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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just found my husband with someone else.

748 replies

morewinevicar · 06/06/2011 23:08

I walked straight out, but have nowhere to go. No stuff. My little boy is asleep in the house. I was away on a course but couldn't stand to stay at the rubbish travel lodge for the night so drove for hours and just got home. Andmy husband was on the sofa with a woman. Very blonde but didn't see much else and they were drinking and looked like they'd just jumped apart when they heard the door. I'm shaking. I don't know where to go. My son is in the house. How could he?????

OP posts:
Honeydragon · 07/06/2011 20:47

I hope things are OK for you Vicar, that text was awful. Stay strong while he is there for your ds Sad

khaleesi · 07/06/2011 20:47

just offering some more support, you're being extremely brave xx

microserf · 07/06/2011 20:48

hi morewine

just to say thinking of you and Shock at your H. please take very good care of yourself during this difficult time. you've got lots of good advice from other posters, i just wanted to say thinking of you.

re the text, i would lean towards he is being cowardly rather than cold. i really hope that's the case anyway.

Nojusticejustus · 07/06/2011 20:50

No advice to give,

Just wanted to say my thoughts and love are with you and your ds.

CroissantNeuf · 07/06/2011 20:52

Thinking of you and wishing you strength.

Jemma1111 · 07/06/2011 20:56

Don't worry OP, it may take a while but believe me Karma will come looking for him.

Stay strong for your Ds and you will get through this!

bibbitybobbityhat · 07/06/2011 20:58

.

MrsLevinson · 07/06/2011 20:58

No advice either. But just wanted to say I am thinking of you and your lovely boy. You are a strong person and will be ok. Take care of yourself keep up your strength for you and your son.

cheekydino · 07/06/2011 20:58

Just seen this thread and wanted to offer support and hugs. I hope you managed to cope with his visit to collect things and say goodnight to your ds. Being fairly new to MN it is lovely to see all the support you are being offered and I hope it is providing some comfort.

I hope that you get the strength to ask for some kind of 'explanation' from him at some point so that you can have some clarity on the situation - it sounds like one of the worst things about this is the not-knowing exactly what happened, how often and why. You deserve that explanation so that you can clear things in your own head, and not forever be wondering about every little thing that happened in your live together and whether that was 'a sign'.

I agree with the others who said you should try and get time off work and sort things financially etc - always better to be safe than sorry. Any steps you take can always be reversed later if you change your mind.

ChiddelyPie · 07/06/2011 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bupcakesandcunting · 07/06/2011 21:00

Hi MoreWine, just checking back to see how you are. You're doing much better than I would be doing. At the risk of sounding like a motivational coach, stay strong.

OliPocket · 07/06/2011 21:01

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

Not sure if this helps at all but, when I found out my ex-H was having an affair, his very first reaction was to get very angry with me. He showed no remorse, didn't try to explain anything. Basically, he was furious that I had rumbled him and taken all the control away from him. Up to that moment, he knew everything and I knew nothing and when that changed it made him mad as hell. I know that's completely irrational and bonkers but I think he was very scared about what would happen next and his fear manifested itself in fury towards me. Maybe this might explain your H's demeanour and his text message?

I really hope you get through this. I wished I'd behaved differently and kept more of my dignity. You're doing brilliantly x

corkythecat · 07/06/2011 21:02

Thinking of you, hope it went okay earlier x

aurynne · 07/06/2011 21:04

Vicar, I so hope that this silence means you and your H are having the long, detailed talk that he owes you. Whatever happens, I wish the best. We will all be here waiting to hear from you, and supporting you in your decisions. Be strong!

eandh · 07/06/2011 21:06

I went through this last year (dd1 was 5 when it started, he walked out halfway through her 6th birthday party to make 'urgent' call and dissappeared for the rest of weekend and full truth came out a week later) It had been happening since July and finally ended in November (after saying it was off in October but she was still teaxting/calling till November when she had the cheek to knock on my door when me and my dd's were home and tell me her side of the story!

Use your friends my 2 best friends were amazing (one sadly lives 4 hours away but was on the phone every time I needed her) I packed all ofhis clothes up in bin bags and took them to PIL house and dumped them in her hallway andleft again (later discovered that they knew about OW and had spoken to her/met her once (by accident) but didnt feel that it was necessary to tell me that he had been shagging around)

Be warned that his family/friends may just ignore you (his family pretended me and my daughters didnt exist for weeks!) I ignored all correspondance with 'd'h unless absolutley necessary and relating to our daughters (I also kept my key inside the lock of front door so he couldnt use his key to get in. IF in time you want to talk and seek counselling etc then do so but when you are ready and only do what you want to do for you and your son.

H and I have attended counselling (he also now goes to counsellor on his own - and I NEVER thought he would do that) we are trying to sort the whole mess out but the pain/raw feeling/hurt/ still haunts me to this day.

Hope you get some sleep and take care of yourself and your DS

takethisonehereforastart · 07/06/2011 21:07

I hope you are alright morewine and that if he turned up earlier then things weren't too awful for you.

It's hard to know what to say because obviously you aren't alright and things are awful but I hope you are at least feeling more able to cope and that he wasn't a total pig when he arrived.

ExitPursuedByAKitten · 07/06/2011 21:08

Nixea - thanks - that is exactly what I meant when I said I smiled - it was one less painful battle for the Op to go through. Imagine having to face questions from your DC on top of all this?

Hope you are coping Morewine

HappyTangerine · 07/06/2011 21:09

Adding my support.

I saw your post in the early hours and was hoping today he'd have been begging forgiveness. So sorry that you and your little boy have to go through this. FWIW I think you've behaved with class and dignity and I'm glad you have such lovely friends to support you.

scottishmummy · 07/06/2011 21:11

no dont change locks.its illegal
do see solicitor
dont do anything rash or ballsy.this isnt a kick him in clackers or cut his suit moment.ignore that you go sister hyperbole
do keep calm and focussed, gather good pals.Your pal was fab btw
let someone at work know as youll need leave or compassionate leave etc.do tell work there's a family situation
and sorry for your troubles

motherinferior · 07/06/2011 21:11

I am so sorry you are going through this.

FeelingOld · 07/06/2011 21:12

Morewine I have been in a very similar situation to yours (I caught my ex-h in bed with her at her house because she was my best friend) and you will get through this, honestly you will although it may not seem like it right now.

Imo if he wants to see your ds and you cant face him then either let your friend deal with him or tell him he has to wait until you can deal with it. I also dont think its a time to make big decisions, just deal with today and then tomorrow and so on until you feel ready to face things.

I never got any explanation from my ex why it all happened because i dont think many men can actually tell you why.

Look after yourself and your ds and believe me i know how devasted you must be feeling right now but you are doing so well.

Trace100 · 07/06/2011 21:12

GET/ KEEP EVIDENCE... Keep all texts.... You may need it all later.....
Make a note of everything that happens from now on. You may not need the details yet, but in a few days things may blur and you won't know your ass from your elbow...
Love to you and your DS - keep strong

Vicky2011 · 07/06/2011 21:12

Thinking of you More Wine

tickTOCKtickTOCK · 07/06/2011 21:13

How are you doing, morewine? thinking of you tonight as I have been all day.

chipmonkey · 07/06/2011 21:17

You poor thing! I can't believe what a cold fish your H is. Not a bit of concern for you or your son. Angry and Sad for you.

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