...to smoke cannabis while breastfeeding

[SemiCharmedWife]

I don't know where to begin.

Actually I do, I'm not a troll, I'm not a regular poster who has namechanged, I'm a lurker who reads the reviews and reads the forums when the baby is having a day of eating and I am stuck to the sofa. This is probably a one-shot username and as it is, I am a little worried someone will trace my IP because what I'm doing is illegal and probably a bit wrong, but I can't be bothered with the SWIM (Someone Who Isn't Me) games. Please be aware I am not taking this lightly, but I don't know who else to come clean to.

I realise by saying 'I'm not a troll', 95% of people will nod and think 'that's what a troll would say'.

I'm procrastinating.

I still smoke weed while breastfeeding DD (4 months) and I was still toking while pregnant. I found out I was pregnant when I was over 20 weeks gone last autumn - if it had been all nicely planned, I tell myself I would have given up. I had an easy pregnancy, a natural labour and DD was a week overdue and perfectly healthy. I am aware that I potentially have dodged a bullet and I would have been devastated if there had been something wrong with her. I think I'm an average mum. I love her (although it wasn't instant, she makes me melt now when she smiles and laughs), I am patient 97% of the time, most housework gets done and I take her out of the house every other day at least.

But I never managed to stop smoking cannabis.

I was going to stop at the new year, then I was going to stop when the baby was born, then I was only going to smoke when the baby was in bed and we tried... but right now, we're smoking as soon as DH gets in from work, then maybe after dinner then almost definitely before bed. One of us stays with DD and we take turns if she's being grumpy, otherwise we go outside and keep an eye on her if she's downstairs/take the monitor if she's in bed. I don't get so stoned that I couldn't react if there was an emergency, I just relax and chat with DH.

Are there any studies that say whether the downsides of smoking weed outweight the downsides of formula? I'm reluctant to give up breastfeeding because it's working for us and I wouldn't be able to pick it back up again, but I can't help but think I am drugging my DD sometimes. Are there actually plenty of mums who still smoke and it's a big, well-kept secret? Am I worrying too much and me and DH will grow out of it (I make us sound like teenagers, we're both mid-20s)? It has to be said that while I would quite like to stop sometimes, my DH will apply pressure to spend money on weed, is very pro-smoking and doesn't think I'm doing/have done anything wrong and even voiced the opinion that I had such an easy pregnancy because I was smoking (not in spite of!). What will the police/SS actually do if someone reports me? Do I deserve to have my baby taken away from me?

I don't know what I'm expecting by posting this, but I'm too scared to be honest with the Health Visitor or the Doctor and I'm even lying to most of my friends (who knew I smoked but presumed I gave up when I was pregnant/had DD). Maybe I need to have my arse kicked and my face rubbed into cold hard facts that prove what I am doing is DISGUSTING and WRONG. Maybe people will surprise me and admit a lot of parents (especially with littl'uns who don't understand) still smoke cannabis, my DH is right and I should just stop worrying. Maybe people will empathise and have ideas on how to say no while DH is outside the back door smoking.

And let the judging commence.

Smoking anything while pregnant/breastfeeding is clearly 'wrong', as someone said further up, there is an increased risk of SIDS. And yes you DID dodge a bullet to get away with a healthy baby who went to term.

I used to be a big pot head when I was younger and it amazes me that you say you would be fine in an emergency. I couldn't even trust myself to drive. Your reactions are slowed right down and it's difficult to judge situations clearly. I also think cannabis is addictive, I only managed to give it up when I moved away from my friends/dealer. You are grasping at straws here, hoping that loads of people will come on and tell you it's all fine and we're all stoned to. It's not fine and you DO need to be sober to take the best possible care of your child.

First of all, nobody will take your baby away just because you smoke weed, ss and the Police are unlikely to be interested just becaus of that, but weed can make you a bit nonchalent (sp?) so you need to be very sure that you are actually meeting all of DD's needs, as drug use can lead to neglect (I'm not accusing you of this, but if you were reported this is what ss would be looking for)

In many ways, it's no different from having wine in the evening, except that it's illegal, so you need to think through how you would cope with any consequences from that.

In terms of breast-feeding, you need the facts about whether THC etc passes into the milk (I suspect it does, but not my area of expertise)

Because weed can make you a bit relaxed in your approach to life, will you manage to get DD to school in the mornings if you continue as you are? If not, then you'll have to stop at some point.

Is it really the weed that's hard to stop, or the nicotine from the tobacco in the spliff? Or is it because of DH's pressure? What do YOU want to do?

I don't think you deserve to be judged, nor are you disgusting and wrong. You do sound though as if you are contemplating change.

