011 00:51

Sorry OP Blush I fear I wrote quite a lot. I think your idea is a good one. At the very least it will open up a discussion between you and DP. Be prepared though for how horrible the documentary is.

One of the much earlier posters suggested you may have posted about other aspects of your DP's selfishness? If so (and you should really be in your honeymoon period if he has only recently moved in) I think you need to review his behaviour as a whole. Only ask him if he is happy with everything, if you are happy with everything, because, if he says yep, I'm happy, what do you say to that?

Mumcentreplus · 14/06/2011 00:58

I thinking asking that question is way too ambiguous..so easy to 'say yeah, I'm happy'..maybe you have to live in hope he will ask you the same question...if you can take control of your situation do so..tell him how you feel..how much you love him and how much his behavior is driving you nuts...

M0naLisa · 14/06/2011 10:26

Malifence
When did I say if I refuse to watch porn with my DH he will cheat? I didn't I said
I'd never ban him from watching porn.

Meaning - I'm not one of these women who bans their DH from watching porn but doesn't have sex with him then kicks off when hge finds someone else. Marriage about trust, ime and dh have had our problems but I'd still never ban him from pron.

AnyFucker · 14/06/2011 11:05

I don't ban my DH from anything

I leave it to his own conscience

Thankfully, he has one

Malificence · 14/06/2011 11:53

Erm, Monalisa , I think you're kicking off at the wrong person there, my only comment to you was about your ridiculous statement that all men wank (to porn it seems) .

jenny60 · 14/06/2011 12:12

carmen: this says it all:

'My Dp and I occasionally watch porn. Admittedly, we don't delve into the deeper issues surrounding it'.

You really don't, do you? In that case, stop saying that you 'don't buy' this women in porn are exploited 'shit'. Be honest and say, I refuse to believe it, though I have no evidence, but I don't want it to be true, so I'll deny it. You cannot have an intellecutal or even an intelligent argument based on the idea that you refuse to believe something despite having no evidence in support of an alternative view.

Hell: I love you too.

PigletJohn · 14/06/2011 12:15

just to check, how horrifying is it to know that some non-single women use buzzy toys on their own?

a) equally horrifying
b) equally not at all horrifying
c) completely different because they're women

PrinceHumperdink · 14/06/2011 12:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HellAtWork · 14/06/2011 12:28

Piglet Have you read the whole thread? No one is against masturbation. Some posters have said their DPs do not masturbate because they don't want to. Other posters have said that's naive, DPs must be lying, all men wank. No one on this post (and if I'm wrong someone will no doubt correct me!) has said DPs should not be 'allowed' to wank or masturbation is wrong and evil or any hairy palm nonsense.

I will repeat : WANKING IS NOT THE ISSUE HERE Donny Piglet.

So your touche riposte in the form of aha, you silly women bet you've all got vibrators and use them to wank yourself stupid would only be relevant if:

a) the buzzy toy was being wielded by someone other than the wankee (?) who was being abused/trafficked/exploited
b) the woman using the vibrator was watching porn while masturbating, porn which she could not be sure the people in it were not being abused/trafficked/exploited and did not care that was the case even if they were