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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to only invite one of a pair of twins to a birthday party?

170 replies

humptydumptynumptymumpty · 09/06/2011 20:04

Dd is friends with one of a pair of identical twins. Last year I asked her who she wanted to invite and, being a crappy wohm didn't know who most of them were, just sent invites into school with the names on she'd said.

So one was brought by her mum... with her twin in tow looking a bit :(. Felt awful, but totally accidental.

This year, obv I know better - but the party is a bit tight for numbers, and really dd has to choose between inviting someone she's friends with and inviting the twin that she doesn't actually play with.

Anyone know what you do in this situation? Anyone with twins got an opinion?? (They're all 7 btw)

OP posts:

LindsayWagner · 10/06/2011 19:19

Fair enough Mila, I hadn't twigged that most of the posters on here were the parents of twins, my fault.

BUT I still think that the lesson to our own non-twin children that one's own desires are important, but so are the feelings of others, is an important one, and that we've got a duty to try and give it wherever we can. I completely accept that sometimes we can't.

schmee · 10/06/2011 20:00

On the playdate issue - I wouldn't worry too much about the single child getting left out if you have both twins over. In my experience the twins will normally compete for the attention of the single child who generally loves it. Unless of course the single child is mean to either twin - then it's war!

Can't wait for one of mine to get invited singly though.

aquashiv · 10/06/2011 20:02

I am a Mum of identical twins. Its not happened to us yet but it does happen with DD who is only a year older. They just accept it. If your numbers are tight then you have to go with who your children is friends with. Partys eh they can be stressful.

jassinkernow · 10/06/2011 20:17

Reading this with interest - as a parent of B/G twins too young to have their own social circle, but old enough to be gutted when their big sis is invited to things they're not. (Don't worry - I realise they shouldn't be invited too!)
I am interested and heartened by how many twin mums say that their kids have v quickly learnt to accept the separate invitations - while that's certainly what I would expect and welcome in theory, I've been rather dreading having to put it into practice as they get older!)
To go back to the OP, I think if your numbers are really tight and it would mean DD excluding one of her actual friends you shouldn't invite the other twin, if there's any flexibility with numbers I'd be inclined to have a chat with the other mum. (I may well look back on that and think its rubbish further down the line when we actually enter the school-parties hurly burly ourselves though )

MrsDaffodill · 10/06/2011 20:53

Schmee - wish I'd been dealing with you today! Mother of the twins that ignored mine could learn from you about how to help them separate. They are not young ones either!

A2363 · 10/06/2011 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thisisyesterday · 10/06/2011 21:48

i also think that you can teach your child to be empathetic and think of others feelings without forcing them to have someone they don't want at a party

when you're writing invites, or deciding who to invite then of course you might say "hmm, do you think X might be sad if his brother doesn't come?" or "do you think Y might feel sad if his sister goes but not him?" and let your child think about it
you can point out that sometimes we put up with stuff that we wouldn't necessarily choose, because it makes other people really happy

i don't, however, think that making them have a certain child to their party will have the effect you think it will. You're telling them this is a nice thing to do, and yet they're the one losing out, so ultimately you're teaching them that being nice to someone else means that they lose out...

jellybeans · 11/06/2011 19:44

Somebody said that it is different for ID twins but I am not sure as my non ID twins are in the same class and very close and have the same friends on the whole.

Another thing is that if the mum really is unhappy with the invite of only one twin she can always decline the invitation altogether. A party is optional after all and not really a big deal. Mine have missed their best friends parties in the past, unfortunately, because we were on holiday; and although obviously the party child is disappointed- they have alot of other friends there. So I wouldn't worry too much about upsetting if you really only want to invite one twin, they can always say no/make excuses.

PercyPigPie · 11/06/2011 19:59

It depends on the second twin. If they are confident and gung ho, go for it. If they are timid and lacking in their own friends, I'd invite.

Bandwitch · 11/06/2011 20:19

Why is it "weird" A2363?

Can you not see the fcuking irony? you are making a big deal about not treating them as twins, and yet if we all forget that they are twins (and I can do that but can you with your twin expertese) the relevant bit is surely the second paragraph of the OP's first post.

Mudandmayhem +1 btw.

That is what i'm in favour of - treating them as the children they are first and not letting the fact that they are twins influence that. I would extend the same sensitivity to children full stop, twins or not. Because they happen to be twins they live in the same house. It's not practical or sensible to invite one and not the other, not when they are seven we are not talking about teenagers here.

