Just found my husband with someone else.

[morewinevicar]

I walked straight out, but have nowhere to go. No stuff. My little boy is asleep in the house. I was away on a course but couldn't stand to stay at the rubbish travel lodge for the night so drove for hours and just got home. Andmy husband was on the sofa with a woman. Very blonde but didn't see much else and they were drinking and looked like they'd just jumped apart when they heard the door. I'm shaking. I don't know where to go. My son is in the house. How could he?????

So sorry for you morewine, what a horrible shock. I think you are showing tremendous dignity and strength, even though you must feel like you're falling apart.

Like others, I imagine 'D'H hasn't been in touch because he is utterly ashamed and too cowardly to face up to how he's hurt you. He probably hiding away somewhere and (rightly) feeling like a gigantic shit. I think it's unlikely he's gone to be with her as all the fun and excitement of that situation will have disappeared the instant you walked in on them.

Agree re not changing the locks- not legal. Still, once he gets in touch you are perfectly entitled to tell him you don't want him at the house for the foreseeable future. If he has any shred of decency, he will respect that request.

Thinking of you today.

I would tell the MIL as well. You have no reason to protect him and it's probably best she knows.

As a MIL, I would want to know if my son had done this to his wife, so that I could rip shreds off him too.

So sorry for you, you must be be in such shock.
Chain or bolt the doors so he has to request access
Move his stuff out of YOUR room - garage or somewhere, so he doesn't have to enter the house to collect it
Contact a solicitor immediately to see what can be done.
Do you have joint bank accounts? Speak with the solicitor about how to manage any joint finances during this time.
Get photocopies of everything relating to the house/mortgage/insurance.

This must sound callous, but having something to do that helps you to move forward is positive, and that - through the hurt and pain and shock - is what you need to do.

If either of my boys ever do this to a woman I'd want to be told and my god I'd be down on them like a ton of bricks.

You know your MIL and the relationship she has with you H best though so do whatever feels right (up to and including posting the burnt remains of all his clothing to her house for him if that's what you need to do right now)

I can't imagine the pain you must be in, I hope the next few days and weeks go as smoothly as possible and you can emerge the other end grateful that you found out (and thankfully before you got pregnant)

I don't think posters should assume the OP is going to divorce her husband over this. Maybe she will - or just maybe they will work things through.

It's really unhelpful to jump in and say change the locks and kick him out. In times of crisis, it is often best to do as little as possible. OP, Don't tell your MIL - this is intensely private and between you and your DH. Just get through each day as best you can and give yourself time to work out how you feel and what you want to do.

OP I am really sorry for you, it is a terrible shock. I had a similar experience when I discovered my exes affair. It took days before I could function

Give yourself time, you dont have to do anything whilst you are still in shock. But if your ex has dissapeared you might want to make sure he cant clean out your bank accounts. BY the time I confronted my ex I had moved our savings out of his reach so he couldnt run off with it and his then GF. At the time he was the only earner so it also meant I could keep a roof over our heads regardless of what he did

Well, that's not strictly true is it Swash?

After all her dH brought another woman into it - wouldn't you agree?

I don't think keeping things "intensely private" is necessarily helpful, though Swash. Vicar's DH has been somewhere overnight - most likely his mum's place, and who knows what nonsense he's told her. He's (obviously) known about this a lot longer than Vicar, so he's had time to prepare some cock and bull story that, most likely, paints him as the wronged party, or at the very least not as guilty as he truly is.

Keeping things quiet/secret, "putting on a brave face", acting as normal isn't always the best course of action when such strong emotions are involved.

Whatever you decide, Vicar, do what is best for you. Don't worry about your husband, he will be taking very good care of himself. Don't be thinking about "what will the friends/families/neighbours say?", don't feel an ounce of shame, you have done nothing wrong at all. You do not need to protect DH's reputation, or worry about ruining the image of a perfect family life. You are the wronged party in all of this.

Stay strong. x

Morewinevicar - sending you huge hugs. Am so sorry you and your DS are going through this crap. Text your MIL to say DS wont be over tonight. If your DH is there, she may well know something is up already.

Give yourself time to decide what you want to do - definitely protect your assets though while deciding- and stay as dignified and strong as you can.

Don't allow DS to MIL. Be straightforward, simply say he wont be coming. If she asks why then tell her, but only if she asks. No idea of the nature of the relationships involved, so simple honesty if asked is perhaps the best way.

As far as bank a/c details, this is suggested to protect the OP, not to assume any divorce pending. There are many financially dependent women out there who've found all monies transferred from joint accounts in such a situation; to protect against it is to armour against the added uncertainty of financial security for the child.

I dont think keeping things private helps either.

My DIL has recently gone through a terrible time with my stepson and if she hadnt contacted me to let me know her side of it, we would have easily gone on beleiving the lies that my stepson had told us.

A MIL can sometime help in a more rational way than your own mum, because your own mum is biased to you naturally.

It's helpful to keep it private if they want to work things out by themselves. If OP needs to tell MIL for her own reasons, then fine. But a fair few posters have suggested telling her so that she can sort her son out. I would find it humiliating to have my MIL involved in my relationship in that way.

I would check out the bank accounts, definitely. And think about what I wanted to do. But in the OP's state of shock, she is not in the best place to make concrete decisions. Better to get through the week, offload onto good friends and take care of her little boy. Things will become clearer.

I have just come across this thread, and I'm thinking of you OP. It must be so painful for you.

I can't believe he would do that with your child in the house, it is utterly disgusting.

I don't have any advice I'm afraid, but you have had some from others, and at least you have had the support of your friend last night.

Personally, I don't believe I would tell MIL either. I would leave it for him to tell her. Not sure why though, that would just be my gut reaction. I'm sure we'd all deal with the situation differently.

He will tell her it was a mates wife who came round, who just needed some advice, or some other perfectly "innocent" tale, and probably find a way to justify it. Or even point blank deny it and say that Op is making it up.

What an absolute cunt. I'm sorry, OP :(

Probably squeaky. Think my view is coloured by the fact that my own OH wouldn't lie to his mum about it. I just know he wouldn't.

I believe the MN term for men like this is "twunt"

Sorry you're going through this op

It would be illegal to change the locks to prevent him access, however if you want to change locks as you had been made aware that persons unknown to you may have had access to keys that is fine, matter of personal safety. OH can have a key as/when he gets in touch.

"It's really unhelpful to jump in and say change the locks and kick him out. In times of crisis, it is often best to do as little as possible. OP, Don't tell your MIL - this is intensely private and between you and your DH. Just get through each day as best you can and give yourself time to work out how you feel and what you want to do."

I agree with Swash.

And telling the MIL could complicate matters further and bring about another set of problems - like people to take sides. The outcome of which could upset you even further.

At some point there's got to be some direct plain speaking between you and H - when you feel good and ready. Get your strength up.

Jesus Christ, OP. I have no words.

Thinking of you.

I know that lots of posters are advising you to tell your friends and mil to get your side across, counteract any lies she might have been told etc but if I were you I'd think about this. If you do decide that you don't want to split up, wuld you really have wanted your friends and mil so very involved in your marriage. They may also find it hard to step back later and will always wonder about the two of you.

Squeakytoy suggests that your mil is more likely to be impartial than your own mother. I doubt this, as she's more likely to be biased towards her own son as he's her flesh and blood and she's loved him since the day he was born. In the beginning she may take your side and say that she's disappointed in him and that he's wronged you but it won't be long before he's talked her round and she can 'understand that things haven't been right for a long time' and 'his behaviour wasn't good but was more understandable in the circumstances' and, if it comes to it 'splitting up is for the best really'.