To ask why some women don't have sex with their husbands enough?

[dontstopbelieving]

Just from reading some threads I think some women don't realise how much a man needs sex. Totally on a different level to how we do but making that bit of effort not to think about how tired we are (I am most of the time) but just from my experience they don't want firework inducing experiences. Its just how men feel close and connected is by having sex. Shouldn't we make the effort to make the effort?

ahem... despite the obvious risks, might I offer a male perspective...

I would love to make love with DW much more often than happens at the moment, but I feel that with all the pressure of raising DCs it never seems the right time. If I try a low-key approach she usually says she is too tired. I have tried arranging romantic evenings but it ends in a cuddle and if I try to push things further I often hear that she does not want to be 'pressured'. Once I suggested counselling to see if that could help and DW hit the roof, suggesting that if sex was so important 'maybe I should find someone else'.

I think I do try to help with raising the kids and trying to do my part as much as I can when I am at home. I understand she is tired, so am I after a long day but I still want to put in the effort and don't understand why she doesn't. So, wise MNers, what are guys like me supposed to do?

I've not read the back thread and I don't intend to read futher, but newlow:

I know for me the flirting, touching etc. has to start throughout the day, probably even the day(s) before. If tired, I can't just turn it on, it really is all about getting the mind in the right place. Part of that is enough touching, flirting without expectations so that I don't feel pressured. If that only starts one night having not been there for a while, then it is pressure because as you just said you're doing it because you want sex. Cuddles never lead to sex here, it's just two different minds for me, one is showing love the other is well..., sex and romance don't mix for me. I also think too many men I've encountered touched me in a way that was for them, they forget the aim isn't for them to get sex but to get me to want it. Just showing your horny is not a turn on.

OP I can see that you are trying to make a serious point.

Thing is, it doesn't work to make these vast, sweeping generalisations.

"ALL men want more sex and ALL women pretend they are too tired"
"All women should have more sex with their husbands, then all husbands would feel closer to their wives"

Bollocks. Bollocks. Bollocks.

That is not the case in my relationship or the experience of most people on this thread. Every relationship is a finely tuned balancing act of history, expectations, personality, sex drive, practical concerns, mutual respect etc etc etc. Only the people in those relationships know how it works for them.

For someone to stomp in uninvited and say "You know what?? You should have MORE SEX with your husband and that would be better" based only on the experiences of your own situation is naive, patronising and staggeringly insensitive.

I have enough for myself. Thanks for your concern. Why should you be bothered if it's enough for him.

"To ask why some women don't have sex with their husbands enough?"

If a wife doesnt want to have sex with their husband then maybe they should lie back and think of England right? I mean its their duty as a wife no?

who the fuck wants that? how odd to be telling other people they should be doing that?

In your experience men don't want firework sex? So they just want a quick shag then , with someone who doesnt really want it. How depressing

My husband is not one of these men thank god! he respects me as his wife as an equal in our marriage. We dont have "enough" sex we would both like more but there are 3 of us in the family now so its not like before when we could just do it whenever or wherever.

OK , OP have you thought about the many women who have suffered a traumatic birth experience? what if they suffered nightmares, flashbacks, PND, PTSD, a 3rd degree tear that wouldn't heal, Lochia for 3 months. What if they were so traumatise they couldn't go to the doctors from fear of being touched or even use tampax what if they were scared shitless of getting pregnant again. The thought of having to labour again made them want to vomit. couldn't watch anything birth related on TV, couldn't talk about it without bursting into tears. It took them months to even start to feel slightly "normal" again

Those poor deprived husbands? I doubt they would be wondering why their wife wasn't "making the effort" and to think all those months another woman would have been judging them?

Most men need sex like bread n butter, most women need a bit of cake now and then.
If you dont give your man what he needs, whether its food, company or sex he'll get his needs met somewhere else. They are simple creatures. It's not a big ask if you've married someone.

