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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off that dh had a lapdance?

320 replies

Tile · 07/06/2011 09:24

My dh went out with friends at the weekend and I found out that they'd been to a lapdancing club and paid to have a dance. They took it in turns for this girl to 'perform' for them.

To me, having someone gyrating in your face (who is not your partner!) is as bad as sending someone a dirty text.

Strip/lapdancing clubs never used to bother me that much until I saw a documentary a few years ago about girls that are trafficked and end up in places like these with men perving over them.

AIBU to be upset he went to one of these clubs let alone paid to have a dance?

OP posts:
TobyLerone · 07/06/2011 14:08

Also, if my daughter was an adult and wanted to be a dancer in a club, how exactly would I stop her?

Thingumy · 07/06/2011 14:09

you'd forbid it and then post on AIBU toby...

Hmm
Cocoflower · 07/06/2011 14:10

It wouldnt be a case of how would you stop her- the question is can you honestly say you would be just fine with it?

yousankmybattleship · 07/06/2011 14:12

Malificence - you seem very well versed in how real men behave and how they treat women with respect. You seem a little less clear about how a real woman shows other women respect.

You may not like other people's opinions but that does not make them wrong. Please show a little respect for the views of other people and accept that we all have different life experience and may therefore have different opinions.

Thingumy · 07/06/2011 14:12

I wouldn't be all that pleased in my daughter ended up in a chicken factory but it could be her choice to earn money.

Neither career is illegal.

Thingumy · 07/06/2011 14:13

if

Stangirl · 07/06/2011 14:14

harpfairy we all have our lines not to cross. I didn't expect DP to be psychic so I just explained where my lines in the sand are and, whether he agreed with my viewpoint or not, said that if he crossed those lines then he obviously had no regard for my feelings and would therefore be shown the door. These lines are particular to me ie I have no problem with him watching porn (not that he does now) but lap dancing clubs are out, and I would expect every one of us here has different ones. But, "yes" I would end our relationship over it - I would consider it a breaking of trust.

Cocoflower · 07/06/2011 14:14

Lots of things are legal that doesnt always mean they are right.

Malificence · 07/06/2011 14:14

Well toby, if your standards are so low that you would be in a relationship with a man who thinks that lap dancing is fine and dandy, who am I to take issue? Wink
Here, have another Wink

Thingumy · 07/06/2011 14:17

It's all down to personal choice and if my daughter decided to dance in a club,that's her personal decision.

Cocoflower · 07/06/2011 14:18

I would never stand by and let my dd's do it. Sorry, but I would want them to realise they are worth far more than that.

It would break my heart if they did it.

yousankmybattleship · 07/06/2011 14:19

I agree with Thingumy. I wouldn't be thrilled if one of my daughters did this and would certainly hope they would have more sense, but it wouldn't be the end of the world. I'm sure they'll do lots of things that won't thrill me!

MrsCampbellBlack · 07/06/2011 14:19

If it were my daughter I would make sure she knew the reality - so that not all the girls chose to do it, the issues of trafficking and sexual violence inside and outside the clubs.

Basically to show its not all glamorous but actually incredibly seedy - point out some fat smelly man and ask if she wants to be shoving her boobs in his face whilst he sits there getting off on it.

Well thats what I'd do but ultimately if your 19 year old wanted to do it - well not much you could do to stop it sadly.

yousankmybattleship · 07/06/2011 14:20

Well said Mrs C !

Thingumy · 07/06/2011 14:20

You couldn't do anything about it though coco.

You couldn't force them to stop if they are adults.

QuickLookBusy · 07/06/2011 14:24

thingy, noone is saying you could force your dc to do anything, but I would be utterly devastated if one of DDs [17 and 20] worked in a lap dance club.

And I would do everything in my power to encourage her to get a job elsewhere.

TobyLerone · 07/06/2011 14:24

Wow, Malificence. I'm genuinely disappointed. I have never seen you stoop to such a childish argument on a thread.

It's a shame.

Cocoflower · 07/06/2011 14:25

Its intresting how people seem to see it a little differently when they see from the slant of how would they feel if the woman dancing was their daughter... no-one seems all that happy about it really....

darleneoconnor · 07/06/2011 14:27

Yadnbu. Hes pathetic and should be grovelling for a vv long time.

MumblingRagDoll · 07/06/2011 14:30

All this talk of "it would be her choice" ...yes...in the case f our daughters...but NOT in the case of trafficked girls...which is why as women and Mothers we have to stand against these places.

Those of you who think all lapdancers/prostitutes are there by choice are naieve.

QualiaQuale · 07/06/2011 14:31

totally agree with Mal, any man that colludes in and actively supports the business in exploiting, objectifying and degrading women is not a man I would touch with yours, to be honest.

But then I live with a real man who feels the same as I do, so its not a personal issue for me.

Malificence · 07/06/2011 14:31

If it were that great a career choice, all the girls at Uni would be doing it, my DD doesn't know a single girl at Uni ( and she knows hundreds) who strips to fund her degree, it's a huge myth. They all work as waitresses / shop assistants, DD thinks that men who visit strip clubs are saddos, because she knows that decent, loving men don't do it , her self esteem and self worth comes from being brought up in a loving, equal household with a father who respects women.

Thingumy, I'm not sure where your chicken factory analogy comes from , my DH works in one and is very well paid , his boss, the factories general manager, is a woman and she must be on at least £70k.

HaughtyChuckle · 07/06/2011 14:33

I'd be very angry its basically cheating as far as I'm concerned.

StewieGriffinsMom · 07/06/2011 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whatsallthehullaballoo · 07/06/2011 14:42

I had a lapdance not that long ago - went on a girls night out and we all knew that our husbands had definitely had a dance or been into a club before so we decided to go in a see what the fuss was about. We went in and the girls were friendly (obviously) and offered dances for £10. We all had a dance.

No 3 ft rule was in place, the girls were literally inches away from our faces. We could not touch and they did not touch us. However, as predicted they showed everything, played with everything and in very close contact. It made me quite furious with my husband who admitted he had a dance on a stag night the year before.
Now that I have been on the receiving end so to speak, I have told my husband in no uncertain terms that if he does it again, he will be packing his bags. It is on the cusp of cheating to me, he has paid someone else to get him off.