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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Just found my husband with someone else.

748 replies

morewinevicar · 06/06/2011 23:08

I walked straight out, but have nowhere to go. No stuff. My little boy is asleep in the house. I was away on a course but couldn't stand to stay at the rubbish travel lodge for the night so drove for hours and just got home. Andmy husband was on the sofa with a woman. Very blonde but didn't see much else and they were drinking and looked like they'd just jumped apart when they heard the door. I'm shaking. I don't know where to go. My son is in the house. How could he?????

OP posts:
TheBride · 07/06/2011 09:43

I probably would get the locks changed, just so you have control over your home and he has to ring the bell to come in- you won't just wake up to find him back and in the spare room or sitting on the sofa when you come in from work.

You can get a new cylinder for a Yale from B&Q and do it yourself quite easily (dont have to change the whole lock).

HavePatience · 07/06/2011 09:43

I have PM'd you morewinevicar. I also live very nearby. How horrible :(

maxybrown · 07/06/2011 09:43

Hope you are ok. I think the fact he has not contacted you is terrible. He does not even seem to be trying to justify anything!

Don't count on him being at his Mums though, she could have picked him up (as in TOW)

If you can text MIL then do say saying "Found your son with another woman last night, DS staying with me tonight. I have no idea where DH is as he walked out last night with no explanation - unless he is with you of course then you already know?"

Greenstocking · 07/06/2011 09:44

I would be inclined to have it out with him. But that is me and my marriage, not yours. You know your husband.

I would need to know everything, how he met her, who she is and what EXACTLY happened.

Only then can a decision be made.

Shakti · 07/06/2011 09:47

Remember he has known about this for longer than you. Take your time. You have had one of the worst shocks imaginable and need to be very kind to yourself.

Just sort out as far as next couple of days for the moment. Text MinLaw and say you are unable to go to your class. You do not have to give any reasons. Tell work you will not be in this week - use tummy bug from crappy hotel as an excuse if you do not want to get into explanations now. Tell son that Daddy is away for work for a few days.

Then check accounts - do you have access to money? Get some cash now so you are prepared for whatever you and your son want to do for next few days.

Get friend to stock food cupboard with whatever floats your boat and easy (junk!) food for your son. Ask her to get some dvds (friend? library?) so you can do sofa time with son without having to entertain him too much.

Now. Change bed. Do whatever you need to do to make bedroom feel like a safe place. And...relax.

You have been courageous and strong. Let yourself have a little time to re group and then think about legal advice, talking to him etc etc.

x

HavePatience · 07/06/2011 09:48

I can't believe he hasn't tried to contact you. Angry
PLEASE heed advice on here and do NOT contact him.

HarrietJones · 07/06/2011 09:49

God advice Shakti

Pelagia · 07/06/2011 09:51

I'm so sorry, what an utter shit your H is. Be kind to yourself.

ThePrincessRoyalFiggyrolls · 07/06/2011 09:58

This has to be everyones worst dh related relationship nightmare, you are doing well.

If I were you (and fortunately I am not the voice of experience here, however I have lurked on a fair few similar threads) I would leave a message for MIL saying don't need her for tonight and that is it. If he went around there Mummy's special soldier will have come up with some bullshit excuse and probably tried to put the blame on you. Then when it comes out that he has been fucking someone else you will still somehow be the one that did the wrong thing Hmm which I just don't get but it seems to have happened a great deal to other people.

I also would have sent him a text telling him what a prick he is, and it is even worse that he hasn't bothered to try and contact you. He also has the day off remember so he won't be at work! You can also lock the garage so fuckwit can't get his car.

No doubt at somepoint today ds is going to ask where daddy is, for that I have no answer for you but might gently try and coax if he saw her out of him.

However if he has brought someone to your house whilst you were away he must have been planning this or it is unlikely to be a one night stand so please prepare yourself for that. Also remember, you deserve better than someone who would cheat on you in your own house with your child in the room upstairs.

foolserrand · 07/06/2011 10:00

Morewine, you poor thing. :(

You were amazing last night. Do what you can today, familiar routines may comfort you if you are up to it.

So very sorry he has betrayed you like this. Will be thinking of you today.

Tobermory · 07/06/2011 10:01

I'm so sorry to hear your H has not been in touch with you thismorning. That isjust shocking.

I think shakti's advice is just spot on. Spending time on the practicalities will give you somethingto focus on to stop you mentally revisiting that awful scene from last night.

Take care of yourself.

Dozer · 07/06/2011 10:02

Don't change locks, it isn't legal.

LouMacca · 07/06/2011 10:03

Good advice Shakti. I am so sorry OP, you are doing really well x x

QueeferSutherland · 07/06/2011 10:05

You poor thing.

I was worried about you all night.

GinAndWater · 07/06/2011 10:06

OP So sorry- You are being so strong. Take good care of yourself and let your friends/family look after you for a while. xx

PeppaKew · 07/06/2011 10:07

So sorry about your situation. What a complete and utter ass he is.

