Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel utterly betrayed and let down by my family

232 replies

letdownagain · 12/06/2011 19:55

My DS has been going through a really bad time. He's suffering from severe depression and has been having a really hard time. My family have never really helped him in any way.

Recently he met a woman online. He asked my sister to put them up whilst they were in the London (the first time he and this woman would have met- he was looking forward to it). It was hard for him to ask my sister as he doesn't see her or her kids often (maybe once a year). My sister is younger than me with young children and she made up some exuse not to have them stay with her.

Unfortunetly that relationship with the woman he met online didn't work out. They didn't meet in the end because she dumped him for someone else she'd met on line, he was devastated.

Now he has met someone new. He asked my sister again if he and his girlfriend could stay. He is in desperate need of a break and he and his girlfriend could really enjoy being away together.

My sister has said that whilst it would be fine to have him there it would be difficult for them to come as a couple as her kids (2 and 5) haven't met the girlfriend and she'd feel 'uncomfortable' with the kids going in to the frontroom (she doesn't have a spareroom) and playing etc whilst they were asleep/ together.

WTF!

I have always been so generous and kind to her kids and thought we had a good relationship and I am so hurt she has rejected my DS in this way.

I have told her this and said it hurts that she doesn't trust my DS. I have told her I am not speaking to her.

She say's she doesn't have the space (what room for one but not a couple Confused) and that because her kids use the frontroom to play in it would be difficult.

I just feel it's another example of my family happily taking from me and not giving to my children in any way.

AIBU.

OP posts:
feistychickfightingthebull · 13/06/2011 10:47

YABU, full stop

TotallyLovely · 13/06/2011 11:00

I agreed with this so much I decided to repost it . . .

"He's faced so much rejection in his life. This is just another example of that. It makes him and I feel so upset."
You consider this to be rejection. If all his requests are so unreasonable, then of course he has faced it a lot. And if he can't recognise unreasonableness because of his depression, then surely you should be able to! Instead you are reinforcing this 'woe is me' crap.

"what I can't accept is that she can't trust him and that hurts. It's as if he's not good enough to stay at hers or something."
This isn't about her not trusting him. It's about her not trusting complete strangers, who she should not be expected to trust. She has already said that him on his own would be fine, so this is pure unreasonableness on your part.

I really think a grovelling apology to your sister is in order. And a complete re-evaluation of the best way to support your son.

Original poster
letdownagain · 13/06/2011 11:18

well my sister clearly knows she's been unkind as both my son and I have had grovelling apologies from her this morning 'if she's upset us.'

However her original 'no' still hurts and I am too upset and hurt to accept her back tracking.

She's said that she does trust my son and now feels unkind for saying 'no' to them as a couple. She's made a thing of saying it was because her children don't know them very well etc. How does she expect her kids to get to know them if she won't let them stay- catch 22 i think.

My son won't now go or be in touch even though she's now 'decided' she was insensitive.

Thanks to those of you who have shared your experiences of depression. It is hard to see my ds in pain.

OP posts:
ruledbyheart · 13/06/2011 11:19

YABVVU I wouldn't want a complete stranger staying in my house with my young children either.

ll31 · 13/06/2011 11:23

OP surely your son doens't have to stay with your sis to get to know her and kids.. I really dont understand where your sense of ur sons entitlement to a bed for him and girlfriend in ur sisters house comes from - I really don't get it.

confuseddotcodotuk · 13/06/2011 11:27

letdown: She was not unkind in any way! Shock She's apologising for the easy life because you and your son are very OTT and obviously feel that you're entitled in some way/shape/form.

Your son has been seeing this girl for 3 weeks, get over yourself, he barely knows her let alone your sister who's never met her and who also barely knows your son!

As a young 20-something I would be thoroughly unimpressed if my new bf thought a romantic treat was staying at his aunties with two kids about. I would also be unimpressed if I discovered the lack of respect you and your son obviously have for your family, and how he's still holding onto the apron strings! Having recently broken up with a lovely guy partly because of the control his mother had over him, I can tell you now that you aren't doing him any favours!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/06/2011 11:30

OP... She does trust your son, she said 'yes' to him staying there even though she doesn't have the room. That's what family does for each other and she's not rejecting him. Not a bad result for an aunt whom her nephew doesn't bother with more than once a year.

Can you put yourself in your sister's shoes? How would you feel? Really?

Why don't you offer to put up this girlfriend in your home with your son? I wouldn't, they've only been dating for three weeks, but you seem to think that it's fine for your sister.

