Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel utterly betrayed and let down by my family

232 replies

letdownagain · 12/06/2011 19:55

My DS has been going through a really bad time. He's suffering from severe depression and has been having a really hard time. My family have never really helped him in any way.

Recently he met a woman online. He asked my sister to put them up whilst they were in the London (the first time he and this woman would have met- he was looking forward to it). It was hard for him to ask my sister as he doesn't see her or her kids often (maybe once a year). My sister is younger than me with young children and she made up some exuse not to have them stay with her.

Unfortunetly that relationship with the woman he met online didn't work out. They didn't meet in the end because she dumped him for someone else she'd met on line, he was devastated.

Now he has met someone new. He asked my sister again if he and his girlfriend could stay. He is in desperate need of a break and he and his girlfriend could really enjoy being away together.

My sister has said that whilst it would be fine to have him there it would be difficult for them to come as a couple as her kids (2 and 5) haven't met the girlfriend and she'd feel 'uncomfortable' with the kids going in to the frontroom (she doesn't have a spareroom) and playing etc whilst they were asleep/ together.

WTF!

I have always been so generous and kind to her kids and thought we had a good relationship and I am so hurt she has rejected my DS in this way.

I have told her this and said it hurts that she doesn't trust my DS. I have told her I am not speaking to her.

She say's she doesn't have the space (what room for one but not a couple Confused) and that because her kids use the frontroom to play in it would be difficult.

I just feel it's another example of my family happily taking from me and not giving to my children in any way.

AIBU.

OP posts:
Dozer · 12/06/2011 22:56

Yabu, and are you really helping your ds by getting involved in his relationships like this?

pigletmania · 12/06/2011 22:57

If your ds wants a break, why can't he go to stay with your sister ALONE without any unknown girlfriends.

Portofino · 12/06/2011 22:59

I wouldn't let ANYONE come to my house on this basis - ie for a shag, no matter if I had kids or not. I would be seriously upset if it was requested.

I remember my dsis turning up at mine once with a strange bloke (she was living with someone else at the time). I was seriously unimpressed. She did marry said bloke in the end, but still....

magicmelons · 12/06/2011 22:59

Op this is absolutely no rejection of your son this is a rejection of the situation. What your both asking is very unreasonable and as I'm sure you can see from every one here not the norm. Your both looking at things all wrong.

A date under these circumstances may well be the end of this relationship and if you keep having unreasonable expectations of your sister then you will probably lose her support.

ellodarlin · 12/06/2011 23:00

YABVU

Shagging in your Aunties front room is not a 'break' or 'being together'. If you want a break, go to a hotel.

I could understand if your ds wanted to stay alone for logistical reasons such as he had a job interview nearby or something but a romantic break in your Aunties front room is insane. Why would this woman want to go to a bloke she barely knows Aunty's house for her holiday?

Depression doesn't give you a right to despoil the sofa of a relative you barely see.

Portofino · 12/06/2011 23:03

I think if I was invited to stay at someone's Aunties as a "first night" thing, I would run for the hills personally. I was married (the first time) at 23. A bloke who had to rely on his auntie for accommodation in his mid twenties would have been a HUGE no no.

Tenacity · 12/06/2011 23:05

letdownagain I think your sister is being very unreasonable not letting your son's girlfriend stay at her house. For one she is a stranger, and who does not want strangers in their home, especially when they have young children around? Who cares if this woman turns out to be dangerous or crazy? Surely this is the duty of a sister and an aunt, to forget about safety, and go with the flow. If she does not do what you say, it means she does not love you. Your son has to come first, and your sister should forget about her own children and their safety. After all they are very young, and your son is in his twenties.

FabbyChic · 12/06/2011 23:07

Depression is curable, I had it for 7 years, Im cured now, but Im on meds for life. But it is curable, but you have to help yourself, the only way to get better is to do things for yourself and not rely on others, and never use your illness as a crutch or as emotional blackmail.

HansieMom · 12/06/2011 23:11

I don't blame your sister! Let them rent rooms, or maybe even stay in hostel.

proudfoot · 12/06/2011 23:13

YABVU and very cheeky and using!

Why on God's green earth should your sister be prepared to put up your son and his "girlfriend" (stranger) when he only wants to use her as a doss house and otherwise has no contact to her.

Depression does not excuse this - it is an outrageously cheeky request!!!

