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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just found my husband with someone else.

748 replies

morewinevicar · 06/06/2011 23:08

I walked straight out, but have nowhere to go. No stuff. My little boy is asleep in the house. I was away on a course but couldn't stand to stay at the rubbish travel lodge for the night so drove for hours and just got home. Andmy husband was on the sofa with a woman. Very blonde but didn't see much else and they were drinking and looked like they'd just jumped apart when they heard the door. I'm shaking. I don't know where to go. My son is in the house. How could he?????

OP posts:
Fisharefriendsnotfood · 07/06/2011 09:05

What a fucking fuck! Can't believe you were ttc. Be strong and stay on here x x

MaryBS · 07/06/2011 09:06

He's probably too ashamed to get in touch, and so he should be!

Just wanted to offer my support. I made the mistake of leaving the marital home when my first marriage broke up. It was hell what I went through, but things are so much better now, with new DH and family :). There IS light at the end of the tunnel!

Punky79 · 07/06/2011 09:12

What an utter dick - and with your DS in the house too Angry

Thinking of you - stay strong

Dozer · 07/06/2011 09:13

So sorry OP - am another mnetter not too far away from you who would be happy to help out if you need it, and also know lots of other lovely ladies locally.

I think you need to have it out with dh, get him to come round when your ds isn't there - get all the facts, shout etc.

GeekCool · 07/06/2011 09:14

OP I'm so sorry this happened to you, what an absolute arsehole. Sounds like you have a lovely friend to help look after you.
All I can say is let it out during the day while you have time. x

TheGrumpalo · 07/06/2011 09:17

How shit, really sad and angry for you and your wee boy. You have dealt with things brilliantly so far, can't believe he's not tried to contact you. What an arse!

Sounds like you have a good friend to hand, don't be afraid to ask for help. It will probably hit you when you're alone. Be strong and don't accept his lame excuses. x

BaronessOrczy · 07/06/2011 09:19

So sorry OP - what an absolute arse.

You sound like you are doing so so well, you handled it brilliantly. Try to eat, you need to keep refuelling.

Stay strong - and don't move out. He's the one who is in the wrong.

Original poster
morewinevicar · 07/06/2011 09:19

My friend said that we should pack his stuff and change the locks but I just don't want to confuse my DS. I really want to ask him if he saw a lady (bitch floozie slut) here last night or if DH at least had the respect for our son to wait until he was in bed. It's killing me.

I'm glad I didn't call my sister. I've had a message from her saying what am amazing time her and her DD's are having and I just would have hated to put a negative on it. She's back on Sunday. DH is supposed to be collecting them from the airport!! Ha!

I've had a look around and I know I bought steak and a bottle of wine in my shopping on Friday so he's obviously had it with her. Stupid and useless questions but I'm just thinking - would he have replaced it? Would I have noticed it wasn't the same piece? It's laughable really to be thinking about steak!

Shall I pack his stuff up? What should I say to my DS? He usually goes to MIL's on a Tuesday night and I go to an excercise class but don't want her to have him. But I don't want to call her. What a mess.

Sorry for the rambling.

OP posts:
Animation · 07/06/2011 09:20

Mm I'm not so sure about this passive, quiet and dignified approach.

Doesn't feel healthy to me - isn't it best to have it out - and shout - show you're bothered!

A massive betrayal has just happened.

Original poster
morewinevicar · 07/06/2011 09:20

And we're going away on the 30th!! Jesus.

OP posts:
OnlyWantsOne · 07/06/2011 09:21

call MIL say you fiound her son in your home with another woman and you will be staying at home tonight so she needn't worry about having DS

I would change the locks - simple so you know you dont have to worry about him just walking back in

CareyFakes · 07/06/2011 09:22

I'd say the spineless little scrote is panicking and too afraid to contact you because he has been well and truely busted like a muthafucker.

I would not contact him, await his spine to grow and see what excuse he comes up with. Then I'd watch hell freeze over before I accepted the excuse.

