To be upset about DPs porn habit?

[Flojo1979]

Ok, too much info for a monday morning. I dont get the whole porn thing, i hate it. I think its my DP getting off on another woman etc etc. Told him this a few months ago, b4 he moved in and expected him to respectfully refrain from such things. Since then hes moved in and well to put it blunt, got it on tap so has no reason to watch ever again, right?
So last night i said lets go for an early night (nudge nudge wink wink) and he said no I'll stop up for a bit u go up etc, fair enough, a guys allowed to say no ta too and off i toddled to bed. I heard his laptop boot up and when he went to work this morning in my usual suspicious ways, i checked his history, and he was on porn last night, when i was in bed!
Angry, furious, annoyed, upset, betrayed and oh feeling like he prefers that to me, and i must be rubbish!

are you seriously telling me that this is a thread about the ethics of porn, and not a thread about one partner being in the mood for sex with their partner, and the other partner masturbating instead?

Piglet I have already answered the first question you asked. Would you like to answer a question for me before your next question? Y'know, like sharing, taking turns, that kind of nice, considerate type stuff.

Have you read the whole thread?

I've read FloJo's carefully.

Yours are IMO about something different so it seems to you that you are writing about something different that you have strong feelings about, rather than about the toipic she started.

I have no idea who Donny is.

No John, it's about a man who is either too stupid or lazy to read the signs from his partner, sitting downstairs wanking to porn that he knows full well she has a huge problem with and that he presumably told her he wouldn't do it any more before they moved in together.
Op doesn't seem that hot on good communication skills either, it has to be said.

Piglet So why come on the thread and ask a question of all the posters on the thread? Why not just reply directly to the OP if that's all you are interested in reading?

Or are you going to start defining what posters can and can't post about on a thread too. Ironic, that the "It's oooonly porn!" brigade, who no doubt would want to start banging on about freedom of speech at some point, want to tell people what they can and can't discuss on a thread.

The OP has had a read and is digesting. It turned to the ethics of porn when posters were essentially telling the OP her feelings weren't valid and she should expect to be lied to by men about porn. I don't hold such a low opinion of men. I like to think the majority of men, porn users or not, would prefer to be in an honest relationship but perhaps you think I'm wrong?

I wonder if Flojo would like to come back and tell us what she thinks it's about?

Er...she did.

Threads like these always turn into accusations of women being the "wank police", more's the pity - that's why it strayed from the Op's situation.

Back to OP - unless she's really crap at giving out the signals (and she'd have to be crap - most men are live bloodhounds and can sniff the chance of sex at 50m) her partner has some porn dependency issues that he needs to work out.

You might be right, we don't know.

But a very common topic is on the lines of "my DP wanted to have sex with me, I didn't feel like it, now he's acting hurt and resentful"

which gets an entirely different approach, based around "he has no right to demand or expect sex and no right to be disappointed when he's turned down"

Luckily men are insensitive and no-one has to feel sorry for them if they're blamed when they don't feel like sex, and also blamed when they do.

@ ^

PigletJohn - 'which gets an entirely different approach, based around "he has no right to demand or expect sex and no right to be disappointed when he's turned down"'; hmmm no, that's not usually the response that I see. When people post on here saying that their partner wants sex and they don't, they're often told to try to put themselves in their partner's shoes, and see what constructive action they can take. Lots of posters on here are very sympathetic to anyone, man or woman, who's feeling sexually frustrated within a relationship.

Can't believe its gone from watching porn to sexual exploitation to dps wanking or not. The joys of minute

Piglet Aw. The menz haf such a ruff ruff deal don't they? Running around, ruling the world, keeping all the money, getting to have harems (only when they have the opportunity though hey? Not all the menz are so lucky. Maybe that's why you so blue )

Are you going to respond to the OP with your opinion? After all you have only read the OP's posts on this thread and it is her you are concerned about. Don't trouble yourself with me or the wider debate which you have already told us we shouldn't be having. It appears you already know what I am going to say.

IMO there are several very common points which can be addressed without being sexist

Q1) sometimes I want sex and my partner doesn't. Is this normal?
A1) Yes, it happens to lots of people, men and women, women and men.

Q2) Sometimes my parter masturbates without me. Is this my fault or theirs?
A2) No, it happens to lots of people, m&w, w&m

Q3) Sometrimes my partner masturbates using an aid which makes me feel inadequate. Is this my fault or theirs?
A3) No, it happens to lots of people, m&w, w&m

Q4) If I post on MN, should expect a female-oriented reply?
A4) Yes, of course.

Piglet We were discussing dishonesty about porn in a relationship and the ethics of using porn.

