to think people should respect my choice of name?

[DuchessofPsmith]

I'm a regular MNer, but am writing under an assumed name (and using more fake names) for what's about to be obvious reasons.

DP is in fact DH. We'd had a non-legal shindig a year after we met, and told everybody that's that. And part of that was because during my previous marriage I was driven nuts by a few assholes misguided friends who'd refused to accept I hadn't changed my name: that it was still "Ms Psmith" not "Mrs Ahmed", so I really wanted to avoid giving anbody a reason to get it wrong again.

DP and I thought a bit later that it might be both pleasing to his mum, and protecting for me if anything should happen to him, to do the legal thing, so we secretly married, inviting only our mutual best friend and DH's mum as witness. We made it clear to both of them that this was to be kept secret, and that my name would remain "Ms Psmith".

Within days, the old bat made me regret inviting her, making jokes about total strangers asking "which Mrs Jones?" (as if they'd know). And within a few months DP/H and I were getting [holiday] cards from her relatives addressed to "Mr and Mrs Jones".

A few years went by. DP/H in the meantime heard from his sister that MIL had blabbed to her as well, but it wasn't officially General Knowledge. DP/H of course explained why this was, and all the stuff you read above, i.e. to respect my name.

We got invited to a wedding in her neck of the family; I sent hand-written acceptances using our two names. So, I was a but surprised to see my dinner placecard written as not "Jane Psmith" but "Jane Jones".

We didn't let it ruin our evening (although the general white-trashiness of the event was worthy of a whole 'nother thread). We stayed through dinner but left before the disco (my being 8 months pregnant proved useful for escape). On our way out, during the goodbye and pleasantries with SIL, I handed her my placecard and said "I am certain I spelled my name correctly on my acceptance - could you please in due course pass on my disappointment to whomever was responsible for this that they chose not to respect my wishes."

DP/H's next phone call with his mother started with her launching right into "If you're ringing to apologise, you're too late and it won't be sufficient" because apparently I "went ballistic" and "ruined the bride's big day" (we'd said nothing about it to her - indeed, I made sure to tell SIL we weren't going to bother B&G with this!).

We have since had no apology either from MIL or SIL. The only thing SIL had to offer - and this is where you MNers come in! - is "well, since I know you're married, I assumed your name was changed".

AFTER THAT ENTIRE CONVERSATION HE'D HAD WITH HER?!? AFTER MY ACCEPTANCE NOTE IN MY NAME?!? AAARRRGGGHHH!

Moreover, I am now bothered by the thought that if what SIL perceives to be my "married name" (I am gagging even typing this) was used, does that mean she spread the secret further? How many people now know?

I actually felt compelled to look up the legality of it, and confirmed what I'd thought I'd known: that name change is voluntary and through usage - though marriage is one of the reasons one might do it, it is not automatic. There is no legal "name change fairy".

So I know leagally where I stand, but what's general consensus? Looking forward to your thoughts.

Actually, we decided to name the triplets Thor, Razor and Spudulika Bikergangbang.

Seriously, Izzy, I hadn't even thought about the "unmarried pregnant" line of defence, and I rather doubt it was the case. It would certainly have also been hypocritical of the B&G, who had a child before this big day. So I wasn't thinking along these lines.

But if people think two people who have been in a loving, stable relationship for 6+ years aren't together enough to have a baby, that's a whole new way to be rude.

I just love the way Op is so full of self importance taht she honestly believes the B&G sat down with her invite acceptance to esnure the correct spelling of the name. rather than what more likely happened which is they sat around the breakfast table and MIL said yes P and his wife have confirmed their attendance and so they wrote a card saying MR and Mrs P smith.

I mean this is a massive specualtion But i am assuming you aren't acually Kate Middletone and that this wedding didn't actually revolve around you and your attendance.

Your entire post sounds so ridiculously self absorbed. You must be incredibly hard work

I was going to disagree with you there worra, but I've just re-read what the OP said to the bride and I'm overwhelmed with at the nerve of the OP.

And her memory at remembering such a speech, do you think she rehearsed it beforehand, perhaps jotting it down afterwards so she could reproduce it word for word for us?

