to only invite one of a pair of twins to a birthday party?

[humptydumptynumptymumpty]

Dd is friends with one of a pair of identical twins. Last year I asked her who she wanted to invite and, being a crappy wohm didn't know who most of them were, just sent invites into school with the names on she'd said.

So one was brought by her mum... with her twin in tow looking a bit :(. Felt awful, but totally accidental.

This year, obv I know better - but the party is a bit tight for numbers, and really dd has to choose between inviting someone she's friends with and inviting the twin that she doesn't actually play with.

Anyone know what you do in this situation? Anyone with twins got an opinion?? (They're all 7 btw)

really Lindsay???
so, at DS1's birthday I should have invited the very best friend of one of the boys he invited? just so he didn't feel left out
regardless of the fact that he's a really unpleasant child who has bullied ds1?

i know i'm bringing extra factors into this now.. but really, you'd invite children that your child isn't friends with simply because they're close to someone else who is invited?

Being twins in the same class is not the same as being siblings. Siblings - because it is the usual way these things are done - are used to not being invited to the same parties - because parties are almost always limited to children of the same age as the birthday child. In fact, that's the explanation I always give if my younger or elder child isn't invited to a party, even though they might play happily together when at each other's houses.

As I said, it's much more like excluding one of a set of best friends (I know they may not necessarily be best friends) who also belong to a wider group.

Thing is, also - I'd have thought you'd not want to risk hurting the feelings of a child, if you can possibly avoid it. And you've got to teach your kids to empathise with others even if, by strict logic or previous precedent, you'd not be 'in the wrong' by not doing so. And one extra child can always be accommodated I'd have thought?

Yes, I really would thisisyesterday, except in the circs you describe where the child has disqualified himself. Does that seem odd to you?

I don't like the idea of a child being hurt. I was reasonably popular as a child, but can still remember the pain of being left out (inexplicably, to me) and it dented my confidence. DS was part of a group of boys whose mothers all know each other via older siblings, but aren't close to me. He's been consistently left out of outings and teas, and - although I'm able to offer him a hug and a rational explanation of why this is - it hasn't stopped his hurt.

I just don't want to be responsible for that if I can possibly avoid it. And I usually can, with a bit of wriggling and juggling.

"It's not your job to sort out the challenge inherent in having twins of ensuring their seen as individuals - it's to do the right thing by a seven-year-old."

Yes, Lindsay.

Your 7 year old. Not the twin brother of any other goddamned 7 year old who might otherwise throw a wobbler if he doesn't get an invitation and his own way. And Your 7 year old shouldn't be made to drop from the guest list a friend he does want there to accomodate someone he doesn't. Neither should he have to put up with a child he dislikes because that child is the twin of a guest.

Anything else is a load of pc inclusion bollocks!

lockets - for that reason I do cheap birthday parties at home, where child gets to invite about half the class (so that it' snot just a few who are left out) or, as they get older, more expensive 'treats' with only, say, 1 or 2 friends, where it's obvious that numbers are limited by cost.

My friends have twins and they are often invited to different birthday parties. My DD would love to invite just one of them round, but since we have known both of them since nursery she - and I - feel that we can't leave one out. Fine in your situation though.

Goodness me kids these days have to have some gumption how will they learn life is not fair. I was the kid being left out at school, I was then strange (now would be quirky), with loads of eczema everywhere. I used to be overlooked for party invites a lot, yes it hurt but had to deal with it.

It's not 'pc inclusion bollocks' not to want to hurt a child's feelings. It's really, you know, not.

I understand that numbers are limited - though see my last about that - but you all seemed to be arguing 'bugger their twin-ness, it means nothing' on principle. And I don't agree.

Farking hell, MN's got a bit brutal and individualist, hasn't it? 'I'll teach my kids to look out for themselves and bugger everyone else' kinda thing? I blame the Coalition.

My sister is 12 months older than me (Irish twins) and as young children we were both usually invited to her friends' parties.

I vividly remember several times when I was not invited to the party of one of her friends, but Mum got me all dressed up in a party frock, with wrapped up present in hand, and took me to the door of the party with big Sis, in the expectation that it must have been an error that I wasn't invited......