Agree with others - he should go to a hotel or do something else.

ChaoticAngelofLitha · 12/06/2011 23:24

YABVVVVVU

  1. Your sister is not running a b&b, nor understandably does she want a complete stranger staying under the same roof as her children.
  1. If your DS wants this relationship to last then he needs to show this woman some respect. I'd be less than impressed if someone expected me to stay on their aunt's sofa on a trip away.
LRDTheFeministDragon · 12/06/2011 23:30

Fabby speaks sense - letdown I totally sympathize with you wanting to help your DS and feeling awful on his behalf, but you can't pull him out of depression, it doesn't work that way. Sad

skybluepearl · 12/06/2011 23:31

as a mum to young kids i'd be careful about who sleeps over too

LouMou · 12/06/2011 23:31

So as his mother do you intend to organise all of his shag dates then?
That'll go down well with the ladies I imagine.

YABVU, if you're that concerned he gets his leg over, pay for a hotel.

LineRunner · 12/06/2011 23:36

Agree with others. GiddyPickle makes a very important point about - are you dumping your batty feelings of rejection onto your son? It's not going to help him.

And why can't they go to a B&B for break?

Why can't they stay at your house for a break?

Why can't they go to the girlfriend's house for a break?

tomhardyismydh · 12/06/2011 23:36

try posting here OP

Portofino · 12/06/2011 23:50

There's a RL Jeremy Kyle forum!!!! I am shocked and amazed and going for a good nose!

Scuttlebutter · 12/06/2011 23:53

If I were the son's girlfriend, and found his mother was taking this level of interest in/making arrangements for his date, I would run for the hills - this is taking helicopter parenting to a whole new level. I would also be deeply unimpressed by a man thinking that his aunty's house complete with two young DC would be a suitable environment for our first romantic congress.

A grown up man would at least arrange a hotel. And in a mature, sensible relationship, a couple (especially when keen to get some quality shag time together) could go halves on the room cost. In term time you could be looking at around £80. If they push the boat out a little further, lots of really nice rooms on Lastminute.com etc. for around £100/£150.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/06/2011 23:54

Haven't read the entire thread, only the OP and OP's subsequent posts, so apologies if I'm repeating what others have already said.

OP, your original post was so very unreasonable that I thought you must actually be the little sister, checking she wasn't going mad. Your sister has no spare room, so can only put visitors up in her front room, a not-very-private space. Your son, who you say sees your sister maybe once a year, wanted to shag meet a complete stranger in this space. And you are upset with her for saying no. Now he wants to do the same, but this time with a near-complete stranger, someone he met in a pub three weeks ago. Because he really needs a break.

And you have told your sister you are upset with and not speaking to her!

"He's faced so much rejection in his life. This is just another example of that. It makes him and I feel so upset."
You consider this to be rejection. If all his requests are so unreasonable, then of course he has faced it a lot. And if he can't recognise unreasonableness because of his depression, then surely you should be able to! Instead you are reinforcing this 'woe is me' crap.

"what I can't accept is that she can't trust him and that hurts. It's as if he's not good enough to stay at hers or something."
This isn't about her not trusting him. It's about her not trusting complete strangers, who she should not be expected to trust. She has already said that him on his own would be fine, so this is pure unreasonableness on your part.

I really think a grovelling apology to your sister is in order. And a complete re-evaluation of the best way to support your son.

veritythebrave · 13/06/2011 00:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gotabookaboutit · 13/06/2011 00:34

Honestly - if this isn't a wind up then - Op, no wonder your son is depressed as you are a loon.

GiddyPickle · 13/06/2011 09:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

L8rAllig8r · 13/06/2011 10:11

No further points to add, as you are clearly BVVU, I just wanted to applaud the sentence

Depression doesn't give you a right to despoil the sofa of a relative you barely see.

Genius.

SignOnTheWindow · 13/06/2011 10:19

The OP has already admitted that she was being unreasonable and that she feels overprotective of him at the moment.

Darleneoconnor 'a great catch then?' That was a nasty, spiteful comment to make. Shame on you.

confuseddotcodotuk · 13/06/2011 10:30

YABU.

And if I were to meet a bloke online I wouldn't be impressed that, on the first actual physical date, he was expecting me to stay at a strangers house with two young children. It would feel weird and also cheap, there are plenty of hostels with double roomks if he's worried about money!