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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that we actually might be just as happy by ourselves?

83 replies

kidsscareme · 05/06/2011 21:31

Lurked on here for a long time so finally feeling like I can post!

Married for 3 years. Never have felt that maternal longing for kids. My DH likes kids but has no burning desire for his own. We love our nieces and nephews but are so glad when they leave as they are such hard work!

We have been talking lately about when we should have kids and are fast coming to the conclusion that we might not be the type of people to ant kids!

My mum will be gutted and I worry in case I might regret it when its too late.

I like our life as it is, I work very long hours in a career I love and get to travel alot with my job. Id worry Id resent having to give that up.

Its a hot topic at the moment as EVERYONE asks us about the pitter patter and everyone seems to assume its when and not if.

AIBU to think we may have decided that actually no, we wont have children?

(Im aware of the irony of being on mumsnet but I joined thinking the kids where the next natural step)

OP posts:

lovemyskinnyjeans · 05/06/2011 21:32

Mind me asking how old you are?

Original poster

kidsscareme · 05/06/2011 21:34

We are both 32. Been together for 15 years and married for 3.

OP posts:

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 05/06/2011 21:34

YANBU - you and your DH have talked and you have to do what feels right for you as a couple. Of course that is what feels right now, how you feel in the future may be different.

Can I ask how old you are (nosey emoticon!)

Mumanator · 05/06/2011 21:35

Have kids - it is the only thing that makes sense in this crazy world and you won't 'get it' till you do it. (Also - couples without kids are self absorbed and usually very boring by the time they are in their 40s! FACT!)

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 05/06/2011 21:35

oops- cross posts, I'm a very slow typist!

KarmaZBitch · 05/06/2011 21:35

I'd also be interested to know how old you are, though. I have known a fair few women make this decision in their early 30s, only to have a massive about-turn as they hit 40. Same for men, although the about trn can come much later.

I don't mean to patronise you. You know your own mind, and if you decide that a family isn't for you, fair play to you. It's not for everyone.

DoMeDon · 05/06/2011 21:36

YANBU - better not to have them if you don't want them - far too many go ahead anyway.

You can always try later if you change your mind and if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. You could try to adopt if it wasn't possible later on.

lovemyskinnyjeans · 05/06/2011 21:37

Well I would say it's not a decision you need to make right now, and you're really sensible not to rush in unless you're 100% certain.

Nothing prepares you for how much your life changes and how much you will sacrifice when you have children. Which is fine if it's definitely what you want, but if it's not, there's no harm in waiting awhile...

Mandy2003 · 05/06/2011 21:38

Do you have siblings who have or will have children? If so your mother will obviously be disappointed that you have none, but she will still have grandchildren if this is really important to her.

At the age of 32 I was in a steady relationship but we could not imagine having children. By the time I was 37 my son was born! Things change, you never know what might happen

ThatllDoPig · 05/06/2011 21:38

Interesting. You sound intelligent and sensitive and have thought through what you want out of life and how having a baby could change all of that. Why do you question that or suspect that you are BU?
I can't help feeling that the fact you are asking us lot, and that you are lurking on here at all suggests that you are secretly fascinated by the idea.

Bet you end up being a mum at some point!
But no, YANBU. Your choice as a couple.

Shannaratiger · 05/06/2011 21:38

I was talking about this with Dp last night, I respect you for acknowledging that you might not want kids. There are too many couples out there who have children, deep down not reallywanting them and make a unloved messed up children and miserable parents. Enjoy your nieces and nephews and your childless marriage.

garlicbutter · 05/06/2011 21:39

YANBU :)

Mumanator · 05/06/2011 21:40

"you could always adopt" - this is clearly from someone who hasn't ever ventured down that road!!

shakey1500 · 05/06/2011 21:40

I was exactly the same as you (only difference was that dh has children from a previous relationship). I hadn't a maternal bone in my body and never envisaged having children. Loved the freedom, being able to go on holiday at the drop of a hat etc. I had accepted that, through choice, I would never be a mother. Then I fell pregnant, by accident, at the age of 38. I now can't imagine life without my boy. Total turnaround, apart from the fact I struggle a bit with motherhood, not being maternal and all. BUT I am happy and so far, doing a good job I think despite mostly being clueless.

That said, I think it's perfectly reasonable to be happy as you are. It's no-one else's business when all's said and done.

KittySpencer · 05/06/2011 21:41

I agree it's not for everyone - one of my very good friends and her DH have been married for 10 years, he's 43, she'll be 40 this year. They don't have children, they are very much the 'cool' auntie and uncle to my DC and their nieces/nephews. For them that's enough - neither of them have ever had any particular desire for kids, and whilst I'm sure they would be great parents (as they are very individual, patient, creative and v comfortable financially) I totally respect their choice.

My friend and her DH are certainly not boring or self absorbed - I actually think that's a little insulting, particularly to those who are not childless through choice.

