to think people should respect my choice of name?

[DuchessofPsmith]

I'm a regular MNer, but am writing under an assumed name (and using more fake names) for what's about to be obvious reasons.

DP is in fact DH. We'd had a non-legal shindig a year after we met, and told everybody that's that. And part of that was because during my previous marriage I was driven nuts by a few assholes misguided friends who'd refused to accept I hadn't changed my name: that it was still "Ms Psmith" not "Mrs Ahmed", so I really wanted to avoid giving anbody a reason to get it wrong again.

DP and I thought a bit later that it might be both pleasing to his mum, and protecting for me if anything should happen to him, to do the legal thing, so we secretly married, inviting only our mutual best friend and DH's mum as witness. We made it clear to both of them that this was to be kept secret, and that my name would remain "Ms Psmith".

Within days, the old bat made me regret inviting her, making jokes about total strangers asking "which Mrs Jones?" (as if they'd know). And within a few months DP/H and I were getting [holiday] cards from her relatives addressed to "Mr and Mrs Jones".

A few years went by. DP/H in the meantime heard from his sister that MIL had blabbed to her as well, but it wasn't officially General Knowledge. DP/H of course explained why this was, and all the stuff you read above, i.e. to respect my name.

We got invited to a wedding in her neck of the family; I sent hand-written acceptances using our two names. So, I was a but surprised to see my dinner placecard written as not "Jane Psmith" but "Jane Jones".

We didn't let it ruin our evening (although the general white-trashiness of the event was worthy of a whole 'nother thread). We stayed through dinner but left before the disco (my being 8 months pregnant proved useful for escape). On our way out, during the goodbye and pleasantries with SIL, I handed her my placecard and said "I am certain I spelled my name correctly on my acceptance - could you please in due course pass on my disappointment to whomever was responsible for this that they chose not to respect my wishes."

DP/H's next phone call with his mother started with her launching right into "If you're ringing to apologise, you're too late and it won't be sufficient" because apparently I "went ballistic" and "ruined the bride's big day" (we'd said nothing about it to her - indeed, I made sure to tell SIL we weren't going to bother B&G with this!).

We have since had no apology either from MIL or SIL. The only thing SIL had to offer - and this is where you MNers come in! - is "well, since I know you're married, I assumed your name was changed".

AFTER THAT ENTIRE CONVERSATION HE'D HAD WITH HER?!? AFTER MY ACCEPTANCE NOTE IN MY NAME?!? AAARRRGGGHHH!

Moreover, I am now bothered by the thought that if what SIL perceives to be my "married name" (I am gagging even typing this) was used, does that mean she spread the secret further? How many people now know?

I actually felt compelled to look up the legality of it, and confirmed what I'd thought I'd known: that name change is voluntary and through usage - though marriage is one of the reasons one might do it, it is not automatic. There is no legal "name change fairy".

So I know leagally where I stand, but what's general consensus? Looking forward to your thoughts.

Taking your partner's surname after marriage is a deeply ingrained cultural convention so it is not remarkable that your MIL finds it odd that you have chosen to keep your maiden name. I'm sure it is irritating, and yes, people should respect it, but it is not something worth getting so het up about. And certainly not something that warrants making a fuss at someone else's wedding, which you did by pointing it out to your SIL. What did you expect her to do? Perhaps she was under the impression that you wanted her to say something to the bride and groom.

its absolutely clear from reading the OP's first message that DHs family are playing silly games with her re. the name. - read what the SIL said! (It's pretty clear that the SIL is mother of the bride here) the DH has very clearly and carefully told his sister that his wife is to be called Ms hername, had a long conversation with her about it. The OP replied to the wedding invite with hername. The SIL put hisname on the place names, OP only spoke to the SIL about this as it was her decision to put the wrong name on the place setting. SIL is refusing to accept that. If the bride got to hear about it then it was from SIL.

OP has not told people she is married so that people do NOT make the assumption she has changed her name! the few people that know (including the SIL) have been explicitly told she has kept her own name, and have been told why the marriage is not being 'announced'. this is not about people not knowing and jumping to understandable conclusions, this is about people feeling they have the right to override her decision.

we are not talking about 'most instances' here - we are talking about a specific group of people who are not respecting her choice and are trying to undermine it by publicly referring to her by the wrong name. I have experienced this, it is fascinating (intellectually!) that people can be so dismissive of someone's choice in this way - but it is very very annoying to be on the other end of it! At first you give them the benefit of the doubt, but once you've had the conversation when you explain it and make your decision clear then you get angy when they ignore that decision.