I'd contact a drugs helpline (maybe FRANK, or something local if there is one) rather than your HC people, but make a list of why you want to stop, and why you don't and talk it through. Once you know what you want to do you can plan for it. If you decide to stop they can help you think through the issues like how to cope if DH decides to continue. If you decide not to stop then you need a well thought out harm minimisation plan for DD (you describe this in your OP, but it will change as she gets older)

Sorry it's long. Good luck with all of this.

Why do you smoke weed? You don't really explain that. Clearly you know YABU to be doing so, otherwise you wouldn't keep it a secret from people in RL, you wouldn't have thought about giving up and you wouldn't be posting on here.

I don't think many people are going to say that what you are doing is OK or that your DH is right. Why do you find it so hard to say 'no' to it (and him)? It would be very hard to give up if he doesn't, but not impossible - as you say, he can go outside for a smoke if he needs to but you don't have to go with him. However, if this is 'the thing' you do together to relax, chat, etc, you will need to think about alternative ways of getting that closeness.

What worries me slightly is that you seem worried about it because you are breastfeeding. Does this mean that once the baby is weaned, you think it's fine to continue smoking weed three or four times a day? because that is not a healthy environment for a child to grow into, and if you haven't 'grown out of this' yet, I am not confident that your dependency is going to lessen - you both seem pretty well settled into a habit that will probably become stronger.

I would seek professional help.

My honest opinion??

Putting aside the breastfeeding for a moment...... are you planning on continuing to smoke dope as your child gets older? If so, you are kidding yourself if you think she/he won't notice. What you will be doing is teaching them that it is normal to use drugs.

I have an ex SIL who struggles with memory loss (although she won't admit it) purely because of continued toking. It affects her and her children in that she forgets important things.
You will also be creating a nervous atmosphere around your child.....I assume you become paranoid also, I don't know another toker who isn't!

I assume you continue to do this to 'wind down' and 'chill out'. It's not normal!!!! I got to the point where i couldn't sleep at night unless I was stoned....this isn't normal!! IT"S ADDICTION

The fact that you know you are getting your baby stoned and continue to do so shows that you are addicted. Honestly, I don't believe anything will change whilst you remain in a relationship where your partner continues to toke, or whilst you hang about with friends who do. Probably not what you want to hear, but IME true.

Either you want to quit or you don't. Noone can make you. But this problem extends beyond breastfeeding, your baby is about to grow up!

You can do it BTW, I stopped toking in my 20's, got rid of my fiance and friends, found new friends and changed my life around. I also stopped smoking before my DCs. It's will power. You get one life and need to make your choices.

I wish you all the best, honestly. It's hard. But worth it.

YABU. Take out the legality issue/ social worker fear. If you equate a smoke with, say, a largish glass of wine... If you and DH had a glass of wine or two when he got in from work, another after dinner, a couple before bed... That would be a problem, no?
You know it isn't right, you say as much. You know there are risks for your baby. If DH chooses to continue that's his highly unsupportive lookout, not yours. Get some support from your GP if you feel you need it, change your routine - be out when you'd usually smoke, plan different things at those times etc.

Look, you'll get some harsh comments I'm sure, but I bet they are all things you've said to yourself. Good luck, and good on you for the first step of deciding to put your baby first rather than just telling yourself that you do.

Whether or not you are breastfeeding is not the only issue here. What would happen if (god forbid) your baby fell ill in the middle of the night and needed medical attention? Could you honestly say that one of you would be fit to drive or manage the situation if you don't have a car? And what about the example that you are setting to your child? If you aren't prepared to give up whilst pregnant are you going to do so once she knows what you are doing? How would you feel if in 12 or so years time she saw you and did it herself?

Please stop. Now.

Honestly?

You're a drug addict. Your partner is a drug addict. You are bringing your child up in a drug addicted household.

Until you can admit that to yourself we're all wasting our breath.

You could possibly damage your baby's mental health and brain development.

cannabis and psychosis

There is a link between psychosis and cannabis use, not the sort of stoned stupor, but developing later after the habit has ceased. I read in New Scientist recently that they have linked adults with psychosis, hallucinations, delusions to cannabis use early in life.

This is of course in addition to smoking and sids.

But you are potentially putting both yourself and your baby at risk for serious mental health problems later in life. Do you want your child to have to deal with a psychotic mum? Or do you want to have to deal with a delusional teen?

Of course you are being unreasonable, and extremely selfish too. But then most stoneheads are. :(

As someone who used to smoke a lot of weed (not cannabis) when I was a bit younger, and before children, I can understand that very seductive feeling that it gives you. But personally, I was using it as a crutch - it is fabulous at keeping all the lurking demons at bay. (I'm not suggesting this is you, but this is my experience of it.)

