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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to only invite one of a pair of twins to a birthday party?

170 replies

humptydumptynumptymumpty · 09/06/2011 20:04

Dd is friends with one of a pair of identical twins. Last year I asked her who she wanted to invite and, being a crappy wohm didn't know who most of them were, just sent invites into school with the names on she'd said.

So one was brought by her mum... with her twin in tow looking a bit :(. Felt awful, but totally accidental.

This year, obv I know better - but the party is a bit tight for numbers, and really dd has to choose between inviting someone she's friends with and inviting the twin that she doesn't actually play with.

Anyone know what you do in this situation? Anyone with twins got an opinion?? (They're all 7 btw)

OP posts:
Mum2tigers · 09/06/2011 23:33

I have twins and like other mums-of-multiples already posted, it's perfectly right to only invite the twin with whom your child is friends. if humptydumptynumptymumpty is still uncertain, then would you consider having a quiet word with the twins-parent? to clarify that you want to treat the twins individually, you're not meaning to be unkind, that places are limited and that your dd would really love to have her friend at the party.

my kids have been invited because they're "the twins" and thus grouped together, also been invited separately - which has caused tears, but my kids are separate individuals so they have to learn and accept that they do not come as a unit! tough lesson for little kids, but that's part of parenting, right?

as already pointed out, you wouldn't invite all (different age) siblings, why would you do the same just because twins are the same age - they're still different and separate people.

for our birthdays, we've had joint and separate parties. we do a mix of separate invitations for their separate friends, joint invitations for joint friends. they prefer to receive individual presents ( but def wouldn't expect a pressie from their siblings' friends iyswim), 'cause they have different tastes and interests.

for other kids' birthdays, we give cards and presents from each twin too.

ps we've deliberately chosen to have our twins in separate classes, to encourage individuality for themselves and for others to not see them only as "the twins". i hate that people would consider them to come as one package.

Bunnynamedstanely · 09/06/2011 23:41

Valium, as many of the replies have come from mums who actually have mutiples it is really extremely a little rude to suggest that we don't care about the uninvited child. Parenting mutiples comes with some additional complex issues, IME most multiple parents spend a great deal of time and effort considering them.

LadyBeagleEyes · 09/06/2011 23:58

Well, speaking as an idendical twin (though all grown up now) I'd encourage them to have separate friends and as much individuality as possible.
Too many twins get treated as one person and I hated it when I was a child, I was never me, I was always the twin. My sister and I will always be close, but that's just a natural bond.
I suppose it would be how the twins feel. Would one be hurt by the other going?

valiumbandwitch · 10/06/2011 08:20

The "many complex issues" must trump common sense and children's feelings then. Right. Hmm

@Mumtotiger's, that'd be totally different because they're in different classes. Obviously that would not be cruel to invite one child and not the other in that situation where they were in different classes. It's not rocket science this. It's just thinking.

Some of the 'MUMSTOMULTIPLES' are getting too caught up in your 'complex issues'. The children might be twins but they are stilll 1) children who 2) live in the same house and 3) are in the same class and know the same children.

Common sense and sensitivity issues STILL apply to twins..

HushedTones · 10/06/2011 08:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

valiumbandwitch · 10/06/2011 08:33

AND...... (i'm not finished yet) talk about one twin being upset at having to go to the party of somebody who isn't a close friend is ridiculous. These kids are 7 and all in the same class at school. They're "all friends" up to a point. They all know each other well. They are together all day every day and they're used to that.

Some of you are so so caught up in the detail that these children are twins that you're overlooking the fact that they're 7.

That might be the case when they're 15! or 19 and at different universities!! but they're in the same class.

stealthsquiggle · 10/06/2011 08:41

Valium you are making the argument for a whole class party.

If you want to host whole class parties, fine - but if not then someone is going to be upset. What if you invite a DC and not the DC who lives next door? or who shares lifts to school? or the sibling in the year above/below who plays with that class? or any DC who otherwise has reason to know and observe at close quarters the fact that one of them has been invited and not the other? There is no answer that would satisfy your "common sense" Hmm argument except inviting the whole class and all their siblings.

Given that the OP is not inviting the whole class, the reasoning to uninvited twin is simple - "minihumpty's mum said she could only invite X people, so she had to choose. Everyone has to choose sometimes - now, it will be really nice to have some special time just with you - what shall we do while your DSis is at the party - shall we......."

I really don't see where your hysteria anxiety comes from.

savoycabbage · 10/06/2011 08:44

You don't know that the uninvited twin is going to 'have his nose rubbed in the fact he's not invited' by the invited twin.

Perhaps they are nice to each other in their family.

Perhaps the uninvited twin does not want to go to the party of a child they are not particularly friends with.

exoticfruits · 10/06/2011 08:51

YANBU I had this point on a thread about different classes.
If I had twins I would hate them being 'the twins' and would make a huge point of telling parents that they didn't always come together.
From the point of view of the twin it must be dreadful to be the one that has tag along in the interests of fairness.
Let you DC pick their own friends and if they only want one go with it.

GnomeDePlume · 10/06/2011 08:56

For goodness sake, they are sisters. Invite the friend. There is no reason to invite the whole damn household! At my DD's school there are children who have siblings in the same year (only 9-10 months apart). Should both siblings be invited just because they are siblings?

It is for the parent to work out what to do with the uninvited twin. Doing anything else is incredibly patronising towards the mother and assumes that her parenting skills arent sufficient to manage such a perfectly normal situation.

Morloth · 10/06/2011 08:59

DS1 has invited two children from his class to his birthday who are also twins.

