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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

pregnant at 17 ... but it was 'expected'

337 replies

waspbee · 10/06/2011 17:36

friend of my husband has a daughter who has just announced shes pregnant. the mother said she 'expected it' to happen. WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Am i being unreasonable to think what the hell happened to her mothers duty to get involved and stop it happening. so sad

OP posts:
sofadweller · 10/06/2011 22:59

Make that 3............

Gooseberrybushes · 10/06/2011 22:59

Pineapple, do you think this thread is entrely about you? do you think it's generally a good idea for 17 year olds to get pregnant? particularly if they can't support themselves, haven't had a great education, and may be lacking in family support?

Psychpineapple · 10/06/2011 23:00

Just to clarify she has never financially supported me since I turned 16, and never financially supported my child.

Mumofaflump · 10/06/2011 23:01

But their lives may not be over.

For some, yes, they will go "Oh look, I have a child, I am now going to rely on the state to bring me everything. I also will never get dressed or have a shower again as I no longer have any need to leave the house since Asda started home deliveries."

Others however will go "Oh shit. This is hard work, obviously I need to become more responsible. I know, I'll study hard in my spare time to get good qualifications and provide my DC with everything they need/I never had."

As I said up-thread I am 27 with a young baby, but I still felt it was a wake up call to get my act together and actually get on with getting those pesky qualifications I have been faffing about with for years.

Mumofaflump · 10/06/2011 23:02

Oh no Cote I have started those since I fell pregnant, Was a bit of a feckless layabout beforehand.

Psychpineapple · 10/06/2011 23:03

No I don't think this thread is about me at all. But the argument so far in this thread has repeatedly been if you have a child at 17 - you can't travel and you expect the state to pay for it.

I am not the only person in the world who has had a child at 17 who has travelled, and hasn't had the state pay for it.

I think it's better to have a child in your late teens, than in your 40s. But if someone chose to have a child in their 40s I wouldn't criticise their decision.

Mumofaflump · 10/06/2011 23:06

I admit it's bloody hard and I feel like giving up half the time. I won't though as it's not about me anymore. I gave up the right to be selfish when I started being careless with contraception.

I suppose the point I'm trying to make is that it is possible, if you set your mind to it to give a child a good life if you 17 or 47. For some (like me) it is the wake up call.

Gooseberrybushes · 10/06/2011 23:06

Pineapple - do you think it's generally a good idea for 17 year olds to get pregnant?

Gooseberrybushes · 10/06/2011 23:08

"For some, yes, they will go "Oh look, I have a child, I am now going to rely on the state to bring me everything. I also will never get dressed or have a shower again as I no longer have any need to leave the house since Asda started home deliveries.""

Absolutely, and since it's with other people's money, other people have a jolly strong right to an opinion about it.

CoteDAzur · 10/06/2011 23:09

Laquitar - I don't remember being on a thread about stepchildren and can't imagine why I would care much about the subject, not having any nor knowing any.

If you think "piss off" is an acceptable argument, all I can say is that you are a good example of why getting settled into motherhood and family life before developing one's intellect is not a good idea.

Psychpineapple · 10/06/2011 23:10

Yes if it is a choice made by the 17 year old, the same as if it is a choice made by 27, 37, 47 year old.

If it is a conscious thought out decision I would say 'Congratulations'.

If it was a careless act I would say 'Right what is the plan now and sit down to see how finances etc would happen'.

At no point would I ever say 'Shame'!

Psychpineapple · 10/06/2011 23:11

"For some, yes, they will go "Oh look, I have a child, I am now going to rely on the state to bring me everything. I also will never get dressed or have a shower again as I no longer have any need to leave the house since Asda started home deliveries.""

But women are doing that in their 20s/30s/40s - so as long as they are not 17 it is okay that is their thought?

Gooseberrybushes · 10/06/2011 23:13

Nowadays it's almost always a choice. The success of contraception means that almost every pregnancy through consensual sex is a choice. So almost every pregnancy by a 17 year old is a good thing, in your opinion?

Would that be conditional on the 17 year old being able to support herself or is it just ok if someone else pays for it?

