To be furious that a male nursery worker took DD to the toilet today

[heyhoplaydough]

I have always felt that it is inappropriate for male members of staff to change babies nappies or take young children to the toilet without a female chaperone. As a paediatric nurse I know that it is common policy for male doctors, nurses and other healthcare professionals to have a female chaperone present when examining or carrying out treatments on children, if their parents are not present. Adult female patients are also given female chaperones during examinations where they are undressed. This is to protect their dignity and to spare embarrassment on both sides.

Why are these basic measures not in place in childcare settings?

On joining this specific nursery, I was assured that only female members of staff change nappies or take children to the toilet. I explicitly wrote in my DD's file, that she is only to be changed or taken to the toilet by female members of staff. Each time she has moved up to a new room within the nursery I have explicitly told her key carers the same.

I regularly ask my DD whether she went to the toilet and who took her, along with other questions about her day, like who she played with, what activities she did, what she had for lunch etc. Today she told me that the only male member nursery nurse took her to the toilet, without any other staff. She also said that she wiped herself and pulled her own knickers up, and does not seem at all upset, so I am confident that nothing untoward happened. However, I feel this was entirely inappropriate, and there were several female members of staff available to take DD to the toilet instead. I am absolutely furious that my wishes as her parent were not followed. Am I being unreasonable?

I have had lots of internal examinations by men where there is no female chaperone present. I have occasionally being asked if I want one, but I don't think a female chaperone is as widespread as you seem to think.

Yabvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvu first to interogate your poor dd and instilling her a fear of men.

To also think that all men are pedophiles. It can be ladies too ever heard of Melissa George. What would you do if you had a son

SOH, I think you need to go live on an island, surrounded by fowers and pretty things.

The thing about putting your children into someone elses care is that you have to trust them. You just have to. Or you will go mad.

I'd like to add my voice to those in support of the male nursery worker. I intensely dislike attitudes like the OP's.

The real problem is that the Nursery should have made it clear upfront that they could not agree to the OP's request.

I feel sorry for her daughter having to grow up with those suspicions swirling around all the time. I notice the OP has not responded to all those questions about her male relatives, etc.

Seriously OP? I mean, seriously?!

OP, at least answer some of the many questions raised e.g. about whether you hold the same ridiculous views if it were to be reversed (i.e. DS being taken to the loo by a female member of staff).

Also, re your point about their not following your stipulations, they clearly have tried hard to in the past to follow them (you say "each time she's moved up", so I take it she's gone from the equivalent of baby through to pre-school or some such?). Maybe there was only a male member of staff available. Would you rather she wet herself?

I think you need to go visit a mental health ward for adolescents to get used ot what it will be like when you have to visit your daughter there when she is older as that is where she will end up if you carry on behaving like this.

YABU - if i ran your nursery and you requested such a thing i would have refused your child. I think yabu and should keep your child at home with only you to toilet her if your so worried .

All men are potential paedos. Especially them ones what works in nurserys. You're foolish assuming it's just the ones with bowties and braces....

YAB RIDICULOUSLY U.

Dooinmecleanin - I was just trying to imagine having that same conversation with 2 year old DS!

Who took you to the toilet today?
Bits! In da pants!
Yes, DS, I know your bits are in your pants. Who put them there?
Bits. In da sky!
No, DS, your bits are not in the sky. Now about the toilet.....
Mowing! In da pants!
[panicking about strange practices at nursery]. Who was mowing in your pants?
Mowing. Mowing in da grass. Mowing in da sky.
Forget the mowing. About the toilet.....
Mumma do it!
No, dS, it wasn't mumma. Who was it?
Mumma do mowing. In da sky.

This takes the frickin'

You have MAJOR ISHOOOOOOS OP.

And the sad fact is you are instilling an unnatural fear in your dd that all men are to be suspected of doing bad things. Can I ask, what does your dd's father think of this? Is he also paranoid and slightly obsessed? Does he agree with you?

Dd2 is now four and I still get no sense out of her i.e

Who did you play with today?
My friends
Which friends?
The boy ones and the girl ones. But not the doggy ones. Doggies aren't allowed in nursery.
No, they're not. Do your friends have names?
Yes. Silly billy Mammy. They're my friends.

I'm not adding anything new here, but just want to add my support for the poor nursery worker. Him having to deal with assumptions/paranoia/innuendo like this is no better than women at work having to contend with institutional misogyny.

What did you have for snack time today dd?
We didn't have a snack time.
Surely you did.
No, they starved us.
Okay. So what did you do at preschool.
I ate a banana.
For snack time?
No, because we were monkeys.
Anything else?
My keyworker put me in a cage.
Lovely dd. Biscuit?

I think, possibly, messaged received.

Unless we're aiming to get OP to overtake Rebecca Black as "most negged person of 2011"?

YABU

just in case you didn't know.

Yabu, sexist and paranoid.

Kungfapanda sounds like a conversation with my dd aged 4

If this isnt a wind up, and the Op really is a nurse, then it makes me wonder what sort of lunatics really are walking amongst us.

When a mother would rather her child soil herself than be taken to the toilet by a male carer, you do have to wonder much of this paranoia is affecting her child, and even those that she may have to work with.

Why ever do men become nursery workers? I think it is such a shame, we need more of them and are hardly going to get them if they can't do the job.
I think it is pretty insulting to say, 'I will pay you to look after my DC but I don't trust you near her in the toilet'.

YABU to think male nursery workers (fully vetted) are necessarily inappropriate to take your DD to the loo. It's called discrimination.

YANBU to be pissed off that nursery haven't followed your wishes.

Next!

I totally agree with madam
will also say this thread as opened my eyes

I think that all nurseries should make it perfectly clear-'we have male workers and they will change nappies and take DCs to the toilet.

(I don't see why they should -as you would assume workers were equal-but it would stop people trying to make silly rules for their DC-they could find a female child minder)