I think this thread is on it's last legs anyway. Someone waved a love baton and there was fairy dust and glitter anyway. Have you come to give someone a lift home from the party? You're a bit late. I'll sit and have a drink with you while you're waiting . Have a biscuit with that

Sooooo.........you want to define 'porn' and a 'vibrator' as the use of masturbatory 'aids'. One of them involves using living breathing human beings. Can you guess which one?

Don't trouble yourself with me

I doubt floJo will be back after reading all this shite :)

Dad Do you know that the amateur couples were both consenting to being filmed and have consented to it being on the internet? Do you know that an ex-gf or ex-bf didn't happily consent at the time 'for fun' and is now being spitefully being blackmailed/humiliated by the ex by them putting it up there.

no i dont, but once i saw some indain homemade porn, the only instance where the woman was clearly not interested and her husband was making her do it for his own exhibisionist compulsions , well, i quickly clicked it away, not because i was outraged , allthough i was afterwards , the poor woman clearly diddnt want to be there , but because it simply diddnt turn me on like a willing woman making porn does.

go look at some HAW these women and men are not porn stars there simply people who get off on making this stuff and enjoy the exhibisionist side . i really cant belive there all such good actresses that all the smiles and out-takes are all staged , and actually the're exploited wife who would rather not be there . i have no evedence for this , but neither do you top the contrary .
btw, how do you make the bold type?

dad, to type in bold put an asterisk either side of what you want to say

like this but without the gaps

without the gaps

see ?

< ever helpful >

thanx

thanx

2 things

Piglet: lots of women don't object to men using porn because it makes them feel inadequate (they are perfectly aware that it's the man in that situation who is inadequate) but because they have a political, ethical and moral objection to it.

I'm sure I've already said that on this thread.

Dad - why are you saying your evidence is as strong as Hellatwork's? It's not, it's just assertion, while she has linked to solid evidence and recommended properly researched literature on this subject.

Why do some of you think: "I don't believe it" or "I don't buy it" or "that's my opinion anyway" is as strong an argument as: "here is the evidence; and here; and here; and here". Can't you see that the latter is a stronger argument?

Dad I see AF has already helpfully advised on the bolding! There's even cups of and if you look at the emoticon list!

Anyway, to answer your questions:

1. Go and look at some - I have looked at a fair bit of porn Dad I have already stated that on the thread. Did you read that? I'll find the time of my post so I can signpost for you.

1. With regard to your 'accidental' viewing of a rape as porn. This is just the kind of thing I don't want to see hence why I won't be taking your exhortation to "go and look at some"

"the only instance where the woman was clearly not interested and her husband was making her do it for his own exhibisionist compulsions"

There's a lot to be said about this sentence.

Dad You do know that when one person does not want to have sex and the other person forces them to, even when they are "clearly not interested" that is rape, right? You have said yourself "her husband was making her do it". You seem to have disassociated the act of filming the rape/watching it on film from the actual rape that took place. That is one of the effects of porn, even when you are watching someone being raped (for your wanking pleasure) who is clearly not consenting (an absence of No is not consent, women are not by default, just by living or breathing, consenting) you just cannot admit what is happening before your eyes.

For me, if the risk of viewing porn is that I am actually going to see people (and let's be honest here, mostly women) being raped, even if I try and justify it to myself as "the only instance", I have bought into something pretty dark and insidious haven't I? I have told myself, well, occasionally, while wanking to porn, I might 'accidentally' view some rape. I can prevent that 'accident' by not viewing porn, so that's what I do now. You could do the same? Upthread you were telling us visually unstimulatable women (science has proved otherwise but let's ignore that for now) could be reading some nice erotic literature. How about doing that yourself? No one needs to be raped for erotic fiction to be produced do they?

How do you know he was her husband btw? What difference does that make?

However, having just seen someone being raped for your wanking pleasure, you quickly clicked away, but:

"not because i was outraged , allthough i was afterwards "

but because it killed your buzz. It put you off your stride. You didn't feel quite so wanktastic as you did before.

"because it simply diddnt turn me on like a willing woman making porn does."

Would you do me a favour? Would you watch that documentary AnyFucker linked to and come back and discuss it? That is evidence to the contrary. If you really want to discuss/debate (and you seem to want to because you are still here which is a good thing). Or how about reading Gail Dines: Pornland. That is evidence to the contrary. A whole book of evidence to the contrary.

So yes, actually I do have evidence to the contrary. It's what stopped me watching porn and that feeling you had when you watched that Indian woman being raped, that deflated, limp, former raging hardon, that's what porn represents to me. One big sexual turn off. If you want to get off on people's misery, at least be honest about it, and even if you can't be honest on it anonymously on an internet forum, be honest to yourself.

Here is a genuine question: what proportion of people (and of men?) do you reckon look at porn?

Because if we are to dismiss anyone who looks at porn as misogynistic purveyors of sex trafficking, then I reckon we condemn a LARGE proportion of the population