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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to only invite one of a pair of twins to a birthday party?

170 replies

humptydumptynumptymumpty · 09/06/2011 20:04

Dd is friends with one of a pair of identical twins. Last year I asked her who she wanted to invite and, being a crappy wohm didn't know who most of them were, just sent invites into school with the names on she'd said.

So one was brought by her mum... with her twin in tow looking a bit :(. Felt awful, but totally accidental.

This year, obv I know better - but the party is a bit tight for numbers, and really dd has to choose between inviting someone she's friends with and inviting the twin that she doesn't actually play with.

Anyone know what you do in this situation? Anyone with twins got an opinion?? (They're all 7 btw)

OP posts:
LindsayWagner · 10/06/2011 14:58

Scholes - let their mother teach them that. I'm sure she will have a kazillion opportunities to do so . Not your job.

In any case, although that is an important principle, I think you and others are using justify your (completely normal, we all do it all the farking time) desire to do the easiest thing/thing which suits you best.

LindsayWagner · 10/06/2011 14:59

Aanyways. Off to school.

MilaMae · 10/06/2011 14:59

Lindsay the vast majority of posters saying twins don't need special treatment are twin mums ie the best people to know how to handle twin issues.

As a twin mum and aunty I'm sorry I get cross with people treating them any differently than other sibling children.I have non twin children and twins they all need to be treated the same ie not get party invites just because their sibling got one.

I don't get how teaching twins that they're uber beings,always need to do the same as their twin and mummy will get you invited to parties of children you don't even play with is beneficial.

pigletmania · 10/06/2011 14:59

In that situation even if dd had only been friends with one of them, I would still have invited both as they are only little, but at 7 they are old enough to understand basics about friendships

lockets · 10/06/2011 15:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhYesIWill · 10/06/2011 15:03

"Now son, it's your big day, you only get to have a 7th birthday and a 7th birthday party once in your life. But, you can only have a party if you invite twin2 along with twin1. Yes, I know you don't really like him. Now come along, choose which of your friends you want to cross off the list to make room for him. We mustn't hurt twin2's feelings, even if it fucks up your party hurts yours".

Really?

Are you sure? Hmm

Similarly:

"I know honey, but you can't invite all the girls and not her. You must invite her, regardless of that she bullies you and she's hit and kicked you. You mustn't exclude the bully. Your feelings aren't as important as hers."

I don't think so!

verytellytubby · 10/06/2011 15:07

As a mum of identical twin boys, just invite the twin she plays with. My boys are in seperate classes and used to not being invited (they are 6). It's life and I'm desperate for my boys to be treated as individuals so can't moan when only one is invited.

swanriver · 10/06/2011 15:13

YANBU. Otherwise my twins wouldn't get invited to many parties! They are in different classes, and have different friends. Why would I expect both twins to be invited every time? I wouldn't be very popular....
One gets invited to far more parties. Yes it is a bit upsetting, occasionally, but that's life. And they develop their own interests accordingly.
I've noticed how kind people are, and when I give a joint party (inviting friends for each child, not jointly ifysim) or individual parties, people will often bring presents for both children, which to me is above and beyond the call of duty.

I've never expected people to have both twins to a playdate, and never expected them to invite both to parties. Since they were about two.

Sapphirefling · 10/06/2011 15:13

I have ID twins and I probably have a slightly different perspective to amny of the other twin mums who've posted. I can't actually envisage a scenario (at the present time) when only one of them would be invited to a party because THEY are each others best friends, so any other child, is by default, friends with both of them. Thet are incredibly sociable kids, they are in the same class (there only is 1 in their year) and because it's quite a small class, they all tend to play together. I think there ARE diffenece between ID twin dynamics and those of other siblings. My 2 wear different clothes, have different hairstyles, have different 'favourite' toys and games but at the end of the day, their relationship is unique to them and is incredibly close. I don't have a problem at all with the notion of a child not being invited to a party if they aren't friendly with the child (twin or otherwise) but I DO think that ID twins bring a unique dynamic.

schmee · 10/06/2011 15:21

I think parents of twins who ask that they both be invited are really wrong, and are potentially risking their kids not getting invited to anything.

On the other hand, I know that there are some children who like one of my boys more, but whom both DTSs consider to be a friend. My job to help them work through it, but that's why a heads up would be welcome. That said, they are going into separate classes so hopefully this will stop being a problem.

nickelbabe · 10/06/2011 15:28

another thing, vallium

your post about wanting to make sure you don't offend anyoen when you pick friends for your DD's party - you invite all the girls or only half of the girls?
what happens if your DD is friends with a boy? or more than one boy?
then her friends will be left out of the party because they don't fit your "inclusive" criteria.

nickelbabe · 10/06/2011 15:36

ooh, i didn't get as far as Lindsey's posts. Blush

you too, then Lindsey
I don't get why you're assuming the twin not invited to this party is never invited to any parties.
why would this be the case, unless the other twin was a complete git?

so what happens when uninvited-twin is invited to a party that invited-twin is not invited to?
is that fair then?
because now it's even.
and if the twins were both invited this time, and the other twin was invited on her own next time, then it's uneven again.

much better to allow children to choose their own guests regardless.
why should you invite someone you're not friends with?