Happened several times....

I was of course mortified each time , but this was obviously the fault of my Mum's behavior, not the party Mum's.

Interestingly there was never any problem with my friends not inviting big sis to their parties....

I suppose my point is that its up to the parents to normalise the situation, rather than worsen it. Not a big deal, unless it's made out to be.

Of course kids need to learn to have gumption, toughen up, learn life's not fair etc. I'm just slightly taken aback by the gusto with which some of you seem to embrace the opportunity to teach them those big life lessons.

I would have thought that was the parents' job. I think yours is just to do what looks like the least-wrong thing, where you can, given that you don't really know what the score is within that particular family.

Lindsay it's bollocks to let your decisions be governed by not wanting to upset a child. It may be that the child's reason for being upset is not reasonable, ie expecting to be invited to a party of someone you're not particularly close to just because a family member is. My two DSs are very close, and the younger one feels quite lonely when the older one is out in town/at the cinema with his friends. But, he has to understand they're not his close friends and the older DS wants his own space from time to time. Your logic would suggest I make younger DS tag along because otherwise he'd be upset.

I invited a twin without his twin brother. so know how you feel. It was early days of reception and I didn't know he was a twin! His mum was really off about it too. She said "why can't I bring Tony as well?" and I had to ask who Tony was!!

I do always have them both to parties now. It does throw the numbers but I know the mother prefers it.

So I guess my answer is that you should ask the mother what she prefers and go with that. If she prefers they both come, then that is what I would advise doing.

But Lindsay, a well brought up, un-pandered to child whose parent/s don't have a PFB attitude or sense of entitlement and who don't make a big thing of it or indulge any showing off about it is unlikely to have those hurt feelings.

And certainly not by the age of seven for goodness sakes!

No-one knows the score in anyone else's family and it's wrong to try to second guess.

That is why you either do a class party and invite everyone in the class, or just invite a certain number of children like lockers so there is no one or two left out. it is a good life lesson for the twins, why are theyvdufferent to any other siblings. You would not normally invite the siblings as well. Like another poster has said who is part of an identical twin, that she would liked to have been treated as an individual and not just be referred to as twin

Scholes - that's your child, so that's your job. You can judge the nuance, and of course you need to give equal weight to the needs of your older child.

When it's not your child, I think you a) show your own child that his/her actions might cause unintended hurt, and let's try and avoid that if possible b) behave kindly, as an adult who can (or should be able) to see the possible collateral hurt.

If it's not possible it's not possible - all circumstances are different. But that doesn't mean that those principles aren't valid, or should be dismissed.

What if the other poster who was a twin was the one not invited? See, I'm looking at things from the perspective of the excluded one (see first post)

When DS, wanted to invite the whole class to his 5th birthday party, except for one boy, I told him no, we are inviting everyone.

I think if you are having all the girls in the class, bar the one not so popular girl, then the DD needs to be told, that they are being mean and it is not acceptable. However, if its a select small party, it is not hurtful.

If numbers are tight, and your daughter is not friends with the other twin, then I think it is fine.

I'd personally invite both twins, to save that guilty feeling though.....

I haven't read the whole thread but I would probably only invite the twin she is friends with. You wouldn't invite siblings normally so I don't see it as different.

If you have twins though, I wonder would it offend/bother you if one twin was invited and one not? And if so, why? All the mums of twins I know seem keen for their twins to be treated as individuals and are often in separate classes at school and develop different friendships etc.

Lindsay It's at this age the children need to start to realise that they're responsible for making their own friendships, not their parents, and sometimes you don't get to do something or tag along just because your mum makes it happen, just in the same way that I don't force my two DSs to be in each others pockets all the time.

Again, Lockets, those are your children, so your rules. The twins in question are not your children, or the OPs.

If this is brushed under the carpet, she will be teaching her children not to be considerate of others' feelings. Obviously, sometimes in life, principles conflict with one another, but in this instance I think consideration for the feelings of others overrides the 'life's not fair' one and the 'it's your party, so you get to choose' one.

A few months ago I did invite both twins to dd 4th party but they are at preschool so slightly different and dd likes both of them