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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just found my husband with someone else.

748 replies

morewinevicar · 06/06/2011 23:08

I walked straight out, but have nowhere to go. No stuff. My little boy is asleep in the house. I was away on a course but couldn't stand to stay at the rubbish travel lodge for the night so drove for hours and just got home. Andmy husband was on the sofa with a woman. Very blonde but didn't see much else and they were drinking and looked like they'd just jumped apart when they heard the door. I'm shaking. I don't know where to go. My son is in the house. How could he?????

OP posts:
Portofino · 07/06/2011 19:01

I didn't mean by my previous comment that "what he wants" is all important. Just that he hasn't necessarily decided to give it all up and we can't make that assumption on your behalf. You appeared to have caught him bang to rights though - he is probably in a bit of shock too (bloody good Angry) but this is not the time to be making big decisions.

TandB · 07/06/2011 19:01

MIL might not know - he has probably spun her some story.

Just trying to imagine my DP telling my MIL he had played away - I am not sure he would ever walk again.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 07/06/2011 19:01

You're bloody amazing too, and your brilliant friend clearly knows it.

Make it a large one!

atswimtwolengths · 07/06/2011 19:02

I'm so sorry, morewinevicar. It must have been a hell of shock seeing them both.

I think he has been seeing her for a while. He was obviously happy to have her in his house, which indicates it's a more serious relationship.

Just one thing. Normally, wouldn't you phone him to say you were coming home? I wonder if there was something, just something tiny, about the way your relationship was, that made you think something was different? I've been through something similar (though luckily didn't see them together) and afterwards lots of things fell into place. I wonder whether subconsciously you knew something was terribly wrong and you acted impulsively by coming home without telling him?

Have you asked your son whether anyone else was there last night?

Theyremybiscuits · 07/06/2011 19:03

. My goodness. What disgusting behaviour.

Like someone else said, what a charmer...

LouMacca · 07/06/2011 19:05

OP you are the amazing one. You deserve sooooooo much better than this low-life. We are all behind you x x

mamandeouisti · 07/06/2011 19:06

morewine - have been following this since last night and really feel for what you're going through. It'll be hard but try not to let things get too shouty in front of DS - hopefully your friend can help with that. You're doing so well. Keeping fingers crossed for you whatever you decide to do.

FlamingFannyDrawers · 07/06/2011 19:06

You have been amazingly strong so far. If you don't feel up to seeing him then don't. Also, you don't have to be strong all the time, if you wan't to cry, then cry.

I am so sorry you're going through this and can't believe his level of communication with you since you were dealt this bombshell. You're his wife fgs, the mother of his child. The least you deserve is him to grow a pair and try and speak to you. I'm glad you have your friend there with you. Take care.

CatPower · 07/06/2011 19:08

Stay strong whilst he's there. Pass him his bag, tell him he can come back for the rest at the weekend/whenever suits you, and once he's out of the house let yourself fall apart, scream, cry, smash a pillow, whatever it takes. This will be hard, but you'll get through it.

OnlyWantsOne · 07/06/2011 19:11

What a prat

SuePurblybilt · 07/06/2011 19:12

Agree with staying calm and dignified. The absolute shitbag.
I would hand him a packed bag and tell him the time, place and date you'll be discussing what has happened and the implications. Then close the door.

HaughtyChuckle · 07/06/2011 19:13

not much advice but Im so sorry

culturemulcher · 07/06/2011 19:14

Dear god, I'm so, so, sorry.

I can't believe his message. You must be feeling sick. What a coward! I'm furious on your behalf. How COULD HE send that message?

FWIW I think what izzywhizzy said is good, solid advice.

Please know that we're all here to support you, if we can.

tinkgirl · 07/06/2011 19:15

morewine remember that you are not alone, vent on here all you want, your friend is also amazing as well.

Your H has probably got it worked out in his head what he is going to say to you, take the wind out of his sails and just stay in the other room, don't give him the opportunity.

re the savings account, if it's joint names then ring your bank rather than hunting for the password, and they will transfer the money into another account or at least freeze it for you.

mumtomoley · 07/06/2011 19:16

Just wanted to add my support morewine your H is being so callous :( I would agree with the advice to take it one step at a time, I can only imagine you feel all over the place at the moment, and just need to do whatever and however much feels right. I'm so glad you have a good friend there who is supporting you x

MadameOvary · 07/06/2011 19:16

Op - So sorry that on top of all this he is not showing a scrap of remorse. Sad Angry

perfumedlife · 07/06/2011 19:19

Dear God! He isn't even going to try to explain himself? Just walk out on a marriage and child without a word?

If you feel like asking him, go with your gut, you never know how you will react until you see his face. Oh vicar, I am so sorry, this is awful for you.

The one positive here is you at least now know the real measure of the man.

anniepanniepears · 07/06/2011 19:20

what a prat ,keep strong morewine

DuelingFanjo · 07/06/2011 19:22

thinking of you and I hope you have someone there with you when he comes.

Cocoflower · 07/06/2011 19:22

10 minutes to go... hope your ok.

How is ds going to feel daddy just popping in to say goodnight then goes off again. Poor thing.

Selfish selfish idiot.

ExitPursuedByAKitten · 07/06/2011 19:26

What an absolute shite he is. You said you were TTC. And now he texts you like that. I can only begin to imagine how you must be feeling. I think you are being incredibly brave and stoic. Just take one step at a time, and if you want to lose all dignity, go ahead, feel free. He really does need telling. How is your DS. I smiled when you said he had not asked where Daddy was this morning.............

shelbelle100 · 07/06/2011 19:27

Thinking of you with 5 mins to go. Stay strong.

He is an idiot - as others have said before - at least you know.

Yekke · 07/06/2011 19:28

Erm, isn't the property the husband's home too? It could get very nasty if he's refused access. I know I'd be none to pleasant if anyone tried to stop me friom entering my own home.

The morals are irrelevant and although on his side the law isn't my reason for commenting either. It's likely to cause huge argument and just not wise to do it imvho unless of course for reasons of DV in which case there is nothing to lose and everything to gain by refusal to allow entry into the marital home.

I get the opposite impression to atswimtwolengths and would guess that the woman is a newcomer into the man's life. I think a 'seasoned mistress' or more involved woman would be very wary of being entertained in the man's home, the closer the relationship the more there is to lose by not being careful

It's quite possible that the husband is taking his lead entirely from Vicar. She told him to get out, he got out, a sort of, 'But you told me to go so I did!'. If so, and if Vicar eventually decides that she wants to work on the marriage she may want not to burn too many bridges and give him any more get-out cards.

elephantpoo · 07/06/2011 19:28

so sorry for you morewine.
what a pillock.

atswimtwolengths · 07/06/2011 19:29

Why would you smile at that, Exit? Is it amusing that the OP's son appears not to be close to his father?

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