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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel utterly betrayed and let down by my family

232 replies

letdownagain · 12/06/2011 19:55

My DS has been going through a really bad time. He's suffering from severe depression and has been having a really hard time. My family have never really helped him in any way.

Recently he met a woman online. He asked my sister to put them up whilst they were in the London (the first time he and this woman would have met- he was looking forward to it). It was hard for him to ask my sister as he doesn't see her or her kids often (maybe once a year). My sister is younger than me with young children and she made up some exuse not to have them stay with her.

Unfortunetly that relationship with the woman he met online didn't work out. They didn't meet in the end because she dumped him for someone else she'd met on line, he was devastated.

Now he has met someone new. He asked my sister again if he and his girlfriend could stay. He is in desperate need of a break and he and his girlfriend could really enjoy being away together.

My sister has said that whilst it would be fine to have him there it would be difficult for them to come as a couple as her kids (2 and 5) haven't met the girlfriend and she'd feel 'uncomfortable' with the kids going in to the frontroom (she doesn't have a spareroom) and playing etc whilst they were asleep/ together.

WTF!

I have always been so generous and kind to her kids and thought we had a good relationship and I am so hurt she has rejected my DS in this way.

I have told her this and said it hurts that she doesn't trust my DS. I have told her I am not speaking to her.

She say's she doesn't have the space (what room for one but not a couple Confused) and that because her kids use the frontroom to play in it would be difficult.

I just feel it's another example of my family happily taking from me and not giving to my children in any way.

AIBU.

OP posts:
superjobeespecs · 13/06/2011 13:16

i wouldnt let a stranger stay in my house even with a relative vouching for them with or without having DC.

QuintessentialShadow · 13/06/2011 13:21

Yabu.

Why on earth are you giving your son the idea that it is ok to take advantage of your sister, if you are concerned that he has faced so much rejection?

Cant he get a room like most people do if they try to get laid? Does he have to bring a string of strangers through your sisters front room?

You feel hurt and rejected because you expect unreasonable things of people.
She is not rejecting your son. She is rejecting the idea of being a free b&b for your son and a stranger.

TakeItOnTheChins · 13/06/2011 13:30

You sound absolutely mental, TBH.

Neither of these girls have been your son's "girlfriends" - they are complete strangers. I can only imagine how your sister must have felt - "Hi sis, any chance DS can come to stay at yours? I know he doesn't bother visiting often but you see he's met this woman online; they've never met so she could be as mental as I am - haha! - anyway, they need somewhere to shag."

I bet your family have some right laughs about you Grin

TotallyLovely · 13/06/2011 13:38

you realise you are enabling your sons skewed perspective and depressive aspect?

Totally agree with that. How can he have a balanced view of life and what others should do for him when his mum has such strange ideas? He's constantly going to feel let down (as she does)

TotallyLovely · 13/06/2011 13:47

well my sister clearly knows she's been unkind as both my son and I have had grovelling apologies from her this morning 'if she's upset us.'

That's not a grovelling apology at all . . . is it! She is saying that she doesn't want to upset you that is all. That doesn't mean she thinks she was in the wrong.

Why the hell would your son go to his aunts with a new girlfriend anyway? Why not stay at your house or go camping or a B&B? I used to stay in B&Bs and it was around £40 I think. Also just did a quick google and TravelLodge are doing a £10 per room sale.

You keep insisting that your sister is making excuses but it's her home she doesn't have to make excuses, she does though have the right to decide that she doesn't want a stranger sleeping on the living room floor of what sounds like a smallish house with 2 little children in. I wouldn't either. I can't imagine that you would so all I can think is that you have lost all perspective in your mission to make your sons life better. Making it better though isn't going to be achieved by telling him to expect unreasonble things. Neither is encourage him to have a midnight shag on the floor of his aunties house with some women he hasn't met before off the interenet. How about teaching him self respect?

Listen to what everyone is saying . . . please!!!? As your strange ideas are fucking up your son.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/06/2011 15:56

OP - YOU ARE AN ARSE!
And should your son actually have depression (for which we only have your word) you are the cause of it. You have raised this poor boy looking at the world through your bizarre perspective where normal behaviour equals rejection, god only knows what this has done to him and his relationship with the outside world. Feel ashamed. Feel very ashamed.

QuintessentialShadow · 13/06/2011 16:12

First of all, you should stop giving your son the idea that it is ok to bring a stranger into his aunts house. IT IS NOT OK. If you do this, then he wont have to feel rejected and betrayed. You are in fact betraying your son yourself, letting him grow up with such misplaced entitlement.

Bathsheba · 13/06/2011 16:22

Your son is ill, seriously so.

It is very upsetting as a parent to se that, I've been that child and I know how much it upset my Mum.