OPs in laws know she has kept her own name and that this is so important to her that she is not generally letting on she's married so that people don't try to call her mrs hisname. They are sabotaging that decision.

Well if all these Machiavellian games are being played with the OP's surname, then the clever thing to do would be to ignore them. Not rise to the bait by making an arse of yourself.

It's my understanding that in the UK when a divorced woman remarries her former husband's surname is shown on the marriage certificate.

It's also my understanding that when a married woman dies, her husband's surname is shown on the death certificate.

Maybe someone who works in a Registry Office can confirm whether or not this is the case?

YANBU to want people to call you by the correct name. Other posters saying 'it doesn't bother me if I called X instead of Y' is utterly irrelevant. if it bothers you, it bothers you. What's important to one person will be meaningless to another. It doesn't render the issue non-existant just because some random on t'internet doesn't have a problem with it.

However, YABVU to be quite so supercilious at the wedding. Are you totally sure that the incorrect place card was deliberate? I mean 100% sure? In any case, even if it was (and it just seems so petty and small-minded that I can't believe it was; surely it was just a thoughtless mistake), your handling of the situation was dreadful.

If it turns out that it WAS indeed a deliberate error then perhaps it's time to take a long, hard look at yourself and ask yourself what it is about you that invites people to go out of their way - even take pleasure - in pissing you off...

Op name changed for that last post by ionlyfoundout, totally obvious haha

lol - well actually I'm not OP, not that you'd believe me:-) Its just a subject I (obviously) feel very strongly about - having spent nearly 30yrs fighting this battle myself and have seen the way people can dig their heels in and refuse to accept a woman's decision about this.

and Izzy - the law is very clear, your legal name is the name you choose to be known by - if a married woman is known by hisname then that is the name on all legal docs. All the legal docs relating to me are in myname, including decree nisi and absolute, as that is the only name I have ever been known as. (DH did the classic midlife run off to get a younger wife - who interesting has also kept hername, he never had a problem with it).

Name changing is a great trick if you can do it. But it's even funnier when people can't!

PS. Here's a tip. Never elaborate and give away more information under your recently assumed name than you did in your original post.

The OP posted the OP thinking she had a chance of being judged reasonable, she's hardly going to be bothered what posters think of her and namechange is she?

you mean because I guessed SIL was mother of the bride - oh dear, all you needed to be able to do that was to actually READ the original post :-)

I've only been on MN a few weeks - fascinating stuff, especially when you have insomnia:-) but the namechange thing is weird IMO (I mean the MN namechange thing) - how do you build up relationships when you never know who you're talking to?

FWIW I assumed the SIL was Mof the B too (and no, I'm not the OP, promise!)

Fuck me, op, I hope you've gone to bed and emerge tomorrow under your regular guise, having pulled your ridiculous head from out of your equally ridiculous arse.

I have no doubt this thread is a wind up but all things are IMO loosely based in truth, which makes me (and very possibly baby jeebus) sad.

Fucking non-legal shindig and place card handing backness. What is the world coming to.

Not having a relationship with the person you're talking to does have it advantages loiner, in that you can look at the info the OP's giving you more objectively not knowing all the complicated emotional attachments that go with it.

Some people don't want a relationship with people online (but there are meet ups), or they might not want people in their RLs to twig who/where they are so do it regularly.

I only namechange if I want to post something I don't want anyone who might know my MN name in RL to read, which has only happened a few times.

I just can't be arsed with all the faffing that goes with changing it all the time really

? I missed the ? after what is the world coming to. (?) knowing the op's pernickertiness, I thought I had better make amends asap.

Op - on the whole, YANBU to want to keep your own name and not take your DH's. That is totally understandable.

It is also NBU to be upset that your ILs find the whole thing a bit of a joke ans refuse to buy into it - it's disrespectful and that's that - but you rather spiked your own guns by inviting your MIL to the wedding; bang went that "secret"!

However - you really shouldn't have said anything at the wedding, however bad it was - you should have let that go. For whatever reason, they enjoy winding you up and now they know EXACTLY how to do it forever.

I can understand your annoyance at people not getting your name right but unfortunately that's the way people are and letting it rile you up so much is only going to bother you and not change them one slight bit.

