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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about DPs porn habit?

301 replies

Flojo1979 · 13/06/2011 09:23

Ok, too much info for a monday morning. I dont get the whole porn thing, i hate it. I think its my DP getting off on another woman etc etc. Told him this a few months ago, b4 he moved in and expected him to respectfully refrain from such things. Since then hes moved in and well to put it blunt, got it on tap so has no reason to watch ever again, right?
So last night i said lets go for an early night (nudge nudge wink wink) and he said no I'll stop up for a bit u go up etc, fair enough, a guys allowed to say no ta too and off i toddled to bed. I heard his laptop boot up and when he went to work this morning in my usual suspicious ways, i checked his history, and he was on porn last night, when i was in bed!
Angry, furious, annoyed, upset, betrayed and oh feeling like he prefers that to me, and i must be rubbish!

OP posts:
AyeRobot · 13/06/2011 20:59

Loving HellAtWork's work. Kill that buzz and then there is no need for any talk of the banning of porn. Set up that little voice saying "Do you really know that she is not being forced to do this? Do you really know whether she is enjoying it?" to start whispering whilst they are thwapping away.

OP, I hope you have found some strength in that others feel the same way as you do about porn and maybe found some words you can use to vocalise some of the reasons. Whatever anyone's views on porn, the fact that he is using it instead of having sex with you is a major line-crosser for you (and most of us, I think) and I hope you can find your way to convey that to him. He will either get it, or he won't. If he won't, then the ball is in your court and you know you have lots of people here who will help you at that point.

HellAtWork · 13/06/2011 21:11

eurochick Just because something is doesn't mean it ought to be though does it? There's no logical sequitur there?

If I apply your reasoning to something else: I don't know, say, every teenager has shoplifted at least once, and about half of them have shoplifted twice.

Do we then understand that teenagers should shoplift?

HerBeX · 13/06/2011 21:12

I don't think there has been any condemnation of porn users as such. Just condemnation of the porn industry and a shot of reality about what it means.

Largely due to HellatWork's brilliant light-shedding on the subject.

HellAtWork · 13/06/2011 21:17

Or even that there is nothing that can be done to prevent teenagers shoplifting?

And you think the OP is being dishonest/snooping in checking the laptop history? But have nothing to say on the subject of the OP's DP agreeing to move in having discussed with her that she did not like the use of porn in a relationship and then lied to her?

After all, I suppose he said to her "No thanks dear, no sex for me tonight, I'm feeling too selfish and lazy and would prefer a wank to some porn" because he is so honest. Because if he'd been honest, she wouldn't be checking laptops and fretting over whether to speak to him, they would have had that discussion and this thread would not be here!

carmenelectra · 13/06/2011 21:25

HELLATWORK, think you misunderstood me when - said I thought the OP was naïve in expecting her DP to change his habit once they lived together. Didn't mean thtat I thought she should tolerate it!

I do think its naïve and foolish to think some men will stop doing certain things when they claim to love someone. These men are tossers. If I had a boyfriend who was heavily into porn, my radar would go off as to whether he has issues with sex in a relationship and I wouldn't be comitting because I wouldn't belive he would stop.

Joint porn use would be fine by the way. Secrets and false promises, wouldn't.

spookshowangel · 13/06/2011 21:30

the term flogging a dead horse springs to mind.

AnyFucker · 13/06/2011 21:33

very profound, spooks Hmm

Kiwimumm · 13/06/2011 21:38

I have a male married friend, he does this occasionally, and his dw literally has NO idea and would be MORTIFIED!!! He loves her to bit tho, but that is his kinda secret release.
Personally being a wife, I would be pretty shocked and angry. YANBU to feel upset

Intothevoid · 13/06/2011 21:41

it's a shame you feel that way OP. The chances are your man stayed up to watch the cricket, got bored and decided to crack one off before he went to bed and would be horrified if he knew how you felt.

Doesn't make it right but it shouldn't make you feel so bad.

Send him a text tomorrow lunchtime telling him that you're looking forward to him coming on along with a subtle flirty comment and I reckon you'll soon see a difference.

HerBeX · 13/06/2011 21:42

Hmmm ... into the void indeed. Hmm

carmenelectra · 13/06/2011 21:46

Agree with monalisa's posts on her relationship with dh and porn. I'd be happy for mine watch without me or equally happy to be involved. He isn't into weird stuff and wouldn't knowingly watch womenwho were being exploited.

Its a small part of our sex life really.

Any unhealthy interest in porn, rejection of me would be addressed quick sharp by me.

HellAtWork · 13/06/2011 21:49

I understood that you were blaming the OP for believing her DP (by being naive) meant it when he accepted she did not want porn in the relationship. It's been a running theme throughout the thread.

So are you saying you don't blame the OP for believing her DP? I'm not sure she said she was aware he was heavily into porn anywhere but please correct me if she did.

