To ask why some women don't have sex with their husbands enough?

[dontstopbelieving]

Just from reading some threads I think some women don't realise how much a man needs sex. Totally on a different level to how we do but making that bit of effort not to think about how tired we are (I am most of the time) but just from my experience they don't want firework inducing experiences. Its just how men feel close and connected is by having sex. Shouldn't we make the effort to make the effort?

"When my DP shows no interest in intimacy or working to create it, I wonder if I am with the right person"

I expect your wife is already working hard enough, coping with having YOUR children pulling at her all the time, wanting stuff. Because she doesn't want you mithering around her for sex all the time, you're thinking of leaving?

Give the woman a break. If you stop being a self entitled arse her sex drive will come back. Or maybe if you leave it will.

my dp told me last week that if we don't have sex soon he'll leave me

i did offer to pack his bags while he went to work

because sex is an exclusively male need obviously. And women obviously don't have orgasms either, they're just obliged to provide their lords and masters with relief on demand.

Butterbur, you clearly do not understand my situation. The only arse in this picture is you for making stupid statements on the basis of no information at all. You have no idea of how much I contribute in my house and no idea of how I communicate with my wife.

Tell me, when women post on here saying their husbands do not meet their needs, do you tell them they are idiots for bothering the DHs when they are clearly working so hard? Didn't think so.

YANBU

I agree with what sandyposy said on page 2

OK, I just wanna add this into the mix. OP I think YAB a twat U because you seem to believe that this is a gender divide. It's not. I think that relationships need sex and I believe that humans need contact, physical contact, with other humans.

Where it get's difficult is when DCs are thrown into the mix and suddenly one of you is getting your basic human need for human contact met 24 HOURS A DAY from the DCs and the other is not. Plus your are tired, different priorities e.t.c.

I am in the middle of an 'experiment' with DH where we are having sex every single day for 50 days (or at least intimate sexual contact). We are about 25 days in and honestly, we've never been happier. It makes the quickie absolutely acceptable (which is not when you haven't had sex for 3 weeks!), it has made it functional with the function being to bring us closer rather than the emotional nightmare of ttc. But the function of it is a positive one. It has hampered our rows as well which were begining to get a little out of hand. Because, just like in the beginning, neither of us are keen to row when we know we will want sex later. And we do want it because we are both so stubborn that we won't give up!

As an aside, we've both lost a bit of weight, have a distinctly more positive attitude to life in general and we both have a glow - my skin is amazing.

What I am saying is, I am discovering that sex is, in fact, a basic human function. Both men and women get overcome with pressure of life and libido is often one of the first things to get put on a back burner. Everyone, not just men, will absolutely benefit from more sexy time!

I think that people should bear in mind that they have DCs for a very short time and then may get 30/40 years alone with their partner.

buttebur i think you are being a bit harsh newlow is being honest about how the constant sexual rejection from his wife is making him feel and you are dismissing it, which makes me wonder either he hit a nerve or that is how you view it in your house. either way if some ones needs are not being met in a relationship to the point were it is causing a problem in the relationship it shouldnt just be dismissed shop it?
i have a friend who's husband will not have sex with her, she doesnt know what to do and they haven't had sex in yrs. she trys to flirt dress nicely and generally come on to him. he hardly touches her bit by bit her confidence has been eroded, she doesnt understand what is wrong with her and it really upsets her she loves him and he says he loves her. we as her friends all sit around saying how terrible it is, wondering whats wrong with him, how can he not want to have sex with her and that they should go to a Councillor and give her advice on what she should try. if this was a man with a woman we would what make excuses for the woman and tell the man to suck it up?

Sorry-the point was that it is a good idea to remain close -before you get left with a man you have grown apart from and no longer know.

@ fear that sounds awesome. its true the more you get the more you want you do get sort of addicted to the endorphins.

He did hit a nerve. Sorry NewLow.

My marriage hit the rocks when I had my third DC. The oldest was 4. DH did nothing to help around the house, or with childcare. Not only was I exhausted, but I was coping with a recent diagnosis of a serious illness, which also contributed to my lack of sex drive.

He did all the old, "I wouldn't be so bad tempered if you had sex with me more", withdrawing affection to get back at me for not having sex etc. And finally, having an affair when our youngest was a few months old.

I should add my youngest is now 13. Our marriage is hell. I have really screwed up.

fearnelinen that is a really interesting post. i have often wondered whether i should try something like that... I'm sure my reasons would be different to yours, but I basically have no libido and don't want to have sex with DH. I know he wants to, so i feel guilty. I don't enjoy it, i feel uncomfortable with bodily functions (crazy having given birth and all that comes with parenting, but my own bodily functions revolt me).... so here's where i get to my point - if i started doing it again on a regular basis maybe i would get to see that its actually fun and natural?! I know that it would make DH happier

wow butterbur i am sorry that sounds truly shit, but its not you that has really screwed up it takes two to let things slide and he cheated and there is never any excuse for that as far as i am concerned, but i really applaud your honestly, that was really brave of you.

you can but try ksal

I can understand why the OP got flamed: there's nothing worse than a man with a sense of entitlement to sex and its a huge turn-off, which perpetuates the cycle which can turn a good marriage bad -- man wants sex, pesters woman, woman feels underappreciated, witholds, man gets pissed off, wants more sex and is also angry, etc.

