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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just found my husband with someone else.

748 replies

morewinevicar · 06/06/2011 23:08

I walked straight out, but have nowhere to go. No stuff. My little boy is asleep in the house. I was away on a course but couldn't stand to stay at the rubbish travel lodge for the night so drove for hours and just got home. Andmy husband was on the sofa with a woman. Very blonde but didn't see much else and they were drinking and looked like they'd just jumped apart when they heard the door. I'm shaking. I don't know where to go. My son is in the house. How could he?????

OP posts:
Thingumy · 07/06/2011 12:38

I don't think the OP should be worrying about who to tell just yet.

I would think she is trying to get through each minute without cracking up.

I hope you are managing to eat a little OP

TheBolter · 07/06/2011 12:39

Thinking of you OP, stay strong.

cuteboots · 07/06/2011 12:45

call him and say you are coming back but she had better not be there then get him to leave.

bluebobbin · 07/06/2011 12:47

morewinevicar - look after yourself and keep posting. My DH had an affair and it is a terrible terrible shock. But I promise you, you will get better and quicker with the support on here. Just to add that my MIL was utterly disgusted with my DH so don't automatically think MIL will defend H.

Reality · 07/06/2011 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Greenstocking · 07/06/2011 12:55

I tend to agree with swash.
My MIL would side with my DH regardless of what he did so only you know if you should tell yours. I never would.

Northernlurker · 07/06/2011 12:55

I think it depends on the mil. Mine would always love dh of course - but that wouldn't stop her telling him exactly what she thought of him were he to be in this situation. Certainly I know of a mil who stuck up for her son through thick and thin when he left his wife and two young dcs for another woman, actually did say 'well I could have told you this would happen..'. Angry Equally I know of another mil who was apalled by her son's abandonment of his family and proved to be a tower of strength to her distraught dil.
Only the op can judge which way mil is likely to go and I agree it does depend on what the op wants to do with her marriage.
Personally I would want to know where he was. If he's run home to mum that's one thing. If he's gone to the woman that's quite another and that would colour how I felt about the whole thing.

Oblomov · 07/06/2011 12:55

I agree with swash.
Don't do anything rash. OP has not given any indication as to what she will do. But thta is hardly surprising. She hasn't said how she feels emotionally. She may well want to work through this, or maybe trust has gone and thus the marriage is over. But those thoughts and emotions come later. She is still in a huge state of shock.

BornInAfrica · 07/06/2011 12:57

cuteboots call him and say you are coming back but she had better not be there then get him to leave

You've read the thread then have you?

PercyPigPie · 07/06/2011 12:57

I would tell your MIL in a neutral text before the spinless dick has a chance to make something up. How utterly utterly pathetic of him not to have made contact with him.

And, as for eating your steak - words fail me!

Jaspants · 07/06/2011 12:57

Take your time to come to terms with what has happened.

What a horrible shock. I'm glad you have a supportive friend to help you through

Cocoflower · 07/06/2011 13:01

OP wherever you are- just remember you will not feel as bad as you do now forever.

I like the idea of pizza and cuddles with your dc tonight.

Is there anyone who can come over tonight? Its just when I was cheated on I kept bursting in random tears so it might be good to have some else there incase this happens so dc doesnt get upset at seeing you upset so you can excuse yourself while friend or family distracts dc.

AuntieMaggie · 07/06/2011 13:05

So sorry this has happened to you. Lots of good advice on here. Take your time to decide what to do next.

BlackSwan · 07/06/2011 13:08

Here's a piece of advice. Don't wait for him to empty any joint accounts and don't bother going to your solicitor first. Just march down to your bank and clear everything into accounts held solely in your name. You don't know what the bugger will do next.

DoodleAlley · 07/06/2011 13:10

Take advise from solicitor on how to protect you your home and access to DS.

You don't know if this was a one off or long running thing and you don't know if he has already found info on getting custody of DS and is now putting it in place. Don't mean to be alarmist but don't want you to lose out because you waited. He might not be prepared but don't let yourself be the victim.

heleninahandcart · 07/06/2011 13:13

Vicar you do not have to tell MIL
You do not have to do anything right now

Some posters have implied that doing nothing at the moment is passive. You need time to take this all in. Its similar to bereavement, your world has been turned upside down. You can only deal with what is manageable for you in pieces. Over the next few days you will begin to put things together.

You sound practical, if this is what gets you through this, fine and checking your financial position for example, will give you a sense of control. You will let your anger out when you are good and ready. Take care of yourself, cuddle your son. That's enough for today

alli1968 · 07/06/2011 13:15

There is so much good advice on here. Just look after yourself and your son and remember self preservation is the most important thing along with keeping your boy close to you. xx

Your instinct will eventually work through all the options and you will know what you want to do xx choose whatever makes you and your son happy whatever anybody else thinks is secondary xxx

Keep strong xx

IWantToBeAFairyWhenIGrowUp · 07/06/2011 13:17

How awful for you - I hope you have some support with you today.

codandchipstwice · 07/06/2011 13:18

Just read this and am hoping you're OK. I'm in Croydon and MIL in Cheam so any panic please yell - have you got someone nearby you can contact if he comes back and you don't want him there - just to be there with you?

Huge massivs hugs for this - it's bloody horrid

xx

cuteboots · 07/06/2011 13:20

born in africa- sorry have to admit I didnt read it all! new at this mumsnet lark and appear to have replied a little later in the thread! OOPPS

FrameyMcFrame · 07/06/2011 13:32

Don't ring the mil, he might be there or have already talked to her and as others have said, put 'his side of the story' but to be honest I can't think of a way he could spin this to make it look like your fault.

Hope yo're ok, I know the feelings you're having well and although it's really unpleasant,
It will pass.

Mabelface · 07/06/2011 13:32

One foot in front of the other today, just concentrate on that. Other stuff can wait. Be very kind to yourself. Breathe in and breathe out. xxxx

TotallyLovely · 07/06/2011 13:37

I said earlier that you should tell your MIL because I was hoping she may be a practical support to you, by caring for your son over the coming days and weeks if you wanted her to.

A few people seem to be suggesting using it as a punishment for your DH which is a bit unhelpful.

How are you feeling OP?

porcamiseria · 07/06/2011 13:43

sweet jesus OP, what a shocker. just sending you some support

you know your sister will be upset you did not tell her when she comes back!

you have been strong and got some great support on here

stay strong and along with others, sending you luck and love

you WILL smile again you know, just not for a while XX

wonka · 07/06/2011 13:44

I'm just going to repeat something which has been said to you already, today sort out your access to shared money, move out your share into an account in your own name and make sure your wages are paid into a seperate account.
Good luck!