Encourage him to focus on himself and getting himself well again instead of rebounding and rebounging again into relationships with women, online or rl - HE should be his own priority at the moment - not forming relationships with girls (whether they are lovely r otherwise).

He probably could do with a break - encourage him to go alone, spend some time destrssing and relaxing and concentrating on getting himself better.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 13/06/2011 16:37

Well - I am going to go against the consensus here and say ........

...................nope - sorry, can't say it.

OP - you are being very unreasonable to expect your sister to host a total stranger on her living room floor. If this relationship lasts, then maybe your sister might want to get to know this girl, but 3 weeks is nothing.

And she HASN'T rejected your son, she has rejected his very, very recent girlfriend who she doesn't know from Adam.

My dsis lives in the south of england and we live in Scotland, so she hardly ever sees my sons - but if one of the boys wanted to go down and stay with her, and take a girlfriend so new that their relationship could pretty much be measured in hours, I would tell him 'No', never mind asking my sister or having the sheer cheek to be offended if she said 'No!!'

pigletmania · 13/06/2011 16:39

Erm what persoective! The fact that everyone on here has said that yabvvvvvu should tell you something. Unless there is other bits of information you have left out that support your reasoning. Your ds is an adult he should sort his own love life out. If you are so concerned with him having a break YOU pay for him to have a Bnb for the night. Yor sister has welcomed him to stay not a complete stranger who he hardly knows. They haven't got the space either.

pumpernickel10 · 13/06/2011 16:40

There was me thinking david you was going to agree :o

pigletmania · 13/06/2011 16:54

How is it going to be a nice break for them dossing on your sisters couch with kids running about, nice!

harpfairy · 13/06/2011 16:56

Oh dear. Sounds harsh but I can see why the poor boy has rejection and other issues :(
You do not come across like a balanced person. I'm sure you've done your best but your attitudes and approach are not normal (or healthy for your boy). I think you should get some help.

belledechocchipcookie · 13/06/2011 17:02

I had thought that this thread was a joke. I mean, who in their right minds would behave like this? Your sense of entitlement, needyness, unreasonable demands etc are just shocking but I've actually met someone like you. I advised them to seek support from their GP. She's not let you down, she's done the right thing and is protecting her children from some woman who could be a mass murderer for all she knows. I doubt you'll return but if you ever do, please seek help for yourself as your behaviour is just wrong!

BluddyMoFo · 13/06/2011 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 13/06/2011 17:12

Just to add - I wouldn't let one of my dses sleep with a girl at my house if he'd only known her for 3 weeks!!

In my opinion, the relationship would have to have lasted a number of months at least, before it would be even remotely reasonable to ask your dsis to have the girlfriend to stay along with your son.

belledechocchipcookie · 13/06/2011 17:15

I feel very sorry for the OP's sister. Poor woman must have the patience of a saint.

SenoritaViva · 13/06/2011 17:18

David's Girl you had me there for a moment, especially as your advice is normally so spot on....

And as for your second post, I don't think she is coming back, she wanted it to end at her last post, it must be pretty hard to swallow a totally one sided AIBU, although many posters have been very helpful.

pigletmania · 13/06/2011 17:19

Op you are on another planet altogether

QOD · 13/06/2011 17:28

This post has been on here in reverse - I swear it!

We have had it from the sister/aunt point of view

MollyMurphy · 13/06/2011 17:35

I'm sorry your son is having a hard tim but YABVU - I wouldn't want strangers your son met on the internet coming to my house. Your sister is just using good sense. Also its tantamount to using her house as a hotel - its not like he's visiting to see his Aunt and cousins. I can't imagine why you have such an issue with this. If you son is old enough to online date then he should be old enough to get a hotel or hostel etc.

I hope he is able to arrange some time away and that he feels better tho.

MollyMurphy · 13/06/2011 17:39

Also OP - if your son was "devistated" by being dumped by someone online who he had never met - then I would find that super concerning from a mental health standpoint. I would be encouraging him to take future online "relationships" very very slooooow. I'm sure I would be very worried if in your situation but I wouldn't take it out on your sister.

anonacfr · 13/06/2011 17:44

Going back to the OP- her son was going to spend the night at his aunt's house with a woman he'd never actually met?
What happens to meeting up for coffee before you share a bed/sofa with someone?

This Op is bizarre beyond belief. And of course VU.

chicletteeth · 13/06/2011 17:48

YABVU.
I would not an adult relative of mine stay in my house with a partner I've never met whilst my kids were around.
I wouldn't let a stranger stay in my house actually.

He shouldn't be asking this (especially since told no the first time0 and you shouldn't alienate her because of it

SenoritaViva · 13/06/2011 17:48

anonacfr no, the first woman was an internet date. The second he met three weeks ago in a pub, so obviously that's absolutely fine...