I had a Great Aunt who used to have this saying 'Never make time for people that hurt you'. I know I would be livid and cut him out of my life. And then play Stepford wife in relation to him seeing your DS, ie, be functional but show no emotion towards him. But that's just me.

BimboNo5 · 07/06/2011 10:09

What a complete wanker, I feel so sad for you and DS but you WILL get there, you are getting there you are doing bloody amazing. And as for him not ringing you- hes a dead loss forget him.

saffronwblue · 07/06/2011 10:09

Just read this thread and admire you so much, Vicar for your calm and resolve. That must have been an awful shocl and a hard night to get through. You can't control DH's words or actions but you can look after yourself and DS as you are doing. Take your time in planning each move. He has lost the right to control events.

What a total jerk.

Inertia · 07/06/2011 10:12

Just checking back to see how you are this morning. Sounds as though you are coping amazingly after such an awful shock , and your friend sounds lovely.

I think you probably do need to be honest with your MIL. Why should you have to make excuses to cover for your husband?

And I agree with Shakti - make sure you have access to money. And depending on how your bank accounts work, you might want to consider whether he'd be able to empty your accounts and whether you need to contact the bank.

ShoutyHamster · 07/06/2011 10:17

Well, his response has shown you that not only is he a cheat, he's also a spineless little coward.

So although you must be absolutely reeling right now, I hope that you will be able at some point to say that you are glad that you found out now, rather than another couple of kids and a lot more lies later.

You or any woman would be well rid of this kind of man.

Best of luck - there are so many different ways to handle this - I would just advise that you think through the ramifications of everything before you act.
Also, that as many have said here, getting your side of a story out there as quickly as possible seems (unfairly!) to be the best way - so maybe just send a short message to MIL making it clear what happened, that her grandson was in the house at the time, and so you will be staying with him and not going to class as obviously this is a complete trauma. You don't have to mention your H or ask where he is.
As far as locks are concerned, you could change one lock (e.g. a side or back door), then put bolts on the others that you can secure before you leave through the door with the changed lock - think that might cover you wrt legalities.

Good luck, I really feel for you.

exhausted2011 · 07/06/2011 10:30

Dear MIL, I hope you can appreciate that this has all been a horrendous shock. I can't bring DS over tonight, I hope you can understand.

If he is there, he might have told her the truth or a whole load of bollocks, but either way, it puts the ball in her court to ask him

If he's not there, would that make her call him?

I'm so sorry you are going through this

lisad123 · 07/06/2011 10:36

I would be honest with MIL, its not her fault her sons a sod :(
Im going to ask, and properly be shot, but do you want him back? Is this something you could work though? If not pack his stuff, and leave it outside for him. If you feel you need to talk it though with him, send it to his mums.

jbcbj · 07/06/2011 10:41

just seen this - morewine, i'm so sorry for you that this has happened. you are showing amazing strength. you will find your way through this and come out the other side - i am glad that you have your ds to cuddle. i'm too far away to offer much practical help, but i will be thinking of you.

Longtalljosie · 07/06/2011 10:47

If he is there he'll probably have told her you've had a row and you threw him out. That way he doesn't have to tell her anything and he gets lots of sympathy Hmm

I agree with others, a brief text saying you won't be going to your class today so won't be dropping DS will do. If she wants to ask why then fine, tell her if you want to, but better she asks first.

smallsheep · 07/06/2011 10:50

my heart goes out to you as someone once in the same position.

Mine did not phone for a week, mind good job as I would have bloody killed him if I could have got my hands on him, and he knew it, so he went into hiding.

The most important thing here is your son, although I am sure you don't need telling that, try to keep things as "normal" as you possibly can for his sake, don't let on what has happened yet, and if the spineless git does turn up, get a friend round quick to collect your child, so he does not see /hear the pain you are in. My son was 5 when it happened to me, he was a rock and a great comfort and kept me going when I was really low (wish I had found you wonderful ladies on MN then!)
Lots of cuddles are in order.

Like some others have said if she was in your house, this has been planned, and it will not be the first time he has met her, so sorry.

Instead of changing the locks, beyond my capability, get some of those door chains, they are not illegal, and if you are in he can't just then walk in at his will.

The only thing you need to do today is sort out your bank account if you have a shared one, make sure you get enough cash to cover you, so he can't go and empty it out, same for savings, if shared, get your half out of it, as who knows what may happen. Mine was not that evil, but one of my friends OH were, and she had 2 kids, and as well as everything else had no money at all, not even for a pint of milk.

Take each day as it comes, you will get through this, be strong, and don't let him try to twist it, that its somehow your fault, there is no excuse at all, its disgusting, in your house with your child there, I am getting angry for you.

Take support from where ever you can, don't be afraid to ask.

You have handled this with far more dignity then me, so well done.
Big hugs

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