Poshbaggirl: the kind of relationship you describe does not interest me. The idea of agreeing reluctantly to have sex out of fear that otherwise he will shag someone else - how depressing.
P.S. It's not 1951, it's 2011, most people consider that a woman's 'needs' are equally as important as a man's.

Penguin: so I have to plan several days of getting her 'in the mood' to feel like making love with me one evening? Forgive me for saying this, but why am I as the man expected to put in all the effort? Doesn't she have any responsibility for making it happen?

Exact opposite situation here.

I'd love much more sex, my DP's view is that we can be close without it.

Sex isn't a magic wonder fix, you don't know others situations, so don't generalise.

because you're the one who wants it

and it's not just getting her in the mood, it's showing you can touch her without the expectation of sex and that you're enjoying her as a person, not just a object.

Dontstopbelieving I think you are putting your experiences in to how every woma feels. I have never had a period wthout sex even ater birth we were doing 69 within 6 days after birth as I couldnt go any longer without orgasming as it was making me grouchy.

It sounds like you have a low sex drive so see it as a favour to the man. I cant really relate to your experiences.

I've been separated from my husband for years. Do you think, op that I should offer him a quick bunk up when he comes to collect the kids later?

I do think men feel more emotionally connected with their wives when they have sex with them. It makes them feel loved, and that everything is good.

Some women on here are very scornful about that idea though.

But IMHO men are often more emotionally vulnerable than women (or is that just the men I know?). I'd say women are tougher, and men feel insecure when they think they are not loved.

So sex is a big deal to them.

also, it's harder for women to "switch off" all the other stuff going on (DH leans in for a kiss and I find myself thinking: "Did I pack DS1 PE kit bag?", and "mustn't forget to bring my chequebook to school tomorrow" etc. etc. It takes me longer to "focus")

Not saying that women should lie back for England. men need to do their bit too.

newlow - Are you doing all the flirty stuff the dirty texts, the hugs, the kissing, sitting on sofa all cuddled up, going to bed early to watch dvds naked etc. Its all those bits that keep you in mood and works even with young kids in house and jobs. (We only have 1 kid though)

and what's all this tosh about men being "simple creatures"...

does nobody on here LIKE men?

Penguin, here's how I feel: When my DP shows no interest in intimacy or working to create it, I wonder if I am with the right person. I love her hugely, but I did not come into it wanting a housemate to have kids with. For me, no or very little sex means something critical is missing from the relationship that nothing else can replace. If she doesn't see that then maybe we are not compatible.

Chandon, I do get that impression sometimes and wonder why everyone is so tired and stressed ALL THE TIME. I never get that bit of MN to be honest

To the OP, ive not read the rest of the thread but how sad is your OP. You describe sex like a woman's duty rather than something fulfilling that she will get as much out of as her partner. WTF does men need sex on a totally different level to us? I need sex just as much, if not more, than my partner.

That said, i do think people neglect the sexual side of their relationships and i think that is a mistake. There is nothing like a good bunk up to make me feel closer to DP especially when we have loads of stress to deal with.

I don't think they do Chandon.

I'd shag my hubby heaps more if he bothered with foreplay - you know - cleaning the bath, washing the dishes, cooking occasionally....

argh its this kind of generalisation that perpetuates the myth that women dont want as much sex as men.
i have known men to dump women,WOMEN, because they wanted too much sex. i myself went was seeing a guy that wasnt all that in to sex. which was a bit of a sticky situation for me because as lovely as he was i need to get laid regularly so happily that came to its natural conclusion. i am now in a relationship with a guy and we currently have sex about 10 times a week and have done since we met ( 8 months ago) its amazing, i know that sexual relationships have a natural eb and flow but even in my 10 year marriage we never went longer that a couple of days before i was ready to pounce on my husband, in truth i think the sex kept us together longer. so not all women look at sex like some marital chore we do make effort wear nice outfits, do kinky stuff and ride our men like sea biscuit. that is all.