I remember a thread not long ago, where a boy had to invite a friend and his friend's friend, even though the friend's friend picked on the the son.
that's not fair, is it!

thisisyesterday · 10/06/2011 15:41

it strikes me that here, as with so many other things, the people most "offended" by this are in fact being offended on behalf of other people. That is to say, they are not twins, nor do they have twins, they have simply decided it must be bad to leave one out

i think nearly without exception all the parents of twins, and people who have a twin have said they would WANT to be treated as an individual and would not expect an invitation simply because they are a twin

why can other people not read this and understand that perhaps these people have more insight into it than they do?

thisisyesterday · 10/06/2011 15:43

also, say I have a limit of 8 children for a party

DS1 may want to invite one twin from each of the sets in his class (there are 2 sets)
so i must invite their twins, that's 4 kids

what if 2 other people he wants have a "very best friend" too? now I have to invite their friends so they dont' feel left out

my child now has a party where only half the guests are people he wants there and the other half are children he doesn't like, doesn't play with and doesn't want to spend time with

why would you make your own child unhappy simply to allow another child to be spoiled?
it's really quite bizarre

stealthsquiggle · 10/06/2011 15:48

nickelbabe don't even get me started on "all girls" parties [pet peeve]. DS is off to a party where I don't really know birthday child (new to school) but given a limit of 8 including herself she invited 4 boys and 3 girls so that it is even.

I like her already (and it was all birthday girl's doing, as well - this is one seriously assertive 9yo and no-one chose her guest list but her Grin)

whyohwine · 10/06/2011 16:05

I have 7yo twin girls. I would not mind this if it was justifable. In fact I am keen to encourage it because I worry they might miss out on things if people feel they have to invite two. Also, it is unusual for them to get one on one time and this is a way of getting that. In fact it has only happened twice (altohugh it was the same twin uninvited in both cases). The first time the uninvited child did not mind when the invites came though as she was not friendly with the boy in question and the whole class was not invited. She was a little upset when we dropped her twin off but not for long. The second time she was more upset. This was a small trip to the theatre to which 3 girls were invited (in addition to the birthday girl). Birthday girl and invited twin are best friends. Although the uninvited twin acknowledged that she is less friendly with the birthday girl, she was upset becuase she wanted to see the play in question (we had been talking about going anyway) and felt that she was just as friendly with the birthday girl as one of the other girls who did get invited. In the end she did get invited becuase one of the other girls could not make it.

Both times, if the parents had asked me I would have said it was fine to invite one only. In other situations I might mind a bit on behalf of uninvited twin, if I found it hard to explain to the uninvited twin why they were not invited (e.g. becuase they are equally friendly with the birthday child - they do have quite a lot of friends in common, it is just best friends who are different).

exoticfruits · 10/06/2011 16:16

a bunch of 7 year olds all in the same class all have the same friends

This is utterly ridiculous. They don't-and apart from cost-is one of my reasons for not having a whole class party. DCs have particular friends even when they first start.
I limited the number my DCs had and left it completely up to them. If they were friendly with one twin, I would have one twin.
If the mother is upset that is her problem-she will have eventually to realise that she has to explain to her DCs that just because they are siblings and born on the same day they can't always have and do the same.
If I was the mother of twins I would be doing it from the the start-and would hate them being 'a job lot'.

chutneypig · 10/06/2011 16:30

Another twin mum here. I was genuinely glad when only one was invited to a party. Not so much about the individuality side, they're B/G, but because it's going to happen and the quicker they get used to it the better. That's the way things go and I don't want friends' parents agonising over it. Even at 3 they dealt with it, I wouldn't say they were thrilled but no problems to speak of.

I'm not sure whether the parents at the parties even knew - at their own third birthday quite a lot of the other parents didn't realise they were twins.

exoticfruits · 10/06/2011 16:51

If I was the mother of twins I would be thrilled if only one was invited.I would do things like send them to stay a night with Granny on their own. Any other sibling has to learn early on that they will not be able to go to the same parties.

boysmum2 · 10/06/2011 16:53

I've got id twins and they don't get invited to the same parties.

That's life I'm afraid!

MrsDaffodill · 10/06/2011 17:51

I have two twins in my house right now because one cried because he was not invited - only the one in my child's class was. I felt too mean not to extend the invitation as it is just a play date.

The two twins are playing beautifully and completely excluding my child! Not a great result from my point of view. Sorry to anyone who thinks I am cruel, but it will not be happening again. My child has been stoic but on the verge of tears all afternoon, not fair to be left out in your own house.

stealthsquiggle · 10/06/2011 18:20

MrsD that is my concern about DD's friends who are twins. They are B/G, but DD is genuinely equally friends with both and desperate to invite them to play - but 3 is not a good number for a playdate.

Fortunately (sort of) DD is bossy assertive so it is more likely to be one of the two visitors who is excluded (should I ever get around to arranging) but still not good.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 10/06/2011 18:24

According to Valium's "party invitation rules" here,

  1. children who 2) live in the same house and 3) are in the same class and know the same children.

My boys should always both get an invitation to parties. They are not twins, but are in the same class (small village primary, mixed year groups). Or is there an exception? Do you actually have to be born on the same day for this to apply?

linklonk · 10/06/2011 18:46

Our childen have always been invited not just as a pair of twins but their siblings also. That works very well for us and must do for those that invite us. Maybe there are parties that they both/all get excluded from but they don't know about that so it doesn't bother them. They still have enough parties to enjoy and I get the impression that the mix of ages adds somethingl to the party - children don't always play best with those the same age.
btw my twelve year olds had a whale of a time at a party full of four year olds, so it works both ways. Sometimes it pays to just do what you think best and assume your children will be happy with it.

exoticfruits · 10/06/2011 19:07

We haven't had the problem- but 3 is a crowd in a friendship and I would have thought DCs would want one twin, otherwise they would be the one left out.