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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

pregnant at 17 ... but it was 'expected'

337 replies

waspbee · 10/06/2011 17:36

friend of my husband has a daughter who has just announced shes pregnant. the mother said she 'expected it' to happen. WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Am i being unreasonable to think what the hell happened to her mothers duty to get involved and stop it happening. so sad

OP posts:
Psychpineapple · 10/06/2011 23:22

Because to be having sex at 14/15 is illegal. And I have a strong moral ethic that a country's laws should not be broken.

It would be very small window to fall pregnant in the first 2 months of turning 16 therefore legal for sex, yet still have the baby before 17th birthday.

Maryz · 10/06/2011 23:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Psychpineapple · 10/06/2011 23:24

I know a number of women in their 40s who only want to be a mum, and smother their child as they have waited so long to have one, and their life is purely the child.

Gooseberrybushes · 10/06/2011 23:25

I sort of think "each to their own" but if my daughter just wanted to be a mum I would be disappointed. On the other hand I value the work of parents. On the other other hand I doubt many 17 year old mothers are doing it because they want to do a marvellous job and realise how important is the work of parenthood. More like couldn't be bothered to use a condom and half my mates are up the duff anyway.

Psychpineapple · 10/06/2011 23:26

Gooseberrybushes have you ever had a conversation with a teen mum in real life, and asked their reasons?

fuzzpigFriday · 10/06/2011 23:27

I think people are confusing the idea of 'just wanting to be a mum and not doing anything else ever' and 'wanting to be a mum now more than anything else'. Even if having children is what you want to do while young, it doesn't automatically mean you don't want other things from life afterwards.

Lots of people want careers/travel etc first, and then to have a baby. Other people just do it the other way round. When we decided to TTC we discussed my studies and future career, it wasn't like I was writing off my whole life to be a housewife.

Portaloo's example is extreme and very very sad. Of course I wouldn't want my DD to be like that. So helpless. But please don't assume that all choose-to-be-a-young-mums are like that because we really really aren't.

StuckInTheMiddleWithYou · 10/06/2011 23:28

What I mean is, I dislike the idea that any woman should see the only reason to live is to be a mother. Ever. They do not see themselves as contributing anything else of value to the world at all. I knew girls like this at school. One had seven children by the age of 27.

Gooseberrybushes · 10/06/2011 23:28

I feel sorry for young families who are doing their best and can't see their way to affording a family. And there are people who have to rely on the state, they've been made redundant, they've been looking for work and so on.

They're the reason "nothing can be done" to stop people who really should be advised and discouraged from pregnancy.

Laquitar · 10/06/2011 23:29

Oh dear Cote you are not in a position to judge my intellect.

All you do here is trying to bully young mums. Does this give you pleasure on a friday night?

What's the matter? Ishoos?

You bore me to death now. Ciao!

Gooseberrybushes · 10/06/2011 23:29

What do you think they are, Pineapple?

CoteDAzur · 10/06/2011 23:30

I agree, Gooseberry. It's fine if some people here have chosen teenage motherhood, I really don't care, but I certainly hope that it will not happen to anyone I actually know.

Psychpineapple · 10/06/2011 23:30

Sorry GBB I don't understand your last post - you think people who have been made redundant should have been discouraged from pregnancy???

Gooseberrybushes · 10/06/2011 23:31

This is so sad. "I just want to be a mum" from a teenager speaks of immaturity, inexperience and a a rose-tinted view of pink prams. Or escape, that's even sadder.

Darnsarfupnorf · 10/06/2011 23:32

i just want my dd to be happy, if that means shes 'just' a mum or not having kids at all then so be it but ill support her whatever her hopes and dreams turn out to be. of course ill encourage her to do what i think is right but children gain their own opinions no matter what their parents think

CoteDAzur · 10/06/2011 23:33

Bye, Laquitar. Don't hurry back.

Gooseberrybushes · 10/06/2011 23:33

No - you really didn't understand it. People who are made redundant, the struggling young couple - it's not fair for them to be excluded from familyhood. They are the reason young single teenage parents cannot be discouraged financially from pregnancy. Sorry you didn't get it, I didn't think it was that hard.

What are the reasons for teenage mums becoming pregnant - you implied you wanted to tell me?

Gooseberrybushes · 10/06/2011 23:35

I'm going to bed. I might look in tomorrow.

fuzzpigFriday · 10/06/2011 23:35

I agree Gooseberry, and as I said, the girl mentioned by Portaloo is a prime example and probably a product of celebrity obsession etc etc... But my point is that not all young mums are like that. :)

Psychpineapple · 10/06/2011 23:36

Difference GBB as I've been there and have talken in RL to people who have been there I know what they thought -

If I have the baby during my study when I am in College 18 hrs a week, and 11 hrs a week of University, I will have more time with the baby then if I am in a full time career.

If I start out on the career ladder with my baby, there won't be any adjustments have to be made, when I have become selfish, and not thinking about anybody else.

The childcare is the most expensive in the early days, as I earn more money, we can live in a nicer house, as the childcare will reduce and my income will increase. This did not actually happen for me as I chose to continue spending the money on 'childcare' and changed it to spending on school fees.

I have all my life to see the world, esp as we are living longer, if I start the career path now, as well as have my children, my children will have flown the nest and I will have a pension that means I can retire or at least reduce my hours at 50.

These are all thoughts that I had when I was 17 - at the same time as other friends were planning to be consultants at the earliest age possible, and have children in the future. No problem with that life choice either.

fuzzpigFriday · 10/06/2011 23:37

(sorry gooseberry I meant your post at 23:31)

Psychpineapple · 10/06/2011 23:39

It is fair -
if a couple are 17 and financially struggling no they shouldn't have a child. if a couple are 25 and financially struggling no they shouldn't have a child.

Or GBB is there an age that it becames okay to be financially struggling and use the state to have a baby? Please advise what the cut off point is.

Psychpineapple · 10/06/2011 23:40

Or not - if you choose not to check in tomorrow.

Gooseberrybushes · 10/06/2011 23:40

All lovely reasons if you can support yourself. Otherwise self indulgent. And if you are not married, and understand the statistics on single parent families, somewhat self-indulgent there too. So if you cannot support yourself, and don't offer your child a two parent family, doubly self indulgent.

Darnsarfupnorf · 10/06/2011 23:41

GBB- my reason was because the pill failed, i was the chosen 0.5% that the pill didnt work on

i cant claim benefits because of my student loan (which is long gone) so me and dd are fully dependant on her dad

shes perfect, i cant wait to see how my life turns out and i couldnt be happier

Gooseberrybushes · 10/06/2011 23:42

I came back tonight.

A struggling couple is more likely to be independent than a struggling single mum. A struggling couple of 27 is more likely to be mature and experienced than a struggling couple of 17. This is not rocket science. This is not hard. This is not made up.