Good luck, keep strong, you've done so well so far, I'd have busted his balls then shoved them down the hags throat.

MrsDistinctlyMintyMonetarism · 07/06/2011 09:22

What's your relationship like with his mum? He might be spending a lot of time there soon.

I'm pretty sure that you can't legally change the locks, but I don't see that you couldn't use the dead lock or lock it from the inside with the key in to stop him from just walking in.

He really is being a shit. No messages or anything? I'd be so tempted to pummel his nuts to paste.Angry

OnlyWantsOne · 07/06/2011 09:22

Pack him some things and take them to his work and leave it there - text him and tell him - then you will see what he does, if he goes to the OW then you know not to even worry about him, let him lay in the bed he's made and get on with it

40winks · 07/06/2011 09:23

oh sweetheart - right. What I would do is do call the mother in law if you don't want her to have him. If it were me I would briefly say what had happened and then say that you are feeling so wrecked that you just want to keep DS with you close this week. That you're not ready to talk to her about anything and thanks for being understanding kind of thing....

Regarding packing his stuff. If you would like to do it then do it but if you would rather he did it, then he can do it when you're ready - he can come in for a day when you're not there. I would put DS's passport somewhere else for now just incase - maybe at your friend's house?

Original poster
morewinevicar · 07/06/2011 09:24

CareyFakes - if I had suspected then I would have been ready, but I had no clue. It knocked me for six. It physically hurt. I didn't even think about what I was doing, I just had to leave before I fell down.

OP posts:
backwardpossom · 07/06/2011 09:25

Oh OP I'm so sorry to read all of this. I think you've been so strong and dignified. I want to say 'well done' but can't do it without sounding terribly patronising. What a shit your 'D'H has been :(

ajandjjmum · 07/06/2011 09:26

I've never been through this, so my advice might be crap, but I'd be inclined to phone MIL and give her the basic facts. It's her son, she should know why you're upsidedown at the moment.
Perhaps also phone his work and leave a message to say that his stuff will be 'in the shed' ready for him to collect asap.
But that might not be the best thing to do, it would just be my immediate reaction.
So many people are caring for you on this - and wishing you well. You will get through it and re-build your life without a tosser.

HarrietJones · 07/06/2011 09:26

Can you text MIL? Say you aren't going tonight & you'll be in touch soon?

I'd pack his stuff up & leave it on the doorstep. Text him to say it's there. I'm not saying you should though.

fiveisanawfullybignumber · 07/06/2011 09:27

Just to add my support, you've been very dignified so far, but i would tell his mother what's happened. Say you may need her to help with DS in the future, but for now you just need to keep him close. Take care.

ExitPursuedByAKitten · 07/06/2011 09:27

Men are such cowards aren't they? Running away and not contacting you - the bastard. Just take things slowly. Try and stay calm. And strong. Just do what feels right for you and your DS.

CareyFakes · 07/06/2011 09:27

That sort of sight would knock anyones breathe out of them, your reaction was perfectly reasonable and natural. I take my hat off to you, you have more dignity in your finger than I have in my entire body!

DirtyMartini · 07/06/2011 09:27

Can you text MIL to say that you won't be bringing DS -- does she do texts? Just keep it brief & neutral, and don't reply if she then comes back asking why?

You could just say to DS that you are staying in with him tonight, I guess. Even if you hear from your H, chances are you wouldn't want to have it out with him this evening while DS is still up.

Not sure what you should say to him though :(

Original poster
morewinevicar · 07/06/2011 09:28

My friend has just got back and said DH's car is in the garage. He must've walked somewhere?? Which tells me hes at his mums which is only in Ewell (v.close)

OP posts:
Cocoflower · 07/06/2011 09:29

This is horrible... I hate your DH. How could he do this to you? To your family in your home.

I agree with backwardpossom you are very dignified. I doubt I could be anywhere near this calm -you are amazing.

Being cheated on is horrible, horrible I really wish you strength and peace in this hard time.