Smoking regularly with a baby is an absolute no-go for me. I can see you're looking for justifications, but I can't give you any.

If it is just weed, it is also relatively easy to give up from a physical point of view. I just stopped one day, and had no noticeable side-effects. The psychological addiction is a different beast altogether, and that may require some intervention. I'm going to go on the assumption that the crutch is there for a reason, so forgive me if I'm wrong. If this is the case, though, I would opt for (addiction) therapy. You might find, if you committed to that course of action, that the need to smoke wouldn't be as great.

btw, I think it is courageous of you to be so open about it here. That kind of courage can serve you well if you decide to give up.

I stopped smoking spliffs/ ciggies when I found I was pregnant and my partner stopped when our son was born ... The smoke's on your clothes and your breath and presumably the THC or whatever it's called comes through in your milk.

If I was you I think I'd pack up, to be honest ... Life is really not so bad when you're straight!

Charmed I think you've made a start by posting on here so good for you. It does sound like you're genuinely worried and wanting to stop. I have some understanding of what you're going through as I am BFing and often have more wine than I should, which makes me feel guilty. To answer your question about the police and SS I would imagine your local police would not be terribly interested that you and DH smoke in your own home. However, if something were to happen to your DD, an accident in the home for example, and it came out that you had been taking drugs while she was in your care you would both almost certainly (and rightly, sorry) be arrested and questioned on suspicion of child neglect. This would in turn lead to a referral to SS. If SS deemed your DD to be at significant risk of harm then of course they would take steps to remove her. More likely if they knew you were using drugs in the home they would offer help and give you a chance to stop. I'm not sure what they would say about you using and BFing. Please consider knocking it on the head - it would be awful if your DD ended up 'known to SS' - you would feel crappy. As for me I think I'm going to try to stop drinking altogether until I stop feeding as the temptation of the second glass is too great. Your post has given me some extra resolve so thanks and good luck.

Ok I'm not going to say you are or you aren't being unreasonable. I know it's that section but I'll give you advice like you were a friend.

I highly doubt that having the odd smoke would do any serious harm by the minute amounts that trickle into breast milk. So I wouldn't think bad of you for having a little on a date night, while your baby was being looked after by someone else. I wouldn't see it as any worse than having a couple of glasses of wine.

I think you know that you're smoking too much though. It must be having an effect on you. Yes, you're functioning brilliantly on it but what about that foggy feeling? Are you getting paranoid? It's expensive to smoke so much too. I think you'll feel much better in yourself and feel proud of yourself for quitting. Quitting cold turkey is obviously the best thing to do but I would advise cutting down for a week first. Make sure you still smoke cigarettes because you'll crave nicotine and wind up smoking weed to quell that. Obviously keep in mind that it isn't ideal to smoke at all but things like this are best done in small steps.

The amount you're smoking must be getting through to your baby. Please don't feel ashamed of yourself because it is a horrible addiction and I know after a long hard day of looking after a baby, you must desperately want to unwind and forget things. Is there any thing else you can do, like go for a long walk or watch a good film instead to take your mind off it?

You're very brave to post this. You must want to stop otherwise you wouldn't have put it. You can do it! It's a reasonably easy (as they go!) drug to quit and you should start to feel the fog lifting and the craving easing within a week or two.

Good luck!

Hi SemiCharmed

I think you know it's not a great thing to be doing, and your DH seems to be suiting his own agenda (not giving up, not being pressured by you to give up) by denying any possibility that what you're both doing isn't fair to your DD. And maybe he's afraid that since weed has been such a big part of your relationship so far, you'd have a hard time relating to each other without it? That's understandable actually, but it's not a reason to continue.

As winnybella's link shows, there are health risks to your baby, including an increased risk of SIDS and possible interference with the development of her brain cells (is that scary enough?). Think about the fact that if your 4 month old baby was screened today - or two weeks from now - for marijuana, she would test positive. How fucking sad is that.

That would be enough to send me sprinting out for formula (I know there are those who think breastmilk at almost any cost is preferable; I'm speaking for myself) but even if you did switch to bottle feeding, it's not as if that solves the problem is it?

I smoked when I was younger (pre-kids) and I have family members who still smoke a fair bit. When I was smoking weed, I thought I seemed completely normal, just more relaxed and maybe funnier than usual. I didn't think my judgement would have been impaired. Now, I find it thoroughly depressing to be around people who are stoned (even a little): the drawn out conversations about nothing, the jokes that aren't funny, the long, painfully boring silences and the stupid meaningless smiles.... ugh. I'd never want to subject my dd to that kind of scene and have her think it's adults behaving normally. Babies are so alert and curious and bright. And tokers are just dull, dull, dull. No stimulation there at all. Your baby is going to have to learn about appropriate relationships and interaction from you and your DH - and you'll be stoned half the time. Poor kid.