You believe you are right that it's ok to invite one and not the other because you're the mum of twins. And yet you have completely overlooked the MOST relevant part, that the other twin was sad not to have been invited, and had to watch her twin be dropped off. If that were a child in the same class because she had been held back a year or because of when their birthdays fell I'm sure people wouldnt be so busy trying to prove that they know how to treat twins as individuals. They'd quickly see the WOOD rather than the twins and realise that it's not kind, senisble, practical or sensitive. But because they are TWINS in your determination to prove you can see them as individuals you sanction behaviour which could be very upsetting to a small child.

And you think that being the mother of twins makes you an expert on the individuals you insist twins are? It clearly doesn't.

MilaMae · 11/06/2011 20:36

Bandwitch you're talking bollocks.

My dd was "sad" she couldn't go to the party my dtwins went to last week,they're going to another this week.By your logic I should impose my dd on said children and their mothers X2 for what good reason???

I think not. Instead I'll kindly inform her it's life and there will be 100s of parties the boys and her friends in her class will get invited to that she won't. I'll let her see the bright side ie we've got a whole morning in which to have some girly time alone.

Bloody can't stand non twin mums treating twins like a bloody freak show. They're not,they're simply 2 siblings born on the same day,nothing special.

My sister has identical,I have non-identical twins neither will be traumatised or damaged by being separated for a morning.If they did I'd be seriously worried and looking into therapy.

kaumana · 11/06/2011 20:51

There are several twins in DS (Y7) year group; the siblings are in different classes (5 in a year). In the past/as now the kids invite their friends i.e. if friends with both twins invite them if not invite one. Some of the twins have individual parties and some have joint, in which I would send a present to each child.

I do not have twins and nor am I, however having had two sets of identical twins friends since the age of four I'll take their advice and treat the children as individuals. My friends will tell you the " oh mum why do I have to go to party, she's only inviting because of . and yes that would be aged 7.

A2363 · 11/06/2011 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

schmee · 12/06/2011 19:40

The clear difference between twins and other siblings is that other siblings wouldn't be likely to expect to be friends with someone in a different age group (in most circumstances). So there is a very clear reason why they not invited, whereas with twins the reason is basically that the party child likes their twin more. Which is fine. That's life. Different people like different people. But it doesn't mean that there isn't a degree of sensitivity involved. Which is for the parents of the twins to manage and worry about, not the parents of their classmates.

Dru77 · 12/06/2011 23:14

My twins are 6 and I have no problem with only one being invited to a party. They are individuals so I'd hate for them to be treated as a pair. They are in different classes so it happens a fair bit. Also having separate parties for them this year as girl wanted girly theme and boy wanted to run round shooting people.

proudfoot · 12/06/2011 23:27

I am a twin and I still remember one time when a girl invited only my sister to a party and not me. We were all good friends in the same friendship group. I felt so pissed off about it and I can still remember about 15 years later, so IMO it is not a nice thing to do.

Another time one girl came to the joint party of me and my sister, and gave a present only to my sister - the cheeky cow :o

proudfoot · 12/06/2011 23:27

not :o

Original poster

humptydumptynumptymumpty · 13/06/2011 20:43

Crikey, this kicked off a bit after I'd logged off!

Fwiw, I spoke to the mum and she said much the same as the mums of twins on here: it's fine, she'll be fine, actually I'd like to spend some time on my own with her cos I don't get much chance to normally.

Bandwitch - one of the twins is 'a girly-girl' (as dd puts it), and the other is 'a tomboy'. Dd is in a group of girls that play together & includes one twin; the other twin apparently normally plays with the boys.

I was worried that whatever we did would be wrong - that if we invited just one obviously the other may have felt left out and sad; or if we invited both twins then the one that doesn't normally play in that group would (as well as knowing she was only there because of her twin) feel lonely and sad (and poss bored) at a girly party. Can't imagine that'd be particularly pleasant for her either - and without knowing her I couldn't know which option would be better. Last year's party was much more of an active, suitable for boy-y boys and girly girls party (hence her looking sad), whereas this year it's more girly and she may well not fancy it anyway. We'd have invited her if her mum had appeared to think she would've been v upset, but it didn't sound like she thought it'd be a problem.

Anyway, thanks for the advice folks - I'm normally too shy to approach a mum in the playground that I don't know and ask that sort of thing, but you gave me a shove into doing it :)

OP posts:

kaumana · 13/06/2011 21:03

Thank for coming back, glad to hear it's all sorted out. Hope your DD has a great birthday party.

schmee · 13/06/2011 21:18

Well done you for talking to her - I know she will have appreciated it hugely. And you sound like a very nice person for being concerned about all this. Also, I really hope my boys' friends' mums do the same as you - i.e. don't just duck the issue by not inviting either twin.

Hope your DD has a fantastic party.

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