If she did rehearse, it could have sounded a bit less of a mouthful than 'could you please in due course pass on my disappointment to whomever was responsible for this that they chose not to respect my wishes'.

Who the fuck would say that shit?

(don't answer, your post'd only be deleted for using such language)

Ok I'm sure it has been said -

Next time take a ball point pen with you to weddings and hand amend your placecard as well as any other labels that you need to. Voilla!

PS Return mail to sender if it is not addressed properly.

PSS how can you really keep a marriage secret. Isn't it meant to be public in some way?

PSSST - Do try not to criticise someone at a wedding. It is not a good look and is very rude. Even at 8 months pregnant.

I think you were so rude at the wedding. Annoying that they get your name wrong but not the end of the world. Swallow it, there are more important things in the world to worry about.

Yes people should definitely respect your choice of name, but you equally should respect their right to not give a flying fuck! Horrendously rude behaviour at wedding and white trash comment won you no fans here I'm afraid!

i think if you purposefully decide to buck a tradition that has occured for thousands of years then you must accept that you will have to put up with occasions where people make assumptions.

It is like naming your child Jon but spelling juoahn. You will have to put up with people spelling it the traditional way.

You are feeling put out becuase people you obviously don't know very well and clearly couldn't care for aren't up to speed with you level of self absorbtion.

and if you are together enough to get married and have a child, quite why you aren't able to publicly state your marriage i don't know

I still don't understand what's wrong with a double barrelled name...?

You were pleasant and 'forebearing'?

Sorry, I don't buy it. Sounds more like you pasted a false smile on your face while inwardly patronising the hell out of your hosts, the guests, and the event, and working out the wording of your parting shot.

As for your own 'non-legal' shindig, wtf's that about? You are either married to your present 'partband' in the eyes of the law or you're not.

If you had truly wanted to keep your wedding secret why didn't you grab a couple of witnesses off the street.

Surely you didn't expect your MIL to keep her son's marriage under wraps unless she was deeply ashamed or disapproving of you?

Still, all's well that end's well. As chunky has said, you've given your partband's family a large choice of names to call you Spectacular own goal - well done you.

My dc have double barrelled names. their father and i were not married and never would be. I wanted them to have the option of either or both.

Ahhhhh, do - I really do...............

Really.

Fuckers.

I so bet they all have a whole new name for you now

can we play "guess what the inlaws call OP"

i shall have a stab at "little ms stuck up cunt"

Worra: we didn't lie. They did look wonderful, and happy together.

What we didn't way (I think everybody's waiting for this) was:

• And you kept us waiting for 4 hours in between ceremony and dinner, with no food and drink. No warning beforehand, either. I did eventually slip away and get a small nap back in my hotel room, but if I'd known how long there'd be in between, I could have much more and maybe even stayed to watch some of the dancing. So I definitely think I can be excused for leaving a bit "early".

• Not even one "welcome drink", just straight to a cash bar.

• Cash bar, btw - no plastic. No warning about that beforehand either, and the nearest cashpoint some streets away.

• Invites had asked for money - I don't really care about that, but when combined with the other things...

I could get into more detail, but that'd probably come too close to identifying the parties involved.

Everybody's making the "WT" term out to be about amount of money or social class, but in my mind it has always been about a person's actions. And these actions were more about making a big showy splash than treating their guests with courtesy. Therefore...

Same here with my DS mamaz0n

Sorry is this about the wedding which you are slowly admitting that you didn't enjoy or your crazy insistence on NOT BEING MISTAKEN FOR YOUR HUSBANDS WIFE!!!! (Sorry had to represent your panic there).

JUst don't go to any more weddings op- simply explain that you don't have the necessary manners to attend.

Wanting to keep your name, fine and dandy. YANBU

Everything else about your story, OMFG. I don't know where to start. Luckily, everyone else has said it. And inviting your MIL to your secret wedding? Hahahahahahaha. What a dimwit!

What a good game, and that's a brilliant guess Mamaz.