The other two kids are in different classes at school and they don't play together. Why would we invite two kids DS1 doesn't actually know to his party? Especially given he was only allowed to choose 6 children.

Twins are not usually in the same class IME, I assumed this was done deliberately so that they didn't get labelled as 'The Twins'.

Surely it has nothing to do with popularity? It would all work out in the end with sometimes one twin invited and sometimes the other.

The OP hasn't said that these two are in the same class has she? I have read her posts but can't see where she has said that.

My friend has twin girls and loves it when one is invited somewhere and the other not, it gives her a chance to spend some one on one time with the child who isn't invited.

exoticfruits · 10/06/2011 08:59

I don't have class parties.If so it is a very good reason for splitting twins in classes then they have to get used to not tagging along with a sibling.

cantspel · 10/06/2011 09:18

This is a hard one as i know a set of twins where one of them is the outgoing very good at sports type. And the other is more quiet and not so outgoing and completly in the shadow of his twin.
I wouldn't invite one without the other for the simple reason i know that the first boy gets more invites as he is the popular one.

exoticfruits · 10/06/2011 09:29

In that case they would better split, getting out of the shadow with different classes and different friends. If you invite him you can't win-he is bound to feel he is tagging on.

NunTheWiser · 10/06/2011 09:31

At the DC's last school, DD1 had three sets of twins across 2 classes of 24. Policy was that siblings went into separate classes. In each case, whenever the issue came up, each parent of the twins said that it was fine to invite the child that DD1 was friends with and not the sibling. They said that it was very hard to get people to see them as individuals and that developing their own friends and social groups was very important.
OP, just have a quick word with the Mum or Dad and ask what they would rather you do.

cantspel · 10/06/2011 09:46

They are already in different classes and have been since primary but they still tend to share friends in the playground. Maybe it is a boy/football thing as all classes mix. Both of them like sport but one is much better than the other and so requested to play more, wanted on the popular groups team more sort of thing. Where the other is last to be picked and then gets shoved in goal.
If only one could be invited most of the kids would choose the first, not because they didn't like the second or never played with him but simply because the first is more the popular choice.
The second twin is not disliked just in the shadow of a much more dominant twin.

pigletmania · 10/06/2011 09:53

vallium that is rubbish! The twins are 7 not at preschool and should be old enough to understand that one of them is not friends with the party child so does not get invited, but he will probably get invites from his friends later on. It is no different to any other brother and sister, if you had to invite siblings you would be limited to how many friends party child can have. Don't worry just invite the twin your dd is friends with and explain to the mum. Maybe save other twin a bit of cake or something. That is part of life that the twins will have to get used to, as they grow older they may have different interests and friends

pigletmania · 10/06/2011 10:14

Just because they are in the same class does not mean they are friends together. No it does not work like that. I would hate to tag along with my sibling to a Childs party I was not particularly friends with

pigletmania · 10/06/2011 10:17

Yes they are twins but they are also individuals in their own right and as they go through life they will be treated more as individuals in terms of employment, partners, friends interests. It's getting them used to life they are not stuck to each other with glue

NewTeacher · 10/06/2011 10:19

this is interesting...in my DD's school they have 2 reception classes. One twin in each class.

When my DD had her birthday I only invited her class. The twins mum called me and asked if the other twin could come. I did feel it was rude to ask as I have an older sibling and would never ask if it was ok for him to come.

I should also add my DD is a September baby so hadnt been in school that long so didnt know the kids in the other class (hence not inviting them).

Both twins came and bought one present (which I thought was rude). Now its the twins birthday and my DD has been invited do I have to buy a present each when the two of them only bought 1 present??

I have 2 kids and they have their own friends and I feel that twins are individuals and should be treated as such. It would be rude and impolite of me to drag siblings along to parties when they havent been invited, so it should be the same for twins.

needanewname · 10/06/2011 10:19

Valium, my DD1 is 7, she has definite ideas about children she likes and others she's not so keen on. She would never set out to hurt one of her classmates but if she had a party and was only able to invite 10 she would argue why should twin x come instead of friend a?

brass · 10/06/2011 10:32

my DS is in a class with boy/girl twins. He plays with the boy but girl just isn't on the radar.

When he wanted to invite them for tea it became a drag to have the girl shadowing them around. Mostly they got on with it and she was just on the periphery.

In the end I plucked up the courage to ask the mum if it would be ok just to have the boy as girl got left out quite a bit. She was absolutely fine about it.

Wrt to parties mum is quite good and generous - always gets present from both children so when we go we buy a present each for them in return.

I don't think you should automatically feel obliged to invite a twin especially if the other one isn't even in the same class. As someone said siblings don't get invitationss so why should a twin who is after all a sibling.

brass · 10/06/2011 10:38

valium with your attitude I would probably avoid inviting either of your twins (if you have them).

If numbers are limited I wouldn't expect DS to forsake a good friend for someone's sibling.

pigletmania · 10/06/2011 10:41

I feel that the parents of multiples who treat them as one entity are doing them no favours at all eg the mum of the twins in the op. Instead of being upset about it she should have explained that John has different friends to James and that he will be invited to different parties etc

OhYesIWill · 10/06/2011 10:44

brass :o

I was looking for a suitable response to Valium. You found it.

So much handwringing about not making anyone feel left out, that nobody is thinking of the chiiiildren, that all animals must be equal. This isn't a novel, this is the real world and some animals are more equal than others!

One child gets invited to his friends party, his sibling/twin doesn't as he is not/not so much of a friend. Such is life, handwringing not necessary.