Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel utterly betrayed and let down by my family

232 replies

letdownagain · 12/06/2011 19:55

My DS has been going through a really bad time. He's suffering from severe depression and has been having a really hard time. My family have never really helped him in any way.

Recently he met a woman online. He asked my sister to put them up whilst they were in the London (the first time he and this woman would have met- he was looking forward to it). It was hard for him to ask my sister as he doesn't see her or her kids often (maybe once a year). My sister is younger than me with young children and she made up some exuse not to have them stay with her.

Unfortunetly that relationship with the woman he met online didn't work out. They didn't meet in the end because she dumped him for someone else she'd met on line, he was devastated.

Now he has met someone new. He asked my sister again if he and his girlfriend could stay. He is in desperate need of a break and he and his girlfriend could really enjoy being away together.

My sister has said that whilst it would be fine to have him there it would be difficult for them to come as a couple as her kids (2 and 5) haven't met the girlfriend and she'd feel 'uncomfortable' with the kids going in to the frontroom (she doesn't have a spareroom) and playing etc whilst they were asleep/ together.

WTF!

I have always been so generous and kind to her kids and thought we had a good relationship and I am so hurt she has rejected my DS in this way.

I have told her this and said it hurts that she doesn't trust my DS. I have told her I am not speaking to her.

She say's she doesn't have the space (what room for one but not a couple Confused) and that because her kids use the frontroom to play in it would be difficult.

I just feel it's another example of my family happily taking from me and not giving to my children in any way.

AIBU.

OP posts:
Original poster
letdownagain · 13/06/2011 12:07

porto- it's not a wind up, I would't post to waste people's time. I was angry and I can see no-one here can see my perspective as it's born out of a complex family relationship and stress.

I have a lot on my plate at the moment.

thank you all for posting, perhaps we can stop now.

Thank you.

OP posts:
piprabbit · 13/06/2011 12:10

TBH If I was the girlfriend and found that my new BF allowing his aunt and mother get in such a state about our not so romantic break, I would be dropping him like a hot potato. I would be humiliated and embarrassed that my potential sex life had become a topic for the whole family to bicker over. You really wouldn't see me for dust.

Nixea · 13/06/2011 12:10

OP: AIBU?
Everyone: Yes!!
OP: No I'm not. Now all shut up.

Why one earth post in the first place! Seriously though, I hope you consider getting some help because you're certainly not doing your son any favours by blowing tiny things out of all proportion.

LRDTheFeministDragon · 13/06/2011 12:10

Just so this is clear: there is no possible family relationship or stress that would make this reasonable, or your sister wrong. You're upset; it's tough, we know. But please don't discount what people are saying or you will look back and wonder what on earth possessed you.

ChaoticAngelofLitha · 13/06/2011 12:11

Jesus christ allfuckingmighty ShockShock

You entitled attitude is unbelievable.

Your DSIS is not running a b&b or your DS's own personal brothel ffs.

She has two young children and doesn't want them walking in on your DS and his latest GF shagging in their lounge. Your DS doesn't bother to see his aunt or cousins but expects her to put up him and a complete stranger, to her, who he barely knows himself....entitled much Hmm

He could take his GF to visit his aunt for a couple of hours while on this break so that way she could get to know this GF but no, he couldn't possibly put himself out this way.

I feel really sorry for you DSIS with selfish, entitled relatives like you and your DS. She'd be better off without such toxic people in her life.

pumpernickel10 · 13/06/2011 12:11

Well if you have so much on your plate my dear why post on here?
I feel you have wasted our times as every poster on here as said you are unreasonable.
Your talking to someone who as lived with depression a long long time off and on. I see your perspective and its a selfish one. Hes your son not your sisters.
In future if you can't take what posters say then don't post.
Now run along to MNHQ and get them to shut this thread.

pumpernickel10 · 13/06/2011 12:13

I actually think the OP as the mental illness not her DS

LisaD1 · 13/06/2011 12:13

OP - are you for real? What is it about this set up that you think is acceptable? Your sister is being totally reasonable and responsible. I'm sorry for your sons depression but that does not give him an excuse to use your sisters house as a dumping ground/free hotel.

pumpernickel10 · 13/06/2011 12:16

Not one single poster on here and its 184 messages as agreed with the OP
Now what does that tell you dear that all these posters are all wrong?

AllDirections · 13/06/2011 12:17

Thisis the first AIBU thread that I've read that is so totally 110% U.

Even if your sister was BU (she's not BTW) she doesn't have to have anyone stay at her house. And she doesn't even need a reason.

You are encouraging your DS's sense of entitlement. And even after reading all the comments you still can't see how unreasonable you are. I feel so sorry for your sister. I have one just like you.

Pandemoniaa · 13/06/2011 12:28

I'm not sure which is the most ridiculous. The idea that one should feel rejected by a sister's perfectly reasonable reluctance to have her house (which includes two small children) treated as a shagnest - one of the shaggers being completely unknown to her. Or the OP's complete lack of proportion and understanding.

