to only invite one of a pair of twins to a birthday party?

[humptydumptynumptymumpty]

Dd is friends with one of a pair of identical twins. Last year I asked her who she wanted to invite and, being a crappy wohm didn't know who most of them were, just sent invites into school with the names on she'd said.

So one was brought by her mum... with her twin in tow looking a bit :(. Felt awful, but totally accidental.

This year, obv I know better - but the party is a bit tight for numbers, and really dd has to choose between inviting someone she's friends with and inviting the twin that she doesn't actually play with.

Anyone know what you do in this situation? Anyone with twins got an opinion?? (They're all 7 btw)

Excuse me for interrupting, but is there a website that's good for twins?
A friend of mine has just found out she is having twins and is a little overwhelmed!
Is there anywhere she can have a good chat and advice?

There's a multiple births topic here on MN. Go to Talk, then Being a Parent and scroll down. :)

I was in the same situation last year. There were twins in my daughter's class, one was really sweet and lovely to my daughter while the other bullied her (DD has Asperger's - not easy for her!).

For her 7th birthday I invited both and the twin she didn't like caused havoc.

For her 8th, I told her to invite both or neither. She invited neither and was upset. Now reading your replies I realise I should have invited the twin she's friendly with.

Thank goodness the twins have now moved to a different school so I won't be in same dilemma again!

My dd has id twins in her year at school. They are in seperate classes and my daughter just invited the one she is friends with to her party. The girls mum encourages this as she wants the girls to be indivduals.

Well that's a charming response Brass. Very mature. That's a mature - Not. So I'll sink to your level and respond accordingly. I pity your multiples. You're all so busy treating them as individuals that you can't recognise that that's at the expense of treating them kindly.

A bunch of 7 year olds in the same class all have the same friends. It's just a degree of friendship. They should be protected by their parents from upset and party politics.

They should not be deliberately and willfully subjected to exclusion and party politics because they are twins, and then told it's a lesson.

I think you should all refer back to the OP's first post and read paragraph two. READ it. That is my final word on the subject because it's getting boring and "if i were having a party I wouldn't invite your kids Valium" is not good debate.

Vallium they are individuals and will be treated in life as individuals. They will go to different job interview probably have different friends and interests. And what rubbish about being friends with everyone in class, no they are not, not everyone will like every child in the class it how it works. It's not about politics it's about reality! They two separate individuals not one person

Party politics? I'd argue that all this politically-correct inclusion bolllocks which says that we mustn't upset some indulgent parent or their precious child's ego by telling him that no, that he can't always have everything he wants, even if someone else has it is the far greater example of party politics.

I hated some of the kids in my class at middle school they were horrid bullies. So no just because children are in the sane class does not mean they all like each other and are friends how wrong

oh dear I think I've upset valium.

y a w n

I don't see an issue if one child is a friend and the other is not. 5 year old DD understands that the reason she isn't invited to X's party is because she isn't X's friend!! It becomes more knotty if one child is a good friend and one a "not quite so good" friend.

IME Valium, as someone who is an identical twin, I would have loved to have been in separate classes and be encouraged to make individual friends.
It didn't happen in those days, and I remember being at High School and still being called twin even when I was leaving school, as people couldn't be arsed learning our names (and my sister left school for college a year before me!)
By our late teens we did everything we could to look different, I love my sister, we have an unbreakable bond as I think most twins do, but we are still two separate people.
I think the way schools are puttting children into separate classes with separate friends is brilliant, I wish they had done it for us.

"a bunch of 7 year olds all in the same class all have the same friends"

err, not necessarily.

my 4 year old has friends at pre-school. and lots of other children that she knows.

if she was going to have a party, she would invite her friends. not all of the children. you know, the ones she actually plays with, not just a child who has the peg next to hers.

it does not necessarily follow that the whole class are all friends with each other - really? all 30 of them are bestest pals?

it is not unkind to not invite a child you are not particularly friendly with to your party. it is unkind if it is a supposedly whole-class party, but only one child is left out, but that is not happening.

if the party is tight on numbers, and there are more than a couple of children in the class not being invited, then it is absolutely fine to choose to invite your actual friends. and not have to leave out one of your actual friends in order to invite a friend's sibling who you know, who happens to be in the same class, but with whom you have nothing in common, and don't actually play with.

