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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just found my husband with someone else.

748 replies

morewinevicar · 06/06/2011 23:08

I walked straight out, but have nowhere to go. No stuff. My little boy is asleep in the house. I was away on a course but couldn't stand to stay at the rubbish travel lodge for the night so drove for hours and just got home. Andmy husband was on the sofa with a woman. Very blonde but didn't see much else and they were drinking and looked like they'd just jumped apart when they heard the door. I'm shaking. I don't know where to go. My son is in the house. How could he?????

OP posts:
AccioPinotGrigio · 07/06/2011 19:30

You haven't done anything wrong, he has. You have not lost any dignity, he has. Please don't forget that. I don't know what else to say except I am sending gentle vibes your way to help you stay calm and strong in the face of this difficult situation which is in no way your fault but which you now have to deal with.

Cocoflower · 07/06/2011 19:31

Vicars burnt bridges?

I would solely blame the husband for any bridges burnt!

Portofino · 07/06/2011 19:33

I don't think anyone should be speculating about the ins and outs of this. We have NO clue what has been going on, nor does the op. DH has obviously behaved like a complete twunt - but I don't think we should making stuff up - just supporting the OP.

Sunflowergirl2011 · 07/06/2011 19:33

Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you, and your DS. And what a lovely friend you have. How is your DS doing? Is he missing his daddy? Although reading exits comment, I guess not. Small mercies. Look after yourself and you little boy.

Nixea · 07/06/2011 19:33

I have a feeling maybe Exit meant s/he smiled because it was one less battle for the OP this morning maybe? ie. A kind of smile of relief that the OP didn't have to have that conversation with her DS at a time when she's so distressed herself.

I don't normally like trying to explain what others meant but in this case I think it might have been that.

lubeybooby · 07/06/2011 19:34

OP, this is horrible and I'm so sorry. I can't believe that cold message. Wishing you all the love and strength there is!

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 07/06/2011 19:34

Morewine I've been at work all day and only just seen this. I think you're being very dignified and should be proud of yourself.

Can you call work and take some holiday, so you have chance to sort your head out? Explain what's happened if you need to - you have nothing to be ashamed of. That's what I did when similar happened to me and the time off helped emotionally and practically. I would take the time to think about what you want, and if you decide it's the end for your marriage, contact a solicitor about money, the house, contact etc while you're off.

I'm glad your friend is with you. Try and stay calm when he comes for his stuff.

He is a complete tosser.

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 07/06/2011 19:35

have been following this - mainly with my mouth open in horror.

Honey - I just hope that you are coping alright - it's probably now that he's in with you, getting his stuff. Just be dignified. Please stay strong and remember that you have done NOTHING wrong. NOTHING justifies adultery. It just doesn't. There's always the 'right' way to leave a marriage, and he hasn't done it. Not at all. He's really cowardly and really does deserve scorn.

Let us know how you're doing - half of MN are rooting for you. I just wish you and your lovely son all the very best. You ARE going to be alright, you really are.

Un MNetty love..xx

springbokscantjump · 07/06/2011 19:36

dear god what a dick. I hope meeting him is - I can't think of an appropriate word - civil?

Your friend's dh sounds sweet. I know that my MIL would be on my side if my dh did this and I would hope that when my ds grows up he would never contemplate this but if he did, that I would kick his bum from here to kingdom come.

belizabus · 07/06/2011 19:36

Thinking of you. Keep posting. Stay strong.

Xales · 07/06/2011 19:37

Good luck Vicar. I hope you are feeling as well as can be in the circumstances.

I cannot add much to the support you already have here.

Can I second the please go to an STI clinic. No one but your H knows what he has done during the relationship but go to put your mind at rest.

Your friend and her DH are amazing the way they have stepped in to help you.

Yekke · 07/06/2011 19:37

Coco, I wasn't talking about blame, I was saying that for Vicar's benefit if in the future she considers that she might want to make a go of the marriage it may be wise for her not to give her husband the chance to declare that he was only doing what she told him to do and claim that this is why he left the home last night/didn't get in touch etc etc.

I'm trying, unsuccessfully obviously, to 'look out for' Vicar.

Pachelbel · 07/06/2011 19:38

No advice I'm afraid, but I'm pleased to see that you're getting so much good advice from other posters.

I just wanted to add that you seem like a wonderful woman, Vicar, and a wonderful mother to your DS.
Your H (certainly not DH right now) is a twunt.

Keep strong just as you have done so bravely so far

BobbaFettBountyHunter · 07/06/2011 19:38

You ARE going to be alright, the way you are dealing with this is how I wish I'd dealt with it in the same situation (more or less). You are a wonderful role model for your child, and clearly very level headed.

I'm glad your friend is giving you all the support you need, friends like that are one in a million.

Fontsnob · 07/06/2011 19:43

Just want to add my support. Sorry that you are going through this.

Cocoflower · 07/06/2011 19:43

I see Yekke but I think most people would ask the cheater to move out for at least a few nights I think it is the right thing and not burning a bridge.

However- no doubt the DH will try and blame vicar for this anyway as many cheaters try and absolve themselves of any blame.

PebblesAndWine · 07/06/2011 19:47

You poor poor thing, what a horrible thing to have to deal with. Sounds like you have an amazing friend there. Stay strong.

ajandjjmum · 07/06/2011 19:50

Wishing you strength and wishing all sorts of dreadful things for your H.

catwhiskers10 · 07/06/2011 19:54

Just wanted to say again how well I think you have handled the situation vicar. In your position, I'm not so sure I would have been able to stay so composed. I think you've done the right thing by waiting for him to make the first contact and I hope everything goes ok when he comes to pick up his stuff.
You have been very brave and your friend sounds like she is providing great RL support.

vogonmothership · 07/06/2011 19:54

just want to offer some very unmumsnetty hugs
don't forget that there will be a MNer up somewhere in the world whatever the time if you need to talk.

HowlingBitch · 07/06/2011 19:56

Horrible man. I wonder what the asshole had to say for himself.

emmielou81 · 07/06/2011 19:57

So terribly sorry to read what has happened to you Vicar, take strength and comfort from your obviously very good friend, and I can only reiterate what everyone else has said, this is not your fault, the blame lies entirely with him. You and your little boy deserve so much better and I'm in total admiration of your dignity. Stay strong.

madrose · 07/06/2011 20:02

thinking of you and your wee boy.

HippyHippopotamus · 07/06/2011 20:03

Another voice of support here. You're doing amazingly. Just make sure that things happen at your speed

Sn0wflake · 07/06/2011 20:04

You are doing really great. You don't have to act in any way. It's OK to cry and be a mess. You have done no wrong he has.

I really can't believe he hasn't asked to explain things to you or made any other overtures to you. Maybe he isn't thinking straight.

Was he a good husband before this?

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