As they were iclearly gracious hosts to the OP, I'll opt for the polite option 'Ms Banned From Future Family Events'.

actually it's not a tradition that's been around for thousands of years at all and customs differ in different parts of the world. Wikipedia has a good article about it here

I don't think OP is being at all unreasonable in expecting people to call her by her REAL name, not one they have made up. Being tolerant of strangers making assumptions is one thing - people deliberately calling you by a name that is not yours, when they have been told it is not your name, is just plain rude. OP didn't bother the bride and groom with this - but made a comment to her SIL.

Stick to your guns OP - never use hisname, always correct people and make sure legal docs etc are in yourname. It is very very annoying and will wear you down - but if you really do want to keep your own name then there is no reason why you should not. The more women who insist on this the easier it will be for our daughters to make this choice. I have a number of friends who simply 'gave up' and accepted being called mrs hisname, but have not been happy about it.

For those who don't think it's a big thing just imaging being called by the wrong name, day after day, even after you have told people your correct name! I had a problem with a work colleague who insisted on introducing me to clients using an abbreviated form of my first name, which was my late dad's pet name for me - and a few very close friends also use it. It is not the name I ever introduce myself as. No matter how often I corrected her she did this and so clients thought that was my name - I always signed letters, emails etc with my full name, but the nickname was lodged in their brain so they used it and it really bothered me. I realised she was doing this as a deliberate act to wind me up, and people do exactly the same thing with womens' last names when they want to make the point that they should be using hisname. We have a choice whether to use hisname or ourbirthname, that choice should be respected, end of story.

It's about power, it's not trivial and OP INBU.

That last statement has got to be a joke

did your MIL get any food at your wedding reception?

Your behaviour at the wedding was very poor, and your MIL had every right to expect an apology.

You sound very precious and demanding and I not at all surprised that they are pissed off with you!

Take his name, dont take his name, whatever, most people wont give a toss. But ffs stop acting like what you choose to call yourself is the most important thing in the world and should be considered as such to everyone else.

You were childish rude and stroppy and if I were you I would be embarrassed at my own behaviour not angry at everyone else!

"...people do exactly the same thing with womens' last names when they want to make the point that they should be using hisname".

Actually, this is mainly bollocks. In most instances, people do no such thing. Instead, they call you by the wrong name in the absence of knowing differently. But in so many cases, it's an innocent assumption that can either be corrected courteously "actually I'm Ms XX" or, given the triviality of the circumstances - a hotel receptionist once handed me a newspaper saying, apologetically, "I'm so sorry this wasn't delivered to your room Mrs DP" - simply let go because actually, you'll never speak to them again and the exchange doesn't warrant a great correcting speech.

Most people are embarrassed to discover they've jumped to the wrong conclusions, not delighted to play some ridiculous power game or make some heavy point about Women Knowing Their Place.

I adopted my dh's surname, but have also occasionally had issues with people trying to call me a diminutive of their choice (I always use my full name). No big deal the first time, I just don't respond. Once I figure out they are trying to address me then I just say that I don't use a shortening, and won't respond if they call me that. I've very rarely had someone keep trying to call me their name of choice, but if they did I would think that they were extremely rude, and I would call them on it.

I'm not sure that the OP covered herself with glory at the wedding, but she has obviously made it very clear for the last six years that he is not Mrs Husband's name, so if her ILs go on calling her that then they are totally unreasonable and almost certainly are making a point. Likely they disapprove of women keeping their original surnames.

Keeping her birth name is obviously a big deal to the OP, and that is not unreasonable, lots of people don't change their names on getting married (almost all men for a start) and they have good reasons for doing so, which should be respected. Names are important.

Totally agree Pandemoniaa.

I havent taken DHs name, but I see no reason to make a fuss when people get it wrong, in the same way that DH doesnt when people have called him Mr Bogeyface because they assume that we have the same surname because of our marriage! He actually finds it quite amusing and refers to himself as my bitch :o

Rightly or wrongly, it is generally assumed that women take their Hs name on marriage, and all it takes is a quiet word or just ignoring it altogether. The kind of strop the OP threw is absolutely ridiculous.