"a bunch of 7 year olds all in the same class all have the same friends"

don't be so ridiculous! of course they don't.

ds1 is 6, and he certainly isn't friends with everyone in his class. he doesn't invite everyone to his parties and he doesn't go to all of their parties. there are definitely several "groups" of boys who tend to stick together within the class.

he has had a couple of invites to whole class parties and has said he doesn't want to go because he is not friends with the person whose birthday it is

over-inclusion is a fairly new trend I think, and it's not a good thing

Valium thanks for your mature and considered response to my last post. I always appreciate when people involved in a measured and interesting debate take the time to consider the other participants points of view and take the benefit of their experience and research in a specialist area of parenting even if you don't then agree with their conclusions.

The alternative is to be the only poster on a thread agressively and somewhat hysterically screeching about the poor, heartbroken, babies..... and that would be mystifying and unpleasant for everyone else.

oh and re the OP's second paragraph... that is life!

when ds1 had his party someone came along and his younger brother was in hysterics because he couldn't come

what is the difference? should we invite ALL siblings to ALL parties regardless of the cost and whether the birthday child likes/knows them?

We have 5 (or is it 6?) sets of twins in the year group I work in, over three classes. Some are in class with their sibling, others not. They are definitely not always invited to the same parties

I think it is always okay to invite just your child's friends to the party and not have to invite a sibling, even if they are a twin.

Obviously if the non-inviteeis the only one not invited int he class or the only boy not invited, or whatever - well, that is different and not on.

But if birthday child is only inviting, say, 6 children, then they shouldn't feel they have to invite a sibling jut because they are a twin.

You can't have it both ways vallium - if the twin thing is 'just a detail' and they are 'children first, twins second' then answer this - would you really invite every sibling of your children's friends to their parties too? Would you expect all your children to be invited to the parties of a friend of only one of them? No? - then your thinking is woolly and illogical, and can be safely disregarded. Yes? - then you are doing your children no favours by raising them with such a sense of entitlement.

Either way, you're talking crap and you know it :) HTH

"a bunch of 7 year olds all in the same class all have the same friends"

Not always at all! Especially in a class of 30. There will be some children who don't get on, some children who never play with one anothr through choice, and some who arebest buddies. But I can definitely say that there will be few 7y children who is friends with all 29 other children in their class.

This is the OP's second paragraph:
So one was brought by her mum... with her twin in tow looking a bit . Felt awful, but totally accidental.

---

This can happen with any sibling, especially younger siblings. But you can't go inviting all siblings can you?

I'm a Mum of twins & I would hate to think people feel they have to invite both of them to parties. It's good for twins to get used to doing things apart too.
Just invite the one your child plays with ! :)

I think I would do what I would do with a 'pair' of friends, which is, as Valium does, to invite both or neither - because the hurt of the one not invited will be exacerbated by her close relationship to the one who is.

Lots of you are speaking from the perspective of the invited twin - who of course would love to do something on her own. But her potential pleasure, as I see it, is less powerful an argument than the potential pain of the one who is left out. It's not your job to sort out the challenge inherent in having twins of ensuring their seen as individuals - it's to do the right thing by a seven-year-old.
As I see it.

By the age of 7, they really should be behaving as individuals, but it will all come down to the attitude of the parents. At our school, it's totally the decision of the parents of twins as to whether they want them to be in the same class or not. My DS is friends with two sets of twins. With one, the girl doesn't feature, as he's going through a not wanting anything to do with girls phase. With the other set, they are in different classes, but he's friendlier with the twin in the other class, purely because of their football interests. The mum has always dealt with them as individuals. Another friend has identical twin girls. They are (currently) best friends with each other, so any decision around inviting these two girls would probably be straightforward as they definitely do have the same close circle of friends. It is unreasonable of a mother or father to expect a sibling to be invited along, when they wouldn't necessarily appear on the original invitation list and to ask is downright rude and to turn up with just one present under these circumstances just inexcusable.

Just invite the one she is friends with.

Does anyone usually invite other siblings as well?