I do think that a lot of men fail to understand that its this sense of entitlement which is the big turn-off for women, especially those knackered from coping with children and/or work and the fact that men sometimes stop making an effort or expect a woman to provide sex on tap without any foreplay or consideration. In 75% of cases if men just tried to rediscover intimacy (emotional, not sexual) and respect the spark would come back.

But it has to be said that there can be an imbalance in this argument too. Sometimes women think its acceptable to moan on about a man's every flaw and every failure to pick up socks/cook dinner etc and not think about the fact that they haven't made any effort to have sex or just intimacy, for months. It does work both ways.

My first ever

so sorry to hear that butterbur

KSal Let me give some background. DH and I had an amazing sex life. I got pg. Our DD was stillborn. We ttc for 6 months the following year, shagging like rabbits, but completely functional, post coital handstands, the lot! THEN when I fell pg, our new consultant instructed us to have NO SEX what-so-ever (not even nipple arousal !) for the entire pgcy, so from day 1, virtually no contact other than very brotherly, supportive, loving hugs.

DD is now 4 and we still hadn't recovered from that 2 year period (going from DD1 difficult pgcy, through to finishing bf'ing). I often berated myself for that (threads like this don't bloody help) so we just stripped it back. We talked about what was missing from our marriage and we talked about what we could achieve with the plan. We acknowledged that sometimes one or both of us wouldn't be in the mood and that we couldn't be hurt by that. We agreed that in those instances we would just 'lie back and think of England' :o and that it was likely we would get into it pretty quickly anyway. We do (or we care enough about the other to pretend we do).

We KNOW we are best friends, we KNOW we can come through hell and out the other end, we KNOW we can operate (with a large dose of bickering) as parents-step parents-householders. What we had forgotten is just how bloody fantastic we are in bed and that actually that is fairly high up there on our own lists of 'things that matter to me'

For the first time in 7 years I am bouncing around the bedroom again, it's not a case of 'spicing things up' it's just, I we didn't want to flop into middle age with great memories of our intimacy, we wanted to be that close NOW.

What can I say? It's working! He was away in Liverpool last night, so we had to set the alarm extra early yesterday, get the lovely sleepy morning shag in then waved him off. I've really missed him (that's not happened in a while either) so I'll be putting the kids to bed early tonight and getting my sexy on ready for his return :o

Honestly, give it a go, there is nothing to lose. Start by doing it for a week maybe? See what happens.

I love my husband more than anything and there's nothing more I'd want is to have sex everynight but constant menstrual bleeding stops me from doing it!

Nothing I can do my periods have been bad since I was 14a, part of life! My dh has got used to it!

I haven't got anything constructive to say.

I am in a loving relationship with myself and sometimes I GET SO ANGRY when I don't want the sex and I want the sex and I think OH GOD JUST GIVE ME SOME SEX ME. God. I can be a right frigid cow horny devil

Oh and if that doesn't persuade you let me share this little story!

Last Monday, DD had just gone to bed, DS was at scouts, I was in the kitchen making dinner & packed lunches, blah blah boring. DH comes home from work, long stressful day, v.v.tired. He announces that he wants an early night and so we have to have sex now. At the kitchen sink. Cutlery flying everywhere! Very 9 1/2 weeks! Twas fab :o

4 weeks ago I would have actually pissed myself laughing if you'd have suggested we'd be doing that again!

Well with my XH when he had spent all day telling me how ugly, stupid and pathetic I was then buggered off to the pub before 6pm telling me he wanted the house spotless by the time he returned. Then roll home at any time between 2 and 3 am stinking off booze and curry to pull the duvet off, pull my PJ bottoms off shouting 'time for a fuck'.

Why exactly should I oblige? More importantly why am I considered solely responsible for the lack of sex. I might add the above scenario was a several times a week occurance and I had to be up at either 5:30 or 6 depending on the day to get a toddler sorted and get myself off to work while he nursed his latest hang over. Also after he attacked and raped me I really went off sex, I started to hate and despise sex.

Come on OP why should I have spread my legs? Why was I being the horrible selfish one? I have often been told I am so would be interested to hear the reasons as nobody else has offered one. Personally I think YABVU and incredibly naive about what goes on behind closed doors within other relationships.

Jesus xstitch that's horrific.

Very very glad he's your x.

xstitch, he needs stringing up.

Hope you can move on and have a fulfilling relationship :(

For those that have nothing constructive to say don't post.

Haha, now Mumsnet would just wither and die if everyone followed that advice.