A secret wedding strikes me as an odd and slightly wanky thing to do and being annoyed that people know about it seems to miss the point of a wedding - it's supposed to be a public event that people know about. I could totally understand if there were difficult religious/legal circumstances but really there's no good reason for people not to know and I find it really really odd.

As for getting pissy with anyone when it's not your wedding day, especially about a placecard, that is the very height of wanky and just downright rude. Practically every time I've ever had my first name written anywhere it's spelt wrong. The only time I say anything about it is if it'll have legal implications (for example on my driver's license). Other than that I realise the world doesn't revolve around me and only small children get in a strop about something so minor.

You weren't courteous at the wedding, you made a "thing" of it as you left.

Completely respect your wishes to keep your maiden name, but it is kind of expected that people will take a partner's name so people will make mistakes. I certainly wouldn't have made a fuss at a wedding!!!

I'd apologise and blame it on "pregnancy hormones". Say you do feel strongly about it but sorry you raised it when you did.

It's my understanding that in the UK when a divorced woman remarries her former husband's surname is shown on the marriage certificate

Mine certainly wasn't! However I didn't use my first husbands name either.

I have, however seen a marrriage certificate that went thus:
Jane Smith, formerly Jones, formerly Brown, formerly Green, nee Black - but that registrar (small community) was known to be an utter bitch anyway!

However, if you are talking correct etiquette, the OP is Mrs John Smith even if she chooses to keep and use her own name of Jane Jones. Does that make sense?

Sounds awfully like you are embarassed about being married to him IMHO.

OP - I really don't know why you started this thread. Your OP reeks of self-righteous indignation - you clearly think you're being totally reasonable and that your handling of the situation was above reproach.

How can we help here?

It was rude of your sil but you were wrong to make an issue of it on the day

I missed the 'sweep' at the wedding part of your OP. What a rude and nasty thing to do!

Still, now that you have shown the family your true colours, they won't invite you to family events any more. This will have the happy dual effect of saving you from attending their crappy weddings and saving them from putting up with you. Everyone's a winner!

By the way, I have been to lots of weddings and the day you describe is really quite normal in the UK. It is fairly standard to have a very long gap between ceremony and dinner. That's why I take a pack of sausage rolls in my glove box when I go to a wedding.

You sound a bit mad, and if even a fraction of that madness comes across in RL then no wonder everyone winds you up - it must be more entertaining than an Eastenders Christmas Special.

FWIW I kept my own name for the first 3 years after I married, only changing it when I had DC (and keeping it for professional purposes thereafter) I have never had any issue with being called the wrong name.

As for your comments at the wedding You were breathtakingly rude and will be referred to as the crazy lady that kicked off about her name for the rest of your natural life. Seriously who does that?!

Yanbu - you can use any name you like and everyone should respect your wishes.

The fatal flaw in your getting married plan was if course inviting your MIL, how either of you thought she would keep her mouth shut is beyond me tbh.

I think you be far better off to be honest about the wedding and say you have choosen to keep your name.

I personally think there are a couple of things going on here.....

1 - YANBU to be want to called the name that you wish to use. I agree that automatically taking a new name once married becuase it is 'expected' is a bit of an old fashioned ball ache and not something I would jump at. You ar allowed to choose and peopl should respect your wishes. However having said that, because it is such an ingrained custom both here and in many other countries, people will just assume. Politely correcting people when they do should suffice, but is it really that bad that you would get so wound up by it???

2 - YANBU to be annoyed at you MIL for not respecting your wishes about your marriage. I think another poster said earlier that your DP should be having stern words with her about both of your trust in her being broken and how this might affect future trust.

3 - YABVU to make comment to SIL at the wedding. This is on to counts. Firstly that you asked SIL to pass the message on. It wasn't SIL who wrote the cards, nor is she responsible for the person who did so IMHO this is very bad form. Secondly it was a wedding, not the place for this at all. As I said earlier politely correcting is the right response. This was not polite at all. I would have sent the card/ gift / whatever else in both yours and DPs names - that is sufficient to make the point.

4 - YABU to slag off the wedding on here. It has no bearing to your point and actually just makes you sound snobby and pathetic. SO they chose to do things differrently to how you would. Doesn't make them bad people. Nor does using a cash bar or any of the other pathetic things you mention.