The worst thing about cannibis, in my opinion, is that it does have the potential to really ruin your career prospects, your use of talents and interests, and your relationships without you ever feeling that it's that big of a problem. It just saps your motivation, your energy, your interest in other people. And believe me, those other people do pick up on that lack of interest. I was at a young relative's birthday party last year, and when it came time for him to cut the cake nobody could find his daddy to be in the picture. Daddy was in the car toking because he needed some 'headspace' from all the kids and in-laws, then came back in to the party bleary-eyed and grinning like a fool, looking right through his kid who was trying to show him his presents. I'm sure he thought that nobody could tell, but of course we all could. And the kid definitely realised that his Dad was far more interested in his own (extremely fascinating, I'm sure) thoughts than he was in being part of his son's birthday. The kid stopped bothering trying to get Dad's attention and went off to find aunts and uncles to play with him.

For what it's worth, I really love these relations of mine. And I know that they really love their kids. So I'm not judging you in the sense of thinking that you and DH must be awful people. But please don't fool yourself into thinking (or letting your DH convince you) that it's not a big deal. It's not a healthy way for DD to grow up, any more than it would be healthy if you hit the vodka the minute DH got home every day and took turns getting drunk and watching her from the window. She needs you to be physically and mentally present to her, and to come across as if you give a shit. That's really hard to do when you're stoned, even when you think you're carrying it off brilliantly.

Sorry for the long rambling; your post obviously touched a nerve with me. Best of luck to you.

Your post is written as that of an intelligent, well educated woman. Use your emotional and intellectual intelligence to put your DD and yourself in a better place. You seem already to know where that would be. Take that first step and don't be afraid to ask for help.

If it's a kick up theatre you're really after, I do know that if (god forbid) anything did happen to your baby, routine toxin screens would show cannabinoids. Then you would be exposed, would be forced to face up to what you might have caused, and everyone would know about it. All of your biggest fears would come true. Enough reason to stop yet?

As I understand it there has actually been very little research on the impact of cannabis taking. Basically because it is illegal it is very hard to do any in depth research. But:

1. There has been research to show that because people draw in more deeply when smoking cannabis, when compared to someone smoking just cigarettes, the affects of the tobacco are increased and so the negative effects on the lungs are increased. So any research on effects of tobacco will be very relevant.

1. Cannabis, in spite of what is often said, is psychologically addictive at the very least. I know in my area New Leaf will give the same help to someone trying to stop smoking cannabis as they do to smokers of cigarettes.

1. SS won't take your child away on the basis of you smoking cannabis as long as your child is being well cared for. If someone reports your smoking, depending on how over worked your local SS Dept is, someone may come round to see you to check your child is being well cared for.

1. TCP - very little research on the effects. Would be worth ringing FRANK to see if they know any answers to this as they will be very up to date on any research. This is a confidential helpline.

1. Cannabis does affect motivation and mood. Everyone I know who are long term users are less motivated and have less energy - it can also encourage depression and paranoia. I think if you smoke all the time it is very difficult to recognise the impact it may be having on you.

1. If you continue to regularly smoke as your child gets older the chances of your child telling people outside the home that their parents smoke cannabis are very high. They may not always say directly but through play e.g. in kichen corner - "I'll be mummy sitting smoking" - and your child pretends to roll a spliff.

Also neighbours will smell the cannabis. This may effect your child as many families wouldn't want their child staying at your house and some may not even let their child play with yours.

But of course the decision is yours. Although I appreciate it is harder to do something like stop smoking when your DH is still smoking.

Ahem, the arse, not theatre! Bloody iPads.

I must be reading a different OP then because you sound to me like you're looking for justification for not stopping, rather than advice on how to stop.

Read what Usedtobe said. I am no angel myself and even though I have had children I still have a "full and active social life" (about twice or 3 times a year and in a different county to the DC) but if you can't even stop smoking while you are pregnant/BF it really doesn't say much about your future as a parent unless you kick yourself up the arse sharpish.

You are an adult and sound fairly intelligent so your DP can't be an excuse but he sounds like a stupid immature prick at best. Why would someone feel the need to stop you trying to do the best for your baby? My DP smokes very occaisonally when he is working away I think but he would quite rightly be pretty angry if I smoked while BF (it isn't "my thing" anyway really, I am lazy and paranoid with out anything adding to that).

You know, it's hysterical that your biggest fear is being found out and not what it's doing to your child. Sorry, I have no sympathy whatsoever. You know what you're doing is shitty and you want a pat on the back and someone to say there there, don't worry, it's fine. The pair of you sound rather pathetic.