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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel utterly betrayed and let down by my family

232 replies

letdownagain · 12/06/2011 19:55

My DS has been going through a really bad time. He's suffering from severe depression and has been having a really hard time. My family have never really helped him in any way.

Recently he met a woman online. He asked my sister to put them up whilst they were in the London (the first time he and this woman would have met- he was looking forward to it). It was hard for him to ask my sister as he doesn't see her or her kids often (maybe once a year). My sister is younger than me with young children and she made up some exuse not to have them stay with her.

Unfortunetly that relationship with the woman he met online didn't work out. They didn't meet in the end because she dumped him for someone else she'd met on line, he was devastated.

Now he has met someone new. He asked my sister again if he and his girlfriend could stay. He is in desperate need of a break and he and his girlfriend could really enjoy being away together.

My sister has said that whilst it would be fine to have him there it would be difficult for them to come as a couple as her kids (2 and 5) haven't met the girlfriend and she'd feel 'uncomfortable' with the kids going in to the frontroom (she doesn't have a spareroom) and playing etc whilst they were asleep/ together.

WTF!

I have always been so generous and kind to her kids and thought we had a good relationship and I am so hurt she has rejected my DS in this way.

I have told her this and said it hurts that she doesn't trust my DS. I have told her I am not speaking to her.

She say's she doesn't have the space (what room for one but not a couple Confused) and that because her kids use the frontroom to play in it would be difficult.

I just feel it's another example of my family happily taking from me and not giving to my children in any way.

AIBU.

OP posts:
BuntyPenfold · 12/06/2011 21:31

All sorted then; they can sleep at Nonno's place.

pineapple70 · 12/06/2011 21:40

SELFISH!!

LDNmummy · 12/06/2011 21:45

YABU, I wasnt even comfortable asking my DS if my long term partner could stay with me in her home because I felt her kids didn't know him enough to see him with their aunty in a domestic situation like that. It's only now that they know him better and we are having a child and are a cemented couple, that he has stayed at my DS's home with me. And even then he slept in another room. The children knowing them as a stable couple is very important and I agree with your DS on her decision.

heleninahandcart · 12/06/2011 21:52

OP you are being protective of your DS but YABU.

One option, you go visit your sister and let him have your place?

pranma · 12/06/2011 21:56

Why dont you treat them to a couple of nights in a nice b&b somewhere-much more romantic than aunty's front room.

allegrageller · 12/06/2011 22:03

Apart from the obvious unreasonableness of asking your sister to allow a stranger to shag DS in her front room- I can't believe both you and DS expect this poor woman to put out the first time she's met DS?! And what if he didn't want to either? Talk about a lack of romance....

Northernlurker · 12/06/2011 22:12

Are you out of your mind? You expect your sister to hand over her front room to your ds for him to shag a woman who he is all but a stranger to?

pigletmania · 12/06/2011 22:19

YABVU, I don't blame your sister. She said that she is fine with having your ds in her house, but not a total stranger who your ds does not know and who she does not know either. Its a big expectation and YABVVVVVVU expecting it.

Original poster
letdownagain · 12/06/2011 22:26

He's faced so much rejection in his life. This is just another example of that. It makes him and I feel so upset.

what I can't accept is that she can't trust him and that hurts. It's as if he's not good enough to stay at hers or something.

OP posts:
BuntyPenfold · 12/06/2011 22:32

I'm sorry you feel so sad OP.
I don't think it is your son she doesn't trust, it is the new girlfriend (and she is very new) who she doesn't want to stay.
I would feel the same - and worried that their relationship is perhaps going to fast, and could all too easily end badly for him.
Someone suggested they stay at your place and you stay with your sister; would this work?

5318008 · 12/06/2011 22:34

no it's not that she can't trust him

it's more that her house is not a dosshouse

LRDTheFeministDragon · 12/06/2011 22:35

I can see you're feeling rotten about it. But I honestly don't think either that your sister has done anything wrong or that him going to stay there with his girlfriend would be a good idea.

Look, I don't want to come over all amateur-shrink, but is it possible your DS is getting the message from you that you're worried about him getting rejected and it's making him feel he has to make a big visible statement to your sister about his successful relationship?

I just can't see why it'd be a good idea for him to go there - let's face it, it is pretty likely his girl will give him the boot if he makes her sleep on a stranger's sofa and get woken up by her little children!

I also don't think your sister necessarily doesn't trust your son - but rather, that she can see this is a bad idea and not something she's comfortable with, and she doesn't want to be part of it. Maybe later, when the relationship is more established, you could invite your DS and his girl to a family event instead?

BuntyPenfold · 12/06/2011 22:36

Travel Lodges on the other hand are a dosshouse.....with ensuite.
Much nicer for them imo.

Spuddybean · 12/06/2011 22:37

but she said he could stay there didn't she? just not with a woman he has known for 3 weeks in her sitting room.

DuelingFanjo · 12/06/2011 22:40

Yabu. Why not invite the new girlfriend to come and stay with you.

Northernlurker · 12/06/2011 22:43

OP you are being really silly. Your sister said ds could stay alone. Just not shag in her living room with her dcs walking in on them. A position I think any mother should recognise as reasonable!
You need to get a grip really. Yes your ds has had a shit time - that doesn't mean everybody has to bend over backward to accommodate his whim and sex life!

GiddyPickle · 12/06/2011 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CoffeeDodger · 12/06/2011 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cees · 12/06/2011 22:46

I would refuse to let him and his new gf stay too. She doesn't know her and from the sounds of it neither does he.
I find it odd that you think it ok for him to sleep with women on there first meeting and in your sisters home to boot.
He should book a B&B or a hotel and you should stop being so pushy with your sister. The poor woman is doing nothing wrong and you childishly tell her you are not speaking to her over this?
YABVU

ScaredyDog · 12/06/2011 22:47

Why isn't she coming to stay with you?

QueeferSutherland · 12/06/2011 22:48

Urgh, yuck, YABVVVVVVVU.

As DF says, invite the girl to yours!

A travelodge is, what, £50?

Do you really expect your family to put up your grown son with his brand new GF so they can hump?

FFS. What about her children? It's their playroom.

Morloth · 12/06/2011 22:51

Not a chance in hell would they be staying in my house, why the fuck would they want to?

You are being very unreasonable.

MumblingRagDoll · 12/06/2011 22:51

"He is in desperate need of a break and he and his girlfriend could really enjoy being away together"

And your sister should give a shit?

YABU. Very.

pigletmania · 12/06/2011 22:52

But letdown your sister has said that she will have him but not his girlfriend who he barely knows, theres a difference. She has young children to consider, its their house too not a hotel to keep entertaining his passing girlfriends. I would not do this, don't keep saying your sister has let him down as she hasen't, she has to make a decision with her young family in mind. Have them over to stay yourself, or pay for them to go to a cheapie hotel, there are plenty for under £50.

Pancakeflipper · 12/06/2011 22:54

It's not your son your sister had issues with. She doesn't want strangers in her home. Can you not get that?

Your son is very likely to vouch for the wonder character of all the on-line relationships. But your sister is not going to be in honeymoon period and blinded by love. She has a young family to protect.

Sounds like she'll happily have your son to stay just not the latest online love interest.

Can't the love interest stay at friends or you pay for them to stay at a Travel Lodge?