I disagree with you completely, by the way.

fuzzpigFriday · 10/06/2011 23:14

all you did since having a baby was hobbies and a bit of volunteer work?

Nice twisting of my words there, Cote Hmm you seem to have forgotten the studying and the new job though. What I meant by it was that I'm not 'just' a mum. Though really, what is wrong with being 'just' a mum, when the DCs are tiny? That is what babies and toddlers need - they don't give a monkeys if their parents have glittering careers or earn loads of money to Buy Stuff, all they want is lots of play and cuddles and TIME. And boobs in the beginning :o Does society really place such little value on bringing up children? :(

CoteDAzur · 10/06/2011 23:14

Darns - If you don't see why I find your posts barely literate, then you " have problems".

For your information, I don't read your Daily Mail, I don't smoke, and you really should not call others "ignorant".

StuckInTheMiddleWithYou · 10/06/2011 23:15

portaloo Fri 10-Jun-11 22:55:03

Being a mother is not as romanticised as some youngsters who have never had DC believe it to be.

Personally, I find it perplexing to hear some young girls say that all they want to do in life is to be a mother. They have no interest in anything else, don't wish to travel, further their education, take up hobbies, meet new people etc etc etc. They don't want to do anything but become a mother. I have a friend, whose daughter is in her early 20's and this young girl has desperately wanted nothing more than to be a mother since she was 13/14 years old. She never goes out, has no social life, has no interest in anything other than waiting for her knight in shining armour to come along and sweep her off her feet, and work as long as need be to support her and however many DC she has.
I would be devastated if my DD could see no other future than to have DC and bring them up, and never do anything else.....ever. I don't know why I would feel so sad for my DD, but there's so much more to life that we can do too. How can having DC be the only thing anyone ever wants to do/see/be?

best post on the thread

Gooseberrybushes · 10/06/2011 23:17

No, of course it's not ok Hmm it's awful.

But a 17 year old is almost guaranteed to be unable to support herself. Almost 100 pc guaranteed to be making a choice that will affect her future and her child's future adversely and to be relying on others to subsidise that choice. She may not have finished her education. She will not have a great deal of experience in the working world. She will probably not have a great deal of independence. If you want to put yourself into the picture for every single 17-y-o single mother in the world then it's not going to end up being a very realistic hypothetical situation, is it.

fuzzpigFriday · 10/06/2011 23:17

BTW, I'm definitely not saying everyone should have a baby at 17! As I said upthread, I am in a different situation with an older DH etc... and although I met him at 15 I certainly wasn't ready for a child at 17.

Was just trying to point out it isn't necessarily a waste of a life to have a child young - if that is what you want and you work hard to achieve it.

Darnsarfupnorf · 10/06/2011 23:18

cote id happily tell you to piss off even when im Dr Darnsarfupnorf. dont patronise about interllect, its got nothing to do with the discussion

Psychpineapple · 10/06/2011 23:18

I don't think anybody should have a baby expecting someone else to pay for it. I believe that the state benefits system should be used as a short term saftey net only.

But that is nothing to do with a 17 year old or a 37 year old - the age of the person is irrelevant. The decision to raise a child and not financially supporting it and having a child at 17 is not a mutually inclusive argument.

StuckInTheMiddleWithYou · 10/06/2011 23:18

I do not understand the idea of "just" wanting to be a mother.

It's bizarre - it is quite possible to do other things and be a great mother. My mother did and I am intensely proud of her for doing so. I'm doing the same.

Gooseberrybushes · 10/06/2011 23:19

But as I say a 17 y o is almost certainly unable to support herself. How many 17 y olds are able to100 pc support themselves and a baby? Not quite as many as rely on those nasty middle class people to do it for them, I reckon.

CoteDAzur · 10/06/2011 23:20

Fuzz - I repeatedly told you that there is nothing wrong with just wanting to be a mum but that this is not what people mean by "being ambitious".

Gooseberrybushes · 10/06/2011 23:20

The age of the person is entirely relevant. If not 17, why not 16, why not 15?

StuckInTheMiddleWithYou · 10/06/2011 23:22

Actually, I think there is alot wrong with just wanting to be a mum.

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