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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just found my husband with someone else.

748 replies

morewinevicar · 06/06/2011 23:08

I walked straight out, but have nowhere to go. No stuff. My little boy is asleep in the house. I was away on a course but couldn't stand to stay at the rubbish travel lodge for the night so drove for hours and just got home. Andmy husband was on the sofa with a woman. Very blonde but didn't see much else and they were drinking and looked like they'd just jumped apart when they heard the door. I'm shaking. I don't know where to go. My son is in the house. How could he?????

OP posts:
smokinaces · 07/06/2011 18:26

How you doing this evening morewine? How was the school run? Have you got someone with you this evening?

jumpingjackhash · 07/06/2011 18:39

Adding my support morewinevicar, I can't imagine what you're feeling but hope you're a little better now than last night.

ThePrincessRoyalFiggyrolls · 07/06/2011 18:40

I would be so tempted to pack the prick a suitcase and text him that it is on the street outside.

Did he try and say anything to you last night at all? I assume you must have seen him/known he was in the house as you hadn't left your ds on his own. If he left your ds on his own to sneak off I think blood would be involved and it wouldn't be mine!!!!!!!!!

I really hope that you are ok and that your ds is ok too. Quite frankly don't care about your d h!

SeymoreButts · 07/06/2011 18:40

Just caught up on this. I am so sorry morewinevicar. Your DH is behaving like an utter shit of the highest order. Stonewalling you (and indirectly DS) after last night is unforgivable. For all he knows you could have told DS everything. I am Angry for you.

Original poster
morewinevicar · 07/06/2011 18:44

Hi all, DS's school let my friend pick him up so I stayed here. DH (or just H as someone rightly called him earlier!) sent me this message about an hour ago.

"I'm coming at 7.30ish to get some stuff and say goodnight to (DS)"

That's all. Nothing else. I'm about to lose all dignity and strength I fear.

OP posts:
nenevomito · 07/06/2011 18:47

Thats it?

How cold is that.

Could you tell him not to bother? Leave a case for him on the doorstep?

Fisharefriendsnotfood · 07/06/2011 18:47

Oh my fucking god

GreenTeapot · 07/06/2011 18:47

I would text back asking what stuff so you can have it ready for him. Tempting to add on "And when will you be coming for the rest of it?".

Others will have much better advice than I could give but you are behaving with great dignity. Try to stay strong and know that it's all on him to take responsibility for this gross betrayal.

HerHissyness · 07/06/2011 18:48

Can your friend stay on till then? If you don't feel up to speaking with him today, you don't have to.

((((hugs))))

hang in there sweetheart, thinking of you!

HopeEternal · 07/06/2011 18:48

You are not about to lose your dignity and strength, morewinevicar. You will get through this.

Can your friend be there with you when he comes by?

You have a world of people here sending you much love and strength.

Fuzzywood · 07/06/2011 18:48

Hang on in there Vicar. Can you have/ do you want someone with you when he comes around?
Can't imagine what you're going through, just remember all the people on this thread and your RL friends and family who will support you.

hurricanewyn · 07/06/2011 18:50

If you cannot look at him tonight, you don't have to. Get your friend to let him in and stay in your living room. Or simply send him back an answer saying no. Personally, I would wait until I was strong enough and if that doesn't suit him, well tough shit. He doesn't deserve to have things suit him.

I cannot believe the nerve of him. Does he not think he's owes you an explanation? Or some kind of discussion?

TheOriginalFAB · 07/06/2011 18:50

I would pack a bag of stuff and when you see him arriving throw it out of the front door.

travellingwilbury · 07/06/2011 18:50

Wow he really is a charmer isn't he ?

I hate to say it but it does sound like has made his mind up about what he is going to do .

Any chance you can put ds to bed a little bit earlier so he is asleep ?

At least then you can say anything you want to without worrying about your ds .

You are doing a grand job by the way .

Portofino · 07/06/2011 18:50

Sad!!!!

Is he not even going to TRY to explain himself? You have been doing so well, but I think I would be fit for murder about now.

Being charitable, I can imagine he is probably so gutted and embarrassed right now he just doesn't know what to say to you.

smokinaces · 07/06/2011 18:50

Ok morewine. It sounds like he's taking this as the end of the relationship between you too.

So you need to spend the next few days thinking about what you want. Dont bombard him with questions and accusations tonight. Be dignified. Pack him a case, let him say goodbye. Think what you are going to say to DS (e.g. is he going on work trip for a few days etc)

Then decide what you want. I'm guessing you want answers - at the moment he is steering clear for the exact reason that he is a coward and doesnt want a guilt trip. But it will be easier to give it a few days before sititng down either in person or on the phone and asking what you want to know. And telling him what you want.

Its a bolt from the blue for you. You need time to digest it all. Have you got someone who can be there when he comes round? Not someone who will scream and shout at him, but someone who can be there to a) support you and b) cover you if you need to leave the room.

2littlegreenmonkeys · 07/06/2011 18:54

Shock my heart goes you to you vicar (and your DS)

I have nothing constructive to add other than I am thinking of you.

Portofino · 07/06/2011 18:54

I WOULD not be making any snap judgements about what he wants/doesn't want/ what he did/didn't do just yet. You need time to let the dust settle.

A plain, "I can't even look at you at the moment, let alone talk about this" should suffice. I honestly would leave it a couple of days.

travellingwilbury · 07/06/2011 18:55

I can't give you any advice on what to do or what to say as I really have no idea what I would do in this situation . It is all just so horrible .

Have you told anyone other than your friend ?

What about the rest of your family ?

You have nothing to feel ashamed about and if you think it would help you then I do think you should talk to those that love you about this .

As well as us obviously , there are a lot of people who unfortunately know what you are going through .

Portofino · 07/06/2011 18:55

I would pack his stuff and leave it outside though. Tell him to contact you in a few days.

TandB · 07/06/2011 18:57

You don't have to agree to him coming if you don't feel up to it. It would be perfectly reasonable to reply and say 'No. You can come at x time on x day when I have had a chance to think about what DS should be told' or something similar.

If you do let him come then I agree that you might want to try and have someone there with you.

Original poster
morewinevicar · 07/06/2011 18:58

My friend is staying for the night, I feel so bad, she has her own child who her (much more lovely) DH is taking a few days off to be with.

He's mucking everyone about.

I think I'll get her to pack him some stuff. I'll write more later... I need a drink!!!

Youre all amazing xx

OP posts:
bluebobbin · 07/06/2011 18:59

He sounds utterly evil. You have the moral highground and it's best to try and keep it by being civil. He will turn anything around to make you appear the bad guy.

Just to put something about your MIL. She clearly knows what's happened and any decent woman would have phoned you and apologised on her son's behalf and check on the welfare of you and your DS. My MIL did - infact she drove 100 miles to come to my house and offer me support and help with the kids whilst DH had buggered off. My FIL even went to tesco's for me! Since yours hasn't (she still might do I suppose) then you need to be a bit wary of her but always remain civil and polite.

PigWhisperer · 07/06/2011 18:59

Well said Kung Fu.

More wine, if you don't feel ready you don't have to see him tonight.

greasychip · 07/06/2011 19:00

I think this is going to be very difficult for you all. You do need to have some time alOne so that you can say what you want without your son hearing anything. Can your friend hang around so that you and h can sit in the car and have some privacy? You need to be able to behave however feels right, and being in earshot of others (friend or ds) will be too tense. It does sound like he is expecting to leave, so if you want to swear and bellow at him he needs to take it.
You are doing brilliantly, just follow your instincts and we will all be thinking of you at half seven.