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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be furious that a male nursery worker took DD to the toilet today

1005 replies

heyhoplaydough · 09/06/2011 15:24

I have always felt that it is inappropriate for male members of staff to change babies nappies or take young children to the toilet without a female chaperone. As a paediatric nurse I know that it is common policy for male doctors, nurses and other healthcare professionals to have a female chaperone present when examining or carrying out treatments on children, if their parents are not present. Adult female patients are also given female chaperones during examinations where they are undressed. This is to protect their dignity and to spare embarrassment on both sides.

Why are these basic measures not in place in childcare settings?

On joining this specific nursery, I was assured that only female members of staff change nappies or take children to the toilet. I explicitly wrote in my DD's file, that she is only to be changed or taken to the toilet by female members of staff. Each time she has moved up to a new room within the nursery I have explicitly told her key carers the same.

I regularly ask my DD whether she went to the toilet and who took her, along with other questions about her day, like who she played with, what activities she did, what she had for lunch etc. Today she told me that the only male member nursery nurse took her to the toilet, without any other staff. She also said that she wiped herself and pulled her own knickers up, and does not seem at all upset, so I am confident that nothing untoward happened. However, I feel this was entirely inappropriate, and there were several female members of staff available to take DD to the toilet instead. I am absolutely furious that my wishes as her parent were not followed. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
BimboNo5 · 09/06/2011 16:35

Could you link me to this policy OP?

valleyqueen · 09/06/2011 16:35

My CM was registered alongside her husband it never ever bothered me, her dad was not around and I was pleased she had a positive male role model for the first 6 years. He was fantastic with her.

YABATWAT

Bucharest · 09/06/2011 16:37

OP- I don't think you've yet answered the many posters who have asked about your daughter's male relatives.....

We await with bated breath. (and the odd penguin dangling)

Nixea · 09/06/2011 16:38

Reminds me of a kid on another threat who ended up soiling herself because the only member of staff available was male and she was afraid to ask after her the hoohah her mum made over it.

What a thoroughly pleasant, rational and desirable to raise a child Hmm

Rhinestone · 09/06/2011 16:38

YANBU at all because you stated your wish in writing. If the nursery had a problem with your request then they should have objected at the outset. The issue is them not complying with your wishes and not even informing you that they couldn't comply with your wishes - a big breach of trust in my opinion.

K9999 · 09/06/2011 16:38

PMSL about the penguins!

OP Are you serious? Or are you trolling? Surely no-one really thinks like this?

altinkum · 09/06/2011 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

culturemulcher · 09/06/2011 16:38

Besides your strange view that all men are dangerous, would you rather your DD stood with her legs crossed, possibly having an accident while she waited for a female member of staff to be free take her to the toilet?

TandB · 09/06/2011 16:40

Glad it wasn't just me, Boo!

My mum didn't have the suspicious attitude, but she did like to know everything and was in favour of Open Discussions on sensitive subjects.

I remember when we had the school talk about periods and were given free tampax started packs. I hid mine in the toilets as I couldn't face the Open Discussion about periods that would ensue! So my friend's mum told her about the talk and I got a whole list of Loaded Questions about what had happened at school that day, anything unusual? Any interesting talks? Oh really, what was that about? And did they give you anything? And what happened to it? And why did you do that? And all gearing up to "I am most put out that the school didn't tell us that this talk was taking place so that I could have an Open Discussion with you first'.

Cue squirmy embarrasment feeling.

BimboNo5 · 09/06/2011 16:40

OMG I didnt get a chaperone when the FEMALE nurse did my smear test- she could have tried to have her way with me! PERVERT!!!

bupcakesandcunting · 09/06/2011 16:45

My mother also has this weird attitude and I fucking HATE it. She does various stuff like shrieks at my son for running about in the nude in his OWN BLOODY HOME, in case someone sees him nude through the window Hmm, she came with me to drop DS at pre-school one morning and I could see her eyesliding the male student teacher (so I made a massive point of gushing about it to the pre-school head practioner "how WONDERFUL for the children to have a male carer! What a good message it sends out, especially to the boys! whilst mother stood twitching like a loon) I do NOT want this attitude rubbing off on my son, thank you very much.

BimboNo5 · 09/06/2011 16:47

Mine is the same, she tells my kids not to be 'dirty' if they roll around on the settee nekkid. They are 6 and 4 ffs not 36

wannaBe · 09/06/2011 16:48

I don't think any parent should be allowed to stipulate that only women care for their child. In fact I'm pretty sure that even if a parent made this request the nursery would legally not be able to comply since doing so is sex discrimination and is, in fact, illegal.

bupcakesandcunting · 09/06/2011 16:49

Rolling round on the sofa naked at 36 is dirty?

Rhinestone · 09/06/2011 16:49

But the point is, however U the OP was by requesting this in the first place, the nursery AGREED! If they objected, and I'm astonished they didn't, then they should have said at the time that they could not accommodate such a request.

DISCLAIMER - I do not agree with the OP vis a vis male carers taking children to the loo BUT I do think she has a right to be very angry over what has happened.

bupcakesandcunting · 09/06/2011 16:50

The point is that the OP is a fanny.

HeidiKat · 09/06/2011 16:51

Good point wannaBe, can you imagine the furore if a man was to stipulate at a garage that he did not want a female mechanic, albeit fully qualified, working on his car?

BooyHoo · 09/06/2011 16:51
Hmm
wannaBe · 09/06/2011 16:52

I'm fairly sure they didn't agree.

~Just as I'm fairly sure the op isn't a paediatric nurse.

Or probably even has a child for that matter.

K9999 · 09/06/2011 16:52

Could it be possible that the nursery staff are so offended by the OPs request that they encouraged the male worker to take the child to the bathroom knowing that the chances are the mother would kick up a fuss and remove her child from their care?

A case of 'problem solved' methinks! Wink

QuintessentialOldMoo · 09/06/2011 16:52

I thought sexual discrimination was against the law?

Yabu. And ignorant.

wonka · 09/06/2011 16:52

Bonkers... Just Bonkers!
So all men should be supervised changing children?
Where does that leave fathers/ grandfathers?

booge · 09/06/2011 16:52

Two words, Vanessa George. Using your logic all nursery workers should take children to the loo in pairs.

Rhinestone · 09/06/2011 16:54

The OP is certainly a bit of a fanny Grin but the nursery should have told her she was being a fanny at the point she made her fannying request.

As it happens, they have pretended that they think her request is completely non-fanny whilst secretly planning to ignore it due to its obvious fannying nature.

They should have been upfront - that's all I'm saying.

PinotGrigiosKittens · 09/06/2011 16:54

Your poor daughter.

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