I'm sorry that your DS is in pain and you have to watch him but he's going to experience pain in his life, especially with relationships, that's what happens. You can't shield him from that unless you're going to micro-manage his life for the rest of yours.

Your sister deserves a phone call of understanding, if not apology from you.

Kewcumber · 13/06/2011 11:31

"I am too upset and hurt to accept her back tracking" - you are a loon OP.

Why should her childrne "get to know" his new girlfriend. He may have a differnt one next week. If she's going to marry him they maybe there's some rationale in her childrne getting to know her. But otherwise if I was your sister I'd be damned pissed off that your DS doesn;t want to go and see her childrne to get to know them just wants a cheap hp;iday with his new squeeze (which I also agree with posters who say this is unlikely to impress her).

LRDTheFeministDragon · 13/06/2011 11:32

Oh dear.

Letdown, you are being very unkind to your sister. Loads of people here have pointed out they'd do exactly as she did - she's apologized and you call it 'grovelling' and 'unkind'. Sad

For goodness sake, woman, get some perspective!

Kewcumber · 13/06/2011 11:34

Have just noticed your DS is mid 20's Shock what on earth are you doing getting involved in this?!

begonyabampot · 13/06/2011 11:35

I'm finding it very difficult to believe someone can be that unreasonable and that's the Op, not the sister.

ElizabethDarcy · 13/06/2011 11:40

YABVU. Your sister does not run a hotel. What a cheek to ask her again. And to have a stranger in a home with young kids. NO way.

GiddyPickle · 13/06/2011 11:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Portofino · 13/06/2011 11:44

I am pretty certain this is a total fabrication. It gave me a good giggle last night though.

squeakytoy · 13/06/2011 11:45

Wow... your son is a piss-taking cheeky twat, and you are just unbelievably unreasonable and quite frankly, a loon.

Your precious son doesnt go to visit them, but expects them to provide him and some woman he has just met, with hospitality and a bed for the night.

I feel so sorry for your poor sister.

Kewcumber · 13/06/2011 11:46

Portofino - I wondered that but am generally reluctant to say it.

BsshBossh · 13/06/2011 11:48

OP, regardless of the fact that your sister has come back to you and apologised, you must realise (and impress upon your son) that your sister was not rejecting him per se, she was rejecting the situation of putting him and his new GF up as a couple in a house with small DCs. Something most of the posters here would have done too. You need to ensure your son realises this is not a rejection of him otherwise you are just fuelling his own sense of inadequacy and rejection.

GiddyPickle · 13/06/2011 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pumpernickel10 · 13/06/2011 11:51

Fucking hell op no way on this earth would I let a stranger in my house I've a daughter her safety is paramount. Your being a selfish fool hang your head in shame, and stop using the depression as an excuse I've got bipolar been ill for years I never use it as a fucking excuse.
Now apologise to your sister for being a selfish turd.
If you was my sister it would be over.

Cymar · 13/06/2011 11:54

Why are you expecting your sister to put your son up when, assuming he's an adult, he could make other arrangements for him and his GF to be together? Does he have his own place or does he live at home with you?

If he is living with you why can't you put him and his GF up instead of expecting you sister to Confused?

I understand that it's hard to see our kids rejected, but that's life and it will happen regardless of whether we like it or not.

pumpernickel10 · 13/06/2011 11:54

You probably made your poor sis so guilty she had to apologise. You make me sick. You probably said he's got depression you've upset the poor love.
You selfish bitch, yes I'm going to say it so selfish.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 13/06/2011 12:01

I've read the updates and I still can't see any reason why your sister should have let him stay, sorry.

How does she expect her kids to get to know them if she won't let them stay- catch 22 i think

That's madness. Rather than him arranging to meet her for coffee etc, the first move should be on her part to let two strangers stay? That's completely arse about face.

didldidi · 13/06/2011 12:03

Well if he really is "in desperate need of a break" how come he hasn't been down there before? he could have got to know his neice/nephew then. He only seems interested when he needs a place for a sleepover.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 13/06/2011 12:06

YABVU. And depression isn't a get out of jail free card for always getting your way. You seriously need to back off from organising your son's love life. It's creepy and not helpful. Your sister has apologised because she feels bad that you're upset and she's probably a nice person. However, I think she is completely entitled to not have her front room used as a shag pad by a rarely seen nephew and his latest girlfriend. Ick.

pumpernickel10 · 13/06/2011 12:07

If he was desperate for this break as hes so depressed,methinks he is not especially with a new girlfriend on his arm then put your hand in your pocker OP and pay for your little darling to get his leg over with this girlie,oh and why can't she come to your house? love you to answer that one