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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just found my husband with someone else.

748 replies

morewinevicar · 06/06/2011 23:08

I walked straight out, but have nowhere to go. No stuff. My little boy is asleep in the house. I was away on a course but couldn't stand to stay at the rubbish travel lodge for the night so drove for hours and just got home. Andmy husband was on the sofa with a woman. Very blonde but didn't see much else and they were drinking and looked like they'd just jumped apart when they heard the door. I'm shaking. I don't know where to go. My son is in the house. How could he?????

OP posts:
ohsolonely · 07/06/2011 09:30

Hi, Just checking in to see how you are this morning.

I think I would be inclined to call MIL (either you or a mate) and explain the brief facts - her son found in house with another woman, therefore you are home tonight and therefore dont need her to have your son this week.

If its easier get a mate to do it. If you do it earlier in the day like now, its done with. You also wont cant answer any more of her questions - the simple reply of "I dont know anything he left last night to god knows where and we have not spoken since", will be truthfull and all you can say. If later in the day he has been intouch there may be more to tell MIL and tbh, you need to get your own head around this before answering other peoples questions.

Your son is young enough to be told Daddy has got to work away etc for a while, if you decide to chuck him out.

30th June is still a little way off. Dont panic about the holiday yet. You need to deal with the basic shock first. Practicalities can and will follow.

Thinking of you

DirtyMartini · 07/06/2011 09:31

Sorry, I meant I'm not sure what else you should say to your DS. The hard part.

BecauseImWorthIt · 07/06/2011 09:31

How well do you get on with your MIL? If you have a good relationship, I would call her up and tell her exactly what happened. Try to keep it as factual as possible, rather than emotional (although I think it will be difficult!), and ask if she is still OK to have your DS.

If she is, I would take your DS round as normal. I think he will benefit from having as normal a routine as possible.

(And I know you must be stressed about about what he might have seen, but please don't obsess about this - he's unlikely to have seen much and is not that likely to really understand what it's all about)

I think you will need to have the support of your family and I include your MIL in this.

Good luck. What a horrible thing to happen. I can't believe that your DH hasn't even tried to call you yet!

DirtyMartini · 07/06/2011 09:31

Oh God, he's gone home to Mum Hmm

Animation · 07/06/2011 09:32

Not sure about this contacting the MIL first strategy.

CareyFakes · 07/06/2011 09:32

Hope his mum gives him merryhell for his actions. I would let MIL know the basics then it's done for the day.

catwhiskers10 · 07/06/2011 09:33

Op I have just read this thread and my heart goes out to you.
I think you have been very brave and handled the situation well.
No doubt he will be waiting for you to calm down a bit and getting his story straight with this OW before coming back and trying to convince you it was all innocent.
Phone your MIL and explain briefly what has happened and that your son will be staying at home tonight. Get her on your side. It will also give you the chance to find out if he stayed with her last night or not.

DirtyMartini · 07/06/2011 09:33

I wonder what he's said to her.

Also, like everyone, I am astounded that he hasn't been in touch with you.

PhilipJFry · 07/06/2011 09:33

Just take care of your physical, emotional and financial well-being, sweetheart. Do whatever involves securing that and apologise for none of it. Make sure to eat and drink enough today even if you have no appetite, and to talk to your friends whenever you need to, and if you do want to pack his things then you do that.

BecauseImWorthIt · 07/06/2011 09:34

Ah - cross posted there!

If he's with his mum, that's a different story.

Can you text her and explain what's happened (so that she gets your side of the story - your H has probably told her you've had a row, rather than the truth) and ask if he's there?

CheerfulYank · 07/06/2011 09:34

You're doing brilliantly, well done you. I'd be a wreck.

ballstoit · 07/06/2011 09:36

For today, I'd say you should just sit down, drink tea and perhaps go for a little walk somewhere nice with your friend this afternoon. Eat whatever you fancy, have a shower or bath...just generally take care of yourself.

You don't have to be in a rush to do anything else. There will be plenty of time to make decisions when you're less tired and less fraught.

And just ring MIL and say you have a tummy bug/cold and don't feel like exercising today. If she knows more, she'll probably say and if not, there's plenty of time to tell her.

Northernlurker · 07/06/2011 09:36

I think I would ring mil and ask if he's there. Apart from anything else you should know where he is so that if there is some sort of ds related emergency you can contact him. Not that he'd be any help but it's a good idea in principle anyway.

HorseWhisperer · 07/06/2011 09:37

I am so sorry for you.

Animation · 07/06/2011 09:37

Why do you want to tell the MIL what happened?

chillichill · 07/06/2011 09:38

what a spineless prick not trying to get in touch. I agree with texting mil or calling and just saying not bringing ds round, no need to explain other than your not going to class and want to spend time with him. if your oh is there, she will know why anyways and just don't let her engage you in conversation. order some pizza and watch a silly movie cuddling your boy.

AitchTwoOh · 07/06/2011 09:38

i am a bit with Animation, though. calm and dignified would not be on my radar right now, i would want his throat in my hands. just be sure that this is the way YOU want to play it, and that you aren't taking too much of a steer from MN. i would want to be talking talking talking and screaming at my dh right now, not maintaining a wounded silence. it's a bit mind-gamey for me.

ajandjjmum · 07/06/2011 09:38

I would pretend I didn't know he is (probably) at MILs, and either text or phone her to give her the facts.

Is there anything you can/should do to tie up your financial situation today?

bupcakesandcunting · 07/06/2011 09:39

Oh no, your poor love :(

We don't know your husband, you do though. What I would say is that it speaks volumes about him as a person that he hasn't even contacted you. You walked in on him with another woman. He left you in charge of your son whilst you are in a very fragile state. What a total, total cunt.

PhilipJFry · 07/06/2011 09:40

I imagine she might want to tell him so there aren't any misunderstandings or to counter any excuses MIL may have had from her son? "Oh it was just a fight" or "We were just having a drink" etc.

PigWhisperer · 07/06/2011 09:40

Think carefully about changing the locks, the last thing you want is to pop out and then find him in the kitchen.

I know its hard but he might have been thinking about this day for a long time and therefore is more prepared, you are still reeling from last night.

You don't need to take any decisions until you are ready. Give your self a bit of time - perhaps if he calls say that you don't want any contact for a week until you have calmed down?

We are all here for you

CatPower · 07/06/2011 09:40

You are doing so well. I can't imagine the state I'd be in if I were in your shoes.

Keep going with the sweet tea if you can't eat, you need something to keep you functioning.

I agree with BIWI, if you feel up to it send your MIL a text briefly stating what happened last night and asking if he's there as he hasn't contacted you at all. He could have told her anything.

PhilipJFry · 07/06/2011 09:40

I'm not saying she should or shouldn't tell MIL btw, just that the above might be a concern.

nenevomito · 07/06/2011 09:42

Like some of the other posters have said, I wouldn't worry too much about the practicalities right now. You've just had a huge shock and the most important thing is to take care of yourself.

I'm so glad you have a good friend there to take care of you. Can she stay with you today?

I am so sorry you've been betrayed by your DH like this. It must physically hurt. I'll be thinking of you today.

backwardpossom · 07/06/2011 09:43

Be careful with changing locks and chucking his things out, etc - there are laws that, believe it or not, can get you into trouble for chucking him out of 'his' house. The law is an ass.