This is NOT helping her depressed son. Instead, it is compounding a difficult situation of her own making which could have easily been avoided if a smidgeon of commonsense had been used. I'm wondering if the word "inappropriate" appears anywhere in the OP's vocabulary. Only it seems to sum up just about everything about this sorry situation. From the original request right through to the "devistation" you are now larding the inevitable consequences with.

BitOfFun · 13/06/2011 12:29

If your sister had stolen your husband and then conspired to have you disinherited or something- that would justify feeling totally betrayed. Not wanting a stranger to bang her slightly-unfamiliar nephew in her front living room does not come into the same category.

Your attitude and interpretation of this are not helping your son one little bit.

Bless your sister for trying to keep the channels of communication open. You sound like bloody hard work.

sue52 · 13/06/2011 12:31

YABU. It's not up to your sister to enable your DS's love life.

VivaLeBeaver · 13/06/2011 12:36

When I was in my mid 20s I was expecting romantic weekends away not a sofa for the weekend with toddlers jumping up and down on one end in the house of a woman I'd never met.

They weren't always expensive weekends, maybe camping or even going to stay at a boyfriend's friends' house for the weekend.

OP - I'm guessing your DS doesn't have many friends/much of a social life? Maybe he ought to focus on building this side of things up before trying to meet women online - then he may well meet women through friends/going out plus have mates to do things with.

SunRaysthruClouds · 13/06/2011 12:38

I have a lot on my plate and a 23 year old son.

If kept asking my sister if he could stay with various a new girlfriends I would question my ablities as a parent and whether I had brought him up the right way.

YABU

VivaLeBeaver · 13/06/2011 12:39

Oh dear, just read your update that your son now won't be in touch with your aunt due to her saying no when first asked.

What a user both you and your son are!!! Didn't get what you wanted out of her so now having nothing to do with her - nice.

SenoritaViva · 13/06/2011 12:41

OP I don't think anyone can see your 'perspective' because you are simply being unreasonable. I have rarely seen such one sided agreement on AIBU.

You seem to have real issues with rejection yourself and this seems embroiled in your mother/son relationship. You need to show your son how someone saying no (and quite reasonably so) isn't rejection and that there are other solutions etc. Your reaction is simply highlighting the 'rejection' and as a result you are NOT helping him. To be quite honest your attitude screams of VICTIM. It doesn't matter if you have done lots for your sister, she does sound reasonable and did offer her nephew a bed, just not the pair of them.

FWIW I remember a friend (male) in our twenties who met a girl in a bar, saw her for a few weeks. He woke up one morning and the girl had pilfered a whole load of stuff from him and his flatmates (cameras etc. anything that was worth something that could be carried in a large bag).

Spuddybean · 13/06/2011 12:55

oh dear, having a victim mentality is self perpetuating. You are setting your son up for a life of confusion - wondering why everyone who declines unreasonable requests is 'betraying' him.
I think you have mental health issues if you cannot see this, especially after reading the amount of posts telling you how ridiculously you are behaving.

You may be used to feeling this way and wingeing until someone apologises and then this retrospectively confirms (in your mind) how hard done by you are. But just because someone apologises it doesn't necessarily make them the ones in the wrong.

The squeaky wheel (unfairly) often gets the oil.

Pancakeflipper · 13/06/2011 12:57

Your son doesn't give 2 hoots about your sister.... You have said he rarely sees her.

He just wants a an easy-free shag room.

Your sister sounds very sensible. Apart from the grovelling bit to you... but she's obviously kind and worried about you.

Getdressed · 13/06/2011 12:59

YABVU. Your poor DSIS is apologising for your very unreasonable request. WTF? There is no way I would allow any of my family and a new partner stay in my house when I have young DCs. I would not want my DCs to be put in that situation.

I hope you are not telling your DS that he is being rejected by his family as this really is not the case at all. Your DSIS is putting her DCs first as you are doing with your DS.

Do you really think it is acceptable to expect your sister to house your DS and his new girlfriend so they can "get to know each other better"?

Why cannot they spend the weekend with you or you pay for them to stay in a hotel?

clarabb · 13/06/2011 13:00

Well if your son isn't going to be in touch with his aunt again then hooray - she won't have to deal with anymore of this nonsense. How dare you talk about her the way you have - you need to start behaving like a grown up not a huffy teenager. If I was your sister it wouldn't an apology you'd be getting

MsTeak · 13/06/2011 13:03

you realise you are enabling your sons skewed perspective and depressive aspect? He is both young and depressed, whats your excuse for being so bizarre? Hmm

Cymar · 13/06/2011 13:05

Totally unreasonable to expect or demand that your sister allow her house (complete with young, vulnerable DC's) to be a knocking shop to enable your son to have a sex life and a break. Your son's depression is not your sister's problem, and using that to emotionally manipulate your DSis to get what you want (or what your DS wants) is bloody-well out of order.

BitOfFun · 13/06/2011 13:08

This has got to be a joke, right? Even down to the self-pitying username. Surely nobody is actually this obtuse?

Cymar · 13/06/2011 13:10

I guess the OP won't be back in a hurry. She's probably offended because she still thinks she's right and everyone else disagrees.