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 05/06/2011 21:43

Just a thought - I work in a hospital and see some elderly patients who have no children and live nowhere near any (remaining) siblings or extended family. Their lack of family support/advocates can to make planning their discharges more complicated and lengthy. Have you thought about how not having children might affect you and you DH in the long-term future?

(N.B. I'm not saying that having children will stop certain things from happening in the future, just that it's another thing to consider).

lovemyskinnyjeans · 05/06/2011 21:43

Well said, Kitty. I don't agree with Mumanator at all, that's a bit of a big generalisation

I'm 36 and 2 of my close friends don't have kids, although both would like them. One because she can't (did IVF for years, now considering surrogacy) and the other had breast cancer so has to wait a few years.

They're by far and away the most fun of all my friends!

MumblingRagDoll · 05/06/2011 21:45

at Mumanator!

YANBU....not everyone has to have kids to be fulfilled.

SuchProspects · 05/06/2011 21:48

YANBU - I didn't want kids for most of my life. I could see a great kid free life ahead of me. It wasn't until I was in my late 30s that we started to think it might be a good idea. It looked like we might have left it too late and wouldn't be able to have them and I could still see a great kid free life ahead of us. We got lucky though and had twins. Love them to pieces and I can still see that a kid free life would have been great as well. Modern life gives us many opportunities, you aren't restricted to Mother, Maiden aunt or Nun any more.

Also, kids are hard work and if you have them and are wrong it's not just your life you could wreck. So if you're not really into the idea it makes sense to not do it.

defineme · 05/06/2011 21:49

Statistically, people with kids are no happier than people without kids.

However, I would hope that you have a lot of very meaningful altruistic activity in your life, because to me the miracle of children is that you realise it's not all about you and you feel the fulfilment of helping/caring/teaching. A lot of people feel like they've been let in on a big secret when they discover the joy of loving someone who you'd honestly give up your life to save. Kids give their life meaning/value/worth/depth.

Lots of people don't need kids to teach them that or find those things. You may well be one of them.

Allinabinbag · 05/06/2011 21:49

I have a couple of friends who have got married either knowing they didn't want children, or deciding later on. They don't appear to have regretted it and have a lovely lifestyle. I think it's good to know what you want, and even better that you both want the same thing (to be great aunts and uncles but not have your own). That said, you don't have to make a definite decision now, but I personally don't subscribe to the theory you are more fulfilled if you have children.

katvond · 05/06/2011 21:56

I was the same as you OP never wanted kids was never maternal then we got pregnant was such a shock and not planned.
I wouldn't change a thing. DD is so precious so glad it happened and to be honest our life is still the same. We have a great family so we can still do stuff like we used to before DD. Plus DD is great very great and lovely I could lush about her all evening.

georgie22 · 05/06/2011 22:01

My dh was very uncertain about having children until he was in his mid 30s. I was certain it was something I wanted in the future and worried that it might never happen, either because he didn't change his mind or we couldn't conceive. We were lucky - I got pregnant very quickly at the age of 36 and dh was certain by then that he wanted to be a dad. We now have a 7 month old dd who has changed our life in every way imaginable; she's a complete delight. Having her has made our good relationship even stronger, but it's not for everyone. I would say that it's not something you need to make a definite decision on now; see how things feel in a few years.

Ragwort · 05/06/2011 22:05

I was in your situation OP and allowed my DH to 'persuade' me to have a DC after many years of marriage and making a conscious decision before we got married that we would not have children. I regret the fact that we did have a DC - its obviously not something I talk about in RL and to all intents and purposes we probably 'appear' to be a very happy family; I don't have to work, I appear to be a devoted mum, my DH is a great father yet I am very aware I made the wrong choice.

Mumanator that is a ridiculous statement, in my opinion most parents appear totally self absorbed in their children. I personally had an incredibly fulfilling life style before I had a child - ironically much of it devoted to voluntary work with other people's children which I no longer have the energy or enthusiasm to do anymoe .

Do not allow other peoples expectations to make the decision for you.

passiveaggresive · 05/06/2011 22:28

Um, well..........heres the thing, if you dont want children, why are you lurking on a parenting site? not that its a problem but most people on MUMSnet are either parents or prospective parents, TTc or at least thinking about it. Thats not a criticism, just can't see what would you would find relevant on this site - apart form maybe the bunfights on AIBU . Secondly, why then are you even posting the Q if you are happy with your decision not to contribute to world overcrowding? Reason why i ask is..............methinks the lady doth protest too much and you might, without even knowing it yourself, actually, want children. I totally understand you wanting to preserve your lifestyle, and it is possible to a degree with children, but i find they change EVERYTHING, your total perception of the world around you changes when you become a parent and for me, it has made my life seem relevant. Thats just me though - you are absolutely not being unreasonable to not have children if you dont want them, that would be very unreasonable and enough people go and do just that, but what i say is this - Never say never!!

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