AnyFucker · 13/06/2011 21:50

wouldn't knowingly watch women being exploited

how does he know ?

FabbyChic · 13/06/2011 21:51

I've no problem with porn at all, and have even watched it, read it and bought it myself.

However, I'd have a problem with a man who would rather watch porn than come to bed and shag me.

Which is what your partner done, however, maybe he was too tired for the actual act itself and only wanted a wank? Would you have been happy to just wank him off and get nothing in return if so then you should tell him if he is tired you will still please him.

Porn is no threat to your relationship when someone watches/uses it in moderation.

AnyFucker · 13/06/2011 21:51

fecked up the italics there, but am sure you catch my drift, carmen

eurochick · 13/06/2011 21:57

The OP's feeling that she needed to check up on his websurfing does indicate a disturbing lack of trust in my eyes. Also I think most men would give a "yes dear" response to being told that they were expected not to look at porn after moving in with someone. And then do exactly what they liked. Why should the OP get to dictate what he looks at online anyway? If my OH tried to tell me what I could and couldn't look at on the internet, he would get told to get bent.

HellAtWork · 13/06/2011 21:57

carmen "wouldn't knowingly watch women who were being exploited"

At what point does wilful ignorance and deliberate obtuseness become 'knowingly' though?

I think you have to be a bit more honest with yourself. When people are saying they wouldn't knowingly watch someone being abused/raped/exploited/trafficked and then read a thread like this (with links to documentaries and all) and make no effort to get to know if they are watching someone being abused/raped/exploited/trafficked or even the likelihood of that being the case, then what is really meant is "I do not care if I am watching someone being abused/raped/exploited/trafficked. My right to wank over their misery trumps their right not to be violated and have their soul fucked away. And I am not going to make any further enquiry because I might discover that not to be the case."

Because at some point unknowingness becomes denial.

HerBeX · 13/06/2011 21:59

But the OP's lack of trust has been vindicated, no?

Sometimes, people don't trust someone else because they shouldn't...

HellAtWork · 13/06/2011 22:03

Eurochick The OP doesn't get to decide whether her DP gets to watch porn. The OP gets to decide whether she wants to be in a relationship with someone who wants to watch porn in preference to having sex with her. She can't make that decision if she is being lied to. Her DP gets to decide if he can be in a relationship where porn won't be tolerated.

What he shouldn't get to do is lie to her and take that choice away from her, and keeping all the choices for himself.

Although in FabbyChic's world her DP would get to use porn and if she didn't agree to him using it, he would get to use this to ensure the OP services his sexual wants at the expense of her own.

I have happily given handjobs/oral with no return because it turned me on to see my DP getting turned on. It would not turn me on to have to give handjobs/oral with no return as some kind of 'pay-off' for not watching porn.

carmenelectra · 13/06/2011 22:08

Hellatwork, no I don't she did say he was heavily into porn I don't think? She did hope that he would stop watching porn-(I've lost the plot now). I do think if a man watches it and then tells a partner he will stop, then I would e inclined to not believe him. Like he would suddenly stop enjoying it? Yeah right.
AF, as for 'knowingly being exploited'. Well fair point, we wouldn't know. I guess neither of us see porn from a political point of view. Maybe we are shallow.
I just don't buy into all this women in the porn industry/prostitutes are all exploited shit.

carmenelectra · 13/06/2011 22:08

Hellatwork, no I don't she did say he was heavily into porn I don't think? She did hope that he would stop watching porn-(I've lost the plot now). I do think if a man watches it and then tells a partner he will stop, then I would e inclined to not believe him. Like he would suddenly stop enjoying it? Yeah right.
AF, as for 'knowingly being exploited'. Well fair point, we wouldn't know. I guess neither of us see porn from a political point of view. Maybe we are shallow.
I just don't buy into all this women in the porn industry/prostitutes are all exploited shit.

HerBeX · 13/06/2011 22:11

What research have you done to prove the opposite carmenelectra?

You don't believe it, or you don't want to believe it?

By all means show us the evidence. Hellatwork has provided links to back up her assertions, what evidence do you have to back up your denial belief?

CheerfulYank · 13/06/2011 22:18

HellAtWork , I think I'm in love. :)

AnyFucker · 13/06/2011 22:18

I just don't buy into all this women in the porn industry/prostitutes are all exploited shit.

convenient for you

HellAtWork · 13/06/2011 22:19

Carmen Since when did deciding whether or not to take pleasure from someone else's misery become a political point of view. Basic humanity?

Ah so you blamed the OP for being naive, because you would have had alarm bells ringing if any DP of yours had been a heavily into porn. And now you are not aware if she did know he was heavily into porn. But she's still naive right?

Not buying into "all this women in the porn industry/prostitutes are all exploited shit" doesn't mean it doesn't exist. It just means you are sticking your fingers in your ears, shutting your eyes and saying "La la la we want to wank to porn la la